...to think my in laws are a bit loopy?

[mamaduckbone]

OK, I would never normally post here but I genuinely would value some opinions on this - not that it'll change anything, but it would be interesting to have outside perspective to add to mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father.

My in-laws, we've recently found out, have over £500 000 in savings. This doesn't include their house or pensions. They are semi retired and live a fairly frugal life, through choice - no exotic holidays or expensive hobbies.

So, they are just sitting on this big pot of money doing nothing with it.

Dh and I are doing OK, and I'm in no way spinning a sob story as I know we're a lot better off than a lot of people, but things are a bit of a struggle. We have 2 dcs in a 2 bedroom terrace house, I'm going to have to go back to work for more days than I'd like to after maternity leave (possibly full time) as I'm the higher earner, and dh has worked really hard going to college for the past 2 years to retrain as he hates his job, but may well be in a position where he can't afford to take the plunge into his new chosen career because it will mean a drop in salary.

So, AIBU to think that the inlaws could help us out a bit? Apparently MIL would like to but FIL thinks it's his money that he's worked hard for and he shouldn't be expected to give it away. I do see his point, although I do think things were different when they started out. However, what really pisses me off is that he's not enjoying it, he's just sitting on it, and if they aren't going to bloody spend it what's the point? We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

My family are not well off, but if my mum could give us anything to help get where we want to be (a slightly bigger house with a garden bigger than a postage stamp for 2 energetic boys and dh in a position to be able to start his own business) then she would, and that would give her pleasure.

Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point.

So go on, hit me with it - AIBU or are the in laws weird for wanting to hoard their pot of gold?

Interesting that Zanzi brings up Napoleonic law -

But nowhere in there does it suggest that adults who have chosen their own lives and careers have to have substantial cash handouts ...

YABU. They worked their whole life to save that money and can choose how to spend it. They will probably need it for their nursing home fees later!

Anyway - I have never heard anyone say that bringing up kids leaves you financially stable in the early years - even your DH's parents would probably have been in a similar position to you, none of us really want to work - but it is the real world.

YABU.

It's not your money, it's theirs. And it's up to them how they spend it or don't spend it as the case may be. I don't see how you can have an opinion on their money really.

Crikey, I really hope my children and their spouses don't eye my private financial affairs when they're grown up. I hope I'll have brought them up to be be more independent, proud and responsible for themselves.

When I'm dead they'll get whatever I have of course.

It's their money and I don't see why they should have to give any of it to you. And frankly, 500K isn't an enormous fortune anyway. Probably just enough to make your inlaws feel secure in their old age.

As for having a small house and two energetic children. It was your choice to have kids in the first place. And almost everyone I know say they work very very hard but that doesn't mean they're entitled to their relatives money.

bloody hell. I'd feel secure with £500 in the bank. Since when was half a mill not a fortune!

I think you are entitled to mind a bit OP, so YANBtotallyU I don't think there was anything in your post which suggested you felt entitled. I think a lot of people do get handouts, even if thats not reflected on this thread. I'm still in my twenties, but of my group of friends who have managed to buy, all those who have either had an inheritance or a handout from their parents which funded their deposit. I am proud that when we manage to buy it will be through our own work, and I don't expect help from my parents (and I am genuinely delighted to now see them enjoy their money, and go on nice holidays etc, I think they truly deserve it and I love hearing about it as I know how hard they both worked to get to where they are ).

but it does piss me off when my parents drop hints about why haven't we bought yet, without understanding the reality of the housing market today and how long it will take us to save for a deposit. So I do understand why the op finds it hard when her in-laws question why they haven't bought a bigger house. and it does piss me off when people make out they are all grown up because they have bought a house when actually their parents provided the deposit. I want to buy my own house, but it is damn hard work saving and being disciplined, and I don't think it is 'grasping' of the op to think it would be nice if the in-laws could help, as they have the means to, rather than just criticsing her current living arrangments etc.

It's their money to do (or not do) what they like with but I can understand your frustration.

Bear in mind though that sometimes when people help you out like that you end up being or at least feeling beholden to them.

DH and I both have parents that have helped us out money-wise over the years (not the extent of £500K!), but he has worked overtime recently to pay the balance of our holiday next year. Now my in-laws have said they will pay it for us as a Christmas present.

It's really lovely of them and I'm very grateful but there comes a point when feeling like you're having your arsed wiped at knocking 40YO gets a bit frustrating too.

I agree with tiredfeet YANBtotally Unreasonable.

I can't understand why you think of them as "loopy" for not wanting to give you money. You might wish that they felt inclined to help you out, but using the term loopy because they won't hand over cash that you have no entitlement to does not make you look good!

Are you sure they have these money?

Maybe they were teasing you or testing you.

Or maybe they are waiting and see whether you look after them, taking them to hospital appoitments, getting the prescriptions etc before they give them to you. My wealthy uncle did this and i think it is fair.

sunnydelight I don't think they are loopy really (well not for this reason anyway ) but it made you open the thread didn't it????

Well, whether or not YABU, it doesn't look as if they will help you.

Seems to me that they would have done it by now - 2 DCS and a teeny house didn't spur them on, unfortunately for you.

Unlike the YABU Yahoos online today (I'm sorry for you) it might be worth pointing out the simple fact that most people who buy property do get help from family. Over half, in fact. Clearly, if you're from a family where property buying isn't an option, then the rules are different. But, from a majority perspective, YANBU.

The only plus is that you don't have much of an obligation to them in their old age - apart from anything else, you'll be too busy working and looking after yourselves and your children.

Hey, it's late at night here in Oz and I'm half a bottle of wine down so I'm opening every thread

I also think you might consider how to ask your PIL not to flick through the local papers pointing out places that you would probably dearly love to live in but can't afford!

It must hurt your feelings, partic as they are wealthy and won't help. My parents do this, and I found it surprisingly crass.

Maybe you could say quietly that, while you're sure they're trying to be helpful, window shopping on your and your husband's money - is something that your DH finds difficult as money is tight.

Or simply tell the PIL what a monthly mortgage would be on one of the various properties they wave at you and leave the room. Then don't mention it again.

Avoid leaving telling silences for them to jump in with offers, indeed avoid mentioning property except to consider areas & places where you can afford to live.

Don't give them 'status updates' on your family finances that often - if PIL are keeping their own finances to themselves, so should you.

Your PIL aren't entitled to share in the details of your lives and finances, or to have much degree of intimacy about your family's lives when they've chosen a policy of 'Family Doesn't Share.'

YAB totaly U! It isn't your money and if FIL wants to build it all up into a bonfire and set it alight that is his right. He earned it and he can do what he likes with it. Can't believe you think they should help you out - make your own way in life.

I apologise if I came across as being rude, I really didn't intend to be, but this has slightly touched a nerve.
In the past few weeks, I've had conversations with people who all believe that they deserve more than they have - bigger houses, better cars, nicer clothes etc, and it's starting to grate, as they are all expecting someone else to fund this - so far as one lady wished her grandfather would finally get round to dying, so they can spend their inheritance on an extension. I'm meeting more and more people who are dissatisfied with their lives and what they have, to the point that they can't actually see the good things that they have, and I'm finding it a bit tedious.
The world would be a far better place if people could accept that the life they're living is fine - because it could be far, far worse.
FWIW, if I had that sort of money and my children were struggling, I would help out, but it doesn't sound like you are struggling, just a bit dissatisfied with your life.

If your in-laws gave you the entire amount today, would you give it all back again if they needed it? If the answer is 'no', then I think they are being sensible in keeping it away from you.

OK, another Q... what would you (or anyone) accept from your ILs in similar situateion?
DPs' parents are minted, have helped in the past and offering to help again. We're not sure. We work blardy hard but don't make much money, so it's not as if we're not trying. The sums are scarily big compared to what we'd earn, but not compared to what they have just lying around in the bank. Would you say no on principle, or accept that it's better than the tax man getting 40% of it later on?

TimTamSlam, that's completely different, because they're wanting to help - if they want to, and it won't affect they're future security, how lovely and generous of them

YANBU to think it (occasionally) but obviously you would be unreasonable to say anything. I find this thread a little depressing actually as it would appear that the days when families helped each other out are gone. It would also work the other way around imo, if parents/ PIL needed financial help later in life with nursing care, etc, it would be my responsibility (with siblings) to pay for that.

I only ask because so many people on here seem (quite rightly) to be really proud of having achieved everything without help, and tbh that's how I'd like my life to be in an ideal world, but we wouldn't have the life our ILs would like us to be able to have on our income. Does financial independence ever outweigh financial security?

There are several issues being raised here - do you accept if it is offered? Should it be offered just because things are a little difficult? Should you be entitled to it because once they're dead it will be yours anyway? Should relatives help out in a crisis?

If you've asked for help from better off relatives when in dire need and they've refused, that is different to expecting cash because you are not living in the house you want and because at least then the tax man won't get it.

We are forgetting I think the original thread and the people involved - how do we know what the future will hold for the relatives? What if they give the money away, it gets tied up in houses and cars and holidays and then they need it for something like residential care? Just because you are old and have family, it doesn't mean that you don't also want available ready cash for an emergency - financial security means something different to different people. If having £500k in the bank is what it means to mamaduckbone's ILs, why try and take that away from them?

I've never heard of an emergency that cost K500! Unless OP's FIL lives in New Orleans...

There's a huge difference between feeling entitled to money that isn't yours and feeling that families - and people at large - should help each other now and then.

Mutual help benefits everyone and would particularly in this case; it doesn't sound as if the OP is going to cash the cheque then flop into a life of long-term welfare dependency, or owt.

Anyone who's thinking YABU is enthusiastically endorsing the "I'm All Right Jack" school of thought. I'm not sure that's wildly attractive or helpful - particularly in families.

good private care homes aorund here are up to £600 per week, for 2 of them £500k would last about 8 years. Thats not beyond the realms of possibility.

My mother has a flat in london and about £100k, my brother is banking on using this to pay off his mortgage. More fool him, hopefully she will live long enough to need some kind of personal care and I don't thinkit's going to last long...

God no I'm not too proud to accept anything that is offered! Occasionally I feel slightly that my parents give us "handouts" when we are clearly far from needy, but I can always find something to spend the cash on and they are in no way struggling themselves.

I cannot imagine there ever being a time when I'll stop wanting to do whatever I can for my DC and I guess my parents feel the same. In turn I know they were assisted greatly by my grandparents. Share the wealth I say!