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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my in laws are a bit loopy?

151 replies

mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:06

OK, I would never normally post here but I genuinely would value some opinions on this - not that it'll change anything, but it would be interesting to have outside perspective to add to mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father.

My in-laws, we've recently found out, have over £500 000 in savings. This doesn't include their house or pensions. They are semi retired and live a fairly frugal life, through choice - no exotic holidays or expensive hobbies.

So, they are just sitting on this big pot of money doing nothing with it.

Dh and I are doing OK, and I'm in no way spinning a sob story as I know we're a lot better off than a lot of people, but things are a bit of a struggle. We have 2 dcs in a 2 bedroom terrace house, I'm going to have to go back to work for more days than I'd like to after maternity leave (possibly full time) as I'm the higher earner, and dh has worked really hard going to college for the past 2 years to retrain as he hates his job, but may well be in a position where he can't afford to take the plunge into his new chosen career because it will mean a drop in salary.

So, AIBU to think that the inlaws could help us out a bit? Apparently MIL would like to but FIL thinks it's his money that he's worked hard for and he shouldn't be expected to give it away. I do see his point, although I do think things were different when they started out. However, what really pisses me off is that he's not enjoying it, he's just sitting on it, and if they aren't going to bloody spend it what's the point? We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

My family are not well off, but if my mum could give us anything to help get where we want to be (a slightly bigger house with a garden bigger than a postage stamp for 2 energetic boys and dh in a position to be able to start his own business) then she would, and that would give her pleasure.

Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point.

So go on, hit me with it - AIBU or are the in laws weird for wanting to hoard their pot of gold?

OP posts:
SlackSally · 02/12/2009 21:59

Surely the fact that she's put out by their not offering money suggests that she does expect it?

And some people live in areas that aren't London. And some people rent. And some people have well-paid jobs. And some people save for years to buy a house.

No one is saying that in some places housing isn't ridiculously expensive, but that doesn't mean people are entitled to parental help to buy one. There are many other options.

And two kids in a two-bed house isn't exactly poverty. I grew up with three kids in a two-bed house. It was fine.

ClaireDeLoon · 02/12/2009 22:04

Just to say re the comment about them having it easier, when my brother and his gf (now wife) got their first house and went out and got carpets, sofas etc my mum commented that they were starting off their life together the way that those of my parents generation expected to achieve after 20 years,

Maybe its just a generation thing, that when they started off maybe 40ish years ago couples struggled and they look at you and what you have as doing well?

Really don't dwell on this. You say you aren't bitter you do come across as resentful towards their attitude.

plantsitter · 02/12/2009 22:04

Of course lots of people live in places that aren't London. Most of my family do. It's not just the place, but the timing. First time buyers have been priced out of the market for ages.

But that's not really the point. All I'm saying is I can understand why the OP feels a bit puzzled that her PIL don't want to help their family out. Not saying they are entitled to it. I don't think these things are as black and white as people seem to think.

TheCrackFox · 02/12/2009 22:07

My mum and dad couldn't afford their first house until they were 39yrs old. It wasn't all plain sailing for the baby boomers - there was 4 million unemployed in the eighties.

Maybe her PIL had to work hard and don't think they would, ultimately, be doing them a favour by giving them a hand out.

PercyPigPie · 02/12/2009 22:16

The difference with my parents, who also live a frugal life style and sit on a big pot of cash, is that in various ways they have structured it so that we will benefit from it when they have gone. You can't actually just give away money very easily - I think you can only gift a few thousand without you incurring tax. How do you know that they haven't set something up for when they die that is tax effective?

Also, they don't know what will happen to them in old age. They may need new hips and knees, nursing care etc.

PercyPigPie · 02/12/2009 22:19

Just read a bit more - ignore post above as you say that they have structured it so that you won't have to pay too much tax.

plantsitter · 02/12/2009 22:22

I think the baby boomers had it a lot easier in a lot of ways than we did - and yes, ok, harder in some ways too.

OK, so maybe people couldn't buy houses as young as they do now. But the economy and people's personal financial security wasn't as dependent on property ownership as it is now - lots of final salary pensions were around, for example.

The economy's also set up now so that it's much harder for only one half of a couple to work which means lots of people (I suspect mostly women) who would prefer to stay at home with their kids can't. That might not always have been such a great thing for women, I accept, but it just wasn't necessary to have as much money coming in.

So basically things are different now and I don't think it's fair to say we can have the same things our parents had simply by working hard. Not sure what our generation is going to do when we retire to be honest.

The OP is not entitled to her PIL's money; of course not. But I think a lot of people do get help from their parents and will have to rely on that even more in the future tbh.

SlackSally · 02/12/2009 22:31

I honestly wouldn't take money off my parents unless it was a case of not having enough to eat or not being able to keep a roof over our heads (rented or owned).

I've BORROWED money from them in the past, but never more than a few hundred, and only about three times.

JemL · 02/12/2009 22:41

YABU.

crazybubbasmummy · 02/12/2009 23:10

i think they should want to help their son with his new chosen career, i think they should want to help him be happy. i understand if they were enjoying the money but as you say they are not its doing nothing. if i had that sort of money doing nothing my son could have it in a blink if it would give him and my grandchildren a better life, they should want to reward him for the hard work he has put in already to his career and understand he isnt trying to bum his way through life x

AmericanHag · 02/12/2009 23:55

YABVU. They are already helping you and your DH by not being a burden to you in their old age. Thank goodness they can support themselves and not rely on you.

The best gift you can give your kids is to do the same as your ILs and save for your own retirement.

toddlerama · 02/12/2009 23:58

YABU. Grabby snatch hands.

cory · 03/12/2009 00:03

OP, have you any idea what a decent care home costs these days? My MIL is spending more than our joint income on hers, not because she insists on living in the lap of luxury, but because the NHS funded ones won't meet her medical needs; she wouldn't for instance be able to go to the toilet. So I fully understand an elderly couple who would rather hang on to their dosh for a bit.

Thingiebob · 03/12/2009 00:15

See, I don't think you are being unreasonable to be annoyed that your ILs are not willing to offer help to their son if he is having a hard time financially. Especially if the amount needed to assist him is really small potatoes compared to what they have in savings. I have been in a similar situation in the past.

However, I think it is unreasonable for either of the two of you to feel you are entitled to the money whilst they are still alive. It is THEIR money, they worked for it and they can spend it how they wish. I agree with other posters on this point. However, I don't really think this is what you mean.

As for people owning property and living on one salary always having had a financial assistance - this is not always necessarily true. Some people work very very hard to get on the property ladder and earn a salary that can support a SAHP and small children with no financial assistance from families.

jasper · 03/12/2009 00:21

It's none of your business how much they have saved from working.
You are being completely unreasonable.
It would never ever have crossed my mind for my parents to bung me cash in my struggling days.
As for thinking you will inherit anyway, words fail me

hobbgoblin · 03/12/2009 00:28

I am always amazed that people actually feel entitled at all to other people's money.

How odd.

ZacharyQuack · 03/12/2009 03:50

If they gave you money now, would you be prepared to fund their retirement later? Would you provide a home and care for them?

Your ILs may well feel that they have provided for your DH by raising him to be a responsible and intelligent adult.

cory · 03/12/2009 07:35

Zachary makes a good point. If they spend the money on you now- can they be sure you will be able to help them later?

My parents have helped me and my siblings a lot, but also made it clear that if my Dad dies, we will need to help support my Mum, as she won't be able to cope financially; the money isn't there any longer.

My MIL (though very kind and helpful) has retained enough money to fund her own nursing home fees, but in a sense I suppose you could say it's dh's inheritance being spent on those. If that's the way you want to look at it.

HappyChristmasFromKimi · 03/12/2009 08:08

We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

How funny would it be if they left it to the cats home??

If they want to "sit" on their money then that is up to them, Maybe they worked hard to get it and value working for what you want and not waiting for a hand out to get a bigger house, more days at home from work and so on

MamaLazarou · 03/12/2009 08:23

YABU. Like you say, you have more than a lot of people. Two healthy kids, two incomes, your own house with a garden... you've got it made, love.

albinosquirrel · 03/12/2009 08:35

YABU - it is not as if you need the money. You would just like it. You have a house with a garden and your DH has been able to go to college for the last two years. The worse thing you seem to be facing is the idea that you might have to work- perhaps even full time- horror of horrors!

diddl · 03/12/2009 08:40

I would think it´s reassuring to know that they have enough to look after themselves financially in old age.

sunshiney · 03/12/2009 09:00

Ugh OP your attitude is grasping. I also take issue with you saying you have to have had a helping hand to be an sahm and not count every penny. I worked hard for ten years before becoming a sahm and saved my money for these years ahead of me now.

I'm sure your in laws would help you if you fell on really hard times, what more do you expect.

I wonder if he knows how greedy you are?

Vivia · 03/12/2009 09:12

You're shameless and disgraceful, OP. Just shut up and work hard for your income, you big moocher.

sunshiney · 03/12/2009 09:21

just noticed your words in original post OP "mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father"

this suggests your dh is of the opinion it's his fathers money to do with as he wishes and keep for his and his wife's security.

if that's the case how awful for your dh that you are continually telling him how tight is father is.