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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my in laws are a bit loopy?

151 replies

mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:06

OK, I would never normally post here but I genuinely would value some opinions on this - not that it'll change anything, but it would be interesting to have outside perspective to add to mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father.

My in-laws, we've recently found out, have over £500 000 in savings. This doesn't include their house or pensions. They are semi retired and live a fairly frugal life, through choice - no exotic holidays or expensive hobbies.

So, they are just sitting on this big pot of money doing nothing with it.

Dh and I are doing OK, and I'm in no way spinning a sob story as I know we're a lot better off than a lot of people, but things are a bit of a struggle. We have 2 dcs in a 2 bedroom terrace house, I'm going to have to go back to work for more days than I'd like to after maternity leave (possibly full time) as I'm the higher earner, and dh has worked really hard going to college for the past 2 years to retrain as he hates his job, but may well be in a position where he can't afford to take the plunge into his new chosen career because it will mean a drop in salary.

So, AIBU to think that the inlaws could help us out a bit? Apparently MIL would like to but FIL thinks it's his money that he's worked hard for and he shouldn't be expected to give it away. I do see his point, although I do think things were different when they started out. However, what really pisses me off is that he's not enjoying it, he's just sitting on it, and if they aren't going to bloody spend it what's the point? We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

My family are not well off, but if my mum could give us anything to help get where we want to be (a slightly bigger house with a garden bigger than a postage stamp for 2 energetic boys and dh in a position to be able to start his own business) then she would, and that would give her pleasure.

Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point.

So go on, hit me with it - AIBU or are the in laws weird for wanting to hoard their pot of gold?

OP posts:
edam · 02/12/2009 20:30

Thought that would amuse you! (OR even worse he'll remarry and the second Mrs Duckbone will get the lot...)

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:34

...And I'm not saying, for the record, that everyone has a helping hand before anyone else throws that back at me. It's just that lots of people that I know have.

I'm a teacher, DH is a retail manager. We work very very hard but having lived in London for 10 years and not been able to afford to get on the property ladder, we are several steps behind most of our peers in the area where we live now.

OP posts:
uglymugly · 02/12/2009 20:35

Personally, I can understand how you feel. To me it seems like sitting down to a family meal where they can choose the succulent and expensive bits (but don't, for some reason) whereas you don't have that choice at all.

Both my DH and I, and his brother and sister-in-law, had help with our respective first houses from my PILs. It was what they wanted to do for us all, because that's how they saw what being a family was.

The only thing I can think of in terms of trying to understand your FIL's views is if it's either that he doesn't understand how much more difficult things are these days, or if it's fearing that if he lets go of some of his savings he won't have enough to funds his needs as he gets older.

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:37

Good grief edam, it doesn't bare thinking about. Perhaps she'll be young enough to be his daughter and he'll spend the lot on cosmetic enhancements... At least he would be bloody enjoying it then!

OP posts:
Brunettelady · 02/12/2009 20:44

YANBU. I understand how you feel. I would want to help my children out in any way I possibly could and my family are the same. The same doesn't go for my ILs either (although they have no where near that amount) they have never helped us out and sometimes we have needed it but it has been my family who have helped even though they have a lot less.

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 20:48

Is MIL didn't sit looking at the property pages of the local paper showing us houses that we can't afford every time they visit I could probably suck it up a little more comfortably too, and if FIL didn't sit in my living room saying "so, explain it to me then, why exactly can't you move house?" that would be even better.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 02/12/2009 20:48

Going against the grain but I think YANBU. I'm quite surprised that people think you are. If you have that much money, and know that a fraction of that would give your family so much compared to what you yourself gain from it, why wouldn't you?

I know that they probably didn't get that way by being generous, but you have to adapt your behaviour to the current circumstances. I think when you have children, supporting them - even financially - doesn't end when they become adults.

But maybe they think you don't try hard enough to make money, I don't know.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/12/2009 20:55

I think yabu to think that your inlaws should shell out and send some your way when they may have their own plans for the money for all you know. Who knows, maybe they're planning on surprising you this Christmas with a nice cheque to help out for the future...can see where you're coming from in terms of sitting on a pot of money but at the same time it's theirs to do with as they please and I agree with the point made about them maybe needing it one day to pay for care in a home if it ever became necessary.
They may not want to just give you money as they may feel you need to make your own way in life and having it there is a fallback for them if they or you ever find them/yourselves in dire financial straits.
Take it as a compliment that they feel you and your dh are doing well for yourselves and are capable of living your own life as adults without needing to ask for help.

KristinaM · 02/12/2009 21:03

there will always be people richer than you

and a lot poorer, so get over it. otherwise you will just become bitter

you and your Dh have both had the oppertunity to go to uni / college

you have been able to afford to have 2 children AND buy your own house in London

BTW - we have a decent sized house but worked for every penny of it. no helping hands here

Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 21:09

KristinaM not in London - the only way we've managed to buy a house is by moving out.
I know. I'm not bitter. When I see my 2 gorgeous boys I'm grateful for everything I've got.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaduckbone · 02/12/2009 21:11

Thank you Brunettelady and inmylittlehead - nice to know. I just know that I'd do it.

OP posts:
NightShoe · 02/12/2009 21:19

YABU, you shouldn't be expecting them to help you out. You are both grown ups and have made your own way in the world. There are people that work harder than you and have alot less so I think you should count yourself lucky, not be expecting handouts.

As for helping out your children, that is how my family works too, but not to the extent that they are let off the hook from learning any life lessons or earning anything on their own merits. I think your ILs are completely right, if you want a house you should be working towards that yourself. I think all this "It was easier in their day" is a cop out.

oldwoman · 02/12/2009 21:19

mamaduckbone - the mumsnet consensus on these sorts of questions is always that YABU.

This is one of those topics where I don't think MN reflects RL. People are being idealistic.

Families help eachother out - your PILs have the opportunity to improve their GC's quality of life - ie space, garden etc. If I was in their position, I would definitely part with some of my pot of gold!

Of course, the PILs shouldn't be forced to give you money, but I think it's sad they don't want to. They can't take it with them and it is a shame to die rich when your family could have put the money to very good use.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 02/12/2009 21:20

sorry but I think YAB a bit U.

£500k might sound a lot but that might go pretty quick if they both end up living in a nice home for 20 years. WHy would they compromise the possibility of having a decent retirement when you are doing alright?

If you were destitute or couldn't afford to do basic things for DC's then I would feel they were being stingy. But as you aren't, I guess he looks at what he had at your stage of life and (presumably) thinks that you haven't got it so bad so why would you be entitled to anything he has earned.

Anyway they are doing something with it... they are saving it - they worked hard to save it and presumably they did that for a reason. If they are semi-retired they can;t be that old, who knows what they might need to do with it in future.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/12/2009 21:26

They possibly have that much so that they won't be a burdon on their children

MisSalToeKisses · 02/12/2009 21:32

YABU.

I don't think you're some kind of gold digger though, and can see where you're coming from, even if I don't agree with it.

Perhaps your FIL feels that it is important to struggle a little in your younger days so that you learn to save, which is what they seem to have done.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/12/2009 21:34

YANBU.....if I were them I would want to help my children out but...it's their money. My dear aunt when she lived used to give us £5 vouchers for birthdays and christmas (must stress no children of her own and only 5 nieces/nephews) and when she died she left a small bit to each of the five of us, nothing to her siblings and the rest went to her partner for his lifetime, then anything left goes to cancer research. She had a fair whack too. It's not at all what I would have done (especially since most of it was family inheritance) but shrug different strokes. I'd still rather have her alive than a penny of her money

ReneRusso · 02/12/2009 21:34

I don't think they are a weird or loopy, but I do think it's a shame they don't want to help you out. Of course your FIL has every right to sit on it, but it's a bit shortsighted. Loads of it will just get sucked up in tax when they die, so wouldn't they rather it went on helping out their family? We have had lots of help from parents along the way, and it has made a huge difference, on the whole I think YANBU.

wonderingwondering · 02/12/2009 21:36

How much do you think they ought to give you? 20-30K? Or half of it? Enough to buy a house?

They may think that you ought to live within your means, and anything they'd give you would be relatively minor in terms of what houses costs. A significant sum would leave them short in their old age. And how old are they? They may have 25-30 years of supporting themselves.

You FIL may think that his duty is to ensure that his wife has enough money to be properly looked after if she's left on her own. Not to make your life easier - were you to be destitute, they may have a different attitude to handouts.

I can understand you thinking that they've got loads, and could help you out. But it is unreasonable to feel any sense of resentment (if you do) - your PIL have their views and their priorities, and it is their money.

nothingofthesort · 02/12/2009 21:39

No wonder you only recently found out that they have savings of £500K. They would have kept it quiet knowing that you'd feel all entitled to it. And how right they were! YABU.

WidowWadman · 02/12/2009 21:45

Oh, dear. You have to go back to work full time, because the evil inlaws keep their money instead of handing it over to your greedy little paws. Diddums.

SlackSally · 02/12/2009 21:51

The sense of entitlement is astounding.

Handouts/gifts/inheritance are a LUCKY BONUS, not a taxable income. Most of us would probably like a bit more money, but that's life. Neither me nor DP have had anything from our parents. Mine can't afford to, his probably could a little, but why should they? They've worked for it, paid to bring their children up and now they're enjoying their retirement.

I LIKE the fact that what I've got is mine, rather than a handout. I wonder how many of the people who feel entitled to ILs/parents money also express distaste about those that live on benefits (who I would assume are generally far worse off than OP).

A handout is a handout whatever the source.

cheesefarmer · 02/12/2009 21:51

You and DH are adults, they don't have to give you anything, the fact you have 2 kids in a small house is your own doing.

plantsitter · 02/12/2009 21:54

I bet those people who are saying they managed without help managed to buy a house when anyone could actually afford them, and probably not in London.

You don't sound like you expect them to give you money. I think it's totally understandable to feel a tiny bit put out they don't help you when you know that just a tiny proportion of what they're sitting on could make you and your family secure for the long term future.

TheCrackFox · 02/12/2009 21:57

What on Earth were your in-laws thinking when they told you this? I have no idea how much my in-laws have in the bank, it is none of my business. I told my PILs that I would be very disappointed if they left me and DH any moeny when they die. I want them to enjoy their retirement, they worked bloody hard for it.

Oh, and stop comparing yourself with your friends. It is utterly pointless and all you will achieve is you will make yourself unhappy dwelling on it all.