...to think my in laws are a bit loopy?

[mamaduckbone]

OK, I would never normally post here but I genuinely would value some opinions on this - not that it'll change anything, but it would be interesting to have outside perspective to add to mine and dh's perpetual debate on the oddness of his father.

My in-laws, we've recently found out, have over £500 000 in savings. This doesn't include their house or pensions. They are semi retired and live a fairly frugal life, through choice - no exotic holidays or expensive hobbies.

So, they are just sitting on this big pot of money doing nothing with it.

Dh and I are doing OK, and I'm in no way spinning a sob story as I know we're a lot better off than a lot of people, but things are a bit of a struggle. We have 2 dcs in a 2 bedroom terrace house, I'm going to have to go back to work for more days than I'd like to after maternity leave (possibly full time) as I'm the higher earner, and dh has worked really hard going to college for the past 2 years to retrain as he hates his job, but may well be in a position where he can't afford to take the plunge into his new chosen career because it will mean a drop in salary.

So, AIBU to think that the inlaws could help us out a bit? Apparently MIL would like to but FIL thinks it's his money that he's worked hard for and he shouldn't be expected to give it away. I do see his point, although I do think things were different when they started out. However, what really pisses me off is that he's not enjoying it, he's just sitting on it, and if they aren't going to bloody spend it what's the point? We'll inherit one day anyway, but won't need it so much then.

My family are not well off, but if my mum could give us anything to help get where we want to be (a slightly bigger house with a garden bigger than a postage stamp for 2 energetic boys and dh in a position to be able to start his own business) then she would, and that would give her pleasure.

Everyone I know who has a decent sized house, can afford to be a SAHM, isn't counting every penny, had a helping hand at some point.

So go on, hit me with it - AIBU or are the in laws weird for wanting to hoard their pot of gold?

Not the case at all sunshiney - his son, daughter and wife all think he is making himself miserable constantly looking for fulfillment through material possessions (buying new cars, debating on a holiday home but then never buying it) and it's actually dh and sil who, if anything, think he's tight, and what's more to the point not making himself happy. I have often told them to stop dwelling on it since he can please himself.

My MIL is at the end of her tether with him as he keeps looking at second homes in their favourite seaside town, which just so happens to be one of the most expensive areas in the country, but won't actually take the plunge, because to be honest, it would chew the lot up. She thinks he should help his kids out a bit and enjoy his hard earned cash without the stress that another property would bring. But I suppose that's not got much to do with the original point.

So he is using the money, you just don't approve of what he is doing with it?

YABU Count your blessings instead of your PIL's cash.

Even if your FIL is tight, it's none of your business.
You say things are tough for you, you have to cram into a 2 bed terrace house - well snap! - except I have 3 dc's, and hopefully will have another on the way at some point. You have a roof over your heads, you have a job to go to.
Be happy with the life you live, or change it. You can't expect someone else to make your life good, if you can't do it yourself.

Thank you for all your messages on both sides. It's obviously an issue that people feel strongly about. I never meant to come across as 'grasping' - I genuinely couldn't care less what they do with their money and would probably feel quite uncomfortable if they did offer it to us. It's just that it's been a topic of conversation amongst me, dh and sil quite often, and I sort of wanted to put it to bed by clarifying how I felt.

I know that as my boys grow up I will want to help them out in any way I can. Friends of ours have parents who think the same way. My FIL clearly doesn't and that's that.

As I've already said I am grateful for what I've got, we manage. I don't expect handouts to be a SAHM, although I would like more choice over how my children are cared for. Still, as a lazy, grabbing primary school teacher who clearly hasn't ever done an honest days work in her life what do I expect eh?

It never ceases to amaze me how needlessly rude and hurtful some people can be on this board, but if I wasn't prepared to take it on the chin then I wouldn't have posted. I hope it makes certain people feel good about themselves making nasty comments about others rather than giving a constructive opinion. My dh and I work bloody hard. We're not sitting on our backsides waiting for a cash handout. The only reason why I mentioned inheriting in the future is because the PIL have clearly said this. They may decide to give it all to charity. Fine, if that's what they want.

Well i will just say this, i will if ever i am in a position to make my childrens life's easier when they themselfs become mummys give them everything i possibly could. Its really hard juggling work/life bills meeting everyones's needs that if i could make even a tiny part of their life's easier i would be very happy and much more happy than anything else i would/could spend the money on. So no i dont think YNBU at all.

I agree that they could help - my gran used to help my mum and dad with school fees etc, and my parents pass down cash when they can, even though we don't really need it. Young families tend to need money more than retired couples. But it's their money, so up to them.

If your ILs have decided you will inherit in the future, perhaps you can be content with that!

Also, if you were given help now, they would surely have to give the same to their other children?

maybe they did have to work extremely hard for it. Life in amy ways was a lot tougher when they would have been at the stage you're at now, and I bet no one helped them either. Maybe they feel they are helping you, by teaching you to be independant. Many people who do receive help from their parents as adults don't appreciate it and don't fully grow and mature. Perhaps they feel it wouldn't be right to be giving yo money?

If it would really make a big difference to your dh's career to have an input of capital, has he considered asking them for a loan? I think asking openly and offering a plan to repay the money is fair enough, but all the discussions behind their backs about their money and their behaviour comes across as unpleasant tbh

We wanted to buy a house, and in Switzerland you had to put up 20 to 25% deposit, which was totally out of our league. DH's parents at the time we were looking into it came into a lot of money and lent us the 20%. (It was bwn him & his parents, so don't know if he asked or they offered). We borrowed the money, otherwise we could not have bought, and paid them back, and then took them on holiday as a thank you present.

I sort of see where you're coming from OP, but I also understand why a lot of people feel also strongly about this.

Maybe when you're older and you're in their position you will feel the same way as them. Maybe with the future potential cost of care you will want to make sure you have the funds to look after yourself?

We all have our own parenting style. I would also do whatever it took to help my children if they were in dire need. However you are not in dire need but their help would make your life easier. I'm not sure that should be their priority. You havent told us how old they are so they might be close to retirement or they could well be planning for old age and the costs of rest homes etc.I dont think you should expect a handout but it would obviously be lovely if they offered one.

We have 4DC and live in a 3 bedroom house. I have no problem with my kids sharing rooms. My MIL has suggested downsizing and selling her house to give her 2 grownup DS their inheritence now to buy bigger houses. Its a lovely offer but she's only 60 and hopefully has years left in her. Its her money and i think she should enjoy it. If your ILs have told you that you will inherit then you'll just have to bide your time and let them enjoy sitting on the fruits of their labours, it is their right after all.

The point, mamaduckbone, is that you are not actually in dire need now, but that they may well find themselves in dire need in a few years' time when they need more care. Like my MIL.

A second home could easily be sold to pay for nursing fees: would you be ok if they gave you the money now for a larger home, but then asked you to sell it to finance their care home in 10 years time?

I am very grateful that MILs money is not tied up in a nicer home for us, as that would make our situation horrendously stressful, if we had to tell the kids we were moving to pay for grandma's nursing home fees.

Of course life is stressful with kids on a low income, but it's nothing to the stress of being elderly and needing help and not being sure you can pay for it.

YABU, I'm really surprised that you feel any sense of entitlement to this money .

Presumably your parents gave you sufficient tools to make your way in the world (a stable upbringing, education, etc.) but I don't think that you should presume that financial support should be part of the parenting deal too.

When we married, FIL gave us a little bit of help to set up home (partly to keep it out of the tax-man's hands as well as a very kind gesture). It was brilliant but without it we would have still stayed within our means.

Since then, we've saved and been careful with our money and resisted the temptation to splurge during the good times. and I'm now able to be a SAHM which is what we want at the moment.

Lucky? Yes, very, but it's amazing how the more careful we are and the the harder dh works, the more 'lucky' we become .

I used to do tax planning and wills when I first qualified (as a solicitor) and you would be astonished to know just how common this is. I used to always feel very sad for the significant numbers of elderly clients who were living in virtual poverty (often with no central heating in badly-maintained houses that hadn't seen a paintbrush or a bit of pointing for years - one particular gentleman I went to see to take instructions for a will was living in one room of a large house with a small electric heater and wearing his coat and a blanket because he 'couldn't afford' to have the heating on, but then proceeded to show me the paperwork relating to his investments which were worth close to £1m) and wish that they would spend a bit of cash on making their accommodation nicer and their lives a bit more comfortable and fun. If I were you I would be encouraging them to spend some of their dosh on enjoying their retirement years.

following Ernests comment a loan is much more reasonable. I was lucky enough to be able to borrow my first deposit for a house paid them back over 10 years (with interest) they made slightly more than they would with it in a bank and I have never needed to borrow from them again.

Not really, but people can do what they like with their cash.

My paternal Grandmother has just sold her house, to pay for her nursing care, she sold it for over 300K and as me and DH are jobless, it has crossed my mind how usefull some of the £ would be as we are pretty desperate at the moment. I feel bad for even thinking it, but I worry about the roof over my head. I think it's natural.

My Dad is dead and he would have helped us out during this difficult time. My Mum has helped where she can, she once lent me £1,000 ten years ago and I paid her back. I wuld help of my kids when they were older to see them happy and their kids OK, but it would not be an never ending supply of cash, just a helping hand where I could.

Mamaduck - I posted earlier on. I think you are being a wee bit U tbh.

Just popped back to say, though, that I agree some of the responses you have been subjected to on this thread are totally ott and uncalled for. In particular those from wearthefoxhat, sunshiney, toddlerama, widowwadman and vivia. You could do with learning some manners ladies .

I agree with bibbity, some people on here are really mean and unhelpful. I guess you wanted to gauge public opinion or you wouldn't have posted here but nonetheless you should be able to expect a range of responses without people sinking so low as to be downright rude.

mamaduckbone I think you've been given a hard time and I'm not sure that the views expressed here are at all reflective of RL.

FWIW I cannot imagine not giving either of my DC's every last penny if I thought it would make their lives easier and whilst no one should expect to be helped along their way in life I will never understand the mentality that allows parents to indulge in lifes luxuries whilst their children struggle.

In the Uk your PIL can leave their money to anybody and anything they like.
No one should ever expect to inherit.

In France it is illegal to dis-inherit your children.

That is why the cat sanctuary does so well.

zanz1bar - so you can give your money away to womever you like when you're alive but not when you're dead?

You can do whatever you like with your assets dead or alive.

But in France the assets of the deceased estate have to be split between the children, all children born in or put of marriage.
It lends itself to an exciting reading of the will, as unknown siblings turn up for a share.

Well I can see her point. They could do with the money now not in 20 years time when they presumably will inherit. My aunts family are like this. The older generation have pots of cash but the younger generation are really struggling. It puzzles me that the money isn't flowing down to where its most needed. If I were in the PIL position I cannot imagine not wanting to help out my children. I wonder if its a cultural thing, friends we have from other cultures with wealthy gps/parents are bought flats and houses etc.

DH and I are not from wealthy backgrounds so havent had any financial help and were state school educated but have worked hard and are now doing pretty well. The only people ever to make snarky envious comments are those who have had significant financial help from their parents. Its really weird anyone else encountered this? Inheriting seems to bring out the worst in some people.

yes, i think yabu!

my in-laws are also sitting on rather large sums of money

but guess what? it's THEIR money and they can do what they like with it. they've always been very, very careful with money and invested wisely and that's how come they have it now.

we get by, i too would love a bigger house with a nice garden for my 3 boys. but it's just going to have to wait until we can afford to move. which probably won't be for at least 3-4 years

and also, they may need that money in the future for care requirements or anything

like you said, you are doing ok. you have a lot more than many people (including your own home and the option of your dh being able to re-train)

if you didn't know about the money you wouldn't be worrying about it. so forget it, and get on with your life

YABU

If you want more and bigger stuff, you have to earn more and bigger money

Or should do, anyway

Totally unreasonable to expect hand-outs from inlaws

I feel a wee bit like this about my Dad, though I try not to as I'm a grown woman and responsible for myself.

My Dad certainly doesn't have pots in the bank (that I know of), but he's comfortable.

The thing is, he's 84, and I think could do with more help at home, that I am willing to give it, but I don't drive, and it makes it difficult to see him as often as I'd like. I also struggled to get a job, partly due to lack of transport.

I've often thought to myself if he'd just see to buy me a car, not a new one, just a runaround, both our lives would be much easier, but it is his money, I will inherit half, I know that, it just seems so daft that it would benefit both of us and it's money that's doing nothing and that he could spend without noticing.