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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

272 replies

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 09:56

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 17:34

My DD2 went to nursery at 4 mths, we had a nanny for DD1
I work 10 hour days most days...they are now both in nursery.
Often I don't put my children to bed or get them up in the morning
Some weekends I would do anything to have sometime on my own
Ditto holidays

I choose to work and love to work but it's exhausting and sometimes I long to have a little time off with neither children nor work.
I'm glad to be a mother but I will not give weight to judgement by others whose life or choices are not mine

I can't believe that the OP would suggest she is a better parent or that this parent shouldn't have another child.

Although this may go against the housewife SAHM brigade motto sometimes time spent in the home with a child is time poorly spent for the mother and the child.
Sometimes I wonder what sort of children they will raise and if it wise that they spawn again.

Stop bloody judging people

posieparker · 28/11/2009 17:35

I would like to know how much time is too little? Let's not compare ourselves with posh Victorians with bloody nannies as I really can't see the attraction with wanting our dcs ending up like public school boarders...those people are just loathsome and socially inept.

InMyLittleHead · 28/11/2009 17:37

Oh God, and now there'll be a discussion about whether boarding school makes people 'socially inept'... how predictable this thread is.

This kid is being cared for perfectly well.
Do not make yourself busy.

purplepeony · 28/11/2009 17:48

""Sometimes I wonder what sort of children they will raise and if it wise that they spawn again.

Stop bloody judging people""

stop judging? lol

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 17:54

thought you were bored of all this?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 28/11/2009 17:59

Op yanbu.

People have been very quick to jump on you, and indeed they should if you had insinuated women who work ft shouldn't have children.

The op didn't say that though, did she?
It is perfectly possible to work ft and succesfully acheive work/family balance. The woman in the op is obviously not, though.

She doesn't see her child in the morning, the evening, and, if we are to believe the op, very little at the weekend. She is planning to add another child into the equation, further limiting the time she has with the existing one. Madness. So flame me.

Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 18:00

why is it ok to emotively question any mother? I was demonstrating the other side to the argument

it might be that it all appears to be the same to me. SAHM/WOHM, lots of time vs limited time. and that was the point

to tell the op to stop judging

obviously went well over your head then???

I'll try to be even.more.obvious.next.time

purplepeony · 28/11/2009 18:05

Ronald- quite what are you saying went over my head? The fact that you were telling the OP not to bloody judge- but that you are judging her?
Don't be so bloody patronising and trying to be clever.
If you don't want to read about judging, don't come onto the AIBU topic. Make life much easier for you.

Francasaysrelax · 28/11/2009 18:06

"I have (as I'm sure we all do) friends who have all sorts of different arrangements regarding work/looking-after-children. The question of whether they are 'good mothers' (much as I dislike that label anyway) seems to have little relation to how many hours they work"
Absolutely, totally agree.

Also, don't people go out in the evenings for social events? The children are in bed then.

teaparty · 28/11/2009 18:08

Well, I suppose it would depend on the grandparents feel about her having another, it they are the ones raising the first child. It would be company for the oldest child I suppose.

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:18

helpful and loving grandparents cant see what the beef is?

Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 18:20

purple i have no need to try to be clever...

something you might want to ponder upon...

whether this were posted on aibu or not there are some posts that are circular and that are simply damaging. For women to judge other women over their right to have children is imo one of those things.

Therefore I can tell the OP to stop judging if I please and I can highlight my point by poking some of those who might agree with the OP by highlighting, by way of my post, an equally odious counter argument.

These grotesco judging festivals should have no place in motherhood
Now I've re explained it to you and I hope you've followed this time.
I will continue to read and post where I see fit.
Hope that's ok with you dear?

hocuspontas · 28/11/2009 18:23

Op left the building exactly 8 hours ago after just 20 mins on MN...

She's still chuckling...

StarlightMcKenzie · 28/11/2009 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CertainAge · 28/11/2009 18:23

I don't think it is wise to judge other women based on how much they work.

Not all women work to the same degree throughout their DCs' lives. I know that I personally worked full-time when my eldest children were little, although still managed exclusive breastfeeding until beyond 6 months.

I am pretty confident that my children will do degrees at Russell group universities and pay back to society. I am content that I have 'bothered' to have them at very low cost to the state.

purplepeony · 28/11/2009 18:26

Oh Ronald methinks you doth protest too much about your intelligence - and how us lesser mortals simply won't understand your posts! (Might help if you had used the odd full stop or comma in the first one.)

Bloody cheek- who the hell do you think you are? Got the monopoly on intelligence have you?

Maybe you need to practise your sarcasm a little more so that the dimmies can really get your point.

And yes, of course, dear, post away as much as you like.

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:28

way back at beginning this was a whimsy humorous thread

then it went tits up

Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 18:29

least you've given me a laugh with that

hilarious

purplepeony · 28/11/2009 18:31

Ronie you simply must use your intelligence to learn how to use a full stop and a capital letter, darling.

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:32

oh pack it in all the squabbling

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/11/2009 18:33

I sometimes, fleetingly, wonder why the one or two people I know who sound very much like the op's acquaintance, want to have children. But I do so in an entirely neutral way. I don't consider myself to be in way morally superior to parents who appear to want to spend very little time with their children (being with children can be tedious in the extreme sometimes don't we all know it), but I do wonder why they do it. Why not just be childfree and spend all your time and money on yourself?

Is it not possible to ask the question without being accused of judginess? Can the words not even be spoken out of plain curiosity?

Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 18:35

come on at least you aren't bored anymore?

would it help you understand typed english better? or follow an argument better?

"methinks" not

Come on scottishmummy at least it stopped all the I'm a better mummy that you are crap

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:38

the question isnt wrong it is the accompanying indignation. an inability to accept other people do things differently

Ronaldinhio · 28/11/2009 18:39

I agree scottishmummy

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:40

i am great mum so says nanny,and all the staff.