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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my ds to have a cosmetic operation against his will?

147 replies

trice · 27/11/2009 10:08

My lovely ds has a birthmark on his chin which is about the size of a satsuma and sticks out. He is eight now and has had it since he was born.

I took him to the gp today and asked her to refer him to a plastic surgeon as I wanted to hear the options for getting it removed/reduced. We were told that he couldn't have it operated on when he was a baby as it would go away on its own. It hasn't.

I love my ds and have always told him that he was beautiful and that his birthmark makes him unique. It is however the first thing other children notice about him and although they rarely say anything unpleasant about it I fear that it is only a matter of time.

Anyway the gp refused to refer him because he told her that he didn't want it taken away because it made him special. She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.

She made me feel like a very bad mummy who was trying to force her child into surgery just to make him prettier.

I, on the other hand, am constantly making ds do things he doesn't want to do; like getting out of bed, eating vegetables, going to school and saying his four times table. So I was not putting a lot of store into what ds says about not wanting a scary operation before we have spoken to a surgeon and have the full facts.

I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 27/11/2009 10:10

I think your GP is being grossly unreasonable. Can you not see another GP in your practice?

foxinsocks · 27/11/2009 10:10

no, she should have given you the referal at least and then let the specialist talk to you and ds about the long term effects of having it/not having it

foxinsocks · 27/11/2009 10:10

referral

RainRainGoAway · 27/11/2009 10:13

Insist on referral. An 8 year old cannot make this decision alone. You need to know all the facts 1st and a GP will not entirely know how to give you all the info you need.

borderslass · 27/11/2009 10:16

The problem that GP's have is they have to take the child's views into consideration a child can refuse treatment if they understand its in the rights of a child law, but I can understand how you feel.

SpawnChorus · 27/11/2009 10:16

I think you should let your DS take the lead on this one. As long as he's not unhappy about it, just let it be. Remember that the scar will grow with him, so the longer he leaves it (and the less growing he has to do) the better.

I had a birthmark on my upper lip (about the size of a penny, and a bluey/purple colour), and my mother (obviously with the best intentions) had it removed whe I was about 6. I now have a scar and noticeable stitch-marks. I wish she could have left it up to me to decide when to get it removed.

Sassybeast · 27/11/2009 10:18

Getting him out of bed and making him say his 4 times tables aren't exactly the same as forcing him to undergo a potentially dangerous operation. Your GP sounds brilliant - a patient centered approcah taking into account the feelings of a little boy who says he doesn't want surgery and is quite happy with the way he looks. I'd speak to the gP again and ask her for a referral for yourself for some counselling so that you can address the issues that you have with your child not being physically 'perfect' Sorry to be harsh.

RnB · 27/11/2009 10:18

I would insist on a referal.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/11/2009 10:19

the GP should have referred you so that the specialist could talk to your DS about what it involves.

THEN you let DS make the decison. Presumably it's something he could do later in life.

littleducks · 27/11/2009 10:19

I dont think that you are right to force the procedure, and legally i think you cant

However she shold have referred you so that you and your ds could have talked through the options and made an informed decision together

Original poster

trice · 27/11/2009 10:21

Sassy - I love him to bits and he is perfect to me. I am just very worried about bullying. He just started cubs and their were lots of boys there he didn't know. They were all crowded around him poking it until the helper came and sorted them out.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 27/11/2009 10:25

Trice - I totally understand that but I think at 8, he sounds like a cracking little guy who isn't bothered about his appearance. Perhaps give him the opportunity to teach other kids that actually, having a birthmark or something else that marks you out as a bit different ain't all bad (Speaking from personal experience )

Reallytired · 27/11/2009 10:58

I think the gp was right to refuse to make the referal. Your liitle boy can always have surgery when he is older. Its only cosmetic.

You worry about him being bullied, but you are bullying him wanting to take him to a specialist. If you carry on then your little boy will end up insecure about his looks.

I think you have your own issues that need to be resolved.

RockBird · 27/11/2009 11:02

If he decides later he wants it removed he can come to you and you can pursue it then, surely? If it were a matter of life and death then your wishes should override his but I think 8 is old enough to decide something like this and your GP was right to listen to him. It's his face and it's not harmful so let him decide.

chopstheduck · 27/11/2009 11:04

If it can be left for now, I'd leave it. I had my ears pinned back when I was 10. I think if you give him a couple more years he will be a lot more ready to consider doing something about it.

diddl · 27/11/2009 11:08

I´m with the GP on this.

You seem to have made your decision,and whilst your son isn´t in agreement,what is the point of a referal?

To make him change his mind?

Morloth · 27/11/2009 11:13

It is his face and he has told you he doesn't want to change it. It can be done later if he changes his mind.

hobbbledehoyowner · 27/11/2009 11:13

I am with your GP too.Why would you want him to change his appearance when he doesn't want to ? You are sending him out a very bad message here.You have planted the seed in his mind that his birthmark was ugly.
Your DS sounds a lot more mature than you TBH

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 27/11/2009 11:14

OP - I just wanted to say well done to you on doing such a wonderful job of giving your son such a positive sense of self-esteem about the birthmark. It's a bit bitter sweet that you've succeeded so well that he now wants to keep his birthmark as he knows it makes him special, but really, very well done to you.

Personally, I think you are totally reasonable to want to gather information at some point about it so that you are both better informed about what it might involve if ever your ds wants to get it removed. For example, it may well be better left or it may be better done sooner - I have no idea and in your case I would want to know that. Gathering information is totally not the same thing as deciding to do it.

So I am at the GP because the decision point is after you have info, not before. So YANBU to gather information but I think you maybe ABU if you force him to have surgery against his will - you've clearly done a great job making him feel OK and it would be inconsistent to suddenly tell him he has to have it removed.

FabIsVeryLucky · 27/11/2009 11:15

I agree that the GP did the right thing and right now your son must be feeling really and wondering if you really do think he is "beautiful."

It was bad enough when my DC had to have a completely necessary operation. I wouldn't put any of my children through anything that wasn't necessary.

Your son seems to cope fine with the birthmark. Maybe take a leaf out is his book.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 27/11/2009 11:15

I agree with the gp

I doubt she was judging you, or at least I doubt that was the reason for her refusing to refer you. He didn't say to her that he didn't want a scary operation, he said he liked the mark and wanted to keep it. If it is really that he is afraid you should've explained to the gp about that.

To me it sounds like you would actually have made him have the operation whether he wanted it or not had she made the referral. If he likes the mark why do you want him to get rid of it? If you force that on him it'd be much more damaging than the possibility of someone maybe picking on him in the future. You need to talk to him properly about it and recognise that actually it is his choice not yours IMO.

morningpaper · 27/11/2009 11:16

Your DS sounds fab!

I think I agree with your GP though

BarackObamasTransitVan · 27/11/2009 11:18

I think I agree with your GP, in that if your ds (who sounds lovely btw) isn't bothered by the birthmark then to leave it but I also think that she should have referred him, with a view to your ds discussing it with a specialist.
YABU to want your ds to have surgery against his will though because this isn't a now or never situation.

E45 · 27/11/2009 11:19

Lifts arse off fence, removes splinters, sits back down again.

dickiethepunchlinedonkey · 27/11/2009 11:21

It's great that your son has enough self confidence to make that decision to leave it and sees it as something special rather than something that needs to be removed. if you keep pushing the issue you will make him self conscious. As others have said, he could have it done later and perhaps with minimal scarring as a result of leaving it til later.

I think the GP had it about right, maybe you are finding it harder to come to terms with because you feel it's only a matter of time before he is bullied for it. Hopefully that won't happen.

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