To want my ds to have a cosmetic operation against his will?

[trice]

My lovely ds has a birthmark on his chin which is about the size of a satsuma and sticks out. He is eight now and has had it since he was born.

I took him to the gp today and asked her to refer him to a plastic surgeon as I wanted to hear the options for getting it removed/reduced. We were told that he couldn't have it operated on when he was a baby as it would go away on its own. It hasn't.

I love my ds and have always told him that he was beautiful and that his birthmark makes him unique. It is however the first thing other children notice about him and although they rarely say anything unpleasant about it I fear that it is only a matter of time.

Anyway the gp refused to refer him because he told her that he didn't want it taken away because it made him special. She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.

She made me feel like a very bad mummy who was trying to force her child into surgery just to make him prettier.

I, on the other hand, am constantly making ds do things he doesn't want to do; like getting out of bed, eating vegetables, going to school and saying his four times table. So I was not putting a lot of store into what ds says about not wanting a scary operation before we have spoken to a surgeon and have the full facts.

I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?

My DD had a medical problem but when I looked into the treatment it just seemed horrific so we decided we would teach her to stand up for herself. We also had the GP telling us all was fine, and we wanted to believe him, and I figured his qualifications meant he knew better than me who was only following mum's instinct.

Months later we knew we were right so went to Harley street where she had non invasive treatment, not the horrific option, and she is fine now. She was only 10 months so had no say and was not bothered by the treatment but the condition was going to cause problems.

I also paid privately to take my 2 year old for a hearing test as I knew he couldn't hear properly.

You do what you have to but this just doesn't sit right. He is 8, he knows what he wants and you seem more bothered than he does (you - a lot, him - not at all).

YABVU - why should the NHS pay for a purely cosmetic operation, or even a referral, for a patient who doesn't want it? If it was a health issue then your decision should override ds's but its' not. The minute he gets bullied or wants the removal himself then by all means go for it but while he doesn't why fuss just for vanity's sake? And about 'psychological damage' - kids get bullied for hundreds of reasons - there's no guarantee he'd get bulled with the birthmark or wouldn't without. In fact the worst part of bullying is it targets those with low confidence and erodes it even further - why risk your ds's confidence now by showing him that either you were lying that his mark makes him special or that you'd prefer him to be 'normal' instead of special?

Your gp sounds refreshingly sensible!

AOS that is totally uncalled for.

Speaking as someone who has grown up with something "different", it is very hard and bullying is almost inevitable, children will hone in on this stuff. The later years of primary school were the worst for me.

It may be that you son is lucky but being realistic he is going to start to notice the stares and comments more and more as he grows older.

I find it hard that people can't understand why a mother would be keen to look into the removal/minimisation of a growth the size of a satsuma on a child's face. We are not talking a mole here, or a difference in colouring.

I think that the GP should definitely have referred you. I find it amazing that she would not.

FWIW at secondary school I refused plastic surgery to conceal the scars from corrective surgery - it was a combination of I'd had enough, and thinking that I'd been through so much grief I wanted something to show for it. PLus the correction hadn't worked that well so I was never going to be "normal" anyway, it seemed easier to at least be able to "prove" I had something wrong visually.

Anyway I suppose my point is that however self confident you are, difference is hard to grow up with, and I imagine facial differences are amongst the hardest things as they are so obvious.

I would be doing exactly the same as you OP.

BrokenArm - a strawberry haemangioma, if that is what it is, is also potentially dangerous. If it gets hit or scraped it can bleed profusely, and the skin can be too fine to properly stitch up. The sort of bump that would just give you a minor graze could see the OP's ds having emergency plastic surgery.

It is not vain or trivial to explore these options. Nor does it condemn the child to being bullied. It is good parenting to be prepared for these possibilities.

Oh these nasty posts make me !

I agree with the GP, if your child is happy with the way he looks why put him through surgery that he doesn't want? Maybe when he is older he will choose to have the surgery when he feels he needs to.

How would you like it if your DS was making you have surgery to change your wrinkles or big nose? (not saying you have either).

Let him decide when he is ready (if he ever is).

My ds was born with a cleft lip and palate and had his initial surgeries when he was way too young to express an opinion.

He had further surgery at 10, 11 and 13, and whilst he didn't want it - and it was largely for aesthetic reasons - we went ahead with it.

He is now 17 and has chosen to have further surgery, which is absolutely not essential, but in a world where looks are important, he feels is worth having. We are supporting him, but it is totally his decision.

I am so proud him. His 'birth defect' has never defined him in any way, he has many friends - including girlfriends - is confident and bright with a wonderful personality. People love him, and part of the great person he has become is due to the experiences he has had.

However, there was a time when dh and I had to make decisions that he didn't like. He now says we were right.

I don't envy you Trice - but I do know that you are only wanting to do what is best for your ds. I would certainly talk it over with another gp, and maybe look at other sites that are specifically geared towards facial appearance.

Good luck!

Prettycandles - but the risk of bleeding from a haemangioma is absolutely minimal - if it was a significant risk, then all children would be offered steroids or surgery from the emergence of the mark ? DDs multiple marks have never ever bled and it's not considered a risk by her consultant - the biggest risk is structural malformations if they emerge close to the lips, nasal cavity etc.

OP YANBU. At this stage it seems you just want to get the facts, which I think is the right way to go. Once you get referred and find out more about what is involved, then you can make an informed decision.
I agree with your point that we are always making decisions for our children, and most of these relate to how we expect their life to be in the future (e.g. getting them to eat vegetables even if they don't want to, because of the long term benefits which they are unable to understand fully). Your DS is only 8, and I guess (I have younger kids) has not got a great understanding of teenage/adult life (thank god!). You have done a brilliant job in making him feel happy with himself, and he is obviously a credit to you.
It is not the same thing AT ALL (as there was no danger of anaesthetic etc) but I had a brace when younger and HATED it with a PASSION. It was agony and totally unattractive. However, my mum encouraged me to go through all the pain, as she knew I would thank her for it as an adult. And I did/do.
Part of being a parent is making the difficult choices, armed with full information, in order to ensure our children have the best future possible.

Sassybeast - I stand corrected. No doubt understanding of these things has changed over the years. 30 years ago I was told that I must be careful not to injure my birthmark. I can never forget this because hairdressers inevitably catch it with the comb, and occasionally even with the tip of their scissors if I don't point it out. I was also told that if it completely faded it would be safe because only fat would be left beneath the skin, not blood vessels. Which appears to have happened.

Possibly also got the name of the birthmark wrong - mine was always refered to as a "strawberry mark" - is that the same as a strawberry haemangioma?

Pretty - even since DD developed hers a matter of years ago, the approach has changed - the structurally dangerous ones can be treated now with a drug more commonly used for treating high blood pressure. The one above DDs ear is actually the one that has faded the most, although I think some of that is that the mark stopped growing whilst she didn't. Yeah - I've always referred to them just as strawberry marks. Just out of interest, does anyone else in your family have one ? My sister had one on her chest and another one of my kids has one on her leg but I've never been able to find any info about family links ?

I'm the only one. (And my dc are the only members of either family to have blue birthmarks on their bums!) AFAIK there is no genetic link. But I haven't looked into it for ages. I did worry when pg with dc1, but what I read upset me so much that I decdied to stop researching and only cross that bridge if it became necessary.

My parents said that I had injections in my mark when I was a baby, but they chose to stop because it was so distressing and did nto appear to make any difference. I don't know hwat the injections were, and they don't remember, either.

My mark is now so small that most people don't notice it unless I take my glasses off, and often not even then. It is a slightly different colour to the rest of my face, more freckley, and shows up more if I am poorly and pale-faced.

I am in a simelar position, DS has a cosmetic 'problem' and is same age as your DS. DS is now of the age where he doesn't want an op (we put it off till older for various reasons as am not sure of subjecting him to an op just to make him 'fit in') but it makes me really sad when kids tease him (and I dread secondary age) and then we feel guilty that we never pushed for early correction.

I do think you DR was right, though, and we will be only having the op when/if DS chooses too. Kids will always find something to tease..ginger hair, glasses, fat, thin, spotty, barbie etc.

I can understand your dilema though and it is tough if you have never been put in the position.

Don't assume that kids will be teased at secondary school. Ds has mainly been approached along the 'what's wrong with your nose' - but out of curiosity. We've always encouraged him to be totally open and explain that he'll have a series of ops, and by the time he's an adult, his cleft will be barely noticeable.

He has never been bullied, although occasionally people have been unkind. Our job has been to give him the strength of character and self confidence to cope with it, and realise that it's not his problem.

That is very reassuring ajandjjmum. DS has only been teased a few times but it is awful. On his birthday, we were having a lovely day until a boy said to him 'you look weird' and DS was upset bless him. I always reassure him it is not his problem.

Well al kids get teased about something , and your Ds sounds quite a resilient little chap.I think you underrate him !

This is a very tough one, but I think he will very likely feel differently about this when he hits adolescence and gets more appearance conscious. For now if he does not want surgery and is OK with it, maybe leave him but let him know that if he ever wants to change his mind, you are there? as Barack says its not a now or never situation

I am sure he knows you think he is beautiful

Like ajandjjmum my child was born with a cleft lip and palate and has already had 2 operations in her 3 years of life - she will have at least another 2. You could argue that cleft surgery is also cosmetic but I am damn sure about my daughter having the surgery.

Her next surgery will be when she is about 8 and will have part of her hip grafted into her gum - I'm pretty sure that she won't 'want' it but I am certain that she will have the surgery anyway.

I think it is so very easy for parents who have children without a facial difference to harp on about leave them, it's his choice but when you live it day in day out and see how people look at you child (and they are too young to notice)it is very different.

I am also trying to build up my daughter's self esteem to enable her to deal with it and hope that I do as good a job as the original poster.

good post Louby

out of interest op, who told you he would grow out of the birthmark?

Was it plastics because if it was just someone general then I wouldn't take any notice and I would be asking for a referral to the specialist to see what options there are but also to see if it does carry any risks with having the birthmark (assuming its a haemangioma).

I was told that my ds who had a slight cleft lip would grow out of it by the paeds but fortunately he was referred to the cleft team who assured us he would not grow out of it and operated.

if the birthmark sticks out, as OP has said, and is size of tangerine, that is pretty noticeable. As a boy, as well, with rough and tumble, i imagine it will hurt a lot of it gets knocked etc.

I think you have a difficult choice Trice...
Both my sons have rather sticky out ears, which they are old enough to be very aware of. I offered the 11 -yr-old surgery, as he has grown his hair exceptionally long to cover them. But he says no, as he is happy to have long hair and is scared of surgery. I figure, we can look at that at a later date, but he is a very handsome boy and I think most people just see that and not his ears.

i don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but I think I would let him be, bless him.

Very glad to see that this thread has got a bit more balanced. Trice, would you consider seeing a different GP within your practice? Maybe you could go on your own and take a photo of your son with you, explaining his ambivalence but your feeling that it is important to explore all the options with a specialist? I think it's terrible that you and your son are effectively being denied NHS care because of the opinion of one GP. I would hate to feel forced down a private route for this sort of thing- I have a gut feeling that you are likely to get more balanced medical advice and people more attuned to children's emotions and feelings about treatment on the NHS.

Hi Trice, YANBU, and the reason I say this is because I was born with a hare lip and bilateral cleft palate. I had lots of operations as a very young child.

When I was 11 I decided that I did not want anymore (even though they were far from finished). My mum took over and made the choice for me that I would carry them on.

I was bullied terribly at school and had no self confidence. I resented her for the first couple but am so thankful to her now.

I am now 45 (omg where did those years go) and have had 27 operations, I can truthfully say that no one I meet would even guess except for two little scars on my lip. My nose (didnt have one) is fantastic and cute.

Its all thanks to a very brave mother who put up with tantrums etc because I thought that at 11 I knew best.

So people may disagree with me but you are so not being unreasonable you are thinking of your sons future and the very best of luck to you both

xxx

Thanks justsue...confirmation that my decisions with regard to my childs cleft are right.

(See my previous post in this thread)

This is such a tricky one. i know for a fact if my Dh was offered an operation at 8 to get rid of his birth mark he would have taken it like a shot so the fact your DS isn't bothered by it is both testament both to his confidence and the lack of bullying in his life so far. (It was never an option for DH as he has a port wine birthmark). I think from your latest post you are saying you are going to have a consultation, see what the options are and then weight it up from there.

If there are not problems with leaving it until your son is ready to have it removed then that would certainly seem the best course of action.

Been pondering some more and talking to DD and I think Skegnesss solution is a good compromise at the minute. I'd either see another GP or go ahead and get a private referral but go by yourself so that you can get more info and your son won't feel in any way pressured. It may be that seeing a specialist WILL be positive in that they may reassure you that things may start to change naturally - DD is not that different in age to your lad and has still got significant strawberries although they ARE fading.