To want my ds to have a cosmetic operation against his will?

[trice]

My lovely ds has a birthmark on his chin which is about the size of a satsuma and sticks out. He is eight now and has had it since he was born.

I took him to the gp today and asked her to refer him to a plastic surgeon as I wanted to hear the options for getting it removed/reduced. We were told that he couldn't have it operated on when he was a baby as it would go away on its own. It hasn't.

I love my ds and have always told him that he was beautiful and that his birthmark makes him unique. It is however the first thing other children notice about him and although they rarely say anything unpleasant about it I fear that it is only a matter of time.

Anyway the gp refused to refer him because he told her that he didn't want it taken away because it made him special. She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.

She made me feel like a very bad mummy who was trying to force her child into surgery just to make him prettier.

I, on the other hand, am constantly making ds do things he doesn't want to do; like getting out of bed, eating vegetables, going to school and saying his four times table. So I was not putting a lot of store into what ds says about not wanting a scary operation before we have spoken to a surgeon and have the full facts.

I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?

You have done a good job of making your DS confident .
Howevwr you have now undone all this at a stroke.You should have waited until/if the impetus came from him before you saw a doctor

All Im saying is allow him to make his own choice. He shows maturity and should stay in control of his own appearance. A lot of other posts agree with me - there is plenty of time to do the op when he is ready and because he has made his own decision he will accept the discomfort involved and not resent you for it. My point is we should accept disfigurement and disability without judgement, there would be more acceptance in the world - talking about wigs is ridiculous.

incidentally, I post on the Special Needs website for a reason and agonising over a little birthmark is pretty pathetic

I personally would not press this issue unless he wanted it done.
Any operation (necessary or not) can be dangerous. My DS2 had his tonsills out about 18m ago after being ill with a persistant and eventually antibiotic resistant bacterial infection for over a year. 5 days after the op he was re-admitted as an emergency and put on a drip with IV fluids and antibiotics. The most worrying time of DH and I's life! This op was necessary, but they all come with risks, your son sounds great, he's obviously not worried about his birthmark so neither should you be. You've instilled great confidence in him so far, well done!
I had the chance a few years ago to enroll DD1 on a special program to improve her dyslexia, but she said no, she liked who she was and her dyslexia was her dippy self that her friends loved!
It now seems that she has more to deal with though, as chronic knee pain has led to a consultant saying she will need 2, possibly 4 major ops on her legs involving bones being broken and muscles realigned. I'm worried about the risks of theese ops and will be asking for more info on how necessary this is. I think because of existing pain and risk of arthritis at a very early age, this will have to go ahead, but I wouldn't consent to op's unless they were absolutely necessary.
Good luck to you both, your son sounds fab as he is.

trice, I think you have done exactly the right thing. As an adult and parent, you know what may be facing him in the future and you are very sensibly starting the conversation with him now about this issue in a gentle way by taking him to a consultant so he knows what his options are.

I have experience in a very very minor way of this sort of thing. I broke my front teeth as a kid, they were not milk teeth so I must have been about 7. I couldn't have cared less and happily flashed my vampire-ella smile around and I have the school photos to show for it! However I remember my mum ever-so-politely and gently pushing my dentist for a date when he would put 'caps' on. His view was, don't bother, she doesn't mind. But my mums was, she WILL mind at some point, we know that as adults, so lets not let her get to the point where she's got to be upset by someone, lets sort it now.

It's the grown up thing to do and I think you've done it right, personally.

YABVVU A parent - child relationship depends on trust, you will be breaking that trust if you put him through a very painful proceedure, which is not life threatening.
He could have long term psychological damage if you force him to do smething against his will.
If he finds he's having difficulty in the future he can have it removed then.
At 8 he sound mature enough to be making to correct decision for himself, why not put your trust in him for a while?
I do agree with barnpotsmum I think the only reason you are pushing this on him, is so YOU can have a perfect child. accept him for who he is.

barnpotsmum

comments like yours are EXACTLY why i think s sensitive ossie like this should not go in AIBU

shame

ossie?? FFS I meant to say issues

And if you read my post and several others hanababylecter, you will see that several of us were quite pleased that our parents put us through surgery before our 'difference' became a psychological issue.

In any event, trice is not saying she is going to force her DS to have surgery, merely that she would like to be referred to a specialist so that any choice is an informed one

Oh I do apologise. Next time the op ask for opinions she should specify she only wants opinions that agree with her. There have been plenty of people who do not. Are you uncomfortable with childen with Special Needs? Our children are still children - and we are still mums. Should we not post outside our 'restricted area' as our ossie issues dont fall into the category of parenthood?

After what my DS2 went through with his tonsillectomy and the following infection he is now petrified of needles, doctors etc. it's a real phobia and is worrying for his future. It WAS a necessary operation as he'd been poorly for a long time and wasn't going to get better on his own.
Please think long and hard before putting your DS through anything similar, sometimes it can have a devastating effect.

from the OP 'I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?'
this sounds like she wants to force him to do something which he didn't want to do.
Also 'Anyway the gp refused to refer .....She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.'
it sounds like the GP got the impression she was making him do something against his will.
If I got the impression she was trying to force him it's only because of her own words.

I am all for open agreements and disagreements, and I have welcomed differing opinions on here. I just happen to think your comment was a bit nasty

to quote: People like you probably think the disabled shouldnt be let out in public because theyre not 'perfect'

come on!!! that wasn't very nice! and you know it too as posted some sofetr ones afterwards!!!!

barnspotmum, there have been plenty of people who have disagreed with the op, but you have been particularly personal I think. Especially with regards to your assumptions about what she thinks of disabled people.

I am also sorry that you think a birthmark is trivial, I quote "agonising over a little birthmark is pretty pathetic." My DH was rendered near suicidal as a result of his whilst a teenager. His mother was accused of child abuse by people she met inthe street when he was a baby and she still can't talk about the day of his birth without emotion and he is nearly 40 - perhaps you should tell her she was pathetic too. He worried through my previous pregnancy and is worrying throughout this one in case our child has a birthmark and has to cope with the lifetime of bullying, remarks and prejudice he has had as a result. It took him until he was at least 30 to come to terms with it.

Your post has made me really quite angry.

Did you not read her subsequent posts then? Because she sounded like she is keen to explore solutions with a consultant rather than dragging her child kicking and screaming to the surgeon.

barnpotsmum - my friends have a DD with severe cerebral palsy. I daresay she has not wanted any of the 20 or so operations she's had so far in her life but her parents have decided they are for the best because they are the only way she is ever going to be able to walk (if ever). Are they terrible parents looking for a perfect child? No, they're parents trying to give their children all the chances they possibly can.

And, leading on from my previous post, if my MIL was offered an op for my DH when he was a child she would have wanted him to have it. Not because she wanted a "perfect child". in her mind she already had a perfect child, the mark didn't matter one jot to her or the rest of the family. She would have wanted him to have it to save him from what she knew he would have to face.

Barnpotsmum point is not about necessary operations but about the childs right to choose, when he is ready for it, which is obviously not now.
Of course he should have it removed, no one would say he should suffer bullying and discrimination, however he doesn't want it a present. or don't his choices matter.
I have a child with CP (1yo) so far I have chosen what treatment is best for him, but when he is old enough, I would respect his desicions reguarding his treatments.
What I think a lot of people are saying is that this is not a life threatening disfigurement and if he sees it as something which makes him individual then why try to make him one of the crowd?

I don't think tht was the only thing that barnspotmum was saying though. how does:

"People like you probably think the disabled shouldnt be let out in public because theyre not 'perfect'.

or

"agonising over a little birthmark is pretty pathetic"

make that point?

What it is ok to agonise over? Is there some sort of league table?

My son has severe SN.
I don't think a parent worrying about a birthmark is now too unimportant to read about or discuss just because I have 'bigger fish to fry'.

1. DS2 has severe SN. 2)Ds1 has just developed some teenage spots. 3)DD gets exczema. No1 does not mean I don't ever worry about 2 or 3. I have even been known to spend considerable amounts of time choosing a nail varnish colour. I don't think that means I have shit priorities. I think it means I am human and I don't wish to view the whole world through the prism of DS2s differences.

FWIW I would wait until ( or indeed if) my child expressed a desire to have birthmark removed.

Exactly pagwatch

I guess the problem some people have here is that it's cosmetic surgery being suggested - if it was surgery that would make life easier for the child, but wasn't cosmetic (or essentially life-saving), would people be so quick to judge harshly? Having hammer toes broken and re-set, for e.g.?

My view is is let your child decide...If he is happy with himself then let it be. My Daughter has an eye that wanders whenever it feels like it....the optician keeps asking for me to let her have surgery but my daughter doesnt want to....she is 14 now and it doesnt bother one bit. I feel I made my eldest who's 23 have surgery on her eye when she was younger (she had to as she had double vision), however the surgeon cut the skin and she was left with a scar. I will never forget her screaming at me when walking in the ward shouting "you've done this to me". Good luck in whatever you r outcome is.

Great post Pagwatch!

trice...are you still in one piece?...there have been some overly harsh comments on this thread, and your concern for you son is in no way "pathetic".