To want my ds to have a cosmetic operation against his will?

[trice]

My lovely ds has a birthmark on his chin which is about the size of a satsuma and sticks out. He is eight now and has had it since he was born.

I took him to the gp today and asked her to refer him to a plastic surgeon as I wanted to hear the options for getting it removed/reduced. We were told that he couldn't have it operated on when he was a baby as it would go away on its own. It hasn't.

I love my ds and have always told him that he was beautiful and that his birthmark makes him unique. It is however the first thing other children notice about him and although they rarely say anything unpleasant about it I fear that it is only a matter of time.

Anyway the gp refused to refer him because he told her that he didn't want it taken away because it made him special. She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.

She made me feel like a very bad mummy who was trying to force her child into surgery just to make him prettier.

I, on the other hand, am constantly making ds do things he doesn't want to do; like getting out of bed, eating vegetables, going to school and saying his four times table. So I was not putting a lot of store into what ds says about not wanting a scary operation before we have spoken to a surgeon and have the full facts.

I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?

I agree with WorkingItOut, you have done so well to make him accept the birthmark as part of him, as what makes him special.

It makes me think that he is self confident enough to deal with it.

A good friend of my Mum has a son who had a very large birthmark on his face, it covered the whole right side of his face. He was such a fab wee boy, so confident and funny that he rarely had any bother with bullying. When he was about 13yo he did have some laser surgery to reduce it but by then it was so part of him that he did not go for any more treatment.

If you now make a fuss about wanting to get it removed, you may end up making him feel selfconcious about it for the first time in his life.

I would leave it for now let him take the lead.

I would agree with workingitout I think you have obviously installed some real self esteem in to your son over what could potentially be an upsetting thing for him.

I think if he is confident about it then let him get on with. I completely understand that you want to protect him from hurtful comments or bullying, but that may or may not happen - just as it may or may not happen to any child, birthmark or not.

He is only 8, maybe as he gets a bit older and starts to be more aware of how he looks he might change his mind, but I think for now you should just feel proud of what sounds like a fantastic little boy with a very positive attitude.

Oh- I forgot to add that surely the things he said to GP echo what you've been telling him his whole life about how he is beautiful etc etc. So in fact you've done a tremendous job of boosting his self-esteem to the point that this birthmark is not an issue for him.

You should be very proud of that- leave him to decide when he is older.

I was very aware of what i wanted and didnt want at 8. He doesn't want to have a part of his body removed. Why on EARTH would you insist on that?? This makes me so

He. Doesn't. Want. It!!!

Maybe the op is thinking that right now the other kids accept him, and would accept him post operation while he recovered etc, and he'd have a few years for the scars to fade etc til he got to secondary.

If he has it done after he has suffered a few years of bullying and teasing in secondary school, then his self esteem will have suffered unnecessarily AND he'll still have to cope with the scarring and recovery whilst those same people are teasing.

Maybe some kids and some schools aren't like that, but the majority are, and I know the op only has her sons best interests at heart.

I'm not saying you should force him by any means op, just saying I think I understand your dilemma, and why you'd want him to just get it done earlier rather than later.

God knows I wish my mum had forced me to get a brace in my early teens rather than leaving the decision up to me so now in my twenties my overcrowded compacted teeth are causing me no end of trouble I can't afford to fix.

I actually think you are likely to undo the work you have done on boosting his self confidence if you carry on...

He can decide when he is older cant he?

I cant stress how unreasonable i think you are being.

Oh yes i understand why you thought about it. I dont think you are a cruel mother or anything. I dont understand why when he said no you wouldnt drop it though.

To clarify

Obviously you have his best intentions at heart but your ds clearly isn't bothered by it at this moment in time so I would leave it until he wants it removed. I think forcing the issue could knock his confidence. He sounds adorable btw!

As someone who went through childhood with a large facial birthmark, and whose parents made a fantastic job of not letting the birthmakr become an issue, I think the GP was mistaken.

Of course the child has the right to participate in decisions made about his body. But, at the same time, the child does not have all the imformation needed to make these choices. All he knows, so far, is his parents' confidence. How can he or his parents make an informed decision if they don't know what surgery would entail?

There is no need to undermine the child's confidence. IMO the GP should refer him to the surgeon, but the parents should go alone - with photos of their ds - to discuss the situation without worrying about undermining the child.

It is very insulting to tell the OP that she has issues with her child's appearance, or that she is seeking to perfect her child.

This is a difficult one. I know you want to minimise difficulties for your son and I would feel and do the same as you have. I think you feel misled you were told it would go away and it hasn't - I certainly would.
With your son, if he says he doesn't want it, it would be difficult for all of you to go through an operation, he was saying he didn't want. I think you are anticipating some problems and difficulties, some of which I am sure he will, unfortunately, encounter in the future.
I think you need to satisy yourself (perhaps with a meeting with a different doctor) there is a procedure that could be easily carried out in the future, should he want it. If you knew this I think you'd be happy to wait, possibily forever, knowing that should he ask for further help, you can easily tap into it.

Slightly different but when I was about 11 I needed braces on my teeth (they were shocking) but I told mum I didn't want them. I ended up getting them when I was 28 and still feel slightly aggrieved that my mum took the word of an 11 year old and didn't get my teeth done so I spent all of my life until I finally got my teeth fixed being terribly embarrassed about my teeth. And it didn't help that my parents kept making comments about how bad they were.

If my DD needs braces - I'll make sure she has them - even if she doesn't want to at the time, because I know it's in her best interest in the long run.

Not sure if a birthmark is the same, though - if he genuinely isn't bothered by it, then maybe leave it. He may change his mind at a later date? I was genuinely bothered by my teeth even at 11, but was also bothered by braces.

Not sure if that ramble helps at all! I think YANBU to worry about him, but perhaps slightly U if he genuinely isn't bothered.

I agree you've done a brilliant job on your ds's confidence but you are right, the GP should have made the referral so you and your ds could talk to the surgeon and make a fully informed decision exploring all the options.

If ds is still not interested in doing anything now after speaking to the surgeon, fine, you'll have to accept that. But it's too much to expect an 8yo to take full responsibility for this decision before even finding out what is and what isn't possible and the implications of going ahead now or waiting.

Btw, whichever party gets in at the next election, the NHS is going to really struggle over the next decade, so funding for this kind of operation may be increasingly tricky to come by. So even more important you get that referral now and find out what ds wants to do once he's armed with the information.

Maybe you should talk all this over with ds first and see if you can encourage him to at least see the surgeon and find out more about what is possible and what would be involved in either going ahead or waiting. Then if he says OK, go back to the GP and explain that while ds will of course be involved, you would like him to have all the information HE needs to make a proper decision.

Yes, like fufulina, I wish my mum had been more persistent about my teeth. I think,like you, she was glad I wasn't vain enough to have them done, but now I do regret it.

What is all this information you don't think the child has? Surely all he needs to know is he can have it removed in an operation and he will be put to sleep while it is done and will have a scar for a while. What else is there for him to know?

YABU.

Your son sounds happy and confident (all your doing there ).

It's not a case of now or never, if he's happy, leave it be. If he changes his mind, go back for an appointment. Plus the later he has it the better for his scar, if he grows the scar stretches.

That's just it - you don't know what you you don't know until you learn about it.

I had no issues about my birthmark. It stopped growing with me when I was about5 or 6, and started fading, but was still bright and protruding when I was of an age to start feeling body-conscious. It was still protruding when I was of an age to start being interested in makeup, and it got in the way.

My mum wanted me to have it removed. So we found out what this would entail, adn I decided - with full knowledge - that I didn't want it done. I prefered what I had to the scarring possibilities. Even though the scars would be less visible than the birhtmakr. That was my choice and she respected it. But by then I knew what it was like to be teased about it, and to live with it when it got in the way. It made no difference to my sense of self-esteem, or to the way I thought my mum felt about me.

That is why I think the parents should find out, so that they are prepared when the child asks about it. Of ocurse, this doen'st need to be done right now, but it is an option. And it should not be rejected just because the child is not interested right now.

I think the GP should have given you the referral but the final decision, with all the facts, should then be down to your DS and you need to make it clear that you don't mind one way or another.

Is the birthmark likely to continue to grow with him?

Agree strongly with workingitoutasigo and PrettyCandles. A specialist can advise best on the pros and cons of removal so that your son and you can reach an informed decision. The GP should definitely refer you on, IMO.

I think the comments on the OP making her son feel bad about his appearance by investigating this at all are RIDICULOUS. He's clearly a lovely, confident boy who believes he's gorgeous, as I'm sure he is. But later he may well feel differently about the mark, despite his parents' every efforts. He deserves to know what the options are and the OP is quite right to support him to find out about those and help him emotionally with the decision,IMO.

And as for boohooing about mothers who force their children to have body parts removed... words fail me! Since when is a birthmark a body part?!

I went in this morning with the hope that if we could just get this all over and done with it would be sorted before ds had had to deal with bullying and all that upset. The gp seems to want proof of psychological damage before allowing access to nhs funds.

I agree that I would be unreasonable to force ds to have the op against his will. I have spent years convincing him that his birthmark is just another part of a wonderful little boy, but he doesn't understand the issues he is likely to face just a few years down the line. Even if he doesn't want the surgery now I would like for us all to know as a family what the options and likely outcomes are if he changes his mind. I don't think that there are many people who would grow up with his sort of facial disfigurement and choose to do nothing at all about it if there were an option.

I have three choices. I can wait until he gets bullied/fails to get a girlfriend without knowing if it is better to do the op earlier or later and just hope for the best. I could talk him into saying what the gp wants to hear or I can just go privately and get the consultation so that we know what the options are.

I am not prepared to dent the confidence I have spent years trying to build up in my ds just so he will say what the gp wants to hear, I think it would be neglectful to wait and see what happens in case there is an advantage in operating early, so I am going to take him privately. It will cost £150 but it will give me peace of mind and ds will know exactly what his options are.

I have to say that if there is an advantage in operating earlier rather than later I will do my best to talk him into giving his consent. If not I will be happy to wait and see.

Just another point - people always assume that GPs aren't specialists in anything - many of them have previous experience in specialist areas so the GP may well be experienced in plastics. She may also be aware that there are funding issues for cosmetic surgery in that particular area and know that a referral is pointless anyway.

You seem intent on condemning him to being bullied further down the line and you are in danger of making that into a self fulfilling prophecy. Yes there are some horrible kids out there but there are also lots and lots of kids and teenagers who are non judgemental, accepting of difference, fair and respectful.

YABU -- You can always pay 150 quid in future 2 get a quick referal/set of opinions.

If U got opinions 2day but Ur son still refused 4 another 4 years by then the options Will Have Changed you'll have more & better options. You'd be wasting your time 2 get opinions before he's ready.

Surgery is risky -- have U no fears at all about your child going under a GA?