To want my ds to have a cosmetic operation against his will?

[trice]

My lovely ds has a birthmark on his chin which is about the size of a satsuma and sticks out. He is eight now and has had it since he was born.

I took him to the gp today and asked her to refer him to a plastic surgeon as I wanted to hear the options for getting it removed/reduced. We were told that he couldn't have it operated on when he was a baby as it would go away on its own. It hasn't.

I love my ds and have always told him that he was beautiful and that his birthmark makes him unique. It is however the first thing other children notice about him and although they rarely say anything unpleasant about it I fear that it is only a matter of time.

Anyway the gp refused to refer him because he told her that he didn't want it taken away because it made him special. She said that she didn't want to make ds do anything he didn't want to do.

She made me feel like a very bad mummy who was trying to force her child into surgery just to make him prettier.

I, on the other hand, am constantly making ds do things he doesn't want to do; like getting out of bed, eating vegetables, going to school and saying his four times table. So I was not putting a lot of store into what ds says about not wanting a scary operation before we have spoken to a surgeon and have the full facts.

I think she should have referred him and let us, as parents, make the decision in the best interest of ds. AIBU?

I was born with a cleft lip and palate and as I am nearly 40 cosmetic surgery wasn't as good as it is now and I don't look very pretty. I'm not grossly disfigured or anything but people always stared and it has affected my confidence. When I was 12 my GP wanted to refer me to a surgeon to improve my lip but my mother didn't want me to have it done and she talked me out of it. There has never been a day that I haven't thought about it. I should have had the procedure. I should have stood up for myself but I was only 12 and I thought my mother knew best.

Your son is only 8 and cannot possibly know how the birthmark will affect him in the future. It seems to me that you have his best interests at heart. You are his mother and I think you need to speak for your son in this matter. If you think it is for his own good then it most probably is. You don't sound like the hospital phobic mother I have.

Being pointed at and bullied and mocked and made feel different - an 8 yr old will feel special now but not in his teens believe me - are not trivial issues and unless you have lived through it you can't possibly know anything about it.

I am genuinly (if the spelling is wrong please feel free to mock - I won't take any notice) very sorry for anyone who has a condition or illness where operations have to be performed to improve the quality of life but not having a birthmark will also improve the quality of your sons life. He will thank you for it in later years.

i can't believe barnpotsmum's comments - appalling.

fwiw, i've spent some years contemplating cosmetic surgery for dd2 who has cerebral palsy. i've never seen 'posting on the sn board' used in such a manner to imply some sort of superior knowledge of what is and isn't important in terms of 'difference'. lol, i have seen a bit of competitive sn-ing in my time, but that really takes the biscuit. normally, we keep that to ourselves.

trice - in dd2's case (she's 6 now) i'm talking about a squint. many children ask 'what's wrong with her eyes?', and like you, we're doing our level best to instil in her a level of confidence and openness to deflect bullying before it starts. nevertheless, she's already 'different' enough to attract atttention without retaining specific difference as some sort of badge of honour.

my real issue is that as an 'nt' child, she would have been offered cosmetic surgery to correct the squint etc before school, to prevent onset of bullying. as an 'sn' child, we have to ask what is possible - (yada, yada barnpot, of course there are additional risks re ga/ success, but without specific referral we don't know what they are.)

if i were in your shoes, trice, i would be asking for a second opinion and a referral. your son's confidence can be maintained by seeing it as an opportunity for both of you to learn more about the mark, rather than treating it as something you (necessarily) want rid of.

dd2 gets trawled round all sorts of OT, physio, SLT, neuro, paed, ed psych, opthalmologists, optometrists etc, and, you know, sometimes she's not overly keen. in our case all these options are teaching her how to get the best out of her body - essentially an attempt to gain functional independence (which can also be seen as 'normalising' in terms of wider society, if you want to look at it like that). whether or not an adult or child should be subjected to the same criteria as other members of society is an interesting question, but we all accept (however grudgingly) that in terms of assessment our children are judged in terms of what is widely accepted as 'normal'.

urgh. sorry about going on. still grinding my teeth re barnpot. sn or not, everyone is entitled to look at their options.

I wonder whether your GP didn't refer you because cosmetic surgery is really only funded as an exception apart from reconstruction surgery, and that has been tightened up greatly in the last couple of years, so that referrals are now also under scrutiny as well as treatment. That means that each case has to be individually argued on it's merits, and in general cosmetic surgery is only funded where there is significant psychological distress.

I think that your decision to get a private assessment is probably a sensible one, just to get an idea of the options, but you will need to choose your consultant very carefully (ideally someone who both specialises in facial surgery for children and also has an NHS practice) and I'd really look to see if you can get preferably several personal recommendations too, as it's unlikely that a useful assessment can be made without you son being seen in person. So you will also need to have a really good chat with your son about why you think it is a good idea to go and talk to someone about possibilities. It sounds like you've done a grand job in raising him to feel good about his birthmark, but you'll perhaps want to make sure that he knows he'd be special without his birthmark too, just as kids do get funny ideas about things.

i reckon that when he discovers girls is when he'll be more agreeable to have it removed.

robie: I to was born with a hare lip and clefte palate but had a wonderful mum who wanted me to have every operation that i could ( I had 27). The result is a perfect nose and two tiny scars on my top lip. So TRICE as I said before please do the best for your son that you can

slight hijack justsue but can I ask how many ops you needed to correct the hare lip?

ds is 1 and had a hare lip and he's had surgery but I'm wondering if he will need anymore as his septum looks deviated. So just wondering really?

Trice I hope you have more luck with the next doctor.

Nellie, Sorry for the massive delay in replying but came across this again tonight. I had 27 ops at Mount Vernon in Northwood they were fantastic. I am not perfect but who is lets face it. I hope your little one is doing well and if you need any advice please contat me

xxxxx

Realistically if he does start to get bullied about it then he will probably decided to have the operation anyway. Surely a win win situation all round?

Well I wish my parents had done something about my birthmark when I was very small. It was a strawberry mark on my forehead, to the left side. It developed skin cancer when I was 29 and now I have a big scar on my forehead due to op and skin graft. Not recommended. Do the op now. No question.

I would also suggest having it removed but think between primary school and high school might be a good time. He seems to be coping well, hopefully even with the new boys he's met at Cubs, but I think the long summer holiday between primary and secondary would be a good idea as your son will be a couple of years older and might be more amenable to it plus the 6 week holiday would give him a chance to heal. The gap will also help people forget his has this birthmark (everyone will be more concerned with adapting to the new school environment than trying to work out what is different) and the new people he meets won't know him any other way.

Sounds like you've done a great job with his self-esteem which will stand him in good stead in later life - in terms of himself and how he views others - but kids can be cruel. Lots of kids aren't cruel but they're not the ones that will be saying anything (positive or negative) it is the cruel ones that will be saying things. Does he link this birthmark with being the only thing that makes him special? Could you emphasise he's special in so many other ways and removing it won't take away anything from him?

I think YABU I have a birthmark similar to the one you described on my cheek my mum wanted it removed I didn't as it could be done later in life she let me keep it. I love it and I am quite insulted by the amount of people who consider birthmarks to be ugly and need to be removed.

Stop making children believe they have to have a flawless porcelain face.

agree with GP - let your DS come forward himself if it's bothering him.

I strongly disagree with your GP; what kind of birthmark is it, and is it vascular? You could have this discussion with a specialist and get information on what it's likely to do in future. If it could get larger still then it should be treated sooner rather than later, and if it's vascular it could get more complicated to treat as your son ages (and I'd be pretty sure he'd want something done about it later on). Children can't refuse treatment until they reach the age of 'Gillick competence', when they are old enough to understand the ramifications of the decisions they are making, and 8 will be nowhere near that. Go back, see another doctor, and get referred. Once you have full info about the birthmark, and a surgical opinion, then you can take your son's views into account and make a decision. (I'm a doctor btw).

Yes let DS decide - if its a cosmetic decision but you have final say for medical ones.
That's how it works with us.

Nellie12, if you're still out there, it's normal with modern surgery just to have one operation for a cleft lip, although I think they occasionally will do a further operation if necessary later on. DS had one for cleft lip and one for cleft palate.

Have you been assigned a specialist cleft nurse you can discuss your concerns about his septum with? Also the CLAPA website can prob. give lots of help and support.

Justsue, 27 operations, wow. You and your mum must have been very brave.

This is a decision for you to make after you have discussed it with the surgeon who would carry it out. Based on the pros and cons of doing it sooner/later, likelihood of success, risks etc which would need to be explained to you. Its not up to the GP or an 8 year old to decide that you shouldn't get to hear these. You need to arm yourself with as much info as you need to decide what it best to do.

See another GP. I thought the poster who suggested taking a photo of your son to another GP had a good idea. Then it doesn't become too much of an issue.

So what did you decide to do in the end Trice ?

I would go for referral again for the chat with specialist. It may be inoperable anyway. If you don;t do it, and wait until he is suddenly upset at age 14 (for example) and THEN is told inoperable he would be devastated. Get your options now - and get free treatment too!

My niece has birthmarks across her cheek, and now, aged 21 is very pissed off with er parents who refused to discuss them, in the "if we don't talk about them they aren't there" kind of way, she would like them removed, nhs wait is very very long and now she is at uni etc etc. She wishes she'd done it at age 10 before "big" school.

OMG just seen how old the OP is! What happened in the end trice?

LOL I have finally trawled to the end and also just noticed ow old it is!