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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really want my husband's female BF to stop borrowing him for her 'escort' of an evening.

155 replies

howdidthishappenthen · 25/11/2009 15:48

DH's female best friend from Uni has been staying with us weeknights now for 3 months after relocating back to London with a new job (she's supposed to be looking for a flat of her own but hasn't started yet). We both invited her to stay and generally I get on just fine with her. However, her new job involves lots of corp entertaining events and she's invited my husband along to a few evening drinks with her, mostly car themed stuff as he's a car nut. There's another one tomorrow and I'm invited too, but don't want to go as a: I'm in 3rd trim of DD2 so can't drink and can't stand on my feet making small talk for a couple of hours and b: I find cars unutterably tedious. A teensy niggly part of my wants her to fuck off and stop using my husband as an escort on these 'dos'. Mostly because she's very promiscuous (several new men a month) and slept with all her other male friends from Uni at some point or other (DH is adamant this does not apply in his case) and also because am feeling like I am very socially dull at the mo, (the end of pregnancy is so boring and knackering) but still not at all ready for someone else to step forward into my shoes on the social scene. I know DH would rather be out with me but I just wish there was some bloke for him to go with instead. AIBU to want her to stop inviting him to stuff and bugger off back into her own life?

OP posts:
crokky · 26/11/2009 14:04

Rindercella - I did not "attempt to qualify it". I told another poster that she had incorrectly extrapolated my message. I stand by what I orginally said.

It isn't ridiculous - he's been tempted by forbidden cigarettes so it is possible that he's been tempted by this forbidden woman. It's just logic!

2rebecca · 26/11/2009 14:05

I have a male friend I was out doing hobby related satuff with yesterday. I find it odd that some people would assume we have a sexual relationship as I don't fancy him but like him and we are both involved in organising events.
Having said that I would never describe him as my best male friend, that is my husband, and if he'd been staying with us free for 3 months would be getting marching orders. He has a wife and adult kids though, maybe some women just don't trust single women. She sounds annoying.

Rindercella · 26/11/2009 14:09

Very warped logic imo - "forbidden cigarettes"

PippiHasALifeOfRiley · 26/11/2009 14:14

Very warped logic indeed. I cannot resist eating biscuits and chocolate and MN so does that means I won't be able to resist sexual temptation from the first man who walks near me? Odd .

SolidGoldBangers · 26/11/2009 14:19

I think it;s also a bit wierd that people think it's wrong for a married person to go out to a type of event that bores the tits off the spouse. Overstaying houseguest issue aside, it's pretty mean-minded to say that your partner can't attend an event that s/he would enjoy, with a friend, just because you wouldn't like it.

claw3 · 26/11/2009 14:36

Had to re-read title, first attempt read

'to really want my husband's female BF to stop borrowing him her 'escort' of an evening.

Was going to ask if he was insured to drive it.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 14:43

dearie me she is a massive imposition upon you.using your flat like a hotel to crash out. time your dh firmly told her time to go now as baby on the way and she is over stayed welcome

she needs to hear that explicitly or she wont bother looking for flat

yuo arent socially dull,you are pg
what do you mean you know he'd rather be out?
he needs to prioritise you and dd, not schmoozing. by all means he can go out but some family time too

thesecondcoming · 26/11/2009 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 14:48

she has overstayed her welcome.rent free living.time to move out.

dittany · 26/11/2009 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 14:57

dont know how some of you extrapolate this into affair?she is taking piss staying on but obviously she needs to explicit be told to leave and given a firm date to go (best dh does this it is his pal)

frankly i wouldn't like any house guest 3months.male or female. definitely not whilst pg either

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/11/2009 14:58

Crokky, do you really think that is logical? really??

If he can't resist cigerattes he won't be able to resist another women??

Please explain that logic, and how it specifically applies to this man and not other men who may not be able to resist cigerettes, and why siad 'logic' would not apply equally to a women unable to rsist creamcakes or buying shoes or whatever.

I think if you attemot to explain your logic you will find it as utterly ilogical as myself and others see it, not to mention a tad offensive with a smidgen of ignorant black and white thinking thrown in to boot.

thisxgirl · 26/11/2009 15:09

She is taking the piss. If she was paying some sort of rent (£50 or so a week is about standard 'mates rates' for renting a room with bills included) and actively looking for a flat and wasn't behaving inappropriately with your husband, it wouldn't be so bad. Undesirable, yes, but not selfish and inconsiderate conduct.

But she seems to know which side her bread's buttered (why pay rent when you don't have to?!) and I actually wouldn't trust her one little bit. If she's so confident and promiscuous and has propositioned your DH several times before, how do you think she is with him at these events, with the drinks flowing? Doesn't it drive you mad thinking about her flirting with him and making herself so available to him? You are pregnant: your DH should be home, supporting you, most of the time. So what if his social life is going to falter when your baby arrives? Yours already has and it will be a long time before you regain it. He should be sharing the sacrifices with you.

I wouldn't even believe that nothing had happened between them before, when they were students together. Not that that really impacts your situation now - for as long as you trust him - but why would he turn her down like all these other men are unable to? She doesn't seem to respect you, your relationship/family or home. I don't know how you have put up with it.

Pikelit · 26/11/2009 15:17

I hate living in the pocket of a partner. Equally, experience has taught me that good rarely comes from this sort of logically reasonable arrangement. Usually, someone gets a shag. It's rarely the woman left home alone. She's just getting fucked about with.

forehead · 26/11/2009 15:26

I really can't believe that some of you believe nothing is going to happen between OP's dh and his 'best friend'. My dh is a wonderful man who has female friends. I would'nt however, allow any of those female friends to stay in my house for ANY length of time particularly if i am aware of the fact that she is a tart who sleeps with different men. The temptation would be strong for BOTH of them, particularly after a few drinks. TBH I think that the OP's dh is an insensitive prick. I also believe that the OP fears that her husband may stray whether she wants to admit it or not.

dittany · 26/11/2009 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 26/11/2009 15:32

I agree with you dittany.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 15:36

the dh and lodger both take piss.however,that doesnt equate to full on banging each other affair.op needs to do a bitty soul searching whether this is likely scenario. am baffled at his behaviours schmoozing around at do's.

however time to

set firm move out date eg 14 days and stick to it
get the key back
discuss with dh no extended house guests again
he commits to helpful role esp post-birth

thisxgirl · 26/11/2009 16:10

Yes, definitely, the OP's husband is also taking the piss. Maybe I'm demanding but I just would not have stood for my DP going out drinking regularly while I was in the latter stages of pregnancy at home. A pregnant woman has to make so many sacrifices for the wellbeing of their baby and they ought to be shared with the man, to some extent, i.e - if I can't go out and get pissed and dance and stay up until the early hours, you should support me in that, you should experience that with me and therefore make it easier/less lonely.

I do think that the friend is out of order on more counts though. She isn't paying rent, she's stayed on for an unreasonable length of time without effort to find somewhere else and she's not supporting their marriage/family in many ways - by inviting him out to these functions so often, by perhaps/probably flirting with him - and surely a friend of the husband needs to be supportive and respectful of the relationship he has chosen?

thisxgirl · 26/11/2009 16:23

Lodging issues aside - just focusing on the female best friend aspect - I don't think it would be a problem if it wasn't for the frequency with which these social occasions take the OP's husband away from her and their family (particularly when she needs his support). Of course he is entitled to enjoy himself with his choice of friend at events he's interested in - but his priority and the lion's share of his free time should be with his growing family, especially at this time. It would be the same issue whether the friend was male or female.

It also wouldn't be an issue if the female friend was respectful and supportive of the relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to interfere with your husband's friendships if you feel that those friendships are actively anti- your relationship. It's an assumption but I doubt I'm far off the mark with imagining that this woman flirts with the OP's husband to some degree...whether it be near the more harmless end of the scale (still disrespectful in the circumstances) or whether she brazenly offers herself to him, as she has done many times before.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 16:29

lets get balance her dh isnt coerced or dragged to soirée by wanton lustful bf.he goes off on own volition, that is the problem

they are both very much in the wrong
but dh more so as he has wife who is pg and he is swanning offsky

Nefertari · 26/11/2009 17:28

I can't believe that the dh hasn't slept with the "best friend", at least at Uni where it was apparently first offered. If she slept with everyone except the dh, he's either a liar or a saint.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 17:38

oh fgs you cant possibly know that!talk about take 2+2=75

Rindercella · 26/11/2009 17:50

Maybe he just doesn't fancy her - it is possible for a man to resist the charms of a woman he doesn't find particularly attractive you know.

A lot of you don't trust your husbands very much, do you?

thisxgirl · 26/11/2009 20:26

It obviously depends on his personality and it's hugely reductive to make generalisations and apply them to men as a whole. But what I will say is that I have met many, many men who will admit to always sleeping with a woman they don't even particularly fancy just because it's offered - for whatever reasons, whether it be a love of sex, personal insecurites they're working out or "doing it for the boys" a.k.a doing it to affirm their masculinity/buying into the notion that real men are stallions. Not all men I know are like this but certainly a clear majority. I suppose my experience is of twenty-something men...