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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to really want my husband's female BF to stop borrowing him for her 'escort' of an evening.

155 replies

howdidthishappenthen · 25/11/2009 15:48

DH's female best friend from Uni has been staying with us weeknights now for 3 months after relocating back to London with a new job (she's supposed to be looking for a flat of her own but hasn't started yet). We both invited her to stay and generally I get on just fine with her. However, her new job involves lots of corp entertaining events and she's invited my husband along to a few evening drinks with her, mostly car themed stuff as he's a car nut. There's another one tomorrow and I'm invited too, but don't want to go as a: I'm in 3rd trim of DD2 so can't drink and can't stand on my feet making small talk for a couple of hours and b: I find cars unutterably tedious. A teensy niggly part of my wants her to fuck off and stop using my husband as an escort on these 'dos'. Mostly because she's very promiscuous (several new men a month) and slept with all her other male friends from Uni at some point or other (DH is adamant this does not apply in his case) and also because am feeling like I am very socially dull at the mo, (the end of pregnancy is so boring and knackering) but still not at all ready for someone else to step forward into my shoes on the social scene. I know DH would rather be out with me but I just wish there was some bloke for him to go with instead. AIBU to want her to stop inviting him to stuff and bugger off back into her own life?

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 19:14

Like yer new name Fab

BitOfFun · 25/11/2009 19:18

She doesn't pay rent, Fab. It says so earlier, and apparently there was another thread about that a few weeks ago.

FabIsVeryLucky · 25/11/2009 19:23

Thank you J and B.

homicidalmummymaniac · 25/11/2009 19:27

would your husband be so accomodating if you had an old male friend from uni staying and you were out with him all the time to 'events' (not pregnant) while he stayed at home with the children?

Ask her when she's leaving as you'd like to have a nice quiet FAMILY Christmas before baby arrives.

NOT a good situation at all - please make sure your dh knows that you are not happy about it all.

Keep us updated!

anonacfr · 25/11/2009 19:27

OK so she doesn't pay rent.

Does she contribute to the household? Does she buy food, does she cook and clean?
If she's only there on weekdays sounds like she sleeps there and goes home at the weekend then comes back to a clean house the following week.

DOES SHE CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING???? a

groundhogs · 25/11/2009 20:37

I don't necessarily think the DH will be tempted into anything, Op doesn't think so, and she'd know best.

3 months really is way too long, she really needs to get goings sooner rather than later, she needs to be gone in time for Xmas.

Can't you 'invite' some guests from out of town? MNers, for example...

OP, enough is enough, conversation has to be broached this week to have any chance of getting her to stand on her own two feet.

If you say to her that she has to find somewhere to go after Xmas, she will leave it until then, so it could take another month - after Xmas - or so until the place she wants to let is free. She could be there until the end of jan, middle of Feb....

If she looks now, and commits now, it may be that she will only be able to move after xmas anyway.

displayuntilbestbefore · 25/11/2009 20:50

just tell her it's been a long time and she's still not found anywhere to live but she does need to realise you can't extend the accommodation beyond next week. Who cares if she's got somewhere to go or not? She's not going to look for somewhere if she has a cushy little number at your place, with a guy she finds pleasing to be around is she!!!
She obviously has other friends who she socialises with so can now ask them to put her up for a few weeks.
Don't even mention Christmas or you'll get a sob story about how can you chuck me out before Christmas blah blah.
In plain speaking, give her a deadline that she has to be out by, whether she's found somewhere else or not and chuck her out - but get your dh to do it so it shows a united front.

pippa251 · 25/11/2009 21:03

You sound like a great wife but she needs to jogg on- pronto! Tell your DH its stressing you out- this is not a good situation.

MaggieBelle · 25/11/2009 21:18

She's having a laugh. I wouldn't even stay with a good friend or a cousin for more than a week.

She's been with you 3 months and pays no rent, so she's a guest? a continual eternal guest!

Any she's not even your friend. Sorry if that sounds sexist, but in a lot of homes, I'd feel more comfortable about overstaying my welcome if it were the wife I were friendly with. (apologies in advance). Taht's just a gut feeling there.

I'm sensitive to being unwelcome.

She's obviously NOT!!

2rebecca · 25/11/2009 21:22

I don't understand what you are getting out of this arrangement. It seems very one way. I wouldn't want my husband recurrently used as an escort. I wouldn't want another adult staying in our house for long periods.
Not quite sure how you've let this drag on for so long. You're more tolerant than me.
She has a job, she can rent somewhere, and stop pretending she has a boyfriend and go to things on her own like a big girl.

MollieO · 25/11/2009 21:33

I'm not surprised she hasn't started flat hunting. Why should she when she can live rent free with you (does she contribute to household expenses,food shopping?) and date your husband.

If it were me I would wonder what others think about her turning up with your husband at all these does. I would feel humiliated as I can't imagine it paints a very good picture of the state of your marriage.

MollieO · 25/11/2009 21:34

does? I meant do's.

nighbynight · 25/11/2009 21:35

YANBU. as someone else said, a recipe for trouble.

dittany · 25/11/2009 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshsinglemum · 25/11/2009 21:42

YANBU

What the hell is he thinking of? He needs to grow a back bone and tell her to bog off. She sounds like trouble. If I were you I'd tell her straight to piss off.

dollius · 25/11/2009 21:54

I also don't think the possibility of your DH shagging this woman is the issue.

What is the issue is that she is enjoying the sort of intimacy with him that you are being denied.

He accompanies her out to her dos while you sit at home. This is completely wrong.

And the idea that she might be there when your baby is born is completely unacceptable.

I also agreed with whoever said that this woman is not your DH's best friend - that's you!

She needs to go.

SolidGoldBangers · 25/11/2009 22:47

Shagging is incredibly unlikely. People who have known each other for a long time and never had a shag are never going to, because one of them (that's your H by the sound of it) is really, really, not interested in shagging the other one. I reckon he thinks of her more like a brother with tits. SHe's taking him to car launches, not for intimate little dinners.

However, it is time she was moving on, simply because you need the space and the peace and quiet with a baby about to be born.

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 00:31

I understand that there is an element of suspicion going on here, but tbh, I would feel pretty pissed off if it was a male friend too. Pregnancy should be a special time for a couple, and having a houseguest (any houseguest) intrude on that for a lengthy period is just not on. I have had amte of my DP overstay his welcome before, and my own brother, who I love dearly, and both of them heartily pissed me off in the end. You need to discuss this with your DP and politely tell her it's time for her to make other arrangements, so you can get ready for the baby and spend some private time together. I'm sure then that he will be able to go to the odd car do without the attendant tension.

FabIsVeryLucky · 26/11/2009 08:07

Maybe the DH doesn't see a problem because his wife hasn't said there is one..

thesecondcoming · 26/11/2009 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crokky · 26/11/2009 09:16

PMSL at me being utterly unhinged thesecondcoming . I think that probably, it is just that I quite enjoy using bad language - it wasn't a measure of my hatred for a woman I've never met.

Anyway, I am not unhinged (much), I just understand that both men and women have urges to shag and being placed repeatedly in an intimite situation would make them want to do it even more. Add a little drink to the mix...come on...do you not know what happens next?

My own husband is away on business - I trust him to make his own decisions. I am not a man hater, as I said most of my knowledge of the feelings of men comes directly from TMI from my 3 brothers

Bramshott · 26/11/2009 09:28

I think I would be less hacked off that she invites your DH out, more that she is staying in your house for so long with no efforts to house-hunt!

porcamiseria · 26/11/2009 10:35

HOWDID

hello any updates, I for one agree that its silly to suspect that every man is a cheater, but hopefully it can be seen that she is blatantly taking the PISS!!! Please give her marching orders and report back, anyway once a wailing little newbie is in the house she will not want to stay anyway, but I for one dont thionki there is anything fishy going on, just you being maybe too nice and her beeing a cheeky fucking mare

mayorquimby · 26/11/2009 10:51

yanbu about wanting her to get out of your house,can't believe you've put her up for 3 months.
yabu about your husband going to things with her,especially car expos which you say you can't stand.

meltedchocolate · 26/11/2009 11:05

This whole situation is bizarre. DH having a female best friend. I could just about handle that, but there are some things you dont do. A woman who is friendly with my DH, not really me, sleeping in our family home (for a period of time is too ridiculous to think about) AND while I am PREGNANT. THEN taking him out - THEM TOGETHER - while I sit at home PREGNANT with his child alone.....

Think about this situation. This isn't normal. I cant believed you have allowed it but more than that i cant believe SHE is doing it. I would never do that to another woman! For your DH to be SO insensitive?

GET RID! Put your foot down! NOW! It is not your problem that she doesnt have somewhere to go. She has had three months to find somewhere!

I really cant belive she is taking the piss (scuze my french!) this much.

This would NEVER happen in my house!

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