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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really want my husband's female BF to stop borrowing him for her 'escort' of an evening.

155 replies

howdidthishappenthen · 25/11/2009 15:48

DH's female best friend from Uni has been staying with us weeknights now for 3 months after relocating back to London with a new job (she's supposed to be looking for a flat of her own but hasn't started yet). We both invited her to stay and generally I get on just fine with her. However, her new job involves lots of corp entertaining events and she's invited my husband along to a few evening drinks with her, mostly car themed stuff as he's a car nut. There's another one tomorrow and I'm invited too, but don't want to go as a: I'm in 3rd trim of DD2 so can't drink and can't stand on my feet making small talk for a couple of hours and b: I find cars unutterably tedious. A teensy niggly part of my wants her to fuck off and stop using my husband as an escort on these 'dos'. Mostly because she's very promiscuous (several new men a month) and slept with all her other male friends from Uni at some point or other (DH is adamant this does not apply in his case) and also because am feeling like I am very socially dull at the mo, (the end of pregnancy is so boring and knackering) but still not at all ready for someone else to step forward into my shoes on the social scene. I know DH would rather be out with me but I just wish there was some bloke for him to go with instead. AIBU to want her to stop inviting him to stuff and bugger off back into her own life?

OP posts:

epithet · 26/11/2009 11:15

I really don't think the houseguest is 'after' the OP's dh - and I think this assumption from some posters that the OP's dh is bound to throw away his pregnant wife and home for the promise of a cheap shag with a woman he knows to be promiscuous is a bit bizarre. Why would he? (Please don't say 'because he's a man' .)

I think the houseguest is after a free billet with company thrown in and no more than that.

But three months is too long, and three months RENT FREE is definitely too long, and three months RENT FREE while the OP is in the third trimester of pregnancy, and making no effort to find alternative accommodation, is downright out of order. She might not be a marriage wrecker, but she IS a freeloader and needs to stop sponging off you.

(Disclaimer: I lived with newlywed friends, as a paying lodger, at their request, because they needed the money. I never went out alone with the man, I made sure to give them plenty of space, and I was long gone before they started ttc.)

meltedchocolate · 26/11/2009 11:20

I dont think he will epithet and i dont think she is necessariy after him. TBH i think that is neither here nor there. For me though, there are some things you don't do as a married couple and this is one of them.

meltedchocolate · 26/11/2009 11:21

and your situation is totally different to this and i wouldnt see it as a problem..

meltedchocolate · 26/11/2009 11:21

**was totally different

ZZZenAgain · 26/11/2009 11:27

As soon as this situation had begun to bother me (which frankly would have been right at the onset), I would have openly told her so, not nastily but very directly - and I would not pussy foot about in the least. If I don't want someone living in my home who is not actually a relative of dh or me, they would not be living there. I think you are far too nice for your own good. You have generously opened your home to someone you are not happy about and since you are not happy with the situation, I think it needs to cease immediately - not some time or other, like after you return from hospital with the baby.

I don't think you sound like the same kind of approach I would have would suit you , so I don't want to tell you to do this or that but I think that 3 months is plenty of time to find a place to stay if you are not too picky. It's quite comfortable to freeload off other people in a clean and tidy home which provides you with a pleasant escort when required, someone who in fact you have obviuosly fancied in the past on top of it.

epithet · 26/11/2009 11:29

Yes, agree, meltedchocolate - a paying lodger is a different proposition (and my parents had one for a time as well - was never a problem). I think I was a little rattled to think that people might have presumed that my mates and I were involved in some kind of menage!

I know I would have HATED to be in the OP's situation, though - three weeks I might just about manage, but three MONTHS - no way!

PippiHasALifeOfRiley · 26/11/2009 11:30

I would not be upset at him having a woman as BF but I would be MIGHTY fuming at 1) anybody over 15y.o with a job and means to pay for accomodation camping in my house for more than a couple of night
2) anybody repeatedly inviting dh out when I am heavily pg - so not luckily to enjoy it even if attending, like you say. When I am pg I am so incapable of 'normal' socializing. I am too wrapped up in my own ailments, baby worries, fatness, rows with dh etc.

For these reason you should quickly point out to her or dh that she's got to go.

Hullygully · 26/11/2009 11:38

I don't know why everyone thinks it's so terrible. It's just a friend and sometimes your dh gets to go to car things that he likes. So what? We don't all have to live in funny little nuclear family arrangements all the time. Just tell her that obviously she'll have to be gone by the time baby turns up (because they scream a lot).

But then we did have a terribly promiscuous drug taking (but very lovely) gay man stay for....18 months.

ZZZenAgain · 26/11/2009 11:45

I suppose we think it is so terrible because she is not happy about it. If you were happy with the guest you had, it's a different kettle of fish altogether really, isn't it?

solongpumpkin · 26/11/2009 11:46

Its a generous gesture to allow a friend to stay for a couple of weeks to 'find their feet' and some accommodation. Completely different for them to settle in for the long haul and use your dh as substitute boyfriend. She sounds very immature and a bit competitive - particularly if your dh has knocked her back in the past. You need her long gone by xmas, and it should be your dh that tells her you want a quiet xmas as a family before the baby is born. That sends a pretty clear message.

Also, shout 'Cuckoo!' in her face, very loudly, every time you pass her on the stairs.

ZZZenAgain · 26/11/2009 11:46

sorry that sounds stroppier than I intended. If you are happy with a guest in your home for any length of time, that's one thing. If you are unhappy, why should it go on and on?

madamearcati · 26/11/2009 11:49

Op they are making a fool of you.I find it very very hard to believe your Dh hasn't shagged her when at Uni.
Unattached men at that age usually don't urn down anything young uin a skirt
Please get rid.If she is not shagging your DH now its onlyu a matter of time.

BarackObamasTransitVan · 26/11/2009 11:51

What epithet said. And Hully, I had one of those stay with me, too. And it was fab. He kept his drug taking promiscuity away from my place so there was no issue with that, he kept me company in the daytimes, played with ds and paid rent. Bloody marvellous. I miss him

Hullygully · 26/11/2009 11:53

Barack - and the stories...

But we didn't get any rent or day time company, more red-eyed three in the morning.. He was not a fantastic guest. That was the point (Zen).

ZZZenAgain · 26/11/2009 11:57

no I got your point but you were happy with him there and OPisn't happy about her situation. That's my point.

Hullygully · 26/11/2009 12:00

Zen - no I wasn't no I wasn't no I wasn't. The point was that having put up with it for reasons that need not concern us here, means that I find having someone to stay for 3 months who occasionally takes your dh to a few car things isn't that big a deal. Clearly you don't agree. That's fine. Let us move on before we all lose the will to live.

ZZZenAgain · 26/11/2009 12:17

ooooooooooooohk

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 12:25

Blimey, it doesn't take much on here, does it?

tiredfeet · 26/11/2009 12:49

I think its a bit of a stretch to think they are definitely going to be shagging behind OPs back or even thinking about it. It is possible to have purely platonic friendships with the opposite sex. and the fact she might want to doesn't necessarily mean OPs DH does. I have a male best friend and whilst he has admitted to fancying me in the past, I never felt the same way, and certainly nothing would happen now (thought makes me feel a bit sick, would be like shagging my brother!). I have however, out of respect for DH, always invovled DH in everything we do, I certainly wouldn't disrespect DH by effectively going on 'dates' with my best friend

but I cannot believe anyone would stay 3 months with a family, and not even offer to pay rent. Indeed, I think it is only polite someone (other than family) staying for any length of time to insist on paying rent.

and I do think it is a bit disrespectful to the OP for this woman and OP's DH to be regularly going out as a pair. and inviting the OP seems a bit of an empty gesture, given that OP is heavily pregnant

YANBU to put your foot down now!

PippiHasALifeOfRiley · 26/11/2009 13:05

madamearcati I am at the amount of trust you place on the male population. And no not everybody shags everything whilst at uni. Have so many mae firends which I have known at uni and in no way I have shagged them or even thought of that and neither have they.
OP does nkt seem too bothered about that aspect, more about being left alone at home because pg while dh enjoys a night out - male or female does not make much difference in my book.

Bramshott · 26/11/2009 13:06

"If she is not shagging your DH now its only a matter of time."

Really? Honestly, do some people believe that?!?! Ye Gods!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/11/2009 13:19

I'm at the 'if he can't resist cigarettees he will not be able to resist this women' line.

I've never been a smoker myself but I think it's deeply unpleasnat to suggest that people who can't give up smoking are more likely to be unfaithful.

I think with most similiar aged reasonable attrcative poeple who get on well, and who spend alot of time together hvaing fun, there is going to be the potential for sexual frisson possibly leading to more.

Of course this isn't ineveitable, many of us do have friends of the opposite sex who are attractive and we mange not to shag them, but you are incrasing the odds in the above scenario.

But, there is a contsant risk in all relationships that someone could cheat, you have to lve with that risk and trust the other person, instead of running around wildly limiting the situations for this potential.

Going to work is probably the biggest risk factor in this.

I did ask my Dh to give up his job and stay home to be sure he wouldn't be tempted by 'tasty litle sluts' at work, but he thought this was unreasonale and on balance we should take the risk.

crokky · 26/11/2009 13:47

BaronessBarbaraKingstandi...

You have extrapolated what I said. I did not say that people who can't give up smoking are more likely to be unfaithful.

What I actaully said was "If DH can't resist cigarettes, I have doubts as to whether he can resist this woman"

My statement applied to this man in the scenerio that the OP described. It didn't apply to all smokers. I don't stereotype people - I was making a suggestion about this particular man.

Rindercella · 26/11/2009 13:52

BaronessB - your sarcasm was obvious, I promise you

Rindercella · 26/11/2009 13:54

And Crokky, the smoking comparison is just ridiculous, even after you have attempted to qualify it.

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