DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

but men need visual stimulus (according to DH and all his mates, which they've all talked openly about the porn they watch as they've grown up over the years). why should they not be allowed to look at videos, or mags if it helps them enjoy the experience. women should stop being so horrified it's a natural act and we've all done it (masturbation) and if you say you haven't you're telling big porkies.

it seems there's one rule for women and another for men entirely if you happen to be married or co-habiting. I'm sure it's ok for single men to masturbate though is it??

I'd personally be concerned if DH didn't have the urge to masturbate. It's got a few purposes anyway - it improves mood and also helps clean out his tubes (can help prevent against prostate cancer).

sorry to hear of your experience smallwhitecat. I've actually had the opposite experience to you. Of the few men I've been with they've all used porn in some way or another during masturbation and all have been very good in bed because they know what they like and are confident with the job in hand and sex has been amazing!

"job in hand"

I still can't believe people are coming on here and wondering why porn isn't acceptable!

It amazes me that the line it is all harmless fun is still being peddled and what is more believed by sentient women. I will never get my head round that.

I worked with sex offenders for a few years - tell you what, you'd change your view on porn if you saw first hand the damaging attitudes and behaviours it perpetuates.

It's not important what other people think of porn in relation to the OP's situation, she is upset and that's all that matters, along with how she and her partner deal with things.

I think that porn can be benign when it's used by couples with emotional maturity who are open with the fact that it's used to enhance their sexual experience, alone or together.
Porn use is not a part of my marriage but if people tell me that they enjoy it and it has a positive impact on their sex life then who am I to argue? Some people genuinely don't care about the ethics of the subject, in the same way they don't care how food or clothing is produced ( maybe they should but that's a different matter ).
The bottom line is , her husband should take her concerns seriously and put them above his like of porn - if he can't do that and thinks she's being stupid, it's pretty selfish behaviour.

I have to say, if I ever thought my husband was looking at 18 year olds I would be horrified, I hate the thought of men with daughters looking at women young enough to be their daughter, I find it absolutely sickening in fact.

It's a shame there are no men on here who can explain precisely what it is that they get from porn, that they can't get from their imagination. I genuinely don't understand why they need something to look at in order to masturbate?

I do honestly wish that something could be done about the proliferation of internet porn though, teenage boys are always going to seek it out and will get an extremely warped view of what love and sex are about.

There's no doubt that porn use ( and the secrecy that can surround it) is severely damaging some relationships.

I think that men should certainly be a lot more thoughtful about porn, perhaps if they considered how they would feel if men were viewing theirdaughter in that way, it wouldn't be such an attractive prospect?

Malificence - well I will have a go at answering your questions.

I think it is very simple really why men look at pictures of naked or partially clothed women.

Men are visual. If a man is looking at a real life woman's body he more likely to get aroused than by just looking at a picture of the same woman. In turn he is far more likely to be aroused by looking at a picture of a womans body than reading a desription of it or just imagining it. Pornographic images just produce a more intense response than imagination.

I think a lot of the revulsion women feel about men looking at a still or moving pictures of naked or semi naked porngraphic images of women is that it is photographic image of a real woman. If a man was just looking at paintings or drawing of naked women the revulsion would be less. If he was reading erotic literature (which I not a lot of women like) I suspect there would be even less revulsion among women.

I suspect the revulsion is also partly context. A man looking at women dressed in lingerie/swimwear in a mens magazine is more likely to cause revulsion than looking at the Victoria Secrets or even Littlewoods catalogue.

Men also disconnect pornographic images from real life women they know and do not compare the women in the pictures with their RL woman. I suspect most men would however get very upset if their DW/DP/GF or daughter announced they were planning to appear in a pornographic magazine or film.

I agree its a real shame men will not talk about this issue.

'I have to say, if I ever thought my husband was looking at 18 year olds I would be horrified, I hate the thought of men with daughters looking at women young enough to be their daughter, I find it absolutely sickening in fact.'

I hate the whole hypocrisy of it. There was a long thread where people were upset at the thought of 15yr olds having compulsory sex education in schools, and yet less than 2 yrs later they are free to act in porn films! Or, what they mean is their DC would never do that- but it is perfectly OK for other people's DCs!! I appreciate that it is different people replying, but I would bet all these people who think it is OK to get sexual gratification from young, nubile bodies would be horrified if it was their DC -but they wouldn't mind in the least if it was my DC! All our DCs are precious-we shouldn't have this double standard where some are more precious than others.

Thanks ABD.

I'm REALLY glad my husband has no real interest in porn.

I agree Piscesmoon.

I remember a thread on another forum where women were saying they had no problem with their men having private dances in strip clubs, I asked them how they would feel if it was their daughter up there gyrating in a man's face and they were horrified, they called me disgusting for suggesting it!

Talk about not seeing the big picture.

It just makes me so cross that it is OK for other people's children, mainly those who have had a disadvantaged start in the first place, but it isn't alright for the DC (who through pure luck of birth)has had loving parents who wanted the best for them.
People protect their DCs and won't let them do all sort of things and yet are quick to say that an 18yr old is an adult and it is their choice to be a porn star!
It is double standards and stinks IMO. Those who have had a poor start in life need our help-not exploiting!

dittany - getting back to your point about ethical/feminist porn not being relevant to hetero women. I'm a hetero woman and I'm only interested in the women in porn, I barely notice the men. I think woman like looking at women having good sex in porn because it's the woman you identify with, rather than drooling over the man. Maybe that's the difference between how men and women enjoy porn.

Getting back to the OP, I know you are upset, but you sound like you are writing in 1909, not 2009. "DH has besmirched the purity of our married life and my innocent children with his filthy urges". Give the guy a break.

TBH your posting sounds as if you only valued him as a sperm donor for kids and that, job done, you expected him to stop being a sexual being. If you really object that strongly to him using porn, then I hope you are allowing him other forms of sexual expression.

Dittany: I think the 'ethical/feminist porn bit of the discussion happened after the OP vanished and the discussion broadened out rather than being a deliberate attempt by the Evil Supporters of Porn to derail the thread.

'"DH has besmirched the purity of our married life and my innocent children with his filthy urges"'

Nutshell!
(Is it any wonder he's hosting a pocket billards championship downstairs?)

Dittany: I don't disagree with you that bad stuff goes on within the porn industry, however I think the answer is more porn made to high ethical standards, and better safeguarding of the wellbeing of workers in the industry. And there has always been some form of visual erotic entertainment material available, right from the days of cave paintings: people like sexuall-explicit entertainment in the way they like entertainment. The misogyny in some porn doesn't come from people liking sexually explicit entertainment, porn reflects back the problems of society rather than creating them; mainstream entertainment has been getting steadily more misogynist as well.

"What did men do before pornogrpahy was invented then? Do people think masturbation didn't exist? It's only become a significant mass medium in the past twenty years or so, and there are still millions upon millions of men in the world who have no access to porn"

Ummm pornography has been around a very long time - think of the Romans! - and can be found all over the globe. That speaks volumes surely about the natural appetites of men?

I agree the internet has exploded it and made it accessible to millions of people - which needs to be sensibly controlled as far as young underage men go - only recently. But there have been porn films and magazines in wide circulation since 1900.

I do think its natural - OK pedants maybe not a natural part of YOUR PERSONAL relationship - but its a natural urge for men to look at nubile young things, they are biologically programmed to in fact.

So face up to the fact that its upsetting for YOU that he is looking at porn, and ultimately that is YOUR problem, you feel these emotions and are allowing them to affect you. You have told him how you feel but frankly in my opinion you are being unreasonable to try to control someone's sexual psyche. Its not your business - and its not his to pry and censor what you feel/look at/think about when you masturbate.

Leave the man alone - and really, I feel that those of you who say "porn just doesn't interest MY DH" are being, not naive, but maybe a little short sighted about their men folk. It would perhaps be more accurate to say "My DH has told me porn doesn't interest him".

Far less didactic.

Oh and I totally agree Solid Gold.