DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

My whole point is that it isn't black or white. Some is fine, some is criminal but the place that the line is drawn is a very similar shade of grey.
I treat others as I would like to be treated. I haven't nurtured my DSs all these years for them to end up being exploited for their bodies. I would feel I had failed as a parent if they thought a porn star was a good career. If it isn't alright for my DSs I don't see why it is alright for the poor DS who had an alcoholic mother, with abusive partners, and no one to care whether they did their homework or even had a proper balanced meal at the end of the day!

hear hear spicemonster! women do produce porn too!

The thing is lovechoc - I'm not saying it's black and white, that's my point. I have no doubt there are some happy people involved in the porn industry who like their job and aren't exploited in their view. However there is a whole industry that peddles objectionable and dangerous images of women (and men) and whole branches of seriously sick pornography. Added to this the misery of the women and children who ARE exploited, the criminal underworld that peddles hardcore pornography and the women bought and sold to make it in some countries.

I agree it's not simple but it's just not the happy harmless picture people like to make out.

I don't see that it matters if a man or a woman produces it!

No I don't think that dittany. But I don't think that it's black and white. I'm a feminist. I was anti-porn for years. But I've come round to it as I've got older. Not the exploitative stuff (and believe me you can tell when the woman is faking it or off her tits) - I hate it. But I think there is a place for good porn, made by men and women who get off on the idea of other people watching them having sex.

Women can be in control you know - ever heard of Belle du Jour?

thankfully someone on here is being open-minded about porn - spicemonster.

I agree there are parts of the industry where there is exploitation but isn't that the same for anything? surely you have prostitutes who sell themselves because they genuinely want to, and those who are forced into it (sadly)?

It is true, you can tell the ones that love their job. Haven't seen anything where it looks 'fake'.

I will admit to not knowing all the facts on Taylor Rain, it was a while ago and hadn't realised they'd went their seperate ways. I suppose something better came along (no pun intended).

Some men really enjoy oral sex, what of it?? You must remember he was saying this for publicity. If it's getting him attention, it's getting more publicity for his films. Hence the stupidity of his comment about Rain.

I don't know the names of any mainstream porn directors dittany because I don't like it. And I agree that a lot of it vile. But some of it isn't. And you're totally avoiding the point I made about lesbian porn. Not all women who make or enjoy porn have been abused.

Not entirely sure when I changed my mind. Possibly when amateur porn took off online. Or when it became something I could share with my partner.

Yes of course I've read Dworkin!

I do lean towards being anti porn due to the inherent mysogyny, however, there is "ethical" porn out there , for want of a better word.
I agree that most "lesbian" porn is actually thinly disguised male wank fodder btw.

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned Petra Joy - www.petrajoy.com/vision.asp - the porn she makes features real sex with real feelings, mainly featuring actual couples.

I don't see much difference between that and educational stuff such as Lover's guide.

As for the OP, I find her partner's statement of not being able to help himself a worry, this a 47 year old man for christ's sake - that is ridiculous.

I doubt he would be the first person to propose during sex. Nor do I think that's a bad thing in itself. And while the language is flippant, it isn't at all insulting to Taylor Rain - he's saying he likes sex with her, that he asked her to marry him and she said yes.

And I wouldn't mind if my DS wants to be a porn performer when he's an adult as long as he sticks to independent, ethical producers and only does what he's happy to do. There is nothing inherently wrong with either watching depictions of sexual activity, or performing sexual acts for other people to watch if you're happy to do so. And the more people make porn with willing, well-treated performers and talk about doing so, the better.

I actually find amateur porn a bit of a worry - there is no way of knowing if both partners have consented to their sex video being put online for one thing, the validity of the video actually being "amateur" is also questionable.

These things should be taken into consideration, you could be watching an actual rape or an act of abuse for all you know.

malificence - that isn't the kind of porn I watch.

Yes, Petra Joy's work is an excellent example of ethical porn.
BTW, how do all the anti-porn posters feel about erotic fiction? If everything about the OP was the same except that the hubby was knocking one out over a spot of Alex Jourdaine, Aishling Morgan or the latest Xcite collection?

Absolutley, i think betrayed is the key word here. What we are all looking for in loving relationships is complete trust and honesty, particularly sexual.
I totally understand why you are feeling sick, but know it will pass, when you are ready x

I have no problem with erotic fiction, my only problem is finding material for my specific likes, my husband reads some of my books occasionally but not as a masturbatory aid, he's actually rather amused at the very explicit sex scenes in them, he's happy that they turn me on but that's as far as his interest goes, if he wanted to masturbate whilst reading one then fine, as long as he didn't get the pages all sticky.

He will no doubt roll his eyes when my Petra Joy "feeling it" dvd arrives, just as he did when I bought the full Lovers guide box set, he gets bored after about 5 minutes - he always says why bother watching it when you can be doing it?

Thankfully we live in a free society where adults can still (just) engage sexually although this Government is doing its best to rubber stamp us all so we are identikit clones with identical views and control what we watch and how we think. I hope all mumsnetters will lobby to ensure we can continue to enjoy the freedoms such as they are to enjoy the porn women and men like and is still lawful as a matter of personal freedom even if it's a brand or type you don't like.

Anyway clearyl people have very different views on the subject. I don't think the women who like porn and erotica many of whom are mothers get enough press.

Amen Xenia.

Dittany, have you looked at the Petra Joy link and read what her ethos is about erotic film making?
She makes it for women from the POV of womens' pleasure. It's not comparable to the "prostituted" type of porn in any way, the people involved are having real, enjoyable, satisfying sex while being filmed - there is a world of difference.

I know this has moved on but did anyone else notice the man in the op was watching adult tv porn? now I've not watched it for quite a long time, but isn't that stuff really tame?

So talking about the extreme porn and behaviour described by dittany (who seems to know a lot of explicit details for someone so rigidly anti )seems not to be relevant here?

The man wanked to adult tv, not the crime of the century