DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

I wouldnt like my dp watching porn but they all do it... he probably does..... perhaps i just dont want to know. however someone close to me has faced the issue of an addiction to porn and it has ruined every relationship they have had. If watching together now and then and both are enjoying it fair enough but if its every day and all the time you are close then i would worry!!!!

Oh some of it is vile though... really misogynistic. Didn't you post a link to an essay on it a while back dittany? I don't really know what to suggest. It's not worth splitting up over but it would bother me I think...

however - this isn't an argument about the rights or wrong of porn - it's about the issues it's causing in the OP's relationship.

That's a very black and white view dittany.

10 or 20 years ago it didn't bother me - with ex bfs - still doesn't

dh doesn't look at porn

we have tried but found it boring

i would suggest counselling for OP to talk about their relationship and trust as much as about porn but really don't think this is something that should break up a family if both sides are willing to talk and gain an understanding and compromise

saying that you don't like something and that he has to come totally into line on this without further discussion is a bit controlling imo

It's not prostitution! The men and women who choose to do porn are both paid for it. It's not selling women, it's selling both sexes for sexual pleasure.

There Are Men In Porn.

I think if the two of you are going to get past this you will need marriage counselling. You might forgive this time again, I'm sure his apologies and regret are real, but your marriage clearly has some issues because a) he feels the need to do this when you've gone to bed rather than initiate sex with you and b) you clearly find it unacceptable and he knows this. It sounds like you need to communicate your needs and feelings to each other much more honestly and I think counselling will be the best way of doing this.

I'm sure this isn't a reflection on how sexy he thinks you are. It's got more to do with how comfortable and close you both feel in your sex life.

By the way, I feel just as sorry for him as I do for you. Sounds like a lonely marriage.

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. Internet porn can cause real problems. Some men end up unable to have sex without first watching the porn or playing the porn whilst sex is happening. Doesn't sound like your DH has got to that point, but if he says he can't stop then perhaps you should buy software that monitors all the sites you go on. That may nip the internet bit.

A lot of men watch some porn. Still if he knows it offends you it would be selfish of him to continue to do it.

I'd put my foot down very firmly.

Not going to get into a discussion about whether porn is degrading as it will not help the OP

I do see where you are coming from. I felt upset the first time I realised that DH had looked at porn but it was from reading posts like yours on MN that I realised that many men (and women) do it.

It is normally not used as an alternative to sex, or should not be in a healthy relationship.

Your DH is surely aware that your view is somewhat unusual so I can understand him feeling that it is unreasonable for you to stop him watching porn.

Can you talk to him? Ask him why he does it? If he feels attracted to you? What he feels is the difference between the arousal he feels with you and with porn?

I'm sorry, but I would find it very controlling if my DP decided what I could and could not watch without any compromise.

The OP's DH shouldn't have lied to her - but he shouldn't have agreed to something he found unreasonable in the first place.

What's your sex life like if you don't mind me asking? I don't have an issue with porn if it is in addition to, rather than instead of, sex with your partner.

dittany - there are women who own porn companies. There are women who put films of themselves online who do it for the thrill and no cash at all. There is some vile porn out there for sure but it's not all like that.

dittany - the OP didn't actually ask for debate on the rights and wrongs of porn. But it should be pointed out that if the woman in porn are prostitues - so are the men.

Me personally, well I discovered porn a few years back and enjoy watching it, and DH and I now occasionally watch some together.

All porn performers are prostitutes then dittany, male and female. There's a huge range of porn from exploitative to feminist. I'd recommend Violet Blue for info on finding good porn www.tinynibbles.com/

Dittany, like spicemonster said - women are making millions in the porn industry, as are men. To suggest they are being degraded is not only naive, but offensive.

But I agree, this isn't the place for this discussion, it's not going to help the OP.

actually dittany if you take of your misandristic hat for a moment you'll see that almost everyone who has said they have no problem with porn have said that there obviously is an issue here that needs sorting out.

She can ask but is it realistic? I've met very, very few men who haven't looked at internet porn now it's easily and freely available.

I think you'll find ALL words were made up once upon a time.

dittany - that's a personal, moral opinion. If her DH doesn't share those views then whose feelings should triumph? There has to be compromise in relationships.

Certainly, if the porn is replacing normal sexual relations or becoming a point of conflict then there are issues to be resolved.

and I didn't actually say that objection to porn was man hating - I said that you were a misandrist. There are plenty of women who object to porn who don't view men as the root of all evil.