DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

I will say it for the last time dittany - not all porn is like that.

And now I'm going to

ladies, the Op is long gone

"Also lots of women have reported negative affects from porn in their relationships e.g. lack of connection, being asked to act out porn, no sex at all because the addiction takes over."

And lots have reported no effects, or even positive effects. That's a big generalisation. These things are possible yes, but not in every relationship.

Also one of my DP's partners has done porn, she seems happy enough with it. It's just a job to her, no exploitation. Again, that's not necessarily all across the board. But very few things are.

Alcoholism is a little different.

In my mind, watching porn sometimes = drinking sometimes. Being addicted to porn = alcoholic.

If the OP had said that her partner was addicted to porn, then obviously coming on here and saying, "my husband watches porn, don't worry" would obviously be totally out of order.

Nobody is denying that porn can have negative effects, but I think what people are trying to do is reassure the OP that it isn't the end of the world and that it may not be neccessary to end their relationship.

I shall just add my four Eggs into the pot.

I don't like Porn, i was brought up to belive that sex is an act of love between 2 people who are in love, i dont belive in fucking just becuase....
Please dont think that means i am a prude becuase im not dp and i have a very varied and good sex life.

I would end our relationship if i found him viewing porn, he can wank without looking at other people having sex, he would proably do the same if he found me viewing it.

The secrecy would also piss me off, we have both expressed ourselves at the begining of the realtionship that we didnt like porn and would be upset if the other person viewed it in sectret so if dp then did view it behind my back i would be livid.

Its the same for strip clubs, but that works for us and we have had 7 happy years together with no problem, sure we have fantisies but we share tham and indule together.

I am of the personal view that Porn should be ahrder to get hold of and should be in sex shops not the local news agents, that goes for things like nuts and zoo to.

OP (if your reading) i would have a chat with your dp, if you want to seek councelling then do if you want to make another go of it, i would be angry and worried about the secrecy and the fact he says he cant help himself) I hope things are looking brighter today.

Elf i hope your ok, start a thread and lots of people will be there to support you. x

I said she should look at what turns her on and talk to her husband about it and improve their sex life. I am pretty sure most men if they get back the wife they married and she wants to try all kinds of deep fantasies in real life would much rather be in bed doing all that than downstairs watching a computer screen.

I strongly beleive that the OP and her husband have issues that are far deeper than him viewing porn.

In my experience, most men, certainly ALL of the ones I have been in a relationship with look at porn. What my husband chooses to do when he wanks is totally up to him. I can not control that simply because I am his wife. I enjoy reading erotic fiction, it's teh same thing just words instead of pictures. I would hate it if my dh told me to stop reading it because it upset him.

It really really does not have to break up your marriage.

Read Pornography by Andrea Dworkin. That might focus a few minds.

Naive IMO to think porn is benign. Yes maybe a few soft core videos don't seem problematic but it is the whole industry and the ethos behind that damages. Where do you draw the line all you porn lovers? Do you stop at bestiality, rape, images of women being tortured. It's all a continuim and unfortunately regular users of pornography can get jaded by the content of the 'soft stuff' and soon move on to more disturbing images.

Pornography may be more mainstream in general but there is still an underworld core of gang related corruption, people trafficking and violence supporting it.

'OP (if your reading) i would have a chat with your dp, if you want to seek councelling then do if you want to make another go of it, i would be angry and worried about the secrecy and the fact he says he cant help himself)'

I would agree and get some outside help. I dare say that it is OK if you both feel the same way about porn. I like some subtlety
and having things left to the imagination, so it is a boring turn off for me. I dare say that I am getting old but I couldn't stand the thought that my precious DCs should be exploited for other people's titillation so I think that it would be hypocritical in the extreme to think it is OK for other people's children and that they aren't as precious as mine! I wouldn't be happy if DH wanted to exploit others-especially in secret.
(You can't possibly know which actors in porn movies have made a positive life choice and which ones have terrible home backgrounds, are drug addicts and are open to exploitation).

watch some porn with him, you might actually enjoy it! some people have never lived...

YABU - would you prefer he went out and paid for it.

I take it then lovechoc that you would be quite happy for your DCs to star in porn movies when they are adults? If not why is it OK for other peoples but not yours?

piscesmoon people that star in porn go into it because they want to. they are all over 18 years of age, and they make that choice.

I'm not into the Golden Shower kind of stuff, just regular porn, haven't watched any in a few years, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's harmless and I'm sure others on this thread have said a similar thing too. It's ashame so many people are narrow-minded.

There is plenty of porn that doesn't involve slapping, choking, abusive name-calling etc. And plenty of people who enjoy watching sexually explicit material who dislike the stuff that is being made by woman-hating arseholes like Max Hardcore and Rob Black. Porn is not all the same.

And even if the OP does object to porn altogether, it is still not reasonable of her to forbid her partner to look at it. SHe is not his owner. She can ask him to keep it to himself, that's all.

I wouldnt worry about it - watching porn is natural for many man and women. they think nothing more of it that than. If it was stopping him from living his life then it would be an issue. The real issue is how you feel about porn.

They all have a choice do they lovechoc? I don't think so. That is so naive. Tons of stuff is made using women from Eastern Europe that are basically slaves.

BTW not everyone IS 18 either.

My problem is that there is no clear line between the so called 'soft stuff' where maybe the 'stars' did enter into the world of porn by their own choice and the continuim that runs right through all of the various depravaties that exist in the world. Making women eat adult shit for example springs to mind. Yes that's really harmless and life enriching. I bet the 'stars' of that branch of porn are enjoying their lifestyle choice.

I know I'm just on old stick in the mud because I don't get off on it all.........

Neither do I fifitot-it I find it boring.

At some point you draw the line at what is acceptable and what isn't. It is easy on both extremes, but very difficult to know where to draw the line. I find it a bit shocking that people bring up their DCs with unconditional love and all the advantages in life that they can bestow, but they are happy to watch someone else who possibly has had the worst of starts, without anyone who loves them or cares and they are somehow a lesser person and it is OK for them to go into the sort of career that you would hate for your DS or DD, and it is all passed over as 'they are over 18, it is their choice'. Lots of them have no choice. When you watch a porn film you have absolutely no way of knowing the background of those 'acting' in it.

Until you would be happy to phone up friends and say 'guess what? Arabella (or Sebastian)has got the starring part in in a porn film it is called xxxx and you must go and see it-we are all thrilled!' -I don't think it fair that you couldn't care less because your DC matters and the porn star is a second class citizen.

well if it makes you feel any better DH enjoys watching girl-on-girl action. abusive is it?? think not. no men involved in this type of role - lesbian action only or girls using implements by themselves (you catch the drift)

porn is NOT just about man and woman DTD, or being abusive. Sorry it's not as black and white as that.

Taylor Rain does that ring any bells with you? Famous in one particular movie, and married her director. They are still happily married many years on. It's not all doom and gloom as you are all trying to make it (porn haters!).

Err dittany there is actually quite a lot of lesbian porn that is made by women for women.

If you're going to argue your position so forcefully, as least arm yourself with all the facts