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DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

264 replies

nickneat · 21/11/2009 23:01

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

OP posts:
dittany · 27/11/2009 18:08

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SolidGoldBangers · 27/11/2009 18:29

Look, in any other industry where some people are being exploited, hurt and abused, people make efforts to support only those companies within the industry who are improving their ethical track record: people aware of the slave labour involved in clothing manufacture, etc can seek out fair trade and ethically produced clothing. When it comes to the porn industry, the valid arguments against abuse of individuals almost always seem to get hidden among a lot of stuff about which kinds of sexual activities are allowed and which activities, despite the fact that they are often enjoyed by consenting adults (leaving out abuse of children/animals), are regarded by some people as unacceptable - anal sex, bukkake, group sex, exhibitionism. Some women genuinely like these things.
As someone who has reviewed a lot of porn DVDs in the last few years, I have not seen that much choking or anal gangbanging (and if I have seen any, I have slated it thoroughly). Also, among the porn viewers I know, most of them don't like the heavy gonzo stuff and prefer films (outside of specific BDSM) where, and I quote 'they all look like they're having fun'.

dittany · 27/11/2009 18:38

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SolidGoldBangers · 27/11/2009 19:15

I don;t think people on either side of the porn debate are capable of being objective about it, Dittany.
But then, people on either side of any polarized debate are not really capable of being objective.
This could be because 'objective' WRT a viewpoint often means 'the veiwpoint of the straight white male' so I am not sure there is really any such thing.

dittany · 27/11/2009 19:23

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CarryOnDancing · 27/11/2009 19:36

SGB "despite the fact that they are often enjoyed by consenting adults (leaving out abuse of children/animals), are regarded by some people as unacceptable - anal sex, bukkake, group sex, exhibitionism. Some women genuinely like these things."

Ok so women may genuinely enjoy this things-but surely in there own private time? Add a camera man and director and a storyline that they must follow and it hardly sreams fun to me.

Do you watch Titanic and think Kate Winslet is genuinely madly in love with DiCaprio? Acting is as much a part of porn as the sex. Who wants to watch two people go at it and look bored and indifferent?!

View all the links and read the available material, don't pick your side of the 'polarized debate' without actually knowing what the other side is.

dittany · 27/11/2009 19:39

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piscesmoon · 27/11/2009 19:49

'A bit of porn never hurt anyone -

I take it that you are quite happy for your DCs to act in them, when 18yrs then Emmalina? Or are we back to the double standards where it isn't suitable for your DCs but anyone else's DC is an adult and if they choose to do it it is up to them?

I hate the double standard. It really means that you can have 2 DD's -both born on the same day and both blessed with good looks and intelligence.
It is purely luck of birth, but DD A is born into a stable, well off family and has the best of everything when young, all food is organic (mother shudders at McDonalds), the house is full of books, DD is used to conversation and has pencils, paper etc and an embarrassingly large amount of toys at Christmas and birthdays.
DD B is born to a drug addict mother with no fixed partner, her main concern is actually getting enough food and much of it is takeaway. She doesn't get much mental stimulation at home and the only presents will be charity ones.
DD A has the best education money can buy, her parents are very ambitious for her. She has skiing holidays, plays the violin, joins clubs for her many interests etc.
DD B goes to the local 'sink' school, the teachers don't realise that she is intelligent because she is absent a lot, sullen and monosyllabic. She has had one day trip to the seaside and doesn't get to join any clubs etc.
DD A gets A* at GCSE level, and is predicted top grades at A'level.
DD B had patchy school attendance, didn't complete coursework and decided it was cool to be in with the disruptive crowd. She fails most of her exams.
DD A gets a car at 17 yrs. She has a wide circle of friends and goes out a lot but all to approved places.
DD B leaves school and gets a series of dead end jobs. She is raped by one her her mother's 'dodgy' friends.She takes to hanging around the streets because she doesn't like being in at night.A friend of her mothers notices that she is very attractive with a good figure and suggests 'modelling' work. DD B soon finds out what it involves but the pay is good and it might be a way out and up from her home background.
DD A goes to Oxford. When she is away her parents decide to spice up their sex life with porn films. They watch DD B. It doesn't even occur to them that DD B looks very like their DD, they don't know, or care, that if DD B had actually been their DD, and a biological twin, she would have been at Oxford (she has the brains). They justify it by saying DD B is an adult, she chose the work and she gets paid. Everyone is consenting adults and no one is hurt by it.

Mention to them that if this is the case then their DD could earn a bit of pocket money by doing it and they would be horrified and enraged -'How dare anyone suggest that their precious, lovely, brainy DD should work in the sex industry'!! However they are quite prepared to watch other people's DDs (or DSs), because either they chose or they are trash anyway!! If they happen to come from Eastern Europe or other 'foreigners' then they don't count at all!

If people see a curly haired little churub toddler getting ill treated at home they want something 'done' to rescue the poor DC. However once they grow up they are prepared to watch, the now adult, cherub being abused
and conveniently tell themselves it isn't abuse and the porn actor enjoys being a slab of meat!

I know I have done extremes, but I do think that people who think that porn does no harm should find out a little more about it and how much 'choice' was involved. Also, if it is harmless fun, then why can't your DC do it? Maybe I am misjudging people and they would be happy for their DCs to choose. I would be horrified if my DSs earned money as porn actors, so I don't think it is fair or ethical, to think it is OK for other poeple's DCs.

NoseyNooNoo · 27/11/2009 19:53

I've only just come to this thread. I feel very sorry for OP and hope that she finds the answers she needs.

Dittany, your contributions have been amazing and I agree with every point you've made.

SolidGoldBangers · 27/11/2009 20:39

Yes, I have earned money out of the porn industry, and in my years working in the industry I have constantly been trying to improve things within it, for performers and consumers. Of course, guess what, that hasn't made me rich but to me it's important to keep trying to improve the industry rather than writing it and all those who work in it off.

CarryOnDancing · 27/11/2009 21:23

SGB there is no improvement to be had, its a lost cause. Sex+money=exploitation.

Unless your name is a reference to sausages I fear your attitude will only reinforce the exact issues being highlighted here.
Just because it exists and it isn't illegal, doesn't mean we are obliged to close our eyes to the harmful side of what is male and female prostitution.

Have you read any of the links?

piscesmoon · 27/11/2009 21:45

Are you really saying that you wouldn't mind if your DCs worked in the sex industry-SGB- as long as they tried to improve it?

I think that it is exploitation. Those who are lucky enough to have been born into a family with a comfortable income, and parents who nurtured them and wanted the best for them, shouldn't be willing to exploit those who weren't so lucky, just through accident of birth. I don't think it is good enough to turn a blind eye and say 'they are adult and they chose it',when they have no idea of their circumstance.

dittany · 27/11/2009 22:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovechoc · 28/11/2009 20:20

for someone that protests so much about porn, dittany you seem to know ALOT about it...
Even I don't know about porn to the same depth as you do!

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