DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

It's just as unreasonable of a man to use porn if he knows full well that his partner has serious moral objections to it - relationships are about compromise, the good ones anyway.
I liken it to a man discovering his wife has an enormous collection of sex toys ( or a collection of enormous toys) that he knew absolutely nothing about, I think he'd feel pretty inferior and betrayed, especially if he thought that his wife wasn't all that interested in sex with him.
It always comes back to secrecy - that's the real issue.
No-one should ever find out something like that by "accident" - I find this idea of personal "privacy" within a marriage very weird indeed.
People get into this position in the first place by either not knowing their partner well enough, or more seriously by being misled by a partner when they say they don't use porn etc., only to find out somewhere down the line that they actually do and have kept a part of themselves hidden .

hear hear rostbeef!

I broadly agree with rostbeef but maybe an analogy might help.

Alcoholic drinks have been around for thousands of years. I enjoy sharing a bottle of wine with DW and it is one of my favourite things to do. I ocassionally enjoy a glass on my own if DW is out.
However, I do not keep my drinking secret or drink to excess. Neither do I go out alone drinking in pubs. Nor do I go out and buy a bottle of White Lightening cider, get blind drunk in the street and slump in the gutter.

I like a drink. I do it in a way that DW is happy with but she does not dicate to me what I drink. I still prefer to do it with her. My brain is programmed to like alcohol but its all about free choice and how I choose to exercise that free choice with consideration for DW and respect for myself.

I hadn't actually ever head the term "Gonzo" in anything other than The Muppets so I was unaware that type of horrific porn had a name - you say it's the most common form Dittany, but is it the most watched ?

If it is then yes, it's a huge worry, I would hope that most men , if they saw it would be horrified and appalled and wouldn't want to watch it, I know 100% that my husband wouldn't - it's about degradation and humiliation, not real sex.

We watched something called "porn week" once and it involved groups of male "fans" watching the production of porn films and snapping away with their cameras as the likes of Ron Jeremy were filming scenes - we both felt like we needed a bath after watching it, it was just so horrible, these sad inadequate men gawping at women being spit roasted, it really was very unpleasant and that was big business mainstream porn, in fact my husband said "turn it over , it's horrible" even before the first ad break.

If men do want to watch women being so badly treated then there is something wrong with them, no doubt about that.

I still think that there is a place for "ethical" porn though, featuring real, enjoyable sex - I don't see much difference between that and educational material tbh.

A bit of porn never hurt anyone - don't worry about it! Why don't you watch it with him? It could open up a whole new sexual experience for you.

I think this thread is starting to make me more depraved, I'd never heard of 'Gonzo' before,or was he in Grange Hill?

I can see that it's futile to argue the finer points with you Dittany, it would be like SGB trying to convince me that open relationships/swinging/polyamory are as valid as a monogamous marriage .

It seems as though, just as some people are ignorant about the source of their food and will happily buy battery farmed eggs, some people are happy to buy porn produced in a similar manner without worrying about the source?

Education about the subject could go a long way to getting the public, and men in particular, to see the unpalatable truth.

I will let you know my opinions about "ethical" porn, I've rented Petra Joy's "feeling it" dvd - it's meant to be specifically about real womens' fantasies, so we'll see. I can't really give a true opinion of it until I've actually seen it.
If I do feel that it's exploitative or "wank fodder" by stealth, you'll be the first to know.

Btw, I doubt my husband will even bother watching it with me, he is of the opionion that he'd much rather be having sex than watching other people do it and I agree with him.

Think its a real issue whyen a woman and her dh/dp have such massive differences in opinion regarding sex.

I find it difficult to imagine being with a man who loved porn and i was repulsed by it. OP had you never discussed porn and what you both thought of it before the first time that you found out that he had watched it?

A friend at work had a similar experience a few mths ago. sHE was deveasted to find that her dp had secretly been watching porn.

What i found shocking though was that she had never in all her years of marriage talked about the kind of people they found attractive, never looked at any porn or even that the subject had never come up where was a sex scene on telly.

My dp would always comment/make a joke at a sex scene and i wouldnt be offended. We ahve watched porn now and again and i wouldnt care if he had watched it without me. What i would be worried about is if he felt he had to do secretly because i would mind.

I don't know why you're having such a go at me, I'm hardly a porn "defender" and readily acknowledge that porn can be harmful.

All I was saying was that you are as resolute in your opinions about porn as I am with my opinions about fidelity, hardly a critiscism.

I would be happy to see the kind of porn you are talking about be made illegal, but we are both savvy enough to know it will still go on "underground", just like prostitution - better education has to be the most practical and effective solution.

I disagree about my egg analogy though, every box of eggs has details of where and how they were produced, it's a person's choice to buy free range and the vast majority of eggs in supermarkets are free range now due to that demand because people have seen upsetting films of battery farms and it has put them off.

Every relationship is created on different foundations so I don't think its polite or neccessary to refer to the OP as if she is some kind of prude. The history of their relationship is key here, she doesn't agree with porn (which when reduced to pure black and white is more moral/ethical than the blase 'its out there and I love sex' argument) and her DH knows this. Therefore going behind her back rather than being honest about his desires completely undermines their relationship- and this is bound to shatter her life. Who wants to find out any secret about their husband?

I was somewhat of a fence sitter before reading the facts and opinions from Dittanys link. Until someone links a study proving the liberation of women and its status improving value (and not just the feminist dream) then I fail to see why anyone would argue. Without learning the facts aren't we just debating wearing blindfolds?!

one happy student here!! I am easily persuaded with actual evidence. The more links the better!

Wow Dittany sure knows a LOT about porn. Must have done some really in depth research!!!

OP I think you may have pressured/shamed dh into saying he'd give up porn so he carried on in secret because he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with it.

Men like looking at tits and front bottoms. It's a bit pathetic and a bit grubby but something to roll your eyes at, not get a divorce lawyer over.

I do understand some women are offended and hurt when dps watch porn but personally I think if all else is ok/respectful/happy in relationship, why not just turn a blind eye and concentrate on the good? Men are different creatures f gawd's sake, haven't we known that since we were 15? (Unless obviously it's underage/violent stuff, that's a whole different matter)

OMG dittany the cartoons from playboy etc are an outrage, then I followed the link to www.hustlingtheleft.com/slides/index.html and looked at the slides. After no experience of the inside of these well known mags I presummed it was just naked pics. I have never felt so disturbed.

It seems the secret sordid world isn't even so secret, its right there on the top shelf.

Please follow this link ladies, you must see it to believe it. (they are just images not moving film and some are cartoons)

Dittany - think you and I are lone voices here sadly.