to think it's unreasonable to "absent" grandparents to show up for all the good bits?

[loonpants]

Bit of background.

We live in our home town but our only family is my in-laws.

My in-laws are alright in a sort of "meh" kind of way. They don't show much emotion, MIL is a bit thin-lipped (think Pauline Fowler). They don't offer any help with the kids; visit in fits and starts (every weekend for a few weeks then nothing for a couple of months).

When they do visit, they don't get terribly involved with the kids. I think they like the trappings of being grandparents (photographs on the mantlepiece etc) but don't want to get their hands dirty. They have friends who are involved with their grandchildren (in terms of helping or babysitting) and I know for a fact that one of them warned my MIL against offering too much help when our first child was born.

Alright, that's their choice. It's a real disappointment and we do feel unsupported but we've found some babysitters and occasionally manage to get out (well, once in the past 5 months!).

As an example, DD1 is appearing in a little ballet show in our town centre next month. We have three tickets so offered one to my MIL and asked whether FIL would mind walking the baby for an hour in the town centre while we watch the show. He has reluctantly agreed but is clearly very put out at the thought so we've made alternative arrangements and now have a babysitter coming to the house for the afternoon. TBH I feel like retracting the ticket from my MIL given their attitude, but it's a bit late as we've mentioned it.

They are both 60. They go on holiday abroad about three times a year, perfectly fit and well. They come back from their holidays and sit and tell us all about what a nice time they've had, completely failing to acknowledge what a rough time we're having looking after two small kids. They are away at the moment and I know they'll be round here next week showing us their photographs of Lanzarote.

The reason I'm posting is because MIL has suddenly mentioned that she wants to take DD1 to see a pantomime this Christmas. It's on a weekday when I couldn't go because I have nobody to care for the baby.

Now normally, I'd think this is lovely. I would LOVE my children to have grandparents who take them for a day out BUT - going to the pantomime is something I really look forward to. It's like one of the best bits of being a mum, something nice in the middle of all the hard work. I was really hoping to take DD myself and completely resent my MIL muscling in for all the "good bits" when she offers no practical help (or even consistency) for the rest of the year.

AIBU?

I do see your point but I think it can be difficult for GP's especially around DIL's to get the balance right.

Maybe they dont get too involved because they dont want to be seen as interfering and maybe they are trying to enjoy their retirement to the full while they are still fit and healthy - after all they have done their child rearing. Have you actually ever asked them to babysit for a couple of hours or are you presuming that they wouldnt want to.

I would take the invitation as what it is. An opportunity for your DD to spend some quality time with her GP's. There is no reason that you cant take her to the panto again on your own.

I can't get a babysitter, that's part of the problem.

Our only babysitters are nursery nurses from our daughter's nursery. They are at work on weekdays, so we can only get them in the evenings or at weekends.

Of course, FIL is sitting at home but he would never ever babysit.

YANBU.

My POLs are just like this, and, worse still, they do it to me when the DSSs are with me - make all sorts of arrangements to do nice things with the DSSs in the afternoons leaving me to cook, clean and stay at home waiting with DD for them to show up again. It drives me insane and I complain about it!

I dont think your unreasonable but that may be because I have a very very similar situation in that my in-laws dont bother with my DD. However, thats because they only want her to themselves. I think I get so wound up that they only want the good bits, that I get tempted to thwart any plans she wants to make. Its probably very petty, but my MIL has another Grandchild who is spoiled rotten, which i dont mind, but then DD doesnt even get visited and we are two streets away.

I know I would be saying no, but then maybe I would be saying no just to assert myself and maybe thats not a good enough reason. But I get so upset because she doesnt visit at any other time, doesnt come and watch DD swim when invited so why does she get the glory bits.

We have asked them in the past. They once babysat overnight under duress (when we had one child). DD1 was an excellent sleeper, she was no hassle, however, they were very put out by it all.

They babysat once last year for a few hours in the evening (DD1 asleep throughout) but were also very "put out" that we arrived back just after midnight.

On the one hand I think "oh, midnight is quite late" but then again (1) it genuninely not our fault that we were ate and (2) they sit up until 1am drinking at home probably four nights a week.

TBH I don't think she will be interested in going to the same panto twice. She's a very bright reception-age child, doesn't miss a trick and is quick to pipe up if she's seen something before.

Hmmm. Do you think DD1 will enjoy going to the panto with just Grandma? If so, I think this is an occasion to just swallow it and let her do it. Maybe they will get more interested and involved as the children get older? Some people are like that.

Perhaps you could take DD1 to a ballet or something instead?

being a grandparent is all about not having to get your hands dirty. She got her hands dirty with her own kids, she shouldn't feel obliged to do so with yours.

my dad does this, he turns up for an hour on birthdays and christmas but other than that not much. To give him credit he did have my son when i was in hospital last year though.
It does bother me because my mum is dead and MIL lives a ling way off BUT I just learned to get on without him and go with the flow. Its his loss.

If you dont want her to go to the panto then just say no shes your little one and it is your choice above all.

That's not right, colditz. Life isn't like that. There is no bit of life where we have the right to cherry pick and leave the dross to others.

So if your MIL doesn't take your dd to the panto you will take her yourself? Seems fair enough to do that then. Perhaps invite MIL to come along as well? I don't see why you should have to lose out on something you were looking forward to - it's not as if your MIL deserves it as a reward for helping out with the boring bits.

Glad im not your MIL...you sound like hard work. I suspect you dont actually like them that much otherwise why get worked up about such minor stuff??

If it's that big a deal for you to go to the panto too then why not take dd again yourself or to a different panto in a nearby town.

They are your children maybe your in laws feel they have raised THEIR children and now its your turn. GP's do do the good bits but you can too...it is not a competition.

I dunno.

Actually, no, I'm just not prepared to put aside my desire to take my daughter to a Christmas show and let grandma enjoy it.

I think you've got to take the rough with the smooth.

I think I'm just a bit upset this year.

Last year they were invited for xmas lunch but declined to come. We invited them for tea on xmas eve instead. They agreed to come but pulled out at the last minute. DD was really upset (literally, crying). Their excuse? "It's a big dinner tomorrow, we've got to put the veggies on".

I just feel resentful of them. Wish they could be more available. Yes, I'm sure they DO want to enjoy their retirement. I can't help wondering at what point they willl slow down and look towards us to take care of them.

They are grandparents. It's not their 'job' to take on childcare for their grand-children.

Not all grandparents want to take thei grandchildren out.

Good for them for enjoying their retirement and using their time and money to see the world.

(to those who think this is reasonable grandparent behaviour (or that I sound hard work), I'd be interested to know how you'd explain to a crying three year old that her grandparents have changed their mind because they are putting the xmas veggies on?)

I can understand why this annoys you. But by asking to take her to the panto she is making an effort to spend time with her. By spending time with her she may bond more and then want to help out more maybe? Maybe they will become more involved as your children grow up a little. Rightly or wrongly some people find toddlers and babies boring and hardwork. Older children can enjoy more interesting things and maybe then they might want to be more involved. YANBU to be annoyed though.

No grandparents have a duty of grandchildcare. However, if they want to have fun with their grandchildren, they must also go along with the parents' constraints and desires. Taking grandchildren out for fun and games with no regard for the parents' own agenda is very unreasonable. Cherry picking the fun bits and leaving parents (or stepparents) the cooking, cleaning and laundry is not on either.

Of course there is, Bonsoir. It's called the bit of life that you had no say over and therefore have no responsibility for - ie someone else's children!

I do know how you feel.

That said, if your daughter would be happy to go with just GPs-let her.

And if it was an activity that you didn´t want to do with your daughter, you probably wouldn´t think twice about accepting.

I can´t think of anything worse than panto, tbh!

And if you want to know what absent GPs are-try not visited in 15yrs!

Even though we are only a short plane ride away, would put them up, fetch from airport this end etc...!

Dueling, you're right.

It's not their job to take on childcare.

We have a nursery for that. We pay for that.

But they clearly do want to take her out when it suits them. Not when I need it (when I was 9 months pregnant and DH was working) but when it suits them.

I was close to my nana. She was a lovely link to the past. I hoped for the same for my children.

The phrase "cherry picking" makes perfect sense.

say no and don't feel guilty about it.

not even for a moment.

I wonder what would happen if I posted the following.

"AIBU not to want to bother with my elderly in-laws because they are boring, hard work and messy?"

My MOL is a champion cherry-picker, and she can become very nasty very quickly when she doesn't get her own way.

I have always been able to see right through her; it has taken many years of hard work to explain to DP just why she makes him so miserable and frustrated, and that he can stand up to her and say no.

Colditz hits the spot! You sound a bit Meh to be honest with a real sence of entitlement

"They want to take her out when it suits them"-what´s wrong with that?

"Not when I need it"-perhaps depends on your reason for "needing"?