to think it's unreasonable to "absent" grandparents to show up for all the good bits?

[loonpants]

Bit of background.

We live in our home town but our only family is my in-laws.

My in-laws are alright in a sort of "meh" kind of way. They don't show much emotion, MIL is a bit thin-lipped (think Pauline Fowler). They don't offer any help with the kids; visit in fits and starts (every weekend for a few weeks then nothing for a couple of months).

When they do visit, they don't get terribly involved with the kids. I think they like the trappings of being grandparents (photographs on the mantlepiece etc) but don't want to get their hands dirty. They have friends who are involved with their grandchildren (in terms of helping or babysitting) and I know for a fact that one of them warned my MIL against offering too much help when our first child was born.

Alright, that's their choice. It's a real disappointment and we do feel unsupported but we've found some babysitters and occasionally manage to get out (well, once in the past 5 months!).

As an example, DD1 is appearing in a little ballet show in our town centre next month. We have three tickets so offered one to my MIL and asked whether FIL would mind walking the baby for an hour in the town centre while we watch the show. He has reluctantly agreed but is clearly very put out at the thought so we've made alternative arrangements and now have a babysitter coming to the house for the afternoon. TBH I feel like retracting the ticket from my MIL given their attitude, but it's a bit late as we've mentioned it.

They are both 60. They go on holiday abroad about three times a year, perfectly fit and well. They come back from their holidays and sit and tell us all about what a nice time they've had, completely failing to acknowledge what a rough time we're having looking after two small kids. They are away at the moment and I know they'll be round here next week showing us their photographs of Lanzarote.

The reason I'm posting is because MIL has suddenly mentioned that she wants to take DD1 to see a pantomime this Christmas. It's on a weekday when I couldn't go because I have nobody to care for the baby.

Now normally, I'd think this is lovely. I would LOVE my children to have grandparents who take them for a day out BUT - going to the pantomime is something I really look forward to. It's like one of the best bits of being a mum, something nice in the middle of all the hard work. I was really hoping to take DD myself and completely resent my MIL muscling in for all the "good bits" when she offers no practical help (or even consistency) for the rest of the year.

AIBU?

I think that GP's are specifically there to do the good bits/spoiling of their GC's.

Its not my mums job to help with the cooking, cleaning, disciplining, i.e. the hard bits. It WAS her job when she had me.

Did you tell them how upset DD was on Christmas Eve? I would have taken the hump at that tbh.

yabu.

They're hardly "absent" grandparents are they if you see them every few weeks.

"They come back from their holidays and sit and tell us all
about what a nice time they've had, completely failing to acknowledge what a rough time we're having looking after two small kids." Why shouldn't they have a nice time on holiday? Why shouldn't they come and tell you about it? And more to the point, why should they acknowledge what a rough time you're having looking after two small kids? Presumably they're two small kids you chose to have? they're your kids.

You sound very selfish and self absorbed, and tbh if I were your mil I'm not sure I'd want to be spending time with you either.

I don't think they sound like great GPs, but they are not completely uninvolved. Really I think it would be more helpful to your DCs if you try and foster the relationship, rather than feeling resentful about it.

Sympathy to you though that they're not helpful and supportive.

Could you suggest to MIL that she takes DD1 to something else, if the panto is that big a deal to you? Whatsit on ice, or something of that nature?

If grandparents want to take grandchildren out, it must be at a mutually convenient time to all parties. It is so very wrong for parents to let grandparents walk all over their families - terrible example to the children.

I was lost for words last xmas TBH. Cancelling with that sort of excuse - well, I just can't find the words.

What exactly is my "sense of entitlement"?

I haven't mentioned wanting them to cook and clean. Wouldn't DREAM of that.

Be nice if they actually played with the kids a bit or took the baby for a walk so I can do the cooking cleaning etc.

Like I said, what sort of response would I get if I posted "I can't be bothered to go see my elderly in-laws because they are boring and messy"??

Incidentally, my BIL and SIL live 150 miles away and they feel exactly the same. In-laws never visit, won't meet them halfway even (for the day).

Then they complain "DGC2 doesn't know us"....

Go to 2 pantos, we did last year.

But you are cherry picking in reverse..i.e you want them to have her when it suits you, i.e when you 'need' it. You are now holding this against them in effect and punishing them for not doing what suits you.

Agree that cancelling the xmas eve thing not nice of them. Maybe they are turning a bit bonkers about leaving the house/changing routines as they get older...many old folks do go a bit like this.

Your relationship with your lovely nana has given you high expectations...but they are not your 'nana' and so i guess have to develop their own relationship with your dc's.

It's obviously difficult for you but you do just have to let the minor annoyances go...prob not good for you to be stressing about stuff like this. Just accept that people are different.

As kathy says if you are planning on going to the panto anyway why cant you go with your MIL and dd??

but if it's not mutually convenient then you just say no. surely? In the same way they say no when babysitting isn't mutually convenient for them.

But op has said she can't take her dd to the pantomime because she has no-one to look after the baby. So rather than let her go with her granny she'd rather not let her go at all.

Sounds like a two year old having a tantrum to me.

Put pehaps FIL is put out re the ballet as he would have liked to go.

And if there´s no ticket for him-why should he babysit?

How old is your baby that you can´t take them to the ballet & panto?

It would never have occured to me to get a babsitter for these things.

sounds like your jealous - they get to go on holiday and just do the good bits with your children. Sorry to break it to you but they have had their kids, their highs and lows and now grandparents are expected to help out becuase you decided to have two dc's you are struggling with? That was your choice m'dear - not the GPs.

I for one shall be spoiling grandchildren, but i shall not be a regular babysitter. I have done my bit tyvm, I am not about to do it all over again now i am older. When my children leave home i want to go on wonderful holidays and it would be nice to talk to them about it hoping that they do not harbour resentment at my finances and free time becuase they decided to have two children.

in short, GPs should not be expected to help out. It's handy if they are that type of person that wants to do all that hands on stuff - handy for you - but shouldn't be an expectation by any means. GP's are their for the good stuff, that's what they do.

loonpants - my MOL used to complain to her friends that she had no relationship with DD. One of her nicer friends did say to DP one day that she had asked MOL what she thought she did for DD to build the relationship and MOL had no answer!

The reality was that MOL wanted me to dress DD up to the nines and bus her over to her apartment so that she could push her around the 16th arrondissement in her pushchair for half an hour. The logistics on my side were about 4 hours worth of work (and I was going to have to hang around in a café during the pushing bit). Not really worth it...

you know, I'm just off shopping to buy THEIR christmas present to DD1 because they have told me to get something and they will give me the money.

"Get her something from us" is what they say every year and every year I do it. They ask me what she wants then say they are too busy to go shopping for it themselves.

I'm just waiting for the baby to wake up and then I'll go before school pick up.

Of course, it's their right not to bother shopping for a Christmas present and to leave it to me.

I don't think this was really AIBU, was it? It's more that you want to complain about them and get a bit of support.

It's hard that you're not getting help from them, but as other posters have said, it's not an entitlement. You are responsible for your own children, GPs are just there to do fun stuff, any more than that is a bonus.

I agree that when you have children it is your responsibilty to raise and nurture them but surely everyone needs help from time to time. I know i do and it doesn't come in the form of the in laws.

In situations like this where no help is recieved from the pil, what will happen when the pil need help. Either now or in the future. Who's responsibility is that?

Baby is 5 months old. Not great to take to a ballet performance.

You think FIL won't walk the baby because there's no ticket for him?

My goodness, that would be peevish! "If I can't come, I won't help you". Hmm. You think that would be an okay reason?

Wanabee - I am unable to take DD1 to the panto on a weekday but can take her at the weekend. You are jumping to conclusions.

Loonpants - we use sitters.co.uk and they are very good. Get a sitter and go to panto or tell MIL no and go on another day.

scratchet, I mentioned that previously but nobody has answered.

What do I do when they want/need my help?

loonpants - I am in that position, as my MOL has cancer and I have had to help out a bit when she has been hospitalised (and make big organisational concessions in those emergencies).

Basically, I am terribly inclined to kill myself for my POLs. I do put myself out, because I want to help my DP through his mother's illness. But I don't specifically help out my POLs because they don't deserve it.

And you posted on AIBU expecting an arh poor dear 2 kids and such unsupportive GP lol

not terribly

Loonpants - My own mother does exactly the same for my DC's. I pick up their Christmas presents and she gives me the money. Her logic, i know better than her 'what they are into'. Its fine with me because i do!

She also doesnt babysit and never has, which is also fine with me.

They also go on holiday several times a year and why shouldnt they! (including every Christmas)

She also visits whenever is convenient for her and i wouldnt expect anything else, as i also visit whoever when its convenient for me.

Lighten up a bit.

well then tell her "we've already booked to go at the weekend."

As for what about when they need help - well surely that's your dh's department, and how he chooses to help his parents is up to him.

claw3 - the relationship with your own mother is not the same as the relationship with PILs.

I think you are very upset that you and your dd are not getting the close relationship and support with the grandparents that you hoped for. It is fine to be disppointed about that. But they are the way they are so you will have to accept them as they are. The best thing you can do is encourage a good relationship with them and your dc and hope things improve in time. It is their loss if they wake up one day and realise your children are all grown up and they missed out on things.

When they need help, presumably you would be gracious and give it, if you think it's appropriate and they don't have other people to call on. It's not tit for tat is it?