to think it's unreasonable to "absent" grandparents to show up for all the good bits?

[loonpants]

Bit of background.

We live in our home town but our only family is my in-laws.

My in-laws are alright in a sort of "meh" kind of way. They don't show much emotion, MIL is a bit thin-lipped (think Pauline Fowler). They don't offer any help with the kids; visit in fits and starts (every weekend for a few weeks then nothing for a couple of months).

When they do visit, they don't get terribly involved with the kids. I think they like the trappings of being grandparents (photographs on the mantlepiece etc) but don't want to get their hands dirty. They have friends who are involved with their grandchildren (in terms of helping or babysitting) and I know for a fact that one of them warned my MIL against offering too much help when our first child was born.

Alright, that's their choice. It's a real disappointment and we do feel unsupported but we've found some babysitters and occasionally manage to get out (well, once in the past 5 months!).

As an example, DD1 is appearing in a little ballet show in our town centre next month. We have three tickets so offered one to my MIL and asked whether FIL would mind walking the baby for an hour in the town centre while we watch the show. He has reluctantly agreed but is clearly very put out at the thought so we've made alternative arrangements and now have a babysitter coming to the house for the afternoon. TBH I feel like retracting the ticket from my MIL given their attitude, but it's a bit late as we've mentioned it.

They are both 60. They go on holiday abroad about three times a year, perfectly fit and well. They come back from their holidays and sit and tell us all about what a nice time they've had, completely failing to acknowledge what a rough time we're having looking after two small kids. They are away at the moment and I know they'll be round here next week showing us their photographs of Lanzarote.

The reason I'm posting is because MIL has suddenly mentioned that she wants to take DD1 to see a pantomime this Christmas. It's on a weekday when I couldn't go because I have nobody to care for the baby.

Now normally, I'd think this is lovely. I would LOVE my children to have grandparents who take them for a day out BUT - going to the pantomime is something I really look forward to. It's like one of the best bits of being a mum, something nice in the middle of all the hard work. I was really hoping to take DD myself and completely resent my MIL muscling in for all the "good bits" when she offers no practical help (or even consistency) for the rest of the year.

AIBU?

Totally agree with wannabe. This stuff about them coming back from holiday and not acknowledging that you have been looking after two kids is bizarre.

FWIW my parents have always said the thing about being a GP is that you get to do the good bits and then give the children back. They babysit occasionally which is great but they always point out that they had no-one to help them and how lucky we are.

They are right. They have had their children, raised them, done the tears and the nappies and the relentless toddler stuff and the schools and all of it. They are grandparents now, and if for them that means just seeing the kids high days and holidays etc then so be it.

I can see where OP is coming from, I think you feel resentful a bit, because they have the free time etc and won't use it. I'd be annoyed at the pulling out because of veggies thing too. I would let them take dd to the panto and take her again myself another time. As another poster said, any nice times they have together will forge a bond, and the more they are used to taking her out, the more they may offer. I think you're lucky actually, on the whole; my dd has no grandparents close by, just one granny (my mum) who she sees once a year. Hope you can let it wash over you a bit, and just enjoy the time they do spend with the family. Good luck. Sorry about short, no paragraph post, just off to pick up dd!

Life is tit for tat - it's give and take. Relationships where all the giving is on one side and all the taking on the other are unsustainable and it is vitally important to model good, healthy relationships based on exchange to our DCs.

Any ideas?

Perhaps just help when it suits me?

Invite them for xmas but cancel at the last minute?

Ask them to buy their own xmas presents?

The fact is, we have times in our lives when we need help from the people around us. My MIL had help from her in-laws when her children was young. She accepted this help when it was offered. I presume it was offered because they loved their family.

At the moment, we need help and support and they don't.

In ten years, fifteen years, things will be better for us. The kids wil be older and, though they will still need us, it will be in a different way.

In ten, fifteen years, they will need our help. What would mumsnet advise then?

When they babysit we have to take them up there and be back by 9 so we don't really take them up on it!

Well, I´ve never had help, & I don´t think I´m unusual in that tbh.

Tell a lie-1st child was looked after whilst I was giving birth.

That´s been it.

Bonsoir - Yes thats true i appreciate that. But if we are talking about 'expecting' things from GP's, it amounts to the same thing.

OP, why do you need help?

Re the gift buying - I get the feeling that they have possibly brought in the past and you have give them the lemon face and made it clear that their taste is not your taste.just a guess ;)

Re helping them when they need it - I will look after my mother because she is my mother and spent 18 years dedicating herself to me - the fact she's not the babysitting/ knitting type as a grandmother will not impact on my feelings.

Where is your OH in all of this?

It's not all the giving on one side though is it? The GPs raised their own kids, that's the giving. Maybe one day their kids will care for them, that's the taking. Other stuff is extras.

And yes there should be give and take in all relationships, but not every gesture has to be reciprocated with something equivalent all the time. Unless you are one of those people who assesses the cost of all your gifts on the basis of what they cost the giver.

I think it's pretty miserable to always expect to be given something back in return for everything you do. It makes life about trading.

claw3 - I think it's more complicated than that.

My parents and I go back a long, long way and we are in it for the long haul, and we understand that sometimes one of us takes more over a sustained period of time, and these things wax and wane. It's the same with friendships - long-sustained friendships can put up with longer periods of take on one side than new friendships.

The OP doesn't seem to have a long, deep relationship with her PILs where each party has a long history of responding to the other's need when appropriate. So it just function on the same basis of trust that whatever is needed will be given at some future date.

why do I need help?

Just someone to take the slack now and again, maybe look at a book with DD1 while I feed the baby.

The last time they came, they came for 12 minutes.

I ought to add that DD1 is perfectly well behaved and the baby is gurgly and smily. We're not talking about the kray twins here, two great girls.

My SIL phoned recently and said she was upset about them never wanting to see her child. "Do they just not care or something?" she said.

I agree that young kids are hard work but I still haven't had an answer to how we approach this as they get older.

SIL asked the same question. She's given up on them TBH.

I did give you an answer, loonpants!

Can´t you look at a book with your daughter whilst feeding baby?

"Take up the slack"-what does that mean?

Where is your OH in all of this?

meh baby awake hang on

It's quite possible that they don't care about anyone but themselves. It is very common for people not to care about anyone else .

(OH agrees. Actually OH hurt by them and wants to move away).

''I agree that young kids are hard work but I still haven't had an answer to how we approach this as they get older.'' Chill to be honest

And be grateful that they visit rather than timming them.

You sound like to need to learn to lie in the moment

Live - Live - Live in the moment !!! you sound very honest

Reading your posts I sense that you don't actually enjoy being a mum all that much, hense why you seem to require so much support.

Bonsoir - I see where you are coming from.

As far as i am concerned, both my parents and dp's parents get treated the same and get given the same consideration. As both myself and DP are in it for the long haul ifswim.

I do understand your frustration but think you are being unreasonable.

Let granny take your daughter to the panto - go to another one and just enjoy some time with the baby.

You're not going to change them so just live with them and don't necessarily mention to DD if they're meant to be visiting if they're unreliable.

Its just a waste of energy seething about what they should/shouldn't do.

Also FIL quite typical in men of that generation in being disgruntled/scared at being expected to babysit by himself.

I agree with you really as my parents are very like this,

but,

bottom line is that the important thing here is your daughter's relationship with her grandparents - is it worth swallowing how peed off you are so your dd gets some time with her gm?

I tend to feel like saying no to my mum's plans as I feel so let down by their almost complete lack of interest/involvement in my kids lives. But, then again, is it really for me to stop my ds's having a relationship with their grandma?

A difficult one. Perhaps you could think of soemthing else lovely for you to do with your dd? Cinema?