to think it's unreasonable to "absent" grandparents to show up for all the good bits?

[loonpants]

Bit of background.

We live in our home town but our only family is my in-laws.

My in-laws are alright in a sort of "meh" kind of way. They don't show much emotion, MIL is a bit thin-lipped (think Pauline Fowler). They don't offer any help with the kids; visit in fits and starts (every weekend for a few weeks then nothing for a couple of months).

When they do visit, they don't get terribly involved with the kids. I think they like the trappings of being grandparents (photographs on the mantlepiece etc) but don't want to get their hands dirty. They have friends who are involved with their grandchildren (in terms of helping or babysitting) and I know for a fact that one of them warned my MIL against offering too much help when our first child was born.

Alright, that's their choice. It's a real disappointment and we do feel unsupported but we've found some babysitters and occasionally manage to get out (well, once in the past 5 months!).

As an example, DD1 is appearing in a little ballet show in our town centre next month. We have three tickets so offered one to my MIL and asked whether FIL would mind walking the baby for an hour in the town centre while we watch the show. He has reluctantly agreed but is clearly very put out at the thought so we've made alternative arrangements and now have a babysitter coming to the house for the afternoon. TBH I feel like retracting the ticket from my MIL given their attitude, but it's a bit late as we've mentioned it.

They are both 60. They go on holiday abroad about three times a year, perfectly fit and well. They come back from their holidays and sit and tell us all about what a nice time they've had, completely failing to acknowledge what a rough time we're having looking after two small kids. They are away at the moment and I know they'll be round here next week showing us their photographs of Lanzarote.

The reason I'm posting is because MIL has suddenly mentioned that she wants to take DD1 to see a pantomime this Christmas. It's on a weekday when I couldn't go because I have nobody to care for the baby.

Now normally, I'd think this is lovely. I would LOVE my children to have grandparents who take them for a day out BUT - going to the pantomime is something I really look forward to. It's like one of the best bits of being a mum, something nice in the middle of all the hard work. I was really hoping to take DD myself and completely resent my MIL muscling in for all the "good bits" when she offers no practical help (or even consistency) for the rest of the year.

AIBU?

Don't be feeling 'attacked'. rather, let it give you a new perpsective on it all. You asked for comment and we don't always want to hear a different point of view I suppose.

Have a think about things now that you have these reponses ... Maybe this is actually a small thing that's got too big in your mind and you maybe are needing some support. Now would be a good time to admit that maybe and look elsewhere for advice and help???

Asking for help is absolutely the right thing to do if you are feeling low and/or overwhelmed by things.

big hug ok xx

YABU, and enough people have pointed out to you why.

I wouldn't dream of expecting anything from my mother or exPILS. (Although I would be THRILLED if one of them offered to take DD to the tedium that is panto )

Lol, I actually have a Dad too, but expecting him to do anything is so beyond expectation I forgot to mention him!

He's still her Grandad though, and loved.

Bonsoir - I know nannies aren't slaves. Twas a bit of a joke. But surely having help enables the parents to cherry pick to a certain extent.

I could be you! I feel myself nodding along to lots of what you say.

I have 2 DC aged 2 and 6 months. However, my ILS are divorced and my FIL has had a baby with his new wife who is 7 months older than my DD1. As such they haven't helped us as they are caught up in bringing up their own child.

They've asked us to babysit their baby, but haven't offered to help us ever!! That said if they wanted to take DD1 to a panto then I would agree in a shot. I hardly ever get chance to spend time alone with my baby and it would be lovely. My DD1 looks at photos of her grandad and his wife and doesn't know who they are, yet they live 20 minutes down the road.

I know the wish to have a bit of help now and again or just a bit of one-to-one time with each child. But, I'm afraid it doesn't happen in RL. It will get better as your DC get older, well that's what I keep fooling telling myself.

Keep your chin up.

OP, your only real mistake was to post this in AIBU.

actually, this thread and the way it has gone is weirdly a great metaphor for the sitation you're in... your intentions are good, your trying to make people understand how hurt and unsupported you feel....problem is, some people are just ASSHOLES.

honestly, some things in life are that simple.

like i said before. say NO and don't feel guilty. invest nothing emotionally in them and take from them what suits you. that way they can't disappoint you.

this isn't selfish and your guilt about feeling angry towards them is the only thing holding you back from moving forward.

for what it's worth, we have two small children and no family support. my MIL has babysat once ever. she is a common garden asshole.

and i will absolutely not look after her when she's old and decrepit. bugger being graceful. i plan to volunteer on a local programme to help vulnerable old people in their homes though.

my conscious is clear.

Having childcare help definitely does enable parents to cherry-pick! I quite agree. But grandparents who won't take children overnight unless nanny goes too? Grrrrr.

and my conscience is also clear

my dad has a pathilogical fear of babies
So he would walk a five monther round a shopping centre but he would be terrified that the baby would wake up as he wouldnt know what to do

why dont they want to eat xmas dinner with you? do they always have it on their own?

Riven - I thought that your in laws were providing a home for your DD1 who ran away? Surely that is help?

I think it's telling that now your dd is 4 MIL feels able to take her to a pantomime. Some GPs are juts better when they are that bit older and are able to converse. Let her go and have a fab time. Book another show in another town or take her to see FC - there are lots of special moments for you and she to enjoy.

And GPs do get to do the fun stuff - it's in the job description!

My own wonderful grandfather was never very interested when we were tiny - was always kind - but it was later, as a teenager that I really came to appreciate him and him me.

I think if my future son-in-law expected me to "take the slack" I'd tell him where to go.

I fully intend (God willing)to be a "Good Times Granny".

Obviously OP your in-laws were rude to cancel the Christmas Eve thing for "veg" but, tbh, I think it may have been an excuse, and I personally can see, from what you have posted here, why they would want to.

OK - I think that lesson no1 is to ignore other friends with parents who do loads...it's not helpful. Some do, some don't, but quite frankly they're your kids and you just have to get on with it! My parents made it very clear to my dsis and I that they would help if absolutely necessary and would treat us with a night away every so often, but that our kids were just that - ours - they've been there, done that and got the t shirt. Past that, it's their life and their choice to see or not see their GC. If you feel strongly about the panto then say no, or go to a different one with dd another day. I think it sounds lovely though and I would let it happen. Agree with you on the xmas veggies though - that's just bizarre and I would have told them how upset dd was.

I don't think YANBU. Need to do school run so can't post a long reply but I know just what you mean about "cherry picking" and "photos on mantelpiece" GPs. Sometimes it's not about the details of what they do with their GPs it's more about attitude/level of interest/support in times of need/not begrudging an hour's babysitting when asked etc etc. It's all about the relationship - or lack of it- they create with their grandkids and the details of what they do/don't do provide clues to this but don't tell the whole story.....I think I know where you're coming from and I think maybe the thread has gone off at a bit of a tangent with a few misunderstandings along the way.....

To the OP - YANBU but then neither are the GP's IMHO.

As others have said here; you simply cannot compare one set of GP's to another. All the wishful thinking in the world wont change who they are/ how they choose to live their life and engage with their grandchildren. There are plenty of situations in life where you can find aspects of your life frustrating if you keep comparing them to other peoples.

Accept that they are who they are. If they are prone to letting you down at the last minute (per the last xmas eve), then dont let your DC's know in advance that they are coming. My DS loves seeing his cousin brother, but I have learnt (due to some v. occasional last minute cancellations), not to tell him in advance. That way, if my DB is a no show, then DS is non the wiser. But once they show, he is over the moon.

It is your call entirely on whether you let them 'cherry pick', but I would let granny take your DD to the panto. I am sure your DD will love it.

Re. your question on what you do when they need you in the future. Why dont you cross that bridge when you come to it and deal with the here and now right now.

Itsallabitnoisy - nice compassion there, how lovely are you??! You've posted that you can see (from the little OP has written) why the PILs cancelled turning up on Christmas Eve at short notice. How rude are you?

Honestly that is just such a spiteful thing to say, the PILS cancelling at such short notice was horrible and really upset op's dd, yet you say you can see why they. Are you trying to give the op a complex??

I feel really sorry for those of you whose parents / pils don't give a shit. Its not nice and no matter what you say its not normal either. Op isn't expecting them to 'bail her out' she just thought that they would WANT to spend time with their grandchildren. For those who say she has a sense of entitlement and that if you thought she 'expected it' you wouldn't do it, how childish and spiteful do you sound?

Op - in what I would call normal nice happy families everyone helps out everyone else, same with friends too, not just families. And YANBU to be upset that your PILs dont seem to want to.

YABU to ask today's bunch of sanctimonious, bitter witches for their opinions.

Riven - gah! you put what I meant into about 400 less words! Exactly!

i agree riven, it's all very short sighted.

i fully expect to help my children for the rest of their lives... there's a difference between someone needing support and taking the piss.

surely a rational person can 'enjoy their retirement' and look after their grandchildren once in a while.

i don't think the OP's asking for them to provide childcare, just to be more present.

surely, when GPs are more frail and require support, help would be more forthcoming from younger generations if they've already forged a more supportive family environment.

I feel sorry for the OP and I think some people on this thread are being unnecessarily confrontational and unsympathetic. The OP had a close relationship with her 'nana' and thought that her PIL would also like a close relationship with their GC. It's not that surprising that she is a bit resentful, especially as she has lost both of her parents, who would probably loved to have seen their GC.

OP- we are in a similar situation to yourself. I think the best way to deal with it is to accept that things will not change. If their plans fit in with you, that's great, otherwise, just say no. Could you say to your MIL that you would love to go to the panto too and had been meaning to book it also. Suggest that you bring the baby and perhaps the two of you could share the childcare responsibilities for the baby if she is not happy during the show. Btw- you haven't mentioned your DP's feelings. What does he think about this?

Yes is it quite surprising when you have DC and the GP don't offer support. I'm starting to get used to it tho. They like to spend time with their GC, when it suits them. They spend money on the GC when it suits them. I don't use GP for babysitting, tho I definitely thought that I would, even DP's parents who encouraged him to have children would never come to our house to look after the children. Not very convenient, but life isn't is it?