DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

BlingLoving, I did not say that a man who went away for a weekend WOULD cheat sexually.
What I said was that a man going away for a weekend was at more risk of succumbing to temptation than a man going for a few drinks down his local pub.
There is a cocktail of risk factors in his path: Away from home, strip clubs, alcohol (maybe illicit drugs) other females who may also be drunk sharing accomodation.
Also, there is also the "what goes on in tour, stays on tour" mentality. That is, the implicit understanding that no man will "grass" on another man if he is unfaithful away from home.

The point here is that the OP SHOULD NOT have to leave her home with the DCs. Rather, her DP should check into a hotel for the weekend with his mates. He's being a twunt.

OP - just change your mind, he and his mates will be able to find a hotel.

i still dont understand why the op cant just say she has changed her mind and isnt going anywhere

Erm [cough], I'm the OP, don't get a chance to coem on here very often so only just noticed how this thread seems to have kicked off turned into an interesting discussion.

Back to the OP - thank you all for your comments and for helping me get an idea of who is being unreasonable (I think!)

I've had a big chat with DP (at first I got all upset and angry with him because I'd just read everyone on here saying he was being very unreasonable - DP then said 'oh, well I'll tell them not to come then' in a very sulky way much the same as he did the first time) but then we had a more reasoned discussion about it.

I think my main problem was being told about it rather than asked. And also since having DD I think I may be suffering some form of PND which means I am even more sensitive to things like mess and feeling out of control (I think someone said on here that I sound controlling - and I think you're right - at the minute anyway, not normally I hope, but that is part of the PND I think). DP admitted that he was especially out of order knowing how I'm feeling at the minute to ask them all to stay, particularly beacuse he knows when I get stressed/anxious I get really anal about tidiness, and really worried about packing things for the DCs and forgetting things, I've already started making lists!

But we've agreed that they will come - as its so close to the date, and also I don't want the friend I'm staying with to have to change plans again. But he knows how upset/stressed I'll be if the house isn't spotless when I get back!

OP - good for you for sticking up for yourself, but also being reasonable in light of the current situation. I think I would have done exactly the same. My main problem would also have been about being told and not asked. Glad you got it sorted.

Reasonable?! A man telling his partner and baby to vacate the home is reasonable?!
Germaine Greer you have failed!!!

"BlingLoving, I did not say that a man who went away for a weekend WOULD cheat sexually.
What I said was that a man going away for a weekend was at more risk of succumbing to temptation than a man going for a few drinks down his local pub."

Oh - my mistake then. Because of course we should all be doing whatever we can to keep temptation out of our DHs way because poor sweet little darlings that they are, they're likely to find themselves simply unable to control themselves when they are away from home or out with the boys and of course, it will inevitably lead to excessive alcohol, illicit drugs, strip clubs and sharing accomodation with other females, all of course leading to them cheating on us.

Talk about wrongly quoted!

I actually said that when you have small children you should enrich the whole family's life in your free time by spending your time together as a family.
Perhaps my perspective is skewed because when my dd was small my hubby was in the airforce and away quite a bit so any family time was precious, we certainly didn't want to spend our free time apart.

I still maintain that it's absolutely wrong to turf children out of their beds to enable grown( probably drunk) men to sleep in them.

If you didnt like the idea you shouldnt have agreed in the first place.

If dp wanted to go away for a 'lads' weekend, i would have no problem with that.

If he asked me and kids to leave the house, so he could have a lads weekend in it, i would tell him where to get off.

Tell them all to book into a hotel.

Agree totally with Reality - not cool.

thesecondcoming, I don't need your pity.
But I will say this: you know nothing of the male psyche.
Men can be wholly devoted to the women in their life and still cheat sexually, they have an ability to separate the sexual from the emotional.
Yes, a man can cheat but still consider himself devoted to his wife and family.
I doubt many men go out to INTENTIONALLY cheat as such but, by goodness, after a strip club, booze and flirty women it can be hard to refuse.
I can't speak for Germaine Greer, but I kind of think she'd agree with me on this one.

Undercovamutha, Do you seriously think that men who visit strip clubs are not sexually charged afterwards?

Some ladies here are making the mistake that men are just like them psychologially-they are wrong.

I agree with mens minds being totally different marantha but that is still no excuse.

He can think he is still totally devoted, but he would be wrong, and would need to learn that sharpish!

Well, then, thesecondcoming, I congratulate you: you have found a saint amongst men.

I seriously cannot understand the mindset that seeks to bring the issue of rape into the discussion: illicit, unfaithful, but 100% CONSENSUAL, sex between two adults has NOTHING to do with rape.

A man having consensual sex with a woman other than his wife is no saint, but he is NOT a rapist.
This is a dangerous road to go down.

Like I say, consensual sex is not rape. End of.

marantha - I think most men who visit strip clubs do NOT find themselves sexually charged afterwards actually. Most men who have been to one have done it only once or twice, have been trousered and out with a group of blokes in a similar state. Being superbly pissed and in a group of men would not I suggest get very many men going, irrespective of location.

I think you make the mistake of thiking men are the total opposite of you psychologically!

I'd trust my husband in any situation - a man will either cheat or he won't , being drunk and confronted with a half naked stripper won't make a decent man do something so out of character.
If I hadn't trusted my husband 100% during his 12 years in the forces, I'd have probably gone round the twist - as for things staying on tour, he told me everything, about everybody - I knew about the ones who were visiting prostitutes/being unfaithful etc. He actually made his mate tell his wife about the affair he was having and we put her up for a while after she left him.

I have to say my agreement with marantha has ended now, most men are fully in control of themselves , there are the ones who wouldn't say no, but there are a great number of them who would and do, even when it's offered on a plate.

If my husband went to a lap dance , he would be telling them to put them away, it's just not his thing.

OK, thesecondcoming, I didn't want to get personal with this but seeing as you wish to insult me I shall retaliate.
You were a single mum for ten years. Probably a bit bruised by the experience and of how unpleasant people can be. And by goodness people can be unpleasant about such things.
As a result, you've learnt to do things YOUR way. Good for you for gaining independence through difficult times. I respect that, truly I do. However, In order to maintain this "strong woman" persona that you have built up through the years you have to find a male who doesn't answer back too much and question your way of doing things and
authority or, perhaps, push you that little more so you actually become a genuine couple as opposed to two people sharing a house. (hence your disgust at the notion of what you term as being: "co-dependency").
God forbid that someone should come behind the wall you have built for yourself.

This is just completely mad.

OP
I am very glad that you and your DP have talked about the situation and that he realises what the problem is.

As I have said before, I do not think that he is an utter bastard in asking you to go away for the weekend. He was a bit insensitive to your feelings by telling you rather than asking, but you seem to have cleared that up. I am sure that he will leave everything tidy and clean, and hopefully as close as he can get to your standard.

I am soooo amazed at the rest of this thread.

I asked my DH to go away with the DC for the weekend so that I could have my friends around.

We drank, we sang, we had fun. If there was wanking in the kid's bed, they did not share that info with me.

When DH came back, the house was back to normal, the beds changed and everyone was happy.

It does not make me selfish or DH downtrodden.

As to the suggestion that a married person would not ask this of their partner. That is utter bollocks. A marriage licence does not make on into a saint, the amount of threads on here about spousal abuse shows that.

LOLOLing now.

Seriously, is it so hard to believe that a couple can be happy even though they still have their own friends and interests?

Hold on a minute now, thesecondcoming, I admire your ballbreaking tendencies. Goodness, your feistiness is admirable. You're rightly proud of yourself- and good for you.
I've seen it in friends of mine and I admire them greatly for pulling themselves out of- as you describe it- the "shitholes" they once lived in.
BUT I have noted one thing about such women: they keep the man in their life at arm's length.
We all, to some extent, make judgements on past experiences.
You are probably an excellent mum, I see no reason why a person like you should die alone.