DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

Fair comment, duchesse, but I don't honestly think that the men of today are any different to men in the 50s when it comes to being unfaithful. A lot of men will stray if they can get away with it. And this is as true of enlightened partners in modern reltionships as it was in old-fashioned husbands of the past.

But I DO think it is fair to say that society put an external pressure to support their wives and children and put a roof of their heads in the past regardless of sexual infidelity. I am not sure that that particular pressure is there anymore.

PigletMania - as I said earlier in the thread, I think the OPs DH has gone about the whole thing wrong, but I do believe that if he had properly involved the OP in the decision (e.g. discussed it with her BEFORE speaking to his mates) then he would not have been BU at all. And, I may be wrong, but surely he wouldn't have expected her to leave for the weekend if she had nowhere to go? Or maybe he would - if so he is BU.

Malificence - I agree that generally there is no downtime when you have young children, and that you must put them first. But is it really a problem to go away for the weekend (or even stay at home!) without your kids being there. I have been away overnight on my own twice since my DCs were born (the oldest is 3.5). I'm afraid I really don't think this is a problem, and I think it is a bit bizarre to suggest that it is. They don't seem to be emotionally scarred in anyway, and after all they were being looked after by their FATHER and not some random person I pulled off the street.

Marantha - I don't think the 1950s were any better. Would you rather that the OPs DH was down the pub a few times a week - as that was common in the 1950s. Cos I would much rather my DH was here every evening but occasionally went off on a saturday to do some sport.

TBH I am just glad I'm not married to any of the people who are suggesting that you must only mix with couples and must do ALL things as a complete family unit.

Just off to the pub now. Am sure the kids will be okay on their own - after all DH will be back at 6 and will be able to spend a few precious minutes with them before going to the local strip club!

Totally undercover there does not have appreared to be a discussion, just foisted upon her. If it was discussed beforehand she could have put up her reasons and views.

Well... have a nice wkend with your friend.
Can you ask him to return the favour in a few weeks and have the girls round for a Christmassy dinner and cocktail party?

Undercovamutha, Yes I would rather the OP's partner was down the pub a few times a week if the alternative is asking her and her baby to leave their home of a weekend.
Men enjoy spending time together drinking and discussing the day at work in the evening.
Strikes me that going down the pub to see other men (and this is another thing about men that women do not get: men go the pub by themselves not in a group but by themselves to see who is there and have informal chats with whoever happens to be there at the time. They're not like women in that they only feel safe in a pre-defined gang).
Give me a man that does this- it has got to be better than a bloke who goes and gets absolutely hammered and ventures into a strip joint.

I can assure you that I am not trying to wind you up, I don't even know you for goodness sake!
You DON'T think that men enjoying discussing their days with each other? Yes they do. Just like women like talking about their day with other women.
Anyone who thinks otherwise knows absolutely nothing about the male character.

thesecondcoming, your comments here do puzzle me, though. On one hand you don't want a girl to wander "cow-eyed" around a man but at the same time offence is somehow taken by a (harldy offensive I would have thought) suggestion that a man should want to spend some time alone down the pub with other men. Puzzling.

Well I am glad that you let your partner have the same freedom as you do your daughter.
It is good that you give him the freedom not to be lobotomised by virtue of having a partner and that he is free to go down the pub whenver he wants.

Not had time to read all the responses, I don't think yabu but at the same time I think it could work well for you both, you have a nice weekend away with friend and make it crystal clear that you're doing him a massive favour and that you expect the bedding to be washed and replaced on the beds by the time you get back and the house in a decent state, tell him if he takes the pi** then it wont be happening again, as it stands, he already owes you one.

Re the stripper, tell him you'll have spies keeping an eye on themfind out if he lies and there will be consequences.

OP YANBU!

If he had consulted you beforehand and asked
respectively then fair enough but the fact is he didn't... he acted like a spoilt brat by throwing it on you expecting you to obey and throwing a tantrumwhen you didn't.

BUT since you have said yes now it's all set so just make it clear you are not happy about how the situation was played out and next time you would like a bit of notice and in return he can take the kids whilst you go for some relaxation time with your friends

Also let him know that you don't want to come back to mounds of washing and mess everywhere aftre all it is a family home not a batchelor pad

Re the stripper if he knows you were upset then you can only assume he won't do it again but if he does... what you don't know won't hurt it's not like he's cheating.

Try not to worry and turn the weekend into a good thing for you and the DC's

On reflection, it strikes me that the concept of a middle ground has now gone out of the window in this fair country of ours.
Either a bloke is going out to get absolutely hammered and his other half (I'm through with this partner/wife business) is worrying that he is s*g some stripper OR he has to be tied to his other half having "meaningful" discussions all the time in some claustrophobic environment where he is not really permitted to socialise with other men over half a pint of lager.
Where is the middle way?

Marantha you said 'If a person does want freedom and total independence they should not have children.
It's NOT the selfish people who remain CHILDLESS and have an absolute promiscuous ball that irritate me- good luck to them, it's the selfish people who chooose to reproduce!

But yet you seem to be saying its fine for a man with a family to pop off down the pub on his own whenever he wants.

It seems to me like you have some very contradictory views, although bizarrely I seem to disagree with both sets of them !

Undercovamutha, I don't quite know what it is with this site; it seems to me that a lot of the time here only two sorts of men are written about:
Child-men who won't commit to their partners who love their little x-boxes and strip joints.
and
Men who are completely under their wives'/partners' thumb (I will refrain from using the more coarse phrase for such men).

Men enjoy going to the pub for a few pints and socialising with other men- it's what they like doing.
To suggest that a man going to meet other men in a pub on a saturday afternoon to watch an International rugby match between England and Australia is as bad as a man asking his partner and baby to leave the house so he can have a few mates around for the entire weekend is ridiculous.

Book them all into a Travelodge and present it as a special treat.

"Men enjoy going to the pub for a few pints and socialising with other men- it's what they like doing."

me too

You know what? Any man (married or not) who expects the mother of his child and his small child to leave their home so he can have his mates around is a shit. There is no two ways about it.
The naivety of some here takes my breath away.
Yes, I would rather my other half go to the pub to watch rugby on a saturday afternoon than go away for the weekend and get hammered with his friends.
What do you think happens when men get hammered and naked women are about? They get turned-on.
Men do not view strip joints in the same way as women i.e. a bit of a laugh. It is sexually arousing for them.
People let their hair down away from regular partner, get drunk and if someone of the opposite sex takes a fancy to them and -with the best will in the world- people can succumb as their resistance is low owing to alcohol consumed.
Yet letting your man go and do this for the weekend instead of having a few pints down the pub is somehow more acceptable and less risky?!

Marantha - you seem to be getting awfully worked up by this and you claim not to understand how MN only has two versions of men ie very good or very bad but you are perpetuating that yourself. FFS, if DH goes off for a boys weekend, I am not going to assume that they're automatically cruising strip clubs, getting turned on and potentially cheating on me. Frankly, it's far more likely they'll all get over excited, drink/smoke too much and land up in some hilarious coffee shop or bar until the early hours solving the world's problems. I can go out on the lash and no one assumes I'm picking up men, so why on earth do you assume the worst of our husbands when they do it?

And was it you or someone else who said that when you have small children you should spend all your time enriching their lives. Well, I need a new emoticon for that . I guess that makes my best friend who's six month old is regularly left with her sister or with a baby sitter for a few hours while she goes out with her husband, or comes to meet me for dinner or lunch. She also regularly leaves the baby at home with her DH while she goes out to do something else. I guess she's a bad mother because she's not spending evrey second with her baby?

It's comments like this that scare me. Especially because all these people think they're being more "traditional" when in fact that's rubbish. In a "traditional" relationship, there were lots of things men and women did seperately including social activities.

Umm...my best friend is not 6 months... her DS is!