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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

269 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 09:54

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 10:21

it wasn't the last minute MrsB, the OP had already agreed to this arrangement some time before

she is now getting last-minute wobbles, because it is next weekend

she should never have agreed in the 1st place

Stayingsunnygirl · 09/11/2009 10:22

I disagree with those who say you should send him to a hotel for a weekend.

I think that you and the dcs should go to a hotel for the weekend - pick somewhere nice, within a reasonable drive, and spend the weekend with someone else doing the cooking and clearing up. Maybe even book a babysitter from the hotel so you can nip down to the spa for a massage (did I mention making sure the hotel had a spa).

Hopefully then you'll come home refreshed, having had a good time, and built up by some nice cooked breakfasts and lovely meals.

ErikaMaye · 09/11/2009 10:23

Totally agree with Reality - I couldn't have put it quite so well though!

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 10:32

With the strip club thing I have already asked him if they're planning on going and he said no. But he is hardly likely to tell the truth knowing that I wouldn't approve. So if I ask him after the weekend whether they went, he's bound to say they just had a few quiet drinks and were home, sober, in bed by 11pm.

Thats why I don't know how to tackle it. And because I've agreed already I can't really start having a go at him now its so close to the weekend. I wouldn't want to be in the house with four men plus the DCs to look after to be honest, there just wouldn't be room and I wouldn't be able to get anything done for the DCs with people in the way.

Staying with my friend will be nice, so I know my weekend will be ok. She has a DD too so we can go out and do things with the DCs. Its just the principle of it and DP thinking its not a problem at all.

OP posts:
RealityBites · 09/11/2009 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsBadger · 09/11/2009 10:39

ok not 'at the last minute' but inviting the people before clearing it with each other.

ErikaMaye · 09/11/2009 10:40

Its always easier to say than do, unfortunately

OP, even if you don't change your plans for this weekend, I really hope you can take some of what has been said as a guide line for the future. And I hope you have a lovely weekend with your friend. Be sure to kick up a right storm if you come home to find the house a mess!! And if he does go to the strip club... Well. Hell hath no furry and all that...

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/11/2009 10:46

Tell him the house has to be spotless, and if his standards are different from yours (does he do any housework usually? My money's on not), send bedding and towels out to be laundered and bring in specialist cleaning firm. And give him the bill, with the words "This is not an hotel".
When are you planning a similar weeked, btw? Best give him time to arrange a place to stay with the kids.

Jackstini · 09/11/2009 10:47

YANBU but it would be hard to back out now. Bet you will never agree to it again!

You do though need to leave him with a set of rules:
No strip clubs
All beds to be changed, linen washed and beds remade
House cleaned from top to bottom
A very lovely dinner waiting for you when you get home!
Also make sure anything precious of DCs is out of the way just in case.

It wouldn't harm to tell him all your friends think you are mad, they would never do it for their dhs and does he realise exactly how lucky he is????!!!

When you feel ready, get him to take the kids away and you can have your friends over for a girls spa treatment/wine weekend....

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 09/11/2009 10:47

You have asked your DH if he is going to a strip club and you are not sure if he is telling the truth???? Well, i suppose the same could be said if you asked him if he is likely to be shagging someone else in your bed this weekend to then. You have FOUR children and he has even contemplated this shows a total and utter disrespect for you and his children.

Sorry, but your DH is a PIG!!

FWIW i wouldnt mind my DP having a private dance, it wouldnt bother me in the slightest, so long as he told me about it - wed probably have a good laugh over it, but he if didnt tell me and i found out - he would very quickly become my EX DP.

fernie3 · 09/11/2009 10:50

YANBU how would he react if you told him you were having a load of friends round to go to see make strippers for a private dance and told him to take the kids away for the weekend?

fernie3 · 09/11/2009 10:50

male not make lol

Joanna103 · 09/11/2009 10:50

Seems like you need to sit him down, have a conversation and set out your minimum expectations which he must adhere to. You need to decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't beforehand so you yourself are clear on what you would find acceptable. There seems to have been not enough communication here and he may not realise how upset you are. It is easy to get carried away when discussing these things with his friends and he may just not have thought of your side of things. I don't see it would necessarily be wrong to leave the house for the weekend providing you are both making sure you are doing something that works for you and the kids and you don't come back and find you have to clear up the mess. Could be a win-win situation and you could enjoy your weekend away not looking after him...

Fabster · 09/11/2009 10:58

What Reality said.

Plus, you are allowed to change your mind you know.

He can change the weekend. If they are only going to be playing computer games in the house then they can do that any weekend.

It is not on, he is a prick, and you need to tell him no way.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 11:00

ijustwanttoaskaquestion - we only have two DCs - did I say four?! (not that it makes a difference! )

The difference between me and DP is that I don't actually WANT to leave my children for the weekend. Well, clearly I would love for him to take them away and me relax all weekend but it doesn't work like that because DD is so young and I don't like leaving her (I already have to leave her when I go to work so I really value the time I have at weekends with her and DS). And I would just worry about them and miss them too much.

DP is actually very good with the DCs and he does do things around the house (nowhere near as much as I do because he just doesn't notice if the sheets need changing, or if the floor needs vacuuming) but if I say it needs doing he will do it. And he hardly ever goes out because he is always working. I go out probably once every three/four weeks for a drink or something to eat with my friends on an evening, its never a late one and I always go out once the DCs are in bed. DP doesn't ever do this, so its only fair that he sees his friends, but his way of doing it just seems a bit extreme.

OP posts:
Morloth · 09/11/2009 11:08

I wouldn't have agreed to this in the first place (and DH wouldn't have asked!).

But if by chance I did, I would have booked myself and DC's into a very nice hotel for the weekend and expected the house to be spotless on my return or we would be getting a cleaner in.

Von Essen Hotels are nice - go ahead and book yourselves in there and give DP the bill.

Bumperlicioso · 09/11/2009 11:24

Um, I've asked DH if next month he would take DD to stay at his mum's while my best friend comes down to stay and we have a child free night and morning. Is that unreasonable? In fairness we won't be going to a strip club though, we might go to pizza express then go back to mine for wine, ice cream and a Sex and the City marathon

The question is, would he do the same thing for you?

clam · 09/11/2009 11:24

How, exactly, are you going to know if they've been to a strip club? They're hardly likely to tell you, are they, specially after last time.

And what do you mean by "If they do, I will not be happy" Do you think that "threat" will deter him if his mates are pressing him?

Btw, sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I totally think YANBU. Unfortunately, I also think it's too late to really do anything about it now. Next time (if there is one!) post just as you've said no and he's sulking about it. We'll be right there to give him the virtual kicking he needs.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 09/11/2009 11:25

hmmm, you go for a few drinks and a meal with your friends, and he gets to go on a whole weekend bender, complete with strip club? Blimey, i cant remember the last time i went out - i must be due for a fecking week of debauchery then!

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/11/2009 11:35

Iwould - Look you've agreed, and you don't feel you can change your mind now so i think you need to start looking at getting some agreements from your dp. I would expect a little treat to be waiting for you when you get back as well.

Only you know if you can trust him, he is an adult and will make his own decisions. Maybe you should treat him like that and ensure he knows your expectations without treating him like a child.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/11/2009 11:38

He is being totally unreasonable, and frankly, it worries me that you didn't realise it when the idea came up. I'm not blaming you for this, but it does suggest that maybe he does quite a lot of selfish things so you can't see the wood for the trees ......

It's his method I have a problem with. He should have realised that what he's asking is an enormous ask, but instead he leaves it to you to find out what he'd got planned, and arrange it yourself. That's, at the very least spineless and childish.

Bumperlicioso. YANBU - you asked your DH, OPs DH left her to work it out herself.

OP You can change your mind, and I think you should.

Rollmops · 09/11/2009 11:54

Where do people dig out such lowlifes one wonders. And that means, naturally, that YANBU, however, YABU for keeping an oaf like that in the first place.

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2009 11:57

Can't your friend suddenly have "An emergency crop up" meaning you can't stay?

Personally I would not have agreed to it in the first place but you have and the only way out of it is to lie find an excuse.
If he knows you don't agree to a strip club you are right he won't admit it. When dp mentioned a few of the lads were going and he was curious as to whether I would mind...I replied "No tell you what we have some spare time lets go now" he looked at me rather shocked and then said "Ok I get your point it is a stupid thing for a man my age to want to do" he has never mentioned them since and tbh has no chance to go now as we have 2 ds's and we mainly go out together.

I cannot believe he expects you to take the dc away to cater for him, I would be telling him that you are staying and while his mates are welcome to stay they can bring sleeping bags and kip on the floor/sofa/dog basket/shed. And that you expect them to respect the fact you have young dc and not to be noisy twats when they come home.

Pitchounette · 09/11/2009 11:57

Message withdrawn

Vallhala · 09/11/2009 12:15

What a thoughtless, immature, disrespectful, devious tosspot!

Why not phone one/all of his friends and tell them that their booking at Hotel iwouldgoouttonight is cancelled AS neither ou nor your children are going to be ousted from your own home o make room for grown men who wish to play games and slobber over lapdancers (or anything else).

That way YOU take control over what goes on in YOUR and your children's home and by the time your DP finds out it will be a fait accompli.

Otherwise I think we'll see you on here in a few weeks time with another concern about your DPs manipulative behaviour.