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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

269 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 09:54

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

OP posts:
Leeka · 09/11/2009 22:30

So strange, all these posters saying 'get him to pay for a cleaner/nanny' and 'give him the bill for a nice hotel' - surely any money spent in this way comes from a joint pot of a married couple, they'd be paying for it together.

I think the trust issues are a problem, if you can't trust him not to lie about lap dancing or meat eating it would be a concern.

But hopefully, you'll go away with the kids and have a nice time, and if you show him this thread before you go, he'll have an idea of what he needs to do, cleaning-wise, before you get back!

jasper · 09/11/2009 22:37

" Also post-its on everything you don't want them to touch/break etc. Polite notices in DCs rooms eg "this is a childrens room please don't vomit/w**k in here (use your own house)!"
Plus list of rules for the weekend "

Please tell me that was a joke. The OP would come across as a neurotic loonball.

Would you find it acceptable for a man to leave notes on everything his wife and her friends were not to touch?

jasper · 09/11/2009 22:38

leeka I wondered that too.

Incredible sexist double standards being displayed on this thread

chalky3 · 09/11/2009 23:10

You probably shouldn't have agreed to this in the first place but I understand how you felt when he started sulking-he doesn't see these friends very often and it would be your fault that they couldn't come and stay if you said no-so you unwillingly agreed to it. It wouldn't be reasonable to call it off now so all you can do is continue with the arrangements you've made but make it clear what you expect from him with regards to cleaning the house and his behaviour while his friends are there. After it's all over tell him that he must speak to you first about things like this before arranging them and be honest with yourself and him in future.

I have had similar problems with DH in the past, he never ceases to amaze me with what he doesn't consider to be unreasonable behaviour which to me is off the scale!
I'd had enough of his friends decending on us so I told him to go away to a hotel if they fancy a lads weekend, this year he's been away four times! Now I'm annoyed about that, no wonder men think women are hard work!

However, men are simple creatures so if you tell him how you feel and what you expect in future he should listen and it wont happen again.

Enjoy your weekend with your friend and try not to think about your DP and his friends!

2rebecca · 10/11/2009 00:05

Agree the cleaner would probably come out of the joint account, but if my bloke was likely to make a mess (although he's usually tidier than me) I'd still want him organising a cleaner rather than expecting me to do it. A couple of hours isn't that much for domestic harmony.

AmericanHag · 10/11/2009 00:06

Oh, forget what I was gonna say, just do what RealityBites said.

And don't agree to this sort of stuff ever again, of course.

marantha · 10/11/2009 17:33

Are you actually married to this chap? I know I am being politically incorrect here but I cannot help but feel that a MARRIED man would NOT be asking his WIFE to leave the house of a weekend. It wouldn't be on somehow.

pigletmania · 10/11/2009 17:44

I know that some of the posters think that the partners behaviour is acceptable and normal as they themselves do that kind of thing, but to me its not plain and simple! My dh would never ever do that kind of thing, i had to practically force him to go to his friends stag do, as he is a bit of a homebody, and never would he expect me to do that kind of thing.

duchesse · 11/11/2009 09:06

All I can think is that some of your partners must be man-children if you feel you have to treat them like this. I don't know anybody in RL who feels they have to treat their husband quite so patronisingly. I'm amazed.

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 09:21

No it comes down to respect plain and simple! IMO it is totally disrespectful for the dp to want to take over the house with his friends and expect the op and her kids to move out. He should be courteous enough to make other accomodation arrangements for himself and his friends he cannot have his cake and eat it i am afraid its just not on. No my dh is no a man child, he is kind respectful and decent.

lou33 · 11/11/2009 09:26

I am of the opinion that the op has really brought this situation on herself tbh

it is not unreasonable of him to ask her to do as he did, but she didnt have to say yes, and she can change her mind at any point, if she feels for whatever reason it has been forced upon her

just tell him you are now not going away , his friends can either bring sleeping bags and camp in your living room, they can go to a hotel, or cancel

RealityBites · 11/11/2009 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 11/11/2009 09:30

and if he is going to sulk and generally act like a kid having a tantrum to get his own way, then treat him like one, and just say no you arent going, end of story, and stay firm

let him sort it out from there

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 09:31

I would have said a big fat NO!!!! and would have been galled at the cheek of him tbh

pithyslicker · 11/11/2009 09:31

If you don't want to go say no.

But if he wants to eat meat in the house he can and should, If he wants to wash the bed sheets when he wants to he can,if he wants to empty the cat litter when he wants to he can.

In response to an earlier thread, do people really tell their DH to fuck off?

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 11/11/2009 10:15

No we're not married.

OP posts:
Malificence · 11/11/2009 12:27

Duchesse - any man who would expect this to be a reasonable request deserves to be treated like a child, it is utterly unreasonable. You don't turf your wife and kids out to make room for your mates, you just don't.

My hubby also has friends from all over the country , he would never even think of asking me to leave MY home in order that his friends could take over my house. On the rare occassion they do meet up, it's normally at an event, they all went to Le Mans with their tents one year and last year they stayed on a RAF camp for someone's leaving do - my hubby was invited to stay at someone's house but didn't want to put them out. Thankfully he hasn't got any friends who think that getting wasted/ a strip club is necessary for a good night out!

duchesse · 11/11/2009 13:29

I guess my friends and I must be a bunch of prize bitches then if we think nothing of expecting the husband of the hosting friend to clear off for the weekend with the children... I don't think our husbands think we are though.

And yes, we are all married, not that that makes any difference imo.

Fibilou · 11/11/2009 13:35

I'm not going to get into the YABU/YANBU because frankly I think there are elements of both.

But, as a compromise relating to the cleaning issue, what about getting him to pay for a cleaner to come in the day after the weekend to give it a nice spring clean for you ? Wouldn't cost much and would mean you won't have to stress about the cleaning you're bound to be left with

Malificence · 11/11/2009 13:49

Perhaps I'm old fashioned and out of touch then, I don't think it's fair or right for someone to send their family away from home ( that goes doubly when there is a baby involved) so they can have a get together with friends. But then I don't have any friends that I'd want to spend a whole weekend with anyway.
I just don't get the whole "couples having seperate friends/separate lives" thing.

thesecondcoming · 11/11/2009 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 14:01

Duchesse fair enough, but your dh/dp should be able to do the same thing too, invite his friends over and expect you and your dcs to leave the house for a while, it should be a mutual arrangement that both people are happy with.

Fibilou · 11/11/2009 14:02

And to the posters that say "it's all joint money", I presume you all have an amount of money you are able to spend on yourself per month ?
Presumably he will be taking money out of the joint account to spend on booze, takeaway, stripper etc so he can spend the lapdance money on a cleaner instead. Maybe one in a frilly skirt

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 14:06

No thesecondcoming totally not! What the ops partner did imo was disrespctful and discoutious (sp) expecting her and her young kids to leave the house so that he could have an almighty piss up with his mates, i am sorry but i am old fashioned i do expect respect and courtesy from my dh and i give that back too. Its not good to live out of each others pockets and to be joined at the hip, but its also lovely to have that certain intimacy and closeness that a relationship brings. When people start to do things without their dp/dh than whats the point of being in a relationship!

Fibilou · 11/11/2009 14:09

Thesecondcoming, I entirely agree with you. DH and I have joint friends and our own friends. We're very different people, he finds my friends very dull and I find his mates too raucous. So I see my friends mainly on my tod and he goes out wiht his mates on his own. Then we can both relax without thinking that the other person is having a beastly time.

We are both very independant and I have always been of the school of thought that I don't need him, but him being around makes my life a lot better. We certainly don't live in each others' pockets and I do wonder why (especially young women) seem to be so willing to give up their own identities and interests in order to form a "unit".