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Original poster

DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

269 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 09:54

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 09/11/2009 15:45

A hotel stay on your own with tinies is no fun at all and bluddy expensive IMO. Obviously that would be necessary if the OP did not have any family or friends that she would enjoy staying with - but she has. Just work out how you are going to get a nice break in return OP - better than you and DH getting all put out with one-another. Life's too stressful to fight over the small stuff....

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 16:14

I think the meat thing is just another trust issue really. I've always been veggie, DP wasn't when I met him but when we cooked together he didn't eat meat. Then he decided he wanted to be veggie too, I didn't pressure him, I don't care what he eats! But its the fact that he lies to me about it. I know he eats meat but whenever I've asked him, just in a joking way, like 'you wouldn't believe what I just found in the top of the kitchen bin, a pepperami wrapper, have you given into your meat cravings, ha ha', etc he just makes up a lie and says it wasn't his, or it must have been there since before he gave up meat (two years ago!)

So I think I'm more annoyed about that than the fact that they might be cooking meat. Although I'm not keen on using the grill if its got bacon juice all over it.

OP posts:
duchesse · 09/11/2009 16:34

Not read the thread only the OP, but

Weeell, my university girlfriends and I meet like that every so often, and I have to say that we do kind of expect her DH and children to clear off for the weekend, which he very sweetly does.

I can't say I'd be overjoyed about them going to watch women degrading themselves for cash, but that is rather up to their individual consciences really, as long as they don't actually bring any ladies of ill repute back to your house or pick anybody up then I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. I'd also be mighty pissed off of they got totally trashed and vomited all over the house but again if he successfully clears up and you never know about it I can't see the problem really.

noddyholder · 09/11/2009 16:35

Why can't they go to a hotel? Or rent a holiday appt for the weekend not too expensive if between 4. My dp has friends round and to stay and I don't go antwhere.Why can't you all be in the house?

edam · 09/11/2009 16:42

Am with you on the veggie thing - I am, dh is not, but if I left him to his own devices for a weekend, I bet he'd leave the grill covered in horrible meat fat. Yuck. So make cleaning up an even bigger condition, mention the meat issue.

2rebecca · 09/11/2009 17:00

I think if one of a couple is veggie then insisting the other never eats meat in the house or cooks on the joint cooking pans is very controlling.
If things are washed properly I don't see the problem.

BlingLoving · 09/11/2009 18:07

you are clearly convinced your DH lies to you on a regular basis - about eating meat, going to strip bars etc. Either there is reason to worry about this or you are unnecessarily controlling. Is he a compulsive liar and therefore someone you should consider not being with? or are you a control freak so he lies to keep the peace? Or is he in fact not a liar at all?

To me it looks like you're trying to make him into the bad guy because you're annoyed that you have to go away for the weekend. But as already agreed, you shouldn't have said yes in the first place.

And if you are concerned about your standards and his being different, this is the point at which you say, "In this instance, MY standards have to apply which means ALL the bedding is changed before I get back and the kitchen is spotless - if you cook anything, including meat, please be sure that not just the pots and pans but the oven/grill is cleaned and that meat product mess is taken out before I return"

Divatheshopaholic · 09/11/2009 18:40

I agree BlingLoving, i posted earlier this morning. Asking you and kids go away to have lads night in is away oput of order.
Then again, reading your posts. I agree you sounds like trying to take control over him. After all relationship is giving out and giving in. The whole meat thing is odd. Seems like he does lie regular basis just to be himself.
You got to look into your relationship deep.

edam · 09/11/2009 18:43

Oh Lord, this thread is going to divert into how unreasonable vegetarians are and how awful it is of them to feed their kids vegetarian food, like dozens of threads in the past...

Don't know why but there is always lots of hostility to vegetarians on MN. Quite odd, don't see it IRL.

GibbonInARibbon · 09/11/2009 18:52

Did you not know edam? We are evil incarnate to most meat eaters

edam · 09/11/2009 18:57

Apparently so. Not eating meat seems to really offend omnivores, somehow. Not sure how that works - could understand it if veggies were attacking meat-eaters but it seems to be the other way round on MN.

Northernlurker · 09/11/2009 18:58

Your partner has asked you to move out for the weekend so he can have a lads weekend? And you've agreed?

Ok - get a grip woman - no way should you and your wee ones be pushed out so they can get smashed and pretend they're single - and I dodn't believe for a second that a strip club - or worse - won't be involved! He can tell his mates to book a hotel like normal people would!

edam · 09/11/2009 18:59

although oddly special diets for religious reasons seem to be OK and no-one is allowed to criticise (not that I would but YKWIM, striking differences between the respect shown to religious beliefs and non-religious.

piscesmoon · 09/11/2009 19:12

Don't be a door mat-you don't want to do it, so say 'no'. Don't feel guilty.

dittany · 09/11/2009 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 19:21

Dittany, she did agree even though she was pushed into it

she gave tacit approval by not speaking up effectively at the time

I assume she had the opportunity to put her foot down, but caved when faced with sulking

now that is unacceptable, but she has said herself that she agreed to it

he is wrong, but tbh, she has herself to blame for the situation she is in (but not to blame for his selfishness, that is all his own...)

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2009 19:44

I'm sensing a soapbox moment ref the vegetarianism thing. I'm all for it and fine with vegetarian parents bringing their kids up in the same way as they have to cook for them. Just that OP seemed to be the only truly vegetarian parent and was worried about partner eating meat in their own space (i.e their car) or when she wasn't in the house - surely adults can make their own choices? But indeed the real issue here is trust and mutual respect.

GibbonInARibbon · 09/11/2009 21:46

Hear, Hear edam.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/11/2009 21:53

I've kicked DH out suggested to DH that he might like to take the children to visit his parents before. Ususally because I have a work thing, which sounds like rather less fun than the OP's DH has planned.

I would be incredibly miffed at the private dance thing though. Ugh.

jasper · 09/11/2009 22:03

why have none of the "your dh is an immature fuckwit" camp replied to the female posters here who have asked their partners to move out and take the kids so they can have a girls' night in peace?

I don't think it is that big a deal. I do know how annoying it feels though to agree to something in advance than when the time comes, realising you are not happy about it.

My dh does not have many male friends but if he wanted the house to himself for a get together with those friends he does have I would happily ship out .

He would do the same for me.

Louise0212 · 09/11/2009 22:07

He seriously expects you to go and stay in a hotel...with a 9 month old???

OK, if he's going to pay for a nanny to accompany you.

Otherwise, I'd tell him where to put his playstation.

TBH, I can't even believe you've needed to post this question on here to work out what is unreasonable...

Louise0212 · 09/11/2009 22:13

Jasper - if I wanted a girls' night out, I would think it only fair I take myself out and have fun - not expect DH and DS to leave THEIR house. I would think it a (reasonable) favour if DH were happy to look after DS all weekend and let me go off for some peace & quiet - and I would do the same thing for him. But expect to empty out the house to turn it into a play den...? - I don't think so.

TBH, I wouldn't have expected DH to ask me to go away if he wanted to do something (or vice versa) even before we had kids, never mind with a baby in tow.

Vallhala · 09/11/2009 22:16

Jasper, the difference here is that the female posters who ask their DPs to vacate the family home don't appear to be expecting them to take a baby with them when they are already knackered because of sleepless nights. Nor do they seem to have arranged it with their friends THEN told their DPs what they'd planned. It just seems to me that there is little give and take here and that the proposal is disrespectful to the lady of the house and mother of this man's children.

On another note, the more I think of pissed men sleeping in the DCs beds, the more my stomach churns. I'm not a "clean-freak" (you can't be with 2 flaming great dogs in the house who sleep where they like!), but this is a step too far imho.

edam · 09/11/2009 22:17

Sparkle - don't think OP is objecting to her partner cooking meat, just suspects that he won't clear up properly afterwards. And as a veggie, I can tell you that a grill full of old animal fat really really turns my stomach.

jasper · 09/11/2009 22:25

valhalla, some of the female posters' dhs DID take the kids away - sunshineontoast also has a 9mo. WOuld you think it fair if mr sunshines mates called sunshine lowlife, prick, twat, wanker for expectting him to vacate?

I know for a fact my dh would have taken my kids at any age in order to let me and my friends relax in our comfortable , centrally located home. A hotel is not the same thing at all.

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