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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

269 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 09:54

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2009 12:39

So he wants you out of the house with the children so he can play the bachelor for the weekend without his family cramping his style, and so they can see strippers without you making min feel guilty?

Super.

Malificence · 09/11/2009 12:44

It's sounds as if the OP has dug herself a hole she feels she can't get out of by agreeing in the first place - I've got the perfect get out clause, you can't go anywhere if you or one of the kids has "swine flu" now, can you?
I don't think it would be unreasonable to fake illness to stop him in his tracks, in fact it would be perfect if he also spent all weekend running around looking after you while you lie in bed, smirking - it would be his comeuppance for even thinking of doing something so selfish and thoughtless.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that decent men don't behave like this.

Why do people choose such useless gibbons as a partner and father of their children.

shockers · 09/11/2009 13:00

It's your home and he's not single... tell him to grow up.

Divatheshopaholic · 09/11/2009 13:03

yes, tell him grow up.
his friends can stay in hotel, if they desperate for meet up.

LovestheChaos · 09/11/2009 13:08

Wow. What a fucking bastard. He wants to kick you out to have some fun while your exhausted ass deals with the little ones all by yourself.

You would think that any grown man would understand that a woman with a little baby feels insecure and vulnerable about her body and that it is just a wee bit cruel to throw her out so he and his friends can drool over a perfectly fit stripper. Who would want to humiliate the mother of their child like that? He shouldn't even want to do it, and if he loved and respected his dc and their mother he wouldn't even want to do it.

I would leave and let him do it and then arrange some kind of major pranks while he and his friends were in the house. I'd send gay male strippers around etc christ I would do all sorts.

Then I would leave him.

MmeLindt · 09/11/2009 13:14

Hmm, I am not of the same opinion as most of the posters.

I invited 6 friends to come and stay for a weekend and asked DH if he would mind going away for the weekend so that we could have the house.

He went to a campsite about an hours drive away and they all had a great time. As did I. It was such a fun weekend.

I don't think that he is being unreasonable to ask and since you have agreed it would be unfair to back out now.

BUT

He has to tidy up the house, and do the extra laundry so that you are not coming back to a pigsty.

thedollshouse · 09/11/2009 13:15

I can't believe that your partner expects his family to move out of the family home whilst he has a piss up with his friends.

Tell him you have changed your mind and you don't feel like it. They will have to rearrange their plans but at least he will realise that he can't walk all over you like that.

LovestheChaos · 09/11/2009 13:17

But MMeLindt was your DH already exhausted caring for a young baby and did you have strippers in the house waving their bits in your face?

From the sounds of it, OP's OH isn't going to do much in the way of cleaning up either and it will probably all get left to her.

lizziemun · 09/11/2009 13:20

I'm sorry but i think yabu. He arranged with you weeks ago and now you want to back out.

FWIW my DH and his freinds do this 2 or 3 times a year. They come to us as we have the bigger house for the weekend and me and 3 dc (5.5yrs, 2yrs and 7mths) go to my mums for the weekend.

They play their WOW and Poker and go to the local casino.

Ripeberry · 09/11/2009 13:21

Stand your ground, tell him tonight that you and the kids are staying put and tell him to go somewhere with his mates.
What is he going to do? Chuck you all out on Friday night?
Also show him this thread!

MmeLindt · 09/11/2009 13:21

Well, DH does have a stressful job and relies on the weekends to relax. Perhaps not comparible to the stress of life with two small DC but it was still hard work for him.

He did say that he understands how hard it must be for single parents, and now is more understanding when he comes home and I am knackered.

I guess the question for the OP is, whether she gets some time alone? If her DP would be willing to look after the DC for an evening/weekend so that she could go alone to visit friends/go shopping/see a film.

2rebecca · 09/11/2009 13:38

Him inviting his friends before discussing it with you was unreasonable and if that were me that alone would have made me refuse to leave the house and insist he goes to a hotel and takes his gaming stuff with him. There are self catering cottages you can rent for the weekend as well.
You agreed to it though and now you are stuck with it and have to just insist on getting a cleaner for a few hours if on your return the place is messy.
To me the stripper thing is irrelevent, but some women get more worked up about that sort of thing than others. A prostitute would be a definite no, but I don't see a one off stripper visit as something that would affect our relationship, although I couldn't see myself living with someone who regularly visited strippers or watched porn. It's all a bit seedy and yuk. I would have no respect for him.

branflake81 · 09/11/2009 13:41

I think it's rather unreasonable on his part to ask you to go BUT you did agree to it and I can see he would be pissed off if you backed out now. I think you need to honour your agreement and then never do it again!

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 13:43

I think YABU because you agreed to it and now you are getting upset. However, I think perhaps you have more of an issue with what he might get up to with his friends than the sleeping arrangements.

Really I think you need to sort out the issues you have RE trusting him not to behave in a certain way.

As far as the washing goes you need to stand over him while he does it rather than just let him get away with not doing it properly.

LovestheChaos · 09/11/2009 13:44

She only reluctantly agreed to it because he guilted her into and sulked when she hesitated.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 13:48

She still agreed to go though. I think the time to have the conversation about it was back then. I do know how hard that can be though. Maybe get the weekend out of the way and then start afresh with a set of ground-rules for any future weekends, including a rule that he take the kids away sometimes so she can have a break.

JodieO · 09/11/2009 13:49

Agree with what Reality said. No way would I agree to this but even if I did that doesn't mean I couldn't change my mind. Tell him no and let them sleep elsewhere. Don't listen to any guild trips, he should feed guilty for asking you to go away with your dcs in the first place. I can't believe he sulked to get his own way, how old is he? This alone would make it absolutely fine for you to change your mind imo as you didn't really agree in the first place, you were cornered into it.

I wouldn't have other people sleeping in my childrens' beds either. I'd put money of them visiting a lap dancing place and as someone else said, imagine what they'd get up to when they got home, shudder.

I also agree with the poster that said lap dancing club would be a deal breaker, it would to me too, especially if there were private dances involved and dp knew how I felt about it. A lot of them actually offer more and how many men would be saying no after they'd had the woman grinding naked in their face?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 13:52

whoa !!

who mentioned strippers in the house ???

let's not get carried away now.....

allaboutme · 09/11/2009 13:53

It was reasonable of him to ask (he should have asked before he agreed his friends could stay though!!) and that was the point you should have said 'i really dont want to, i am exhausted and cant face a long drive and a weekend without my home comforts, but I will do it IF....' and list all the things he needed to do to help, including heliping you sort out your trip, cleaning house before and after the guys visit to your standards etc.
Now you've agreed and its imminent you cant really pull out, but do tell him you are really not looking forward to the stress and exhaustion of it all and lay down rules about him cleaning up after them all properly!

JodieO · 09/11/2009 13:59

Was that to me AF? As I didn't mention that...

JodieO · 09/11/2009 14:00

allaboutme - I disagree, of course she can change her mind, why not? I'm sure grown men can manage to book themselves into a hotel, they must be able to afford it if they can afford to spend money on private dances at strip clubs.

RealityBites · 09/11/2009 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LovestheChaos · 09/11/2009 14:04

agree with reality.

It may be fun to have my friends over for the weekend without DH and DC there BUT:

If my DH was exhausted and the main carer for our young baby I would never dream of asking him to piss off and drive a long way away for the weekend so I could mess about and have fun.

If I was cheeky enough to ask and he showed signs of being unsure, uncomfortable, and or hurt then I would immediately back down and would not want to do it anymore.

Undercovamutha · 09/11/2009 14:05

It was unreasonable of him top arrange it initially without consulting you and to have a big sulk when you initially said no. BUT You should have either stuck to your guns, or negotiated a big load of payback in return.
I must admit (depending on how it was presented to me) I wouldn't have a problem going to stay with family for the weekend whilst DH had friends stay, but wouldn't be happy doing so if I felt that I was being FORCED to and that my feelings were not being appreciated.
If I were you, I would threaten to call the whole thing off, and then use the threat to negotiate terms (e.g. house must be spotless afterwards, you get a night away somewhere/pampering day at spa, he does extra chores for a time). He OWES you for this!!!!!
BTW, my DH puts on a big sulk if he can't get his own way, and I have FINALLY learnt to completely ignore it, and not give in. It is a worthwhile skill to master !

Malificence · 09/11/2009 14:11

Can't a group of friends think of something a bit more grown up to do than playing games / getting drunk or going to a strip club? How old are these losers?

Reality has it spot on.

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