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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP 'told' me and DCs to leave the house for the weekend

269 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 09:54

I genuinely can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and uptight or whether DP is being unreasonable. A couple of months ago he got chatting to three of his friends who live all over the country to arrange to meet up for a 'lads weekend'. Which is fine because with one thing and another they don't get to see each other very often. But then a few weeks ago DP said he'd asked his friends to come to our house for the weekend. I asked where they were all going to sleep and he said in the DCs rooms. So I asked where the DCs were going to sleep and he said, oh yes, I was hoping you could go away for the weekend and take the kids.

I thought this was a bit cheeky and at first thought he was joking, especially as DD is only 9 months and he knows I'm knackered from getting up in the night, etc. So he started to sulk and said he'll tell them not to come then. So I then obviously felt bad and so I found a friend who had enough room to put me and the DCs up for two nights but it does mean driving a long way on my own with them.

Anyway, I'd forgotten about it for a while but its happening this coming weekend and now I keep getting really annoyed when I think about it. The last time he met up with these friends they all went to a strip club and had a private dance. I've asked him if they're planning on doing this again and he's said no, but he's unlikely to say yes as he knows I was upset about it last time.

Also I know when I get back after the weekend I'm going to have loads of sheets to change and washing to do. He said he'll clean up after them, but I know his standards are slightly different to mine!

I've been feeling really run down and a bit down recently so I can't work out whether I'm getting worked up about it unreasonably just because I'm tired, or whether DP is taking the p*ss a bit. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 14:13

I have said that I want the house to be spotless when I return and he acted all hurt as though I didn't trust him to look after his own house. But even if he has all best intentions I know what he's like and he'll do some tidying but it won't be to my standard! So even though he says he'll do it, I'll still spend the weekend worrying about coming back to it.

Just to clarify, I'm not the main carer, well, sort of. I work four days a week out of the home, and look after the DCs the other three. DP looks after them one day a week and works the rest, including weekends and evenings.

OP posts:
edam · 09/11/2009 14:13

Have a chat with him and make him realise you are doing him a HUGE favour and he owes you, big time. Sort out what he's going to do for you in return. And about doing the housework etc. etc. etc.

I've gone away before when dh has had the lads round BUT he actually kept ds (who was in bed, they didn't go out but all came to ours). Made him promise to tidy up and was rather pissed off when I got back to discover the place was a tip. He got a peal run over his head for that one! (And I discovered he'd taught ds, aged five, to play poker. Tsk tsk.)

Moth2 · 09/11/2009 14:17

Yanbu,

My DP is an expert sulker too and I know the pressure this can exert!

Now you have made arrangements and to keep the peace I would go ahead with it but in return you should ask that the house be spotless with sheets cleaned and changed and also that in return you take a weekend to yourself while he looks after the children. (Lovely night away with childless friends!) This way you both get a bit of much needed 'me' time which for me anyway is really important.

Men - I ask you.

RealityBites · 09/11/2009 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlingLoving · 09/11/2009 14:19

For pity's sake, he's not some devious "bastard" "tosser" or any of the other adjectives used to describe him. He's been a bit thoughtless, yes, but OP should have discussed it properly with him in the first place. A few weeks ago I asked DH to find somewhere else to go for an evening and night as I was hosting a hen party with various out of towners needing to stay somewhere so they all came to our house. DH wasn't wild about it, but totally understood and spent the evening and night at a friend's house.

Yes, your DH should have been more considerate in the beginning and planned it with you so that you could do something that would actually be fun for you and the DCs rather than you having to make yourself scarce, but then you could have stood up and said so at at the time too.

As for the lap dancing thing, clearly for some reasomn you don't trust him, which I think is more of an issue than anything else. If he knows from the last time that you don't like lap dancing clubs, then I think it would be nice if you were able to trust that he therefore wouldn't do it this time. If you don't trust him, you should deal with that.

And finally, on cleaning, that should be non negotiatable - when you return on Sunday you should not have to do any cleaning, changing bedding, tidying etc. It's not rocket science - make it clear that your children will not be sleeping in bedding used by a whole lot of men who've been partying and that DH and his friends need to change the bedding and clean and tidy appropriately.

mishmashmoon · 09/11/2009 14:20

iwouldgoouttonight what do they play on the computer?

oh and you are so not being unreasonable.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 14:20

no Jodie

sorry, very fast-moving thread

forehead · 09/11/2009 14:28

I really can't believe your dh had the cheek to even ask. My dh wouldn't even DARE ask. Even if he wants some friends over for the evening, he gives me advance warning. If i were you i would be sorely tempted to leave the 9 month old baby with him. That would scupper his plans, particularly if he wants to visit a strip club.
I am really annoyed on your behalf.

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2009 14:30

Strip club nothwithstanding (more like notinamillionyears) I'd say YABU BUT only if DH is not prepared to reciprocate. I vacate the premises with my DDs a couple of times of year for DH to have Fantasy Football / XBox night with some of his far-flung chums and in return I bugger off and stay with my best mate twice a year leaving him with the DDs. Quid Pro Quo is at the heart of every successful marriage! Tell what you want in return and strike a deal that suits you too.

Rindercella · 09/11/2009 14:31

If you feel you really cannot back out of this now, I would sit him down and tell him that you are very unhappy about being kicked out of the house for the weekend, but as arrangements have been made you will go to your friend's house. Tell him you felt bullied into agreeing with his plans and felt like you had no other option. Tell him that you will not be doing any cleaning when you get home, so therefore he will have to strip and wash (and iron?) all the children's bedding as well as tidying and cleaning up the rest of the house - this is non-negotiable. Also tell him that you will appreciate a cooked dinner when you come home after a long drive.

Tell him that any visits to a strip club will be a deal breaker for you (if that is how you feel) and that you will find out if he has gone. And that is also non-negotiable.

Then go and have a lovely weekend with your friend - I guess if she lives some way away and you work, you don't get to see her very often.

He should not have rail roaded you into this.

MmeLindt · 09/11/2009 14:32

It is a shame that the thread is filled with 'selfish bastard' style comments. From what the OP has written, that does not sound quite true.

He does not leave her with the DC all the time, if fact he takes care of the DC one day a week and helps with the housework.

I think that you, OP have to work on your trust issues about the stripper (although that itself would not bother me) and your expectations of how the house will look when you come home.

When you say your standards are slightly different, what does that mean?

UndomesticHousewife · 09/11/2009 14:35

Well, I don't know if I wouldn't have agreed to it. If my dh didn't go out much and worked a lot and helped with the kids adn house etc (like he should) then if he wanted to see his friends I wouldn't have a problem with it, after all I see my friends.

What I would have a problem with is him organising them to all stay at my house and leaving me to find somewhere to go.
Not even discussing it first to see if it was do-able then arranging it with his friends.

That I wouldn't have agreed to.

BUT...you did, and now the weekend is coming up and yes, you're annoyed and want to back out but why on earth didn't you do it before? At the point when he told you about it a few months ago, before you organised your accommodation for you and the kids?
Did you tell him that you weren't doing it and he forced you? (sorry if he did, I haven't read the whole thing)

It's not the best situation in the world adn it's up to you what you do with regards to cancelling it, but I would say you were being unreasonable if you did at this late stage.

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2009 14:36

On the housework front - DH gets all his mates to bring their own sleeping bags and pillows so my bedlinen is not sullied. All beer cans and food containers (ALWAYS a curry god forbid they try and cook themselves a meal ) must be disposed of correctly, vacuuming must be done and dishwasher loaded. Spell it out to your DH if his standards are low....

forehead · 09/11/2009 14:36

Wow MmeLindt, he looks after HIS kids ONCE a week and HELPS with the housework in HIS house.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 14:38

MmeLindt - you're right, I don't think he's a selfish bastard, he does help out, etc. I just don't think he thinks about how things make me feel sometimes. Not that he's being nasty, he just doesn't think.

When I say our standards are different, things like I empty the cat litter tray every day, he leaves it until it builds up for a few days. I try to change sheets every week (probably more like two weeks ) but he leaves them for weeks and doesn't think its a problem. He's quite happy to leave dishes on the surfaces in the kitchen for the whole day, whereas I like to either wash them as we use them or put them in the dishwasher and close the door! He just doesn't notice mess as much as I do, so he'll probably think he's tidied but I might think differently!

OP posts:
Sunshinetoast · 09/11/2009 14:40

Ok going against the grain a bit here. I think he was unreasonable in telling you, but the idea itself isn't that unreasonable.

DH is taking our kids (including 9 month old baby) away for the weekend soon so I can have friends to stay. It is an annual thing for us to meet up without partners and kids. We don't have the money for hotels at the moment so stay at each other's houses. Obviously I asked DH if he would mind - rather than told him. We both try to support each other in having time off - a night out every week or so and a weekend off a couple of times a year.

YANBU about the strip club. But I believe the sexual exploitation of women is unacceptable and couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't agree.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 09/11/2009 14:41

Just had another thought - I'm vegetarian. I hope they're not thinking of cooking meat in the house. Will definitely ask DP about that. He says he doesn't eat meat, but I know he does as I've found pastie wrappers in the car and receipts for scotch eggs! But I wouldn't like it cooked in our house.

OP posts:
RealityBites · 09/11/2009 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 09/11/2009 14:59

YANBUx100000000000. What an utter tosser and prick you have for a dp, i would dump him straight away, no way would i stand for that. He and his immature friends should stay in a hotel then! He walks all over you because you let him, no way would i let dh do that and no way would he do that kind of thing. Your better being on your own than this prick sorry but thats how i feel

pigletmania · 09/11/2009 15:01

sounds as though you have 4 kids not 3

thesecondcocking · 09/11/2009 15:07

i don't think it's that bad you know?

if dp had a load of his mates here then i wouldn't want to be here, it's his home and he puts up with me and my friends/book group/family colonising the lounge regularly.

If only he'd send me away when his mother comes...

I don't think it's that bad-the stripper thing is a side issue/red herring.
I'd do it,but he'd fucking owe me big time!

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2009 15:29

Why isn't your DH allowed to eat meat because you are a vegetarian - was it a condition of your marriage contract . Am starting to feel slightly sorry for him in the face of the calls to divorce him / burn him at the stake. He did say he'd cancel albeit somewhat sulkily but then since you did agree to it initially he would be unlikely to be thrilled about that....

modmum · 09/11/2009 15:29

Agree with Rindercella.
MAKE sure you list everything he has to do at the end of the weekend to get the house shipshape and ready for the next week. Don't forget to include all the previous week's washing/drying and ironing etc because you won't be there to do it.
Basically he'll have to clean up after himself and his friends and do all the housework that you would do at the weekend BECAUSE you won't be there to do it and it has to be done.
You'll have to list everything because being a man he'll only do what's on the list!! (why don't men use their initative in the house??) Also post-its on everything you don't want them to touch/break etc. Polite notices in DCs rooms eg "this is a childrens room please don't vomit/w**k in here (use your own house)!"
Plus list of rules for the weekend - if he wants to act like a teenager then.....

pigletmania · 09/11/2009 15:41

It would not have been too unreasonable if he booked you into a nice hotel with family facilities, but to expect you to find your own accomodation how cheeky and selfish, especially with a young baby too.

AnnVan · 09/11/2009 15:44

agreeing with sparkle about the meat thing Really, it's not going to kill you if they cook meat in the house
Otherwise - YANBU to be annoyed at him for organising this without discussing it with you beforehand
BUT you did agree, so it would be unreasonable to back out now.

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