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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 09/11/2009 11:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kamikatze · 09/11/2009 11:53

Just got back. Dropped of DD and then went shopping. HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT TODAY!! No sign of Jane or her DS. Typical! He is very rarely absent from school, she brings him in even when he is running a high temperature cos she wants the TEACHER to decide if he is well enough to attend school!! I swear it's true.
I was so geared up for a talk this morning, so ready. Now I'm just going to sit tight and wait.....soooo frustrated.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 09/11/2009 12:05

Why don't you ring her? Get it over with?

dilemma456 · 09/11/2009 12:13

Message withdrawn

ElenorRigby · 09/11/2009 12:41

Kami I call parents like this cuckoo parents. They would rope anyone in so they can have an easy time of it, with no regard for their child or the person they are using.
Disgusting, you will be well rid of her!

lizziemun · 09/11/2009 13:01

Perhaps 'Jane' has been reading Mumsnet and is mortified about her behavour .

I wouldn't call her I would wait untill your in the school grounds and other parents around, so

she can not twist what you have said.

I would also tell her when you say your unable to continue looking after her child, that you can not beleive that you have looked after and fed her child 3 times a week since June and she hasn't even bought a £2.00 bunch of flowers to say thankyou. And that you hope she paid childcare soon.

KiwiKat · 09/11/2009 13:52

Count up the hours you've spent doing unpaid childcare, multiply that by whatever hourly rate a good childminder in your area would get, then see just what kind of holiday time that would have bought you and your dd. If not skiing in France, possibly a VERY nice week at CentrePark, I bet.

You can't get that time back, and she's not going to pay you, so you owe her nothing other than the good manners of letting her know in advance of requirements - so that she can make alternate arrangements for childcare when she's not in a panic - that it's End O' Story.

I wait, along with so many other worthy readers on this thread, with bated breath ...

LoveMyGirls · 09/11/2009 13:57

For that I'd have charged about £900

duchesse · 09/11/2009 15:11

Sprocket, your boss sounds like a complete lunatic, or a complete cow. Probably both. In your shoes I'd be looking for another job. Is there a HR department where you can go to for advice? It may not be an entirely work issue, but it's still impacting on your work. You could shop her anonymously like that. Just say that a certain member of staff is making unreasonable demands on your time outside work and that it is making you very stressed. That should get them scurrying to do something about it. Nobody wants employees going off sick from stress when it can easily be sorted.

GooseyLoosey · 09/11/2009 15:15

Kami - in agreement with everyone else. The woman is barking. Understand the desire to avoid confrontation, could you not just say that your dd has asked if she could have some more time with just you and as its your last child, you would like to do that. So while you regret very much not being able to help her, you won't be able to look after her ds in the future.

NeedCoffee · 09/11/2009 15:40

cheeky cow! hope you get it sorted

Mutt · 09/11/2009 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 09/11/2009 16:05

PHEW! It's OVER. It was awful. I'm still shaking and feeling shell shocked. When I arrived at the school early, Jane was sitting in her car.( Apparently they were just late this morning.)
I told her I wanted a word with her and we walked into the school playground together. I just came out with: I can't look after your ds anymore. She asked me what's wrong and if I'm ill?! I then explained that I didn't want to feel tied down by having to look after another child and that my dd and I needed time together. For good measure, I added the stuff about Ofsted and not being a licensed childminder. Her answer was: If you don't tell, I won't.
When she realised that I meant it, she kind of froze and I could tell she was furious. "That's fine. don't want to burden you", she said and walked off. WOW! That was easy, I thought.
Not so. While walking home with my dd, Jane drove up beside us, she must have turned the car around and come back to catch us on the way. She got out of the car and we stood on the pavement, as she started her tirade.
According to her, I'm a lousy friend for leaving her in the lurch, I don't understand what it's like to be a busy, working mum, I live a boring, quiet life and she feels sorry for my dd. Also, she thinks my dd doesn't have enough friends around and relies too much on me for company and Jane has in fact done my dd a favour by letting her son stay over at ours. EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T PARTICULARLY LIKE YOUR DD, she said and I swear she looked triumphant. She then reminded me of two years ago when I had a bad back/hip and she gave me lifts to school. It lasted for a week, cos I decided that I didn't want to feel obliged to her, so I gave her some chocolates( I wanted to pay for petrol, but she refused ) and after that, I took a cab whenever I felt too achey to walk. This cab business irritated her DH so much that he called me up about it. Anyway, it's another story.
I felt angrier and angrier as Jane stood there and berated me in front of my dd, who started to look anxious and sad. So I told Jane that she is incredibly rude and ungrateful and off her trolley. I also mentioned that several of my friends ( all of you on MN ) think she's a user. At this, she got back in her car and wound down her window to shout her final comment: No good deed goes unpunished!! ???? HEY, THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY!! I wanted to shout, but didn't because I didn't want to upset my dd.
I actually think Jane has something wrong with her, I mean, seriously. How can she not see what's going on? She's twisted the story around completely.
I'm so grateful to all of you for giving me the guts to finally tell this woman what I think of her. Now I'm just waiting for her dh to call me up. I'd be very surprised if he didn't. Thanks again for all the wonderful advice, I'm about to pour myself a drink and then make macaroni cheese for my dd.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/11/2009 16:07

Just caught up with this, Kami. I too have problems with assertiveness, but am actually feeling excited on your behalf. You will feel brilliant when you have dealt with this.

I too think you should phone her. Remember - it's the "broken record" approach - just repeat the same thing over and over :

"It does not suit me or DD to look after him anymore"

RealityBites · 09/11/2009 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/11/2009 16:10

X posted with you.

OMG. !!! Seriously, your instinct may be right - she sounds like she has a personality disorder.

hocuspontas · 09/11/2009 16:12

Lol at doing you a favour by letting her ds stay at yours!

Initio · 09/11/2009 16:12

Well done Kami!!
She's clearly a loon, don't take what she's said today to heart.

duchesse · 09/11/2009 16:12

Crumbs Kami, she is seriously unhinged on another planet. Good riddance. If her husband rings or comes anywhere near your house say you feel threatened particulary after his wife's behaviour and you will be calling the police if he doesn't shut up and go away. And then do it if he won't. You've done the worst though. Well done. You were assertive, girl. Don't worry about her hissy fit- she's a bully. But she's a bully with no free childcare now.

Jackstini · 09/11/2009 16:13

Well done Kami!!! OK, not exactly as planned but it's done and YOU know you are in the right.
What a cheeky cow she is turning it round like that. Great example to the kids too - not. grrrrr

clam · 09/11/2009 16:14

Good God! The woman's insane.

But I'm not surprised you feel shakey and shocked. But well done for standing your ground.

We're right behind you!

pigletmania · 09/11/2009 16:17

Well done Kami you were brill , this woman sounds so nasty you are well rid of her. Her true colours shone through you are one gutsy girl. I bet that made you feel good standing up to a nasty bully. She sounds like she has issues real big ones, and she told you negative stuff because she is too coward that her life is not too good and most probably made those things up about you to make herself feel better . I hate people like that they are horrid. Once again you go girl!

pigletmania · 09/11/2009 16:18

Yes what example is she setting to her ds ranting like a total loon, hang on she is a loon

CatIsSleepy · 09/11/2009 16:19

good for you kami!

she sounds barking
anyway, most busy working mums make proper childcare arrangements and don't sponge off their friends
she was properly taking the piss

enjoy your time with your dd

duchesse · 09/11/2009 16:21

Kami, you stick around on Mumsnet and it'll make you scarily assertive (in a good way)! There are some amazing women on here. You find yourself changing your mind for the better on a lot of issues when reading other people's ways of dealing with situations.