for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Kamikatze, good luck dealing with her tomorrow.

Perhaps it will help you get determined if you think about it from your DD's point of view?

She only gets one childhood - and she is old enough now that all that happens to her is forming memories.

Do you want even one more day when you're creating memories for her which include spending time with a child she doesn't even like, instead of being alone with her lovely mum?

I think you want her to remember that you had the guts to stop this arrangement and prioritise your time together.

definitely, Mutt!!!

Slowreading and Mutt...godhelpme but you've brought me to tears. Why the hell do I keep worrying about Janes reaction when I should be thinking of my DD??? Whenever I drop her off at school she asks if Janes DS is coming home with us and when I say no, her little face lights up and she gives me a huge hug, usually followed by: then we can play mummy and daughter (when we swap roles) or something else that is exclusive to me and DD. I'm a fool. I know for sure now.

Next time she asks you, could you not respond with... 'oh that reminds me - can you pick my DD up and have her after school on (insert day)?'

aww Kami. I'm sorry it's been upsetting. Must say your description of dd's happiness when she knows she's got you to herself is just lovely - and certainly enough to spur you on, I'm sure!

Now that you've thought of it this way, I'm sure it will be alot easier to sort! Jane being pissed off/angry - so what, in comparison to your dd's childhood memories?!

Good luck, I would love to know how it goes

Could you do it by e-mail? Cowardly I know, but then you could get the words right and put all your points across.

It sounds like you and dd have such fun together she will be thrilled to have your full on attention daily.
I'll be honest and say I even put off my sister and dd's cousins at times because I want her to myself.
Selfish I know but it won't be long before she tires of playing with mummy so am making the most of it.
Don't feel guilty about wanting the same.

Crikey me - what a dreadful woman this Jane is!!

When she asks you again can you say something on the lines of....
'I'm afraid I can't Jane. It has suddenly occurred to me that I have been looking after your DS x times a week for x weeks / months and that is just ludicrous. I'm not a childminder, I don't wish to be and it has been affecting my precious time with DD, so I'm sorry but you will have to make other arrangements.

If you spell out how many times you have looked after her DS, she may see it as it is?

maybe?

Probably not but it's still important that she realises how much she's been putting on you and your DD.

The more I think about this the more I think you should start asking massive favours back...

Can she pick up loads of shopping for you?
Drop off or pick up dry cleaning?
Pop to the post office for you?
Return clothes to shops coz you have changed your mind?

She owes you big time so play her at her own game.

This is not a friend's child. This is someone who is taking the p**s big time.

When I was working and my childcare arrangements fell through, a friend offered to help me out. I illegally paid was very grateful to her, made sure I had her DD for lots of playdates in return, and when the arrangement finished (a matter of weeks), bought flowers, wine and chocolates. This is what a friend would do.

Good luck.

I read the early posts but not the more recent stuff so apologies if this has already been said.

I think you need to be careful when you speak to Jane. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she thinks she is actually doing you a favour in this arrangement. Bizarre notion I know but it would explain her seemingly unfathomable brazen behaviour.

She might think that you enjoy looking after her ds on the basis that it provides a ready made playmate for your dd and, having older children, maybe you miss having lots of children at home. Complete rubbish I know but it may be how she thinks.

Good luck tomorrow. You need to say what needs to be said and be prepared for a complete clean break, no further contact and an amount of hostility.

You sound lovely and like others have said your dd only has her childhood once. It is fab that you have the time to spend with her and it is not fair on her that she spends too much of it sharing you with someone she doesn't like.

I think you should to what kiwi or biscuitstuffer have said. Takes more balls I know but it is clear and firm yet polite.

I also agree that it would be better to call her and initiate it yourself rather than worrying waiting for her to ask again.

Good luck and keep us posted!

I?d go for Kiwis suggestion, write down what you HAVE to say and leave it by the phone and when she phones just read it off the script.

?I?m glad you phoned Jane, because I really enjoyed my time alone with DD last week and it made me realise that I can?t take your son after school any more. DD and I want to have a bit more freedom to see friends and be spontaneous, just the two of us, and I want to be able to enjoy this short time that we have together as much as possible. I'm sure you understand.?

Think of any responses she may have and write down what you will say e.g.

Jane ?Oh but could you just do it today as I?m a bit stuck?

You ?Not sure if you understood but I really enjoyed my time alone with DD last week and it made me realise that I can?t take your son after school any more. DD and I want to have a bit more freedom to see friends and be spontaneous, just the two of us, and I want to be able to enjoy this short time that we have together as much as possible.?

Keep saying ad nauseam until she gets the message!! Write it down right by the phone, it really does help! You can do it, you have the whole of Mnet behind you

Yes good one red tartan lass except i wouldn't go for such a long response to 'can you just do today'. I think at that point I would just say 'Sorry Jane, no i can't'.

And if she says anything more to try and persuade you or tries to make out you are somehow leaving her in the lurch or being unreasonable either repeat that or something along the lines of 'I'm sorry this leaves you stuck but I never agreed to be an unpaid childminder and although I wish you well and hope you get it sorted I am afraid your childcare problems are yours and not mine - goodbye!'

Def write all these down before you call / have by the phone for when she calls though!

Am fuming on your behalf and will be another person channelling extra backbone for you tommorrow Kami

I agree with BiscuitStuffer above - point out exactly how much free childcare you do for her and she may see that it´s unreasonable. And if you have the conversation in the playground, with perhaps other mums hearing or witnessing it it neatly proves the point of how much she has been taking the piss: and I suspect any other mother at the school gate hearing the story would have similar reactions to most of Mumsnet, and would know what to think should Jane be bitchy about you later

Kami, you mentioned earlier that you are worried that Jane is going to badmouth you to all the other mums at school. You may well find that some of these mums have previously been Jane's unpaid childcare, so you may even make a few new friends out of this!

Haven't read the whole thing but you could start asking her all the time (obv when she's not working)and give wild and wonderful reasons- ' I need time to give myself a pedicure/flower arrange/whatever'

It won't be long before she starts to say something then you can say 'Oh I thought this was the arrangement we had!'

One of my sisters accquaintances does this- my sister had her dd for the WHOLE of half term even though she has three of her own dcs, the other woman only has one, lives 15 mins drive away and didn't even come to see her dd the whole week!

Funnily enough her same age ds never gets invited back..

Have read from start to finish and am wishing you the best for today Kami...it's an unenviable position to be in, but you are absolutely doing the right thing!
I've had similar 'friends' before and was most certainly glad and relieved when their demands on my time came to an end!
Good Luck!

How did it go Kami? Did she ask you? I can't be the only one hoping she does ask you today. If she doesn't ask again at least you know she's a Mumsnet poster!

Bookmarking - and hoping to see you whoop her ass today Kami!