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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
msrisotto · 12/11/2009 18:58

Jesus, how juvenile is this woman! I thought only 5 year olds told people they smelled of wee. At least you're not as immature, insecure and lonely as her m'dear.

Jacksmama · 12/11/2009 19:10

I'd be hurt too, Kami.
(((*HUG)))

Heated · 12/11/2009 19:16

The delightful Jane was never going to be graceful about this as she is a nasty piece of work, the sort you want to attach a lorry sign to, saying "wide berth".

Other parents aren't daft. They will see her unpleasantness for exactly what it is. Bet they're all silently applauding you, like we all are.

Each time you see her, think "Freeeeeeeedom!" (Braveheart stylee)

And this will soon wash over, promise you.

chegirl · 12/11/2009 19:29

Kami,

I have only posted once but I have been following every word of this thread.

Please dont be upset or feel guilty.

This woman is a toxic nightmare.

You did her a huge favour and she is choosing to act as if you have let her down.

If she keeps saying it aloud enough she is hoping you will eventually agree. I am sure this is a tactic she has used many times.

You really need to dismiss this witch from you life.

If all else fails, try the Vicky Pollard defence.

If they phone again say 'Are you mental though? But are you? Are you mental. Why is you phoning me though? You are some joker you chat nonsense, you are a BARE JOKER THOUGH. Are you saying fings about my family?'

I guarentee if you go on in this vein for about 5 minutes they will NEVER talk to you again.

Seriously though. The woman is a numpty and you should pay her no mind. You are not a wimp, you are nice. There aint nothing wrong.

KimiTheThreadSlayer · 12/11/2009 19:30

Have followed this thread but not posted, but I CAN NOT HELP MYSELF....

Hope this crazy woman gets an au pair and her husband runs off with her
I know I know shame on me

CarGirl · 12/11/2009 19:37

Kami what a jealous and insecure woman Jane is.

She must be so jealous that you actually love and enjoy your child and probably you have a lifestyle that she wishes she had because you are so happy and she is a miserable bitch.

What a truly awful woman.

It's a shame she couldn't have bought some manners instead of a Landrover.

katsh · 12/11/2009 19:37

chegirl , love it Kami - well done - now just decide that you will not let her take up any more of your emotional space. You can decide to close off thinking about her. Enjoy your evening.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/11/2009 19:54

I have read this thread all week - not posted because so many other posters have had such good advice and all I wanted to post was 'tell her to eff off the cow!' which wouldn't have been very useful.

Poor you Kamikatze - she sounds like a bitch of the first order. Try and forget (easier said than done) those horrible comments and ignore ignore ignore from now on. You sound like a lovely person.

BTW LOLOL at "But I guess I should have shrieked and jumped up and down when she showed off her Land Rover. (but of course, then I would have pissed myself)"

miamla · 12/11/2009 20:07

Kami, wow! you're a strong lady...well done you for standing up to Jane. she sounds an absolute fruitcake
Stick with the friends you had before all this happened. It sounds like the new ones are just fishing for gossip. don't lower yourself to their level, you're better than a million of them

Your DD is very lucky to have such a loving mum

NeedCoffee · 12/11/2009 21:22

what a nasty cow bag, she really is a peice of work. I reckon she was jealous of you to be honest, probably of your absolute delight in just spending time with your dd(to be honest, so am I! but in a good way iyswim) try not to say anything back to the'friends' I feel they may be trying to play you off against each other, rise above it

groundhogs · 12/11/2009 21:41

Jeez, where does one go on from AGHAST?

That was my last post, but this really does take the poverbial .

If it's any consolalation at all, I had a BF that I had to sever ties with, and only when I had, did the stories of her utter freakishness get told to me. it's odd, why don't people tell you?? there really is nowt so queer as folk..

Hey, it's nearly the weekend, don't let her get to you. Sounds like everyone is wise to her already...

groundhogs · 12/11/2009 21:43

proverbial consolation

tsk tsk

pigletmania · 12/11/2009 21:53

If she has time to gossip she obviously has time to look after her ds, what a loon. Sorry i cant add anymore as others have already said what i feel. Dont let it get you down, you have a whole bunch of friends on here so dont worry. I would just keep my head down and stay away from praying mantis and ther other mothers for a while tbh.

MoominMymbleandMy · 12/11/2009 22:17

Oh, what a foul woman. Look at it this way, Kami, it was hurtful and unkind gossip but it ensures that she will never again be able to pull the wool over your eyes. Maybe that was why they told you.

And I hope the au pair pinches all her jewellery, the blimmin' Land Rover and her DH.

DandyLioness · 12/11/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chimchar · 13/11/2009 06:46

oh kami...what a saga!

be proud that you are standing firm and showing your dd that you are an assertive lady who is kind and generous of spirit, but no doormat.

good on you for standing firm...try not to get dragged into any more of this playground nastyness...tell the other mums that its over, and you have no desire or need to talk about it anymore...enough of your energy has been wasted on this.

you have been really brave and strong...i'm sure whilst it has been a horrible time for you, you will look back and will be just that bit stronger for surviving it.

good luck, and well done.

nigelslaterfan · 13/11/2009 13:07

OMG Kami,
have finally read whole thread, this woman is really properly narcissistic.

But just remember that karma always works for people like that, she will reap what she sows in the long run. Not a nice sentiment but a true one ime!

I have a friend who kicked off with a single working mum who took the piss at this level, always phoning at the last miunute, always asking my friend to collect from nursery, always dumping her kids on my friend ( and me too when she could get away with it)
Eventually my friend confronted her and she went into a massive self-pitying meltdown all about how my friend had a partner and my friend didn't know how hard it was etc.
We ALL support her loads given her situation but there is a reasonable limit!!
What struck me was that her reaction was all based on her presumptions about the other woman's time, support etc. i.e. she was home early therefore it was no problem to have two kids dumped on her 3 or 4 times a week!
Nightmare. It's like psycho-selfpity.
Well done you for being strong! Time sorts all these things out and will heal your bruises, you've done the right thing and this will be a massive life lesson we all have to learn, antennae for the piss takers!

porcamiseria · 13/11/2009 14:37

Kami I have also followed this thread too, and cant beleive what FUCKING COMPLETE BITCH COW this lady is, those comments are below the belt and really show what she is like. Hopefully the support you have seen on here will make you realise you are not alone

what goes around comes around

and I am sure you dont spell of pee (says tena lady queen)

But I almost pity her DS for having an immature bitch of a Mum like this

lucykate · 13/11/2009 14:47

i think she (as in 'jane') is doing this because she knows she was in the wrong, but she just won't admit it, she's going all out to make herself out to be the victim.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 13/11/2009 16:18

It's been raining all day so I took a cab this morning and afternoon, waited until everyone had gone in and then ran out with DD, so avoided everyone. Dandylioness, I don't think the two mums were gleeful, but v. eager to let me know how nasty Jane is. Even my DH showed signs of life when I told him everything, and I think I heard him mutter something about "cyanide capsules", but he was watching the History Channel at the time, and is forever stuck on what seems to be the same programme, (something about Nazi Germany) When he heard about the wee issue, he said: and I thought it was the cat. B*stard. He is jet lagged, though..
I'd love to name and shame Jane, but feel sorry for her kids. I do hope she finds this thread one day.
To everyone who's shown me their support, I give a heartfelt thanks. Had it not been for you, I'd still be sitting here fuming about being a reluctant childminder. Is it too dramatic to say that MN can change lives?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 13/11/2009 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StrawberriesandCherries · 13/11/2009 16:30

lol at your dh!!! Such support about the wee

You write so well it's been a fascinating read Kami this should be a DM column hold your head high, nothing wrong with being a lovely person. Ive been wise after events like you and think "I'll never be caught like that again"but at least you were kind and have the other mum's support, they obviously like you - what has Jane got???

Mutt · 13/11/2009 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 13/11/2009 18:22

Just tell you DH that he can make it up to you with a nice night out, he is quick witted though

mollymawk · 13/11/2009 22:59

Well, I am astounded at this Jane person - I would not have believed anyone could be so awful. Hope you feel better soon Kami.