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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
groundhogs · 11/11/2009 01:06

I'm aghast!

If either of them call you again, please, say nothing, nothing at all.

Don't engage with them, simply replace the handset.

Repeat as necessary. Unplug if you have to.

What utter, utter loons...

sunnydelight · 11/11/2009 01:06

They're both totally bonkers!

Well done you for sticking up for yourself and don't you dare feel guilty now - what sane adult woman gets her DH to phone someone like that; Jane is obviously "beside herself" because someone has finally stood up to her parasitic ways! As for the school gate mums if you're bothered I would say "I can't believe I thought she was my friend and she was just using me for free childcare" - turn it back on her. Enjoy your time with your DD.

groundhogs · 11/11/2009 01:22

I can bearly imagine what I'd have to say for my DH to phone up another mum and do that.... it's just bonkersville!

Tee hee, good suggestion sunnyd!

stuffitllllama · 11/11/2009 04:56

You are being openly bullied now.

Sunnyd's suggestion is a good one.

Be ready to speak your mind : be ready to say to her "how dare you get your dh to call me and bully me. I was helping you and now you've chucked it back at me. I hope everyone sees through you." And say it when people can hear.

A good piece of advice for a child being bullied is to "be loud" ie leave me alone, why are you doing this -- so that other people are fully aware of what's going on.

This is what is happening to you. Not saying anything in public any more indeed, being "specially nice" to your dd and then calling you up and talking behind your back.

This is vile and bullying behaviour. Bring it out into the open.

stuffitllllama · 11/11/2009 05:20

When I say "openly bullied" I mean there is no doubt about it, rather than that it is obvious to others.

Kami, they are taking up too much room in your head and it's going to make you feel really down. It is hard after you thought you'd dealt with it in a dignified way, to have to continue dealing with it.

The thing is, they won't leave you alone because they are wrong, and you are right, and being in the right is unforgiveable. Imagine how catastrophic it must be to their solipsistic world view to concede that you might have a point.

So they won't, and they see the "value" of getting other people to see it their way.

It's very oppressive. Stay strong. They are behaving unspeakably.

dilemma456 · 11/11/2009 06:44

Message withdrawn

Mallenstreak · 11/11/2009 07:35

Kami - I have been watching this thread and am delighted that you managed to get rid of this parasite. Don't let her still bother you - it's finished. Just ignore them both -they're not worth it. She's just bitter that she's been found out and now has to arrange childcare the same as most of us working mums have to! Where in the country are you? I'm sure we can rustle up some MN's to go to school and supply back-up if necessary .

ScattyKatty · 11/11/2009 09:39

The most important thing IMO, is that you NEVER look after her DS again. It sounds harsh but I truly feel that if you help her again she will feel she has won and you were 'wrong' to stop before and will assume you will now be agreeing to do it forever.

Stay strong! She is a pathetic friend, a total user.

BiscuitFace · 11/11/2009 09:47

i think the clincher here is the fact she has upset your dd. to be so openly horrible about you both in front of her is unforgiveable. i am so angry for you.

girlywhirly · 11/11/2009 09:51

Kami, I am truly appalled at the treatment you have had from this woman and her husband.

Remember that if she or he phone you again and are aggressive and offensive you can get them prosecuted, as it is a criminal offence. BT and other phone providers can offer call blocking from a specified number and there are various helplines from your phone provider to help with nuisance calls. There is a page in your phone directory telling you how to deal with a malicious call.

Others on this thread have offered some good strategies for dealing with Jane, and if she keeps on accosting you in the playground, it might be as well to warn the headteacher. Do make sure you are standing near others and refuse to move out of their earshot to talk. I would also make sure that the parent grapevine is circulating the way Jane operates, so that others aren't placed in the same position you were. It does seem as though she has a personality disorder to me. Do call the police if she continues to be aggressive and offensive, they will call round to her home and have a talk and possibly issue a warning, as this is harassment.

I hope she leaves you alone now.

PercyPigPie · 11/11/2009 09:52

Please make sure she gets to hear about the Mumsnet thread though - just in case she thinks it is just you being unreasonable!

FlyMeToDunoon · 11/11/2009 10:05

Kami what did you reply to Jane's DH?

Stigaloid · 11/11/2009 10:08

I am aghast! Can't believe they are calling you and telling others that you have let them down when they were clearly taking you for a ride. You are NOT free childcare and your time is yours to do with as you will. Grrr angry for you.

bigTillyMint · 11/11/2009 10:15

I've been watching this thread too and your "friends" clearly have some issues

Good advice given by the posters above - it is manipulative and bullying now.

Don't let the b*d's grind you down!

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/11/2009 10:21

Well done you. I too think about things too much. See it as a positive, you'll never be tempted to go back.

Glad you had a nice time with your dd, roll on having a nice time every day!

sweetgrapes · 11/11/2009 10:29

You could be a good friend and send her a list of childminders...

And please DO use the suggestion above by sunnydelight and get word out that she has been using you for free childcare when you thought she was a friend.

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 10:30

Why should she the praying mantis think you would look after her ds after she was so nasty about you in front of her ds and your dd. She is not a friend but a nasty user, stay well away. She just wants something for nothing, any decent person would make their own childcare arrangements instead of expecting you like its a right to look after her ds what a cheeky moo, all because she gave you a few lifts so what!!!!!!!

TheProvincialLady · 11/11/2009 10:34

I have been following this thread too - WELL DONE. Better open hostility than a 'friend' like this.

SlartyBartFast · 11/11/2009 10:37

have just read whole thread.
well done - you don't HAVE to look after her child. you can hold your head up high. you didnt let her down since there was no proper arrangement in the first place.
remember your dd will be happier now - and can have her own friends round.

unbelievable situation for you but glad part of it is over

GooseyLoosey · 11/11/2009 10:41

Kami, if Jane or her dh rings again or even comes over to talk to you, just say that you don't like confrontation so you don't want to talk to her/him now. You would prefer to leave it until everyone can be calmer and until they are prehaps able to understand your perspective.

In relation to the woman who rang you, I hope you clearly explained why you acted in the way you did. If not, I think you should. Jan has no qualms about giving her version of events to all and sundry so you should feel able to do the same (without being nasty about her).

Good luck.

bran · 11/11/2009 11:15

If you want to warn others about her without sounding like a bitch yourself you could say that the family have issues with boundries within friendship, and (if you want to be extra pious) say that you do feel sorry for her but you felt that you were enabling her to avoid facing up to her problems so long as you were always picking up the pieces for her. It still gets the message across that she is a selfish, manipulative cow so that others can avoid being caught by her in the same way, but shows you for the sweet person that you are.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 11/11/2009 11:42

I have arranged caller ID, and am going to wear imaginary blinkers and earmuffs whenever I'm anywhere near Jane.
She's taken up too much of my emotions, time and thoughts. As of today, she'll no longer exist in my world.
What I said to her DH? Something along the lines of "you are so wrong and so insulting and hurtful and I'm not going to listen to this stuff anymore." (I do think that Jane forced her DH to call) The other mum told me that everyone is aware of the situation, and one mum has promised to warn whoever happens to become Jane's next target.
If something unbelievable happens, for example if Jane comes to apologise, or if she tries to run me down in her car, I'll let you know. Otherwise: She does NOT exist anymore!

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 11/11/2009 11:43

caller display is great

well done. breath and enjoy your life without her

justaboutautumn · 11/11/2009 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 11/11/2009 12:15

Ok Kami thats good that other mums are aware of her and on your side. Go and spend time with your dd and enjoy together and forget her, and re read the posts on here for support should you feel down but dont you have no reason to.