for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Jane? who's that?? Sorry, don't know anyone of that name...

She sounds seriously unhinged and unstable.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely, as does your DD, and as does the relationship the two of you share. Hold onto that and don't let Jane rob you of what you've achieved there. I hope when mine are school age they still enjoy their Mum's company as much as your DD clearly does.

Well done you

Good reply and good to hear that the other mums are aware.

I hate this attitude OP, I'm a full time mother and I really resent it when full time working mother/friends of mine take the proverbial. They think you have nothing to do at all if you don't do paid work. So on inset days I've been called on many times to have ds's friends. And like you sometimes I'd love to have a trip to a museum with ds or quality time with him.
It really sucks.

Find a way that feels ok to you to get out of it. I find screening calls helps weed out all unwanted callers!

You are NOT kvetching imho!!!!

Good luck! Non reciprocal childcare sucks, emergencies are one thing but a time tabled care system is just foul of her. I hope you get this situation sorted for your and dd's sake.

Only just read this that woman sounds like an utter loon

Oh me too Nigelslaterfan. DH and I took a 50% cut in our household income when I gave up work to look after our family because I wanted to spend time with our children!

Any news Kami

totally Mud and Nigle, I did not give up work to look after other peoples children, just our children. DD has not started school yet but when she does i will not be taken advantage of like happened to Kami

I am just so horrified at her (she who shall not me named because she no longer exists) attitude of entitlement!!!!!

I'm a SAHM and I am always happy to help out on an ad hoc basis for other people whether the work or not and do it willingly. Emphasis of course is that's done ad hoc and always appreciated by the parents.

All of the ones who work are always so worried they are taking advantage when they're not because my dds love having friends over to play and you know what they always try to reciprocate.

actually Mudandmayhem, I failed to mention I very often very happily have ds's friends to play, and really don't mind ad hoc requests either, it's being treated like free child care and being taken for granted that sucks like the OP has been here. It's so so naughty.

The people I really really really envy are the ones who live near generous grandparents like my sister

I just want to ask this woman and her dh what exactly it is that Kami has done that has caused them such offence. I just can't imagine what sort of answer they could possibly come up with. I'm fascinated by how anyone in Jane's situation could be so deluded as to think they were somehow in the right and Kami had somehow done something wrong.

I know what you mean Nigelslaterfan - there are people that I'm happy to help and people that are takers through and through. One mum at school was so charming to me when our children started school and were only going part days while they settled in. She was working and I often had her son for her. Recently she has become very remote. It took a while for the penny to drop that it was because she doesn't need to be charming any more. Same women sent her son to my son's party recently without so much as a card - she claimed to have forgotten but I knew she was also broke. Not too broke to buy a second dog it seems though .

Hatwoman, I'm related to people who think that way. I can believe that this woman really thinks that Kami has gone out of her way to make Jane's life difficult.

My maternal uncle and my paternal aunt are both self-delusional about their importance and belive the rest of the world ought to gratefully fall in with their plans. Fortunately for me I am deliberatly useless and hard to pin down so don't get involved much, but some of my cousins and aunts and uncles really get stressed out by it.

bran - thankfully I've managed to get through 39 years without really coming across such drastic cases of selfishness and delusion. maybe my time will come...right pita for you if it's in the family...

Disclaimer I am totally on Kami's side and think that Jane been very rude and selfish and generally out of order.

But, from Jane's point of view, Kami had been minding her son on a fairly regular basis for months and Kami hadn't said before now that she wasn't happy with the deal so I can kind of see that it would have come to a shock to her. From her perspective, her childcare has just let her down.

Doesn't make her right though of course, she was seriously taking this piss in the first place, using Kami like that. But I can kind of see where she's coming from. Some people just do think that the world revolves around them and it comes as a total surprise when people don't agree.

BornToFolk, I agree it must have come as a shock to her, but I still have no sympathy! It wasn't even reciprocal - just continual taking advantage. This was not her childcare. It was not an official agreement.

Even if money wasn't changing hands, it would have been more honest to say to Kami,
I really appreciate your help on these days - what can I do in return to help you out?

I totally agree, I have no sympathy either. She took advantage and got what as coming to her. Just saying that some people have such a massive sense of entitlement that it wouldn't occur to them to return the favour. Or even think they were getting a favour!

I know, but it was regular enough for Jane to come to rely on it, wasn't it? She was on to a good thing, and now it's gone, no wonder she's pissed off!

She is pissed off - doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?

I am not normally this heartless, but then there's not normally such justification ...

Well done Kami! I do hope you have lots of lovely afternoons with your DD.

Mudandmayhem, no news is good news. Didn't see any of them this afternoon, I think they were late in picking up. I can see it from Jane's point: I stopped so suddenly that she now feels totally stranded. A mum who'd spoken to Jane said that Jane and her DH are now looking for an au pair. I've suggested an au pair a few times before, but Jane didn't want a stranger living in her house. Also, I heard of a hilariously outrageous comment she's made about me.(before all this happened) She was worried that her DS didn't get the right intellectual stimulation at my house, cos I often let the kids watch Nickelodeon. I did this cos my DD and Jane's DS didn't seem to want to play together. I've reached a point where I just want to laugh at everything, perhaps a bit too shrilly though...

P.S I probably would've helped her out a few more times, until she'd found a new solution, had she not behaved like a raving lunatic, accusing me of all sorts.

Well, I want to deck her and I am normally a peaceable type.

I hope the au pair is a nightmare.

They really think you are a soft touch. Jane really can't believe that the worm has turned. What unbelievably awful behaviour from both of them.

If you need to explain it to anyone else, just say, "I looked after her DS a number of times, and I ended up doing it so often that somehow Jane confused these favours I did her with paid childcare. It was not paid childcare. If it had been, it would have been £900 worth in total."