for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Go on, hiss at her .

LOL at "call me sign". I wish I could overhear that conversation - please do tell us what she asks you!!

Aaaaaagh, have been reading this thread avidly since it started and am so pleased at the happy ending for Kamikatze and her dd. And Jane the wicked witch got her comeuppance, mwah har har har.

Kamikatze - you are now my 'get some balls' inspiration. I too would have let this woman walk all over me and not known how to fight back, but if I'm ever in a similar situation I shall think of you and hopefully find my voice without peeing my pants in the process .

Enjoy UP, it's amazing.

Mabey Janes dh is a henpecked husband, sounds like it, and finds it difficult to stick up to her. My sister was quite nasty and her husband would stick up for her at every opportunity, she left him for another man and he is now happy. Mabey Janes dh was secretly happy that you stuck up to her when jane probably ranted to him about you. Enjoy the film and meal sounds lovely to me, i cant wait to do that kind of stuff with my dd who is 2.8 years

Well done Kami for standing up to her, I'm afraid some people liek this just want to take advantage of others, I've had it happen to me and it is hard to get out of it.

Like you I had my DS as an older Mum (41) and have really looked forward to spending a few years just enjoying spending time together, I dont mind spending the odd bit of time for DS sake with other DC's but dont want to get bogged down with expectations but will help out in an emergency. Nothing of this nature has really cropped up just yet but there is a Mum that keeps making pointed comments along the lines of "ooh look at all these people going home in their cars J*, when we have to walk" (yes really). I have been ignoring the comments as I dont mind giving lifts but I could forsee it turning into an expectation. I also wasnt sure I was seeing too much into it until this morning when I heard her doing the same to another Mum. Her DD didnt want to stay at school so was leaving as I got there and she was saying "Ooh come on J, at least we didnt have to walk all the way here in the pouring rain as X gave us a lift so we only have to walk home" As I came out I saw her going off in the other Mums car

Where do people get this cheek from

ha! you have the dh's support!

The DH is obviously not as bonkers as Jane!

Had a lovely time with my DD, film was great, food OK (Wagamama) Got home in a happy mood, still riding high on the wave of support from Mnetters. Plus Janes DH's unusually friendly behaviour. Called the other mum, who told me that Jane rang her in a v. distressed state, crying and cursing her bad luck in choosing "friends".
I admit that I'm trembling right now, mostly from anger but also cos I'm cold cos heater's off according to the Law of DH.
(and he's not even here) I've turned the heater on of course, but it takes while...ohgod I'm rambling.
The Mum wanted to tell me what Jane sai but honestly, I couldn't take it and asked her not to give any more details.
(I DID ALMOST LAUNCH MYSELF at poor Jane, though...Jane told the mum)
Phone rang at ten past ten and it was Janes DH. Jane is "beside herself", never been let down so badly before...
I feel like I'm in some sort of lousy pretend Kafkaesque play. I KNEW that the week of accepting lifts would come back to haunt me, but in those days I didn't know Jane and I couldn't go on offering her money as she was insisitng friends dont do that. I'm not back to square one, but I'm so upset and annoyed that this person keeps on aggravating me. And to think I felt a twinge of guilt when I saw Janes DH in his business suit and rosy hectic cheeks this afternoon. Sorry, had to get it off my chest, I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Again, you're the sweetest, loveliest, gutsiest, funniest straight talkingest, people I have never met.

ah, fuck 'em

some people are so inadequate

beside herself ??

what a crock of shite

she has had a bit of reality, what a shame

her dh is a dick to be taken in by it

walk into school with your head held high, love

She probably does feel very let down, is probably beside herself and unable to cope (she doesn't sound like she copes with stress well). BUT that doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice your hard earned time with your last child because of that.

I think you could be quite civil to her husband and explain that you are sorry to hear that she is upset, but that the arrangement was not working for the reasons you have already said.

You are so well out of that.

what???? her dh has done a turnaround????

the cheek of them. so badly let down my arse. pthththt

WTF why is that your problem, please dont go back to being used by her. Tough they have to get a childminder/nursery like everybody else who has to pay. They want something for nothing, what utter freeloaders, the dh is a wimp and a wuss. Enjoy the time with your dd she is important one in this and the relationship that you both have not her and her poor ds. Please keep us posted with updates, we will support you, i cannot believe the gall of the woman.

I've read this thread open mouthed.
Jesus Christ, the woman is a fucking lunatic !!!

Dont you go feeling guilty now, you have no right to be, she is the one who should be. They are their ds parents not you!!! stick by your guns and ignore the cow.

"She is beside herself" - bullshit - she is just pissed off that she is going to have to pay someone. Seriously, do not waste any more energy on this user.

Is there anyway you can screen your calls?

I have followed this thread but not posted before but I have to say that this Jane sounds very odd. There was no "arrangement" for her to feel "let down" from - I can't see why she might have thought it was okay to keep asking you to pick up her DS without once sitting down and asking if you minded it being some sort of continuing arrangement. Stay firm Kamikatze - you have done the right thing.

Aha - the saga continues. Repeat after me: "what a shame. I'm sorry I can't help you. Let me know how you get on. Gotta go, but let's talk soon."

Don't get emotional, don't stray from your resolve. There are so many more visits to the cinema and meals at Wagamama in store for you and dd WITHOUT this manipulative drama queen.

(You could tell her that Kiwi and the MN army are out to get her. 'Cause we ARE!)

Kami,

Stick to your guns,just keep saying NO.
Some people are this self involved,the world revolves around them.

Stay strong.

really agree with mollymawk - how can she feel "let down"? the woman (and it would seem her dh) have got a really warped view of reality. I feel angry on your behalf. Take comfort by knowing you're the better person in all this.

What a tosser - how the hell does he have the right to ring you? He may as well have started the conversation with "pack your bags Kami 'cause you're going on a guilt trip!!"

Loons. Utter loons, both of them.

Stay strong. You did the right thing.

Jane's upset would be understandable if you had an agreement that you would regularly look after her son, but it sounds as though she's just gradually increased how often she dumps him on you. I would make clear to any other mums that yopu never had an agreement with Jane to look after her son and that it started as an occasional thing which escalated until you felt it was affecting your time with your daughter, and that it was all one way.
She sounds a real drama queen.
Glad I never got involved in the mums at school gates stuff.

I've been reading this thread and I am officially gobsmacked . I really hope you stick to your guns.

If any of the school mums raise this issue with them, just tell them that 'Jane has been taking advantage of my good nature by using me as unthanked, unpaid childcare. When I realised what the situation could not continue, I told Jane that I would no longer provide childcare. Jane and her DH have responded by humilating me in public and heaping personal abuse on me. I'm sure you can sympathise with my decision to place the needs of my own family ahead of someone who has turned out not to be a friend at all.'

And if Jane or her DH contact you again - just tell them that they are behaving like despicable bullies and hang up.

Enjoy your freedom, Kami, and never feel guilty.

I wonder what their last slave died of?

Just keep repeating, either to yourself or to the loons if they call: 'It's not my problem. It's not my problem. Bye.' then hang up.