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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...make an issue out of his female best friend

78 replies

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 09:46

Hello

Not posted before but I read daily... thought maybe you guys could give your opinions on this situation.

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months, things are pretty good, he's met my children, etc - all fine. However his best friend is female, she is single, and in the past they've slept together (on two occasions he says). I thought that was a bit odd when he first told me, but thought hey, he's with me - forget about that. They didn't see each other all that much for the first 6 weeks or so that we were together, but recently they've been meeting up more (which he tells me about, which is good, right?). But now they've decided that they're going to go swimming together two evenings a week... was a bit when he told me, but didn't say anything. He rang me last night and said he couldn't see me tonight as they were going swimming, but will come over weds evening instead. I said ok... then about an hour later had a text saying "I can come and see you tomorrow (tues) after all as i'm not going swimming anymore". I replied saying "Oh, why's that..." to which he replied saying "X can't make it anymore and I'm not motivated enough to go on my own"

Am I being childish by feeling that I'm second choice? Like, if she was free he'd go swimming with her, but now that she's busy he'll come and see me instead. Part of me thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I can't helping feeling rubbish about it all.

Thoughts? I would prefer complete honesty, if I'm being a goon then tell me so! (PS. I'm confined to home every evening unless I get a babysitter or the ex and very not dear H happens to have the children. This may be adding to my frustration.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 09:47

NB. Left the word 'to' out of the title, duh!

OP posts:

Aeschylus · 03/11/2009 09:53

umm toughie this one...

Would you fell the same if his best friend was a man excl the sleeping together parts. if you would then I think talking to him is fine...

if you would not be bothered about if his best mate was a male, you are opening a can of worms in which can only lead to ruin. I just think you should be cool about it, plans change all the time in peoples lives, would you not be more upset if he said "I am now free Tuesday but I am going to spend it on my own"

Suck it up, unless it will always eat at you, but you are slowly heading for the "her or me" Scenario, whic will only end in tears

totalmisfit · 03/11/2009 10:03

he doesn't sound very reliable or grown up, either in the way he's handling things or in the things he does. Maybe it's just because i've been a parent for nearly 4 years but going swimming with a friend 2 nights a week is something that went the way of the dodo even before my university years... lucky if i can squeeze in a quick dip once in a blue moon nowadays. completely off the point, i know.

mustrunmore · 03/11/2009 10:08

Well, he was best friends with her before he was your boyfriend.

And on occasion I've not been in the mood for the gym and have contacted a friend on the off chance they're free for a drink or a chat. He's not putting you second, he's trying to make best use of the time given that he wasnt swimming after all.

thedollshouse · 03/11/2009 10:08

It is the sleeping together part that would worry me. I wouldn't be happy about a partner being friends with someone he has been intimate with but others are more relaxed about that sort of thing.

mustrunmore · 03/11/2009 10:10

I have friends I've slept with in the past, and have absolutely no desire to ever do so again, but they're good friends.

vanimal · 03/11/2009 10:12

I agree - he was not putting you second, he did want to se eyou as soon as his plans changed. It's fair enough to not to swimming if his friend doesn't want to go.

However the whole having a female best friend would definitely bug me.

Could you arrange to go out the 3 of you (or invite her over to yours?), so she becomes a friend of you two as a couple, rather than his friend alone?

CakeBuddy · 03/11/2009 10:14

If the best friend was a man and they were playing tennis once a week, or going to the pub, would you still be worried? She was his best friend before you got together (not sure how long they have been friends but potentially a long time?). To his credit, he has been totally honest with you about sleeping with her in the past, presumably so you don't find out later in your relationship and wonder why he never told you before. You've been together 3 months, which is a great start, but it's healthy that he's still seeing his other friends and maintaining previous friendships with the people who have probably supported him through previous break-ups and his time being single before he met you.

I can understand how you'd feel a little bit second best when he calls you after his friend cancels their plans, and it's not childish to be honest about how it makes you feel, but I'm sure that as your relationship progresses and things fall into more of a steady routine between the two of you, then it will all fall into place. HTH?

Helloall · 03/11/2009 10:19

Hmmn, tricky one. You've been seeing each other 3 months. Not that long in the bigger scheme of things.

I think you should bite your lip and see how it goes for a while longer. I'm sure as and when your relationship grows you will get a better handle on the situation. Can understand how you feel but I can't see what you will gain from confronting it with him about his friendship with her.

Have you met her? This could be a good idea. If it were me I think I would want to meet her a few times - if he doesn't want you to meet up then maybe you have a right to ask him why?

I wouldn't worry too much about the fact they've slept together in the past - that sort of stuff happens and can actually be a good thing - as in there is no forbidden fruit. I'd be intrigued to know - if they've slept together, why they didn't form a relationship? Did he not want to? Did she not want him? A little bit of gentle detective work might reveal more.

Longtalljosie · 03/11/2009 10:24

I think she comes as part of the package tbh. How long ago was the sex thing? Because if it was years ago and they haven't felt any need to do it again despite many opportunities, you're probably completely safe.

diddl · 03/11/2009 10:37

I´d be a bit that he´d rather go swimming with her than see his new girlfriend.

Can´t help thinking that his best friend doesn´t want him,but doesn´t want anyone else to have him.

Uriel · 03/11/2009 10:46

I'd have made other plans for that night...

SolidGhoulBrass · 03/11/2009 10:49

It's a really bad idea to start stamping your foot and trying to see off other women-who-are-friends-bu-not-sex-partners this early into a relationship. It makes you come across as unreasonably monogamist and demanding. If you are intensely monogamist, then make sure you only have relationships with people who are equally so, otherwise you will make yourself and any more-relaxed partners very unhappy.

TrillianAstra · 03/11/2009 11:07

He made plans for the evening, the plans were cancelled, so he called you to ask if you fancied doing something instead.

Would you not do the same? It's not being 'second choice', it's 'having other plans, and other friends'. This is normal.

TrillianAstra · 03/11/2009 11:07

I would definitely want to meet her though.

Lyndor · 03/11/2009 11:13

I would feel the same as you. I had a male "pal" and it was only friendship, but years later he admitted having feelings for me and I was so shocked ..... so I would be a bit suspicious too. Hope it works out, know what its like not getting a baby sitter.

violethill · 03/11/2009 11:14

I think you need to do a bit of soul-searching here, and ask what it is you want him to do.

3 months is a drop in the ocean.... do you really want him to drop his best friend? Do you think he ought to drop his best friend? Surely it would show a rather unpleasant trait of disloyalty to drop someone who has been around longer than you?

I would recommend keeping yourself busy - there is nothing more unattractive than neediness.

alicet · 03/11/2009 11:20

Agree with Trillainastra.

However I think what is making it harder for you is that you are never in the same situation as you are stuck without a babysitter and therefore probably have far too much time to stew at home and worry about things that are probably nothing to worry about!

My dh had lots of female friends when we met, a couple of whom he had shagged or even been involved with in the past. i comforted myself by knowing that if they wanted to be together then surely it would have happened? Also agree with the poster that better they have slept together and chosen not to be in a relationship as at least there is no unresolved sexual tension!

Def would be interested to meet her and also get a bit morebackground though - like why are they not together when they clearly get on well and how long ago it was that they slept together. The fact he has been totally open is a very good thing though and i would try not to worry too much about it

curiositykilledscarybin · 03/11/2009 11:22

I think the problem here may well be that you are making too much of your life about him. If you are stuck at home with your children all the time and he's the highlight of your week it's going to be really hard for him to please you!

If he's your boyfriend you either trust him or you don't. If you do trust him let him do what he likes re the best friend. Being suspicious and paranoid won't stop him cheating if he is going to.

If he doesn't have children he'll find it really hard to understand you feeling frustrated by his freedom to go swimming if he likes and not if he doesn't fancy it. If you were free in the same way you wouldn't mind so much.

He does sound a bit immature, particularly in the way he relates to people. Perhaps you are wanting the relationship to be more serious than it is? There's nothing wrong with a trivial relationship as long as it makes you happy and you remember that you have to live your own life outside your relationship and not pin your whole social life on your boyfriend.

AliGrylls · 03/11/2009 11:24

I can understand a bit how you would feel. I would possibly feel a bit the same - I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling the way you do however, I can see his perspective too - he probably does not want to lose a good friend. The only way to tell if he has feelings for her is to see them together.

I think you should suggest that you all go out together for dinner or a drink and then it would give you an opportunity to get to know her, then you will know whether you are right to be suspicious of him or not.

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 11:24

Wow thanks so much for all the replies, that's really helpful. I know I'm running the risk of it looking like I'm stamping my feet, which is why I needed some advice about how to handle it. I have asked why they didn't have a relationship after they slept together and he was very evasive, said something about not really fancying her The most recent time was a few months before I met him...

Ah well, it is still early days and I'm going to see how it goes - definitely don't want to seem needy and I do always come across as easy going (may be partly the issue... my last boyfriend really took advantage of that and really messed me about, perhaps that is also what I am wary of...)

Those who suggested meeting her - that's a good idea, I'll see if I can broach that subject in the next couple of weeks and see what the reaction is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 11:28

Cross posted with the last few replies - thanks for those as well! You're right, too much time on hands doth a worrier make... I'm going to relax and chill out about it!

OP posts:

madamearcati · 03/11/2009 12:24

The thing that rings alarm bells for me is the fact that he didn't see her for 6 weeks but now they have started to do so again.
What's changed ?
Have you been invited to these swimming sessions too? If bnot YANBU to be suspicious.If they've slept together 'as friends' before , I don't think it's impossible they will again ?

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 12:35

OP, I'd be wary personally. I don't think it's possible to have a relaxed and secure relationship if you already feel uncomfortable about their friendship and past liason. There's always that shared experience that they have had together and even if they really don't have those feelings anymore, if only 3 mths into your relationship he's turning you down in favour of a swimming session with her, I'd be wondering why he isn't more keen to see you. Also, does she have a boyfriend? I'm afraid that despite other posters saying they maintain platonic friendships, I'm sceptical that such a relationship between a woman and a man is devoid of any other feelings on both sides as IME one or other party is usually harbouring something a bit more. Anyway, why does he need to have her as a best friend if he has you? Surely in a healthy relatinship, you're lovers and friends so there isn't a need for him to find a female friendship so close if he has it with you, unless he likes to keep her on the back burner for when he's single again?

alicet · 03/11/2009 12:44

displayuntilbestbefore I think it is a bit OTT to say that the op's boyfriend doesn't ened a female friend anymore now he has her!!! They have only been together 3 months. Tbh that sort of attitude would most likely send most blokes running a mile in the other direction while shouting 'bunny boiler!' Of course you need other friends in spite of a partner who is both lover and best friend. On a similar note surely you have several friends and not only 1?

If the OP cannot trust her boyfriend with this girl then best she calls it a day for her own sanity really rather than demanding that he stops being friends with her

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