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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...make an issue out of his female best friend

78 replies

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 09:46

Hello

Not posted before but I read daily... thought maybe you guys could give your opinions on this situation.

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months, things are pretty good, he's met my children, etc - all fine. However his best friend is female, she is single, and in the past they've slept together (on two occasions he says). I thought that was a bit odd when he first told me, but thought hey, he's with me - forget about that. They didn't see each other all that much for the first 6 weeks or so that we were together, but recently they've been meeting up more (which he tells me about, which is good, right?). But now they've decided that they're going to go swimming together two evenings a week... was a bit when he told me, but didn't say anything. He rang me last night and said he couldn't see me tonight as they were going swimming, but will come over weds evening instead. I said ok... then about an hour later had a text saying "I can come and see you tomorrow (tues) after all as i'm not going swimming anymore". I replied saying "Oh, why's that..." to which he replied saying "X can't make it anymore and I'm not motivated enough to go on my own"

Am I being childish by feeling that I'm second choice? Like, if she was free he'd go swimming with her, but now that she's busy he'll come and see me instead. Part of me thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I can't helping feeling rubbish about it all.

Thoughts? I would prefer complete honesty, if I'm being a goon then tell me so! (PS. I'm confined to home every evening unless I get a babysitter or the ex and very not dear H happens to have the children. This may be adding to my frustration.)

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 12:56

alicet - I totally agree that demanding he stop seeing her is too much when they've only been together a short while, however what I was trying to say is that usually there's some sort of "honeymoon" period during the start of a relationship and so I felt that if even in the first 3 months of the relationship, the boyfriend is seeing so much of his friend, it didn't particularly bode well and if he's so attached to that friend that even a new girlfriend isn't enough of a distraction, then I can't see how in the future, the OP is going to ever feel like she "the" one, so to speak. Only my opinion and he may well turn out to be a decent bloke etc., etc but I used to have a close male friend who I had had a romantic link with for a while but when I met my now-husband, I took the decision to let that friendship go as I could be honest with myself and see that it wasn't just the friendship that I enjoyed, the fact we'd had the sizzle in the past added to it but once I'd found the new guy who really did it for me (and we've been together for 16yrs now), I didn't see a need to keep in touch with my friend and it naturally fizzled out.

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 13:02

and I have a lot of friends but no close male friends other than the partners of female friends or those I've met through my dh. I don't have any male friends who I go out with socially without my dh apart from a very close gay friend nor does dh have a female friend who he goes out with regularly.

Each to his own but I think the fact that OP is already feeling a bit anxious about the truth behind the friendship is enough for me to say move on and find someone who is a bit more grown up!

womblemonster · 03/11/2009 13:04

Get your Nikes on and run several miles very very quickly.

alicet · 03/11/2009 13:06

display I get where you are coming from in your last couple of posts. However the fact you say you have lots of friends surely shows that you need more than one person to be happy? Even if that 1 person is the love of your life?

I think whether you are happy that your other half has friends of the opposite sex or not is a very personal thing tied up not just in how much you trust them but also what experience you have in your past, in particular whther precious partners have cheated on you or not. It is something that I am totally happy about but equally get why you are not

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 13:07

Of course a complete cynic might think how convenient to say he's gone swimming as that would excuse the fact that he always turns up having recently showered and looking a bit flushed.......

alicet · 03/11/2009 13:07

Oh and I mean more than 1 friend not more than 1 person to shag!!!!!

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 13:13

TBH I think I just got a bit too wordy when I should have just said what womblemonster said!

OP - Loads of friends is good, boyfriend of just 3 months who has recently decided to start swimming with friend who he's slept with in past isn't so good IMO

smee · 03/11/2009 13:16

I think he is being quite grown up though, as he's not hiding anything. + maybe it's good he's slept with her and it's over and done with, so they can be just friends. He is a man after all . fwiw, both me and DH have close friends of the opposite sex - in both cases they're long term friendships and on both sides there's one that we've slept with before meeting each other. I did worry a bit at first, but then I'd have been a hypocrite if I'd said I didn't want him to see his friend, as no way was I giving up mine. In the end you have to trust him I'd say. Works for us.

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 13:57

Argh! Confused.com!!

It's not at all that I want him to stop seeing his friends - I'm perfectly happy for him to have friends, and even other female friends, but the fact that it's one particular girl that he is close to is what irks me slightly.

I guess worst case scenario is that he's always had a thing for her (they've known each other for 5+ years) and that she has just wanted to be 'friends', but that on two occasions she's given in to a sympathy shag, possibly knowing that he's so into her that he'll still want to be friends as will take anything he can get. I just don't want to be the steady and reliable girlfriend who is always there and available, whilst emotionally he's tied up with someone else who he can't have....

Like I said, worst case scenario.. and I think I need to give him a fair chance, hopefully meet her and hopefully find that I've blown it all out of proportion. He has been honest (as far as I know) so I'm going to trust him... especially as he just came over in his lunch hour to fix my bathroom light

OP posts:

thesecondcocking · 03/11/2009 14:08

you have been together for 3 months
what did you do with your life before you had a boyfriend?
i have friends i have slept with,they are good friends, i spent saturday day out with my ex (the one i was with when i met dp) and dp knows all about it. i wouldn't stop seeing anyone if my partner told me to do it (other than possibly the partner who decided to beak into the rest of my life)

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 14:15

Thesecondcocking - it's not about what I do with my time, I am perfectly happy seeing him as and when, and I easily fill my time when he's not around. I certainly haven't told him to stop seeing her and nor would I consider doing that, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable in thinking that perhaps there is more to it. I personally find it hard to see someone that I've had sex with as just a friend... but I accept that everyone is different.

OP posts:

thesecondcocking · 03/11/2009 14:22

if it was a male friend would you have the same problem? i am sure the answer would be no- i think what you need to do is be available when it suits you,don't spend hours on MSN/texting to and fro and have a life and outside interests when you aren't together that way you wont feel second best...
i had a long distance relationship with dp before we moved in together-i used to love hearing his news when i did see him rather than having it all on msn/email/text. it's nice to have something else to talk about.
See friends,do a course,read books and then you wont need to analyse what he does with his life now,he's only been seeing you 3 months, it's really early days, tbh i am a bit about him meeting your kids-why have you done that (if you don't mind me asking?)

Original poster

Confusedsoul · 03/11/2009 14:40

Of course I don't mind you asking - to be honest he was the one who kept mentioning meeting the children - he's met them 2 or 3 times over the last few weeks, for a couple of hours each time. He's only been introduced as mummy's friend (my oldest is 4.5). I did speak to a few friends about it before I let him meet them and they were all of the opinion that if I want him to be part of my life then he should meet them, and the fact that he was keen to was seen as a good thing.

We don't speak/text all that often and I agree with you that it's nice to have news to catch up on when we see each other. Maybe I should make myself less available though, and develop some more interests.

OP posts:

thesecondcocking · 03/11/2009 14:50

you see my 'alarm bells' are going off here now...why would he want to meet your children? and by that measure why have you not met his friend? have you met his other friends? or is it just this one in question you've not met?
my view (during the decade or so i was single yet dating) was when i was sure there were 'legs' to the relationship they'd meet,she met erm my current dp after 9 months...not saying this is what everyone should do,just don't 'get' what the rush is?

mayorquimby · 03/11/2009 15:00

yabu
i know exactly who i'd choose if a new girlfriend made an issue out of someone who had been my best friend for a long time.

slushy06 · 03/11/2009 15:46

Try not to worry my best friend is a bloke who I had a 6 month relationship with 7 years ago. we have alot in common and for that reason as we just seem to mesh well thought we would give a relationship a go however we had mistook the care and feeling we had for each other and it turned out there was no spark so we split up.

I have two dc now and a wonderful dh who is perfectly happy for our friendship to continue I have offered to only meet him when dp is present if he would prefer but he said he trusts me.

we worked out a long time ago that the feelings just are not there for anything more than friends perhaps it is the same for your dp.

madamearcati · 03/11/2009 15:47

Its clearly not a platonic friendship though is it ?

slushy06 · 03/11/2009 15:51

madam was your question to me or the op?

mrsjammi · 03/11/2009 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madamearcati · 03/11/2009 15:56

Neither , Mayorquimby {grin}

mayorquimby · 03/11/2009 16:00

exactly madam.i'd chuck em both and become the lone wolf i'd always dreamed of

slushy06 · 03/11/2009 16:01

madameok see look there I go thinking I am the center of the world again.

Hullygully · 03/11/2009 16:03

Agree Diddl - think it's most likely that best friend is worried he might disappear on her and wants to ensure he's available for her when she wants.

porcamiseria · 03/11/2009 17:29

I think she may be a dog in the manger, but agree its too early to kick off, but be very wary if I was you. Try and keep very busy and un-needy but watch yer back with this one I'd say

themerrywidow · 04/11/2009 21:46

If you have a bad feeling about this friendship you are probably right. I agree 3 months isn't long to be making demands so don't, just watch. My partner had a stable of exes and female friends when we met and at first I didn't see these as a threat, as indeed they weren't. 4 years on he isn't in touch with any of them any more but he has admitted that the emotional ties to one were not fully severed and the 'friendship' was unfinished business. Many men like to keep hold of female friends as back up if relationships go wrong and whilst this lady may not be a threat, if you haven't taken her place in your man's affections in the next 6 months you need to leave them to it and find someone more compatible with your needs.

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