...make an issue out of his female best friend

[Confusedsoul]

Hello

Not posted before but I read daily... thought maybe you guys could give your opinions on this situation.

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months, things are pretty good, he's met my children, etc - all fine. However his best friend is female, she is single, and in the past they've slept together (on two occasions he says). I thought that was a bit odd when he first told me, but thought hey, he's with me - forget about that. They didn't see each other all that much for the first 6 weeks or so that we were together, but recently they've been meeting up more (which he tells me about, which is good, right?). But now they've decided that they're going to go swimming together two evenings a week... was a bit when he told me, but didn't say anything. He rang me last night and said he couldn't see me tonight as they were going swimming, but will come over weds evening instead. I said ok... then about an hour later had a text saying "I can come and see you tomorrow (tues) after all as i'm not going swimming anymore". I replied saying "Oh, why's that..." to which he replied saying "X can't make it anymore and I'm not motivated enough to go on my own"

Am I being childish by feeling that I'm second choice? Like, if she was free he'd go swimming with her, but now that she's busy he'll come and see me instead. Part of me thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I can't helping feeling rubbish about it all.

Thoughts? I would prefer complete honesty, if I'm being a goon then tell me so! (PS. I'm confined to home every evening unless I get a babysitter or the ex and very not dear H happens to have the children. This may be adding to my frustration.)

Perhaps I can tell you it from the female friend's POV. I've seen girlfriends come and go, had them hate me for being his pal and shared a bottle of wine with my pal Simon when relationships have gone wrong and even sometimes toasted his lucky escape because girlfriends have flounced off over me. We've been friends for 31 years, since we were teenagers.

I'm his FRIEND, someone who is there through hell and high water, who has been there for him long after lovers have gone. No more, no less. Simon and his lady have been together for about 15 years now. She's really lovely and often tells him with a grin to sod off to mine for a weekend when he's not so cheery - and he does and goes back home all the better for it. Heaven forbid, if Simon and his DP should ever spilt up, I'll still be there for my dear friend, as he was through my dating days, my marriage and my divorce. You can't put a price on friendship like that. Just because I happen to own a pair of boobs and not a dick is irrelevent!

Give your new man the benefit of the doubt. If you find out you've made a mistake, its done now anyway. If you haven't you'd be a fool to lose him over unnecessary fears and if his pal is like me, who knows, you may have gained a partner and a new friend yourself, just as Simon's DP is my friend now too.

YABU. My best friend is a bloke and I always make this clear to any partner I have. I love my best mate, he's been through the tough teenage years with me and we're really close, my boyfriend is moving in with me tomorrow and meets my best mate for the first time tomorrow, boyfriend has been told to suck it up, best friend has been told to be nice

What disturbs me is the fact that people on here believe that a man and woman cannot be friends without there needing to be more If his best mate was a bloke you wouldn't say a thing.

I am a little confused by those saying 'if it was a male friend would you feel the same', the fact is SHE is not a male friend and they have SLEPT together. Therefore its a completely different situation.

I don't think its as simple as saying guys and gals can't be friends, but with someone he slept with less than a year ago? To me it screams of one wanting more and the other didn't want to lose their 'on call' opposite sex attention, so they slept together. Low and behold it didn't help and they parted company for 6 weeks. So why is it all back on? Do true friends usually part for 6 weeks then make 2 swimming dates a week? No! Something happened and thats the area for concern as this only happens when there is some emotional attachment. And I mean that emotional attachment that only occurs between male and female.

Now I am not suggesting you demand he stops seeing her but be very very wary. I have witnessed this with my own eyes!

Vallhala and PixiNanny seem to be in an extremely rare position. I don't ask this cynically but just wonder if you too have slept with your best friend? I only ask as this is the key point in this situation.

Yes, COD, when we were about 17 or 18 - that was about 28 years ago. A one off, we were both pretty p!ssed as I recall.

Love my male best friend as I do (and, I'm pretty sure he'd express equal affection to me), it just wouldn't happen again... we're like brother and sister and have been for many years, it would seem incestuous. We adore our respective partners and have viewed each other as nothing more than friends since the morning we woke all those years ago!

Many Congrats Vallhala, you are indeed very lucky and have gone a smidgin of a way to changing my somewhat cynical view of this matter.

Although I have witnessed the other side of the coin firsthand. I did cross the line with my best friend, in hindsight because he wanted more and I WANTED there to be more between us because we were just such good friends (yet I just wasn't that attracted to him). We were closer than I'd been, even with my girlfriends.
We spent some time apart after and we both got new partners. I'd made it obvious we could only be friends but he would always put me first and I know that if I said 'lets get together' he'd have dropped her immediately.

I agree with the wise advice of merrywidow, I'd expect their situation to naturally fizzle out within 6 months, if not theres prob more to it.
My situation did as it was just too difficult.
My friends partner had a best friend who was a girl and that too naturally came to an end as he became more committed to my friend.
Also know a girl whos partner left her for his best friend (girl) after a year (they had slept together before).

I may be wrong but I think most have some experience of the 'fallback'. Or maybe eating the forbidden fruit makes a long term friendship possible? There must be studies on this, I am so intrigued!

To anybody saying that men and women can be friends, get over it etc - in this case, they have slept together!! And it was quite recent.

I wouldn't mind my DP having female friends, but I admit I'd be very iffy if I knew he'd slept with any of them shortly before meeting me.

My best friend is male but I would never sleep with him, that would worry me.

i have a BF of 12 years standing. Recently i made contact with my first ever boyfriend from 38 years ago.He happened to be up my way watching a footie match and he rang me. I said do you fancy a curry after the footie. He agreed. I told my partner who i didnt see that night( we dont live together) and he was fine with it. My friend is happily married with 2 adult children and he says his wife is his rock. My BF asked me genuinely if i had a nice meal and i said yes.
I also said i will be doing it again as i think there is nothing wrong with a man who is friend or vice versa.BF is absolutely fine with it and he trusts me implicitly. However i do think going swimmimg is slighlt more intimate.

He slept with her shortly before meeting OP.

I guess the only true way to solve this is to meet her. If he gets on with her then its likely you will too. Meeting her and seeing how they act together could remove your concerns in an instant. Plus if he acts reluctantly towards you meeting her then he has answered all of our debating!

I don't see a reason to worry. If there were any stronger feelings involved then surely they would be a couple. They aren't and he's with you, that should be reassuring enough.

I wouldn't use against him that he told you that they've got a sexual history. If he had hidden it and you'd have found out through a different channel it would have been much more difficult. He's open and has nothing to hide, just appreciate it.

And it actually speaks for him that he's not discarding women and never speaks to them again when a new one turns up

I have several male friends who I've known for 25 years or so and for me also they are more like brothers or cousins now. I was very clear with dh when we got together that they were an important part of my life and I wasn't going to give up on the friendships. But tbh over the years we don't see so much of each other now due to family commitments, not living near each other, etc (but the same applies to some of my old female friends). And I absolutely have never had any romantic involvements with any of them!

I am also very respectful of their wives/partners and am careful not to do anything to give them cause for concern, iyswim...

I have one male friend who I have lost touch with as I think his wife possibly couldn't come to terms with our friendship - and I absolutely respect that and agree that he should his wife's feelings before our friendship.

I think if the OP's boyfriend had slept with his friend a long time ago it would be one thing but it is quite recent so tbh I would be assuming there were more than platonic feelings involved on one side or the other...

Fuck that, I would be saying bye bye.....

a meal and a drink is fine but swimming ,semi clad,recent sexual contact. i think you should do what carry on has said and ask to go out for a drink together. If he says yes then there is nothing to hide. If he says no, then i think you are in trouble. My BF has spoken to my male friends on the phone and they ring me in full earshot of my boyfriend with no secretive chats.

Has she or he ever contacted each other whilst you are around. If not i think it is a bit furtive.....and i would kick up a mighty fuss

I am really sorry, but i think that it is strange that he'd want to spend any free time he had away from you considering that the relationship is only 3 months old. As a previous poster pointed out, that is supposed to be the honeymoon period , when you can't bear to be apart. The fact that he slept with his 'friend' six weeks before meeting you would ring alarm bells.The posters
on here who think that there is nothing wrong with this scenario are living in cloud cuckoo land as far as i am concerned.
Let me give you the REAL scenario OP.
Your boyfriend has held a torch for this woman for a long time, she likes him a lot but is not attracted to him. She tells him that she wants to be friends, he agrees to thi, but still harbours romantic thoughts.She sleeps with him twice thinking that she could possibly develop romantic feelings towards him, but to no avail. They agree to remain friends. He meets you and develops feelings for you, but secretly wants to be with this 'friend'. She hears that he has got himself a new girlfriend and decides that she wants to spend more time with him. After all, there must be something about him since you (op) want him.
If i were you OP i would run like the wind.

you cannot control or censor your boyfriends friendships.so whether or not he and she have a thang (unrequited or not) you have to think about some issues
a is the sex between them something you/he can get over
b is this the real deal for you or him
c i like men who have female friends,imo adds a balance of male and female pov etc
d can you continue to date or will this thing always be toxic between you
e as his girlfriend you can
legitimately have expectation that he sees you makes quality time

but be careful you cannot attribute blamer to her disproportionately.takes two to tango,as they say.she aint compelling him

she didn't compel him to fuck her either
both consenting adults

anyways,suppose trust your instincts if it fees wrong.bale out

Wow just caught up with all these replies from the last couple of days, thanks so much to everyone who's responded. Obviously different viewpoints are what I wanted so it's great to hear so many. I'm still undecided...he ended up coming over twice this week as she cancelled their plans (swimming on tues and badminton on thurs ) .

I really don't mind having a boyfriend who has female friends, i have male friends and i honestly think that's fine. It is purely the issue of having such a close friend and one who he would choose to spend time with over me. An ex boyfriend had lots of male friends who towards the end of the relationship he chose to spend time with over me, and i had a problem with that too. In no way am I saying he should want to see me every day, i don't want to see him every day at all, but the whole "I'll see you if she's busy,otherwise i'll be with her" mentality is what irks me.

Forehead that scenario is exactly what I suspect and fear is the case... that they aren't together because she has vetoed it, if she changed her mind i probably wouldn't see him for dust.

Ah well i'm going to ride it out and see what happens over the next couple of weeks, and suggest meeting up with his friends. He went out with them all (inc her) last night for his birthday, i wasn't invited

Fwiw, I think any guy who cancels regular appointments just because he's got a new girlfriend is an arse. If they always go swimming on atuesday, why should it change just because there's a new woman in his life? You wouldn't ask him to cancel his macrame evening class either, because he should want to spend time with you instead.

As soon as she cancelled the appointment he wants to spend time with his new girlfriend. That's a good thing. He could decide to stay at home watch champions league and scratch his balls instead.

Also, the best friend has cancelled appointments twice, it could well be that she's actually nudging him into spending time with you.

The question when he slept with her is neither here nor there. I slept with my friend numerous times over the course of 6 years, the last time about a month before getting together with my husband, who I had been known for about a year at that point in time. To make things complicated it was long distance for a year when husband and I got together. Husband knew about past with friend, but at no point in time ever asked me to cease contact with friend. The opposite is true, the two guys get along like a house on fire. I even kept sleeping over at friends place (in separate rooms) after parties. It was never an issue, because husband trusts me.

Friend was invited to our wedding (with his wife and daughter) so were a couple of my husbands exes.

It's all a question of trust.

He didn't invite you to his birthday, need i say more.

he didnt invite you (his girlfriend) to his birthday?

you dont have a boyfriend you have a fuck buddy

he doesn't consider you appropriate to come to his birthday.that speaks volumes

After 3 months you should have been invited to his birthday.

Sorry, but that is ringing alarm bells for me.

Maybe he's not looking for or ready for a serious or regular relationship?

YANBU at all! You'd have an issue with him going to the pub with his mate Dave if he'd shagged him twice too right??

DH had a female friend when we first met - she was a peculiar girl who appeared to be stalking a friend of his. She'd turn up on a Sunday morning and join us for breakfast with no sense that maybe she was intruding, in the hope we'd see his friend at the pub in the afternoon. She came out with us as like the third person in the couple, it was just odd and I couldn't understand why he was humoring her.

We hadn't been together long at the time, but I knew it wasn't something I could put up with longterm, so said so - as in all things relationship wise, just be honest.

If it's bothering you now it will continue to do so, and I think he'll have the same problem with any new girlfriend tbh. Wether they admit ot or not.

he's just not that into you,op
move on