Presents for brothers and sisters on their siblings birthday

[sleepsforwimps]

Am I being unreasonable, my Mother in law has given my daughter a present on my sons birthday, and my son a present on my daughter's birthday. On my sons birthday (he was 1 dd was 2) I managed to hide the present and give her the toy about a week later as MIL was not at my ds' birthday so not a problem.

At my dd's 3rd birthday though my dd went to open one of her presents only to be told it was not hers but her brothers.. dd burst into tears as didn't understand why it wasn't hers as she rightly asumed all the presents were for her to open. Over the tears I explained to my MIL that I had told my dd before my ds's birthday that on someones birthday only that person gets presents as it is their special day. DD had been absolutely fine with that, no jealousy, just excited about that it would one day be her birthday. I think it would have been polite for my MIL to have told me prior to their birthdays that she wished to do this, as even if I didn't like it, I could have at least explained to dd that this was something that Grandma does. Instead the present was just left on the floor, no label, no explanation until DD went to open it.

My MIL has now explained why they are getting presents, but only after I asked why, she said she likes to buy her grandchildren a present on their siblings birthday "so they don't feel left out". I really don't agree with this, but it was only after my dd was in tears that I knew about my ds's present. MIL told me she does it for her daughters children and has always done that, it's something 'they do'. After explaining to her that I had explained to my daughter that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents on their birthday, they hid the present for my ds (who being 1 had no idea what was going on anyway).

I felt so awkward at saying something but needed to as I feel it's important that they don't 'expect' presents on others birthdays. Also it was confusing for my dd as was the opposite to what I had explained to her.. I told MIL how grateful I was for the present and she was welcome to give it to my ds on any other day but my dd's birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? I now feel so awkward about it, I'm truly grateful for her treating the other, but it's not how I wish to do things.

I have first hand experience of this my mum would buy us a little gift on my siblings birthday, we all got the same thing including the birthday child, it was only a little thing, (about 1 pound worth) and I think it made us share the birthday joy around, I don't think it made us selfish at all, the opposite in fact, as I always think birthdays are about others and not just yourself.

It also kept us all playing happily and watching each other enjoy the same toy and play with them in unison.

I liked the idea so much, I want to do it with my own dc's, so there is a good side.

I read a bit of an article recently that says DIL's don't often get along with MIL's because they see themselves as being crtisiced of their own child rearing and vice versa.

I don't have a mother in law any longer, but it really made me think about what my future might be having 2 ds's. We all need to be open to each other i think if we have good intentions which sounds like MIL's were

My MIL died before dh and I got married, and my parents often completely forget the children's birthdays (and mine too if we are not visiting). My FIL usually sends a cheque, but never contacts them or appears to want to spend any time with them. It's just how they are. Our children know that my mother will sometimes bring a present when she visits, and sometimes a parcel might arrive randomly in the post, or sometimes she will ring them up and say sorry that she forgot but she loves them very much. They seem quite capable of understanding that their grandparents do things differently than us and it's never been a problem. My dh's family are very very different from mine, and we in turn are quite different too.

I don't know why the OP is feels quite so strongly about not allowing a present to be given to her other child to the extent of feeling the present should be hidden away for another time. I can't see that it's such a big deal to get one present when your sibling is probably getting lots. Obviously the MIL should have put a label on though, and I can see that it was an upsetting scenario for a little one, and therefore upsetting to you too. I don't think that your MIL giving a present is going to make any difference to how your children feel about birthdays or whether they grow up to be spoilt.

I always got an un-birthday present when it was my sister's birthday and she got one for mine. It wasn't becuase either of us was too spoilt to cope with the other one getting lots of presents - it was just what happened.

I do it now for DS and DD and so does my mum.

The only thing that does sound unreasonable is the size of the present - the OP has said it wasn't a small present which I think is unreasonable - it should be the birthday person getting the big presents.

My MIL only asked yesterday if she could bring my older dcs presents on dc4s birthday, today. I said no.

My parents used to give my sister and I small presents on the other's birthday. It was great! Never took anything away from the birthday girl's special day.

I will probably do it if I had more than one child.

However I think I would be a bit if anyone else did - there's a difference between a sibling getting one small present from their parents and getting big presents from everyone else.

I think my parents only did it when we were quite young but I will always remember my mum giving me a hair slide thing at the end of my sister's birthday when I was about 10 to say thank you/well done for helping with her party. Made me feel very grown up!

I do agree that it was thoughtful of my MIL to think about my Dc's feelings when it wasn't their birthday. I think I would have been able to ignore a small token present easier, but both were BIG presents. She is a nice lady, I do get on with her, I am glad she's my MIL or MIL to be should I say. My partner had no idea of this 'tradition' so obviously not something she did for her children, it is something she has done for her daughters children then the tradition has been going for a whole 5 years. I do wish to opt my children out of this 'tradition', they are my children afterall and my partner , her son, does feel the same as myself about this. It was a bit awkward but as I say she did understand and I would rather us communicate and have a closer relationship than hide my feelings every year. So no great harm done here.

I must add though, it's a shame she didn't show the same consideration of my family's feelings when she booked a holiday over my ds's 1st birthday, told myself a couple of weeks before 'we forgot it was xxxxx's birthday' actually she never even told my partner and he just had a suprised look when I told him.. (ds was two months old when they booked it and they have many, many holidays a year). The present was thoughtful of her, in ways yes I am very lucky with who I have as my childrens grandparents, but my partner even says, his parents have different priorities to us, his father never even buys his mother a present on her birthday.. Myself I like to make people feel special on their birthdays, MIL included and I want to instill the same joy in giving in my children. I'd rather have my MIL at my childrens birthdays than send them these big gifts, sometimes the free things in life mean the most.

Have only read the OP but I totally agree with you, I think this is a really important lesson to learn as early as possible - sometimes it's someone else's turn!

My mum does this. Its just one of those things like differne things families do at xmas.

Hmmm, this reminds me of my childhood. In our case, my mother always gave a little present like a book, to my sister on my birthday and the other way around. Neither of us felt ever left out, there were no tears and it didn't do us any harm. We loved either birthdays and it was always a great celebration. The birthday girl felt very special indeed and had the bigger pressies of course, the other one was happy watching her sister opening them We could also bring 1 friend to each others birthday parties, which was great! I loved it!

My family and dh's do not do gifts for the child who is not having a birthday. But I caused a real scene on my birthday when I was little... I got the thing I'd longed for and seen in the shop window every time I walked past it and never thought I could possibly own - my heart's desire, a real Lundby dolls house. I knew they were terribly expensive. And was so overcome that I gave my little sister the next wrapped present because I couldn't believe there was anything else for me and thought it must be compensation for her.

Turned out it was the furniture... And my sister was FURIOUS because she wanted a Lundby dollshouse too and the present I tried to hand over was actually mine as well! (She did get her own dollshouse on her birthday some months later, btw.)

We have done this for all our kids and both my parents and the IL's do it too. I had it as a kid too. I see no harm in it so long as the child who's birthday it is, is getting the biggest present iyswim? However ther does come a time when this has to stop and we have decided that next year is the time.
Having said that, YANBU. after all they are your children and if you feel the other shouldnt be getting something on the siblings birthday then others should respect that.

I am in the minority here it seems. I always buy chocolate which I wrap nicely so the sibling can have something to open. It's something I have always done and I do it with mine too.

I still remember my granny giving my younger sister a present on my birthday. It made me feel like she didn't think my birthday was really special.
I think children need to learn that sometimes there are days that are ALL about someone else and they should be happy for that person without getting something.

I assumed everyone bought tiny presents for the siblings when children are little (disclaimer: this only applies to your own children). Now my three oldest are 8,7 and 6 I don't bother. I didn't realise this was controversial.

IMO you are digging yourself deeper with this comment OP:

"it's a shame she didn't show the same consideration of my family's feelings when she booked a holiday over my ds's 1st birthday"

FGS she's not allowed to buy a present for your son but she's not allowed to go away on his birthday either????

Why SHOULDN'T she go on holiday when she likes (presumably summer?)?

Is that strange too? It wasn't their 'summer holiday' they holiday all the time, it was just another holiday accidentally booked over his birthday. I personally would make sure I did not miss my Grandchilds 1st Birthday. How people differ.

Wow OP, your MIL really can't do anything right, can she? I expect if she were to cancel all her plans and put her life on hold for your children you'd be complaining about how over-involved and interfering she was.

I feel sorry for her.

YANBU you have to tell your MIL not to do this and that on a siblings birthday only the birthday boy/girl gets presents, at the end of the day children have to get used to this and the only way to do this is not to do what your MIL does. I am sure that she means well, if she contiunes to do this, hide the present somewhere safe where nobody can find it and give it to them later.

I would have liked her to be at my sons 1st birthday, is that a bad thing?!

Of course it isn't a bad thing that you would have liked her to be at your son's birthday. But to say that she lacked consideration for your family's feelings is coming on a bit strong, don't you think? She is being very thoughtful in giving presents promptly for the birthday child, and then extra thoughtful in wanting to make the other child feel special and included. You may not agree with her idea, but you cannot deny that she was being thoughtful.

Your son was turning 1 and would not have cared whether his grandmother was present on the day or not. I think it sounds lovely that your children have an interested, involved and generous grandmother who also has her own life and other interests and activities. This is a time in her life when she should be taking advantage of the opportunity to go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I imagine that she has had years and years of putting her own plans on hold for her children. Wouldn't it be a shame if she had to do the same for her grandchildren?

Aranea In reply to

"Of course it isn't a bad thing that you would have liked her to be at your son's birthday. But to say that she lacked consideration for your family's feelings is coming on a bit strong, don't you think? She "is being very thoughtful in giving presents promptly for the birthday child, and then extra thoughtful in wanting to make the other child feel special and included. You may not agree with her idea, but you cannot deny that she was being thoughtful.

Your son was turning 1 and would not have cared whether his grandmother was present on the day or not. I think it sounds lovely that your children have an interested, involved and generous grandmother who also has her own life and other interests and activities. This is a time in her life when she should be taking advantage of the opportunity to go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I imagine that she has had years and years of putting her own plans on hold for her children. Wouldn't it be a shame if she had to do the same for her grandchildren?"

I'm not denying the present was thoughtful, I've said that in most of my posts. I do think it lacked thought though when they booked one of many holidays over his 1st birthday. She did apologise to me for that saying it was a special one that they shouldn't be missing.

Regarding your view of her life, she has not had years of putting her plans on hold for her children, my partner left home at 16 and is nearly 40.

I have come across this before and I think it rather odd.

We have friends who always organise sthg special for the other child if one child is doing sthg.

If I started with that (I have 3 DC) it would never stop. It's bad enough keeping an eye on the "she had a lolly from that party bag, I want something" which comes from the DC, without starting anything else myself!

With 3 DC they have to learn to share. Say one of them wins a competition - my DS2 won a surfboard this summer (!) - how did I compensate the other 2? well I didn't, hopefully they were just excited and pleased for DS2! I guess they know they will get their turn.

Birth of a sibling a very different thign IMO - I ofetn buy something for mum and dad as well then.

sorry hadn't read whole thread, just first few posts.

Gather it has moved omn somewhat...

sleepsforwimps as per my previous posts I am with you totally on the present issue and have to say I think others are being rather harsh on you with regard to the holiday thing because whilst your MIL can holiday whenever she likes, it's maybe more the fact that she doesn't consult with you on these issues that is what causes the problem and everything would be so much easier if MILs and other family members communicated better esp when it affects other people's children.

I am very surprised that people think grandparents should consult their dil before making holiday plans. And I don't really understand why you brought this up in any case? Especially since she has apologised to you. You obviously feel very hard done by and I am struggling to see why.