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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents for brothers and sisters on their siblings birthday

137 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/11/2009 09:51

Am I being unreasonable, my Mother in law has given my daughter a present on my sons birthday, and my son a present on my daughter's birthday. On my sons birthday (he was 1 dd was 2) I managed to hide the present and give her the toy about a week later as MIL was not at my ds' birthday so not a problem.

At my dd's 3rd birthday though my dd went to open one of her presents only to be told it was not hers but her brothers.. dd burst into tears as didn't understand why it wasn't hers as she rightly asumed all the presents were for her to open. Over the tears I explained to my MIL that I had told my dd before my ds's birthday that on someones birthday only that person gets presents as it is their special day. DD had been absolutely fine with that, no jealousy, just excited about that it would one day be her birthday. I think it would have been polite for my MIL to have told me prior to their birthdays that she wished to do this, as even if I didn't like it, I could have at least explained to dd that this was something that Grandma does. Instead the present was just left on the floor, no label, no explanation until DD went to open it.

My MIL has now explained why they are getting presents, but only after I asked why, she said she likes to buy her grandchildren a present on their siblings birthday "so they don't feel left out". I really don't agree with this, but it was only after my dd was in tears that I knew about my ds's present. MIL told me she does it for her daughters children and has always done that, it's something 'they do'. After explaining to her that I had explained to my daughter that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents on their birthday, they hid the present for my ds (who being 1 had no idea what was going on anyway).

I felt so awkward at saying something but needed to as I feel it's important that they don't 'expect' presents on others birthdays. Also it was confusing for my dd as was the opposite to what I had explained to her.. I told MIL how grateful I was for the present and she was welcome to give it to my ds on any other day but my dd's birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? I now feel so awkward about it, I'm truly grateful for her treating the other, but it's not how I wish to do things.

OP posts:

DandyHighwayMum · 02/11/2009 11:22

Think you're making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

It was nice of your MIL to get the non-birthday child a present. Someone giving an unasked for gift is something to be appreciated.

Yes, she should have marked the present.
Don't think she should have asked you beforehand though.

Really not a big deal, you just thank her for the present and, if you really object, ask her if she'd mind not doing it in future.

My dc2 is only 6mths so this issue hasn't arisen for me yet. I don't think I'll be giving my kids a present on their sibling's birthday. But my mum often (although not always) brings presents when she visits, which she doesn't do that often. So if she came to DD's birthday and brough DS a present, to me it would just be what she normally does when she visits.

jamaisjedors · 02/11/2009 11:28

A few thoughtful people sent gifts for DS1 when sending a present for DS2's birth.

We thought it was lovely.

It was v. hard for DS1 (age 2) who had just had Christmas and understood about parcels and wrapping paper, to see all these presents arriving for his new little brother.

My mum usually sends a little something for both DS on their birthdays, so that they have something to open too.

It avoids a lot of tantrums.

I don't think it will need to continue indefinitely but I think it can help avoid resentment.

Linnet · 02/11/2009 11:28

YANBU
My granny does this for my two girls, she buys the birthday girl a present and one for her sister. I don't agree with this and I have absolutely no recollection of her doing this with my brother and I when we were children, although she'd say otherwise.

DandyHighwayMum · 02/11/2009 11:42

jamais IMO the birth of a sibling is very different to a sibling birthday.

When DS was born 6 months ago, many people bought 4yo DD a 'big sister' present, including DH and I. It was very kind and really helped DD.

cluccles · 02/11/2009 11:52

my MIL does this too, at DD's cousin's birthday she bought something for his sister and for my DD also! doesn't really bother me that much, it's up to her, although DD is young enough at the moment not to expect it

sunnydelight · 02/11/2009 11:59

YANBU. Why isn't it ok for kids to learn that sometimes other people take centre stage? It's the same kind of life lesson as teaching children to be gracious losers in games/sport.

clam · 02/11/2009 12:06

I think children need to learn that someone else's birthday is about celebrating their day and making it special for them. And that usually involves giving gifts. Giving. We can make a really valuable point to kids about the gift of giving, and that it's not about receiving something in return.

God, don't I sound pious?

Any birthday cake left?

madamearcati · 02/11/2009 12:14

YABU Your MIL is doing a lovely , thoughtful thing.I think you created the problem by hiding your DD's present on your DS's B'day .Had she been given it then she would have been expecting her brother to get one too !
We do it for out DCs and they have always been pleased for the other siblings to have a little bit of something.But they are sharing and unselfish children (though I say it myself )

Thingiebob · 02/11/2009 12:38

How strange? A birthday is a special day on which you make a fuss of the individual. I don't understand why other siblings need to have presents bought for them as well. To stop them from getting upset or having a tantrum?? Can't they let one sibling be the centre of attention for one day?

I don't think you are being unreasonable and think this practice is even more unreasonable especially as your ds is only 1 anyway!

I do however think it is nice of your MIL to get a pressie for your little one, but you give it on another day.

I remember this kind of thing when I was younger - children at birthday parties kicking off because there were not presents for them as they were not the birthday child.

clam · 02/11/2009 12:41

OK, so what about party bags, then? It's the birthday child's "day," but all the guests get a bag full of tat gifts.

narmada · 02/11/2009 12:47

Hmm, my in-law family does this (buys/ expects presents for the other non-birthday kids) and I have never been really keen, for the reasons many others on here have given - e.g., the importance of learning that the world does not always revolve around you, and that other people can have their special days too, that presents are nice to give as well as to recieve, etc etc etc.

My in-laws/ SIL also routinely ask for input on 'whether our dD would like this or that' and we don't generally buy their kids a present without asking what might be most welcome. I hate it!!! they say it makes things easier, but I think it turns presents into commodities rather than tokens of affection, but that's a whole other issue. rant rant rant...

So I think YANBU. maybe for the sake of family relations and a quiet life, though, it's best to let it go....

narmada · 02/11/2009 12:49

what I meant to say was maybe it is best to let it go - sorry

CrystalQueen · 02/11/2009 12:54

My mum still buys me a present on my sister's birthday (I am 32 and she is 36)!

Hunting · 02/11/2009 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/11/2009 13:07

YANBU. What's wrong with a birthday being about the person whose birthday it is rather than being for everyone?! Christmas is when everyone gets presents and yes, it's nice when the siblings of a new baby get a gift as well as the new baby as a kid of big sister/brother acknowledgement, but on birthdays from then on it's the only time the birthday girl/boy can have a day that's THEIRS to enjoy, so why give everyone presents? It's nothing to do with being a diva on your birthday, just understanding that everyone has their turn at having a special day and learning to accept that if it's not your birthday you can still enjoy giving presents and seeing sibling open them etc.
I can see the MIL is being kind but it's misplaced IMO as the children will never learn that they don't have an automatic right to presents if even on their siblings birthday they also get something.
Some GPs enjoy giving presents all the time and it's not always helpful!

Heated · 02/11/2009 13:09

Tut, can't believe some of you...OBVIOUSLY the answer is to time conception so siblings birthdays are within days of each other, as we have done, so totally avoiding this problem. But any more than 2 weeks apart and you'll have ructions.

bigTillyMint · 02/11/2009 13:13

We have had this too.

I agree it is a bit strange, but it has never been a problem - just say Nanny sent this little prezzie for you so you wouldn't feel left out on bro/sis birthday. No-one seems to mind!

PoppyIsApain · 02/11/2009 13:14

My sister does this with her children, i think its nice and makes no room for sulking from the other child

squeaver · 02/11/2009 13:19

It's weird but some people do it. I think you're making a bit of a big deal out of it tbh.

My mother does something equally nuts - when someone has a baby she buys something for the sibling too (for the same reason, "don't want them to feel left out"). She does this for people she barely knows e.g. her hairdresser's daughter.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/11/2009 13:26

but surely we should be teaching our children that there isn't a place for sulking instead of doing what we can to simply keep children sweet all the time?
Other people have birthdays and children need to accept that. I agree it can be hard. My eldest ds had a big problem once his first sibling was old enough to get really great birthday presents that he wouldn't have minded having himself and that birthday he was a real grump and very ungracious so we took him to one side and calmly, kindly but firmly explained that on that day it was his brother's birthday so he got presents but when it was HIS birthday HE would get presents and his brother wouldn't get any, so everyone has a turn at having the special day. No problems since then.
Too much pandering to children IMO! They need to learn the imnportant lessons in life and if they can't go so someone's birthday without sulking that it's not them opening the presents then I'd be pretty embarrassed!

pippylongstockings · 02/11/2009 13:50

My sister and I always used to get an 'un-birthday' present on each other's birthdays. It would be a small token present like a book or felt-tips - but it was part of a tradition that felt nice.

I agree that it is important to instill the value of birthdays being a special day but it is hard thing for the other sibling to take on board without a green eyed monster appearing at least this softens the blow a little?

TigerFeet · 02/11/2009 13:55

it's just struck me whilst reading this thread that my IL's may well do this

hasn't arisen yet as dd2 is newborn

but i can see them providing a present for the non birthday child

i do hope they don't, i am of the persuasion that birthdays are for the birthday child

tantrums and sulks from the non birthdayee would be dealt with by means other than the provision of a present

i think it's an odd thing to do and had never heard of it

hope i'm proved wrong re inlaws

sunnydelight · 02/11/2009 14:02

But surely kids who sulk or get jealous in these situations need to be taught (and it can be done in the nicest possible way) to be gracious or less self-centered? It's just lazy parenting to try and avoid all situations where your child might be upset.

Aranea · 02/11/2009 14:07

YABU.

My granny always used to give my sister and me an 'unbirthday' present, and it was a really nice touch. I think it was probably right that it came from a grandparent and not from our parents, because then we genuinely felt that it was an indulgent 'extra', while our parents were focusing on the birthday girl.

I also think it is completely unfair to blame your MIL for your dd's upset, since you actually did know that this was a possibility as she had already done it once before and you had done nothing to indicate to her that it was a problem.

I don't agree that children will not learn to deal with others being centre stage just because they feel that a grandparent will indulge them. Give your children credit for a little more sophistication and let them have their own relationship with their grandmother.

jamaisjedors · 02/11/2009 14:37

Oh come on, all of you throwing about accusations of "lazy parenting" and "pandering".

Do you really expect a 2 year old NOT to mind when his brother works his way through a pile of presents?

Do you ALWAYS go for confrontation head-on every time ?

I agree with Aranea that it's nice coming from grandparents.

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