Presents for brothers and sisters on their siblings birthday

[sleepsforwimps]

Am I being unreasonable, my Mother in law has given my daughter a present on my sons birthday, and my son a present on my daughter's birthday. On my sons birthday (he was 1 dd was 2) I managed to hide the present and give her the toy about a week later as MIL was not at my ds' birthday so not a problem.

At my dd's 3rd birthday though my dd went to open one of her presents only to be told it was not hers but her brothers.. dd burst into tears as didn't understand why it wasn't hers as she rightly asumed all the presents were for her to open. Over the tears I explained to my MIL that I had told my dd before my ds's birthday that on someones birthday only that person gets presents as it is their special day. DD had been absolutely fine with that, no jealousy, just excited about that it would one day be her birthday. I think it would have been polite for my MIL to have told me prior to their birthdays that she wished to do this, as even if I didn't like it, I could have at least explained to dd that this was something that Grandma does. Instead the present was just left on the floor, no label, no explanation until DD went to open it.

My MIL has now explained why they are getting presents, but only after I asked why, she said she likes to buy her grandchildren a present on their siblings birthday "so they don't feel left out". I really don't agree with this, but it was only after my dd was in tears that I knew about my ds's present. MIL told me she does it for her daughters children and has always done that, it's something 'they do'. After explaining to her that I had explained to my daughter that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents on their birthday, they hid the present for my ds (who being 1 had no idea what was going on anyway).

I felt so awkward at saying something but needed to as I feel it's important that they don't 'expect' presents on others birthdays. Also it was confusing for my dd as was the opposite to what I had explained to her.. I told MIL how grateful I was for the present and she was welcome to give it to my ds on any other day but my dd's birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? I now feel so awkward about it, I'm truly grateful for her treating the other, but it's not how I wish to do things.

[madamearcati]

BIT OT I am always a little surprised by the fear some MNERs have that they cn spoil their children with kind acts. many MNers seem to think that you have to have this rather strict regime ,where every misdemeanor has to have a punishment which must never be wavered from.If they forget to take their glasses or coat to school you mustn't pop down with it for them , they can't have a little present on their siblings birthday or they will be spoiled.
In my experience my DC WANT to be good and usually they are disappointed in themselves after the event when they fail in this.
children respond better to kindness thoughtfulness and understanding than tough love.They learn what they live.My 4 DC are all 4 happy popular generous children who (usually) do the right thing because they want to , not because they are frightened of being punished if they don't

[BaronessBarbaraKingstanding]

I'm also rather sceptcial at the OP's 'I cannot contradict myself in front of the children' stance.

Why not? The world won't end.

Real life often means having to contradict yourself at some points, or (God forbid)change your mind, or explain that others do things differently and that's OK too, or tell white lies to avoid hurting others feelings.

This is whole thing is really not the black and white moral issue yu righteously try to claim it is.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

YABU, she was actually thinking about how your children felt. It was a nice touch and I would have been greatful.

My MIL never thinks of my DCs. Count yourself lucky.

[golgi]

I do this for my children. Maybe I am strange. I just remember that my parents did this for my brother and I, and how nice it was to get a little gift on the other's birthday.

I think YAB a little bit U - she's only buying them presents.

[flowerlady2]

YANBU its about teaching your children to respect someone's special day. Nothin' wrong in that, I'm woth oyu all the way, its a really odd idea to give a sibling a present.

[pointydogg]

I think you are being unreasonable to insist on it. The gps on both sides buy a present for the non-birthday child too. It's up to them. They are grandparents and I think it's fair enough to let them do what they want re this issue.

My dds have never ever found it confusing, nor has it spoiled them in any way.

[pointydogg]

I was talking about my dds' gps, in case that wasn't clear.

[joanneg20]

YABU.

My parents always did this with me and my sister, and I do it now with my young nieces and nephews. As others have said, it's a small token present just to make the sibling feel part of the day.

As for the 'where does it stop?' question - that is just absurd! If I recall correctly, my parents stopped doing it with me and my sister when we were about 10 and we were of course fine with it! I don't, now that I'm 32, get cross when my 37 year old sister gets all the presents on her birthday!

[pointydogg]

I am also a little surprised that the child with all the presents threw a stushie about one of them not being for her.

[joanneg20]

p.s. if you think about it, many adults do experience a version of this too - for example, on my husband's birthday, I get to go out and have a nice birthday dinner as well. Or I might eat some of his cake. Is this spoiling me??

[MmmHmm]

YANBU. Your MIL did things her way with her own DCs when they were small - it's up to you how you do things with your DCs now.

[Saucepanman]

Ok, what about this? On my ds 7th bday recently, FIL came down and we all went to Toysrus for ds to choose a present from him. FIL pointed out a pink lego set for dd, whose 4th bday was a few weeks earlier. I said no thanks, we are drowning in the stuff and we haven't come for that. FIL waits till my back is turned then asked dd if she wanted it- she of course says yes, though she was not expecting anything bless her. FIL practically sprints to till, I however notice and ask him wtf is going on- he denies that I had said no, and bends down to ask ds if he minds. I was LIVID,and told him so. I also pointed out that he now had no choice but to buy it after asking dd. Can you tell I am still blazing? Ds did not get a present on dd's bday, goodness knows what he must have thought.

[pointydogg]

Is it really up to the parent when the grandparenst can and cannot give a present? I disagree.

A parent should not aim to control every aspect of their child's life. It's not healthy. Good realtionships are much more improtant than a small present at the wrong time of year.

[alysonpeaches]

Im with crokky, humour her, the kids will get used to this as they grow.

Can I just clarify, the sibs get a present as well as the birthday boy/girl? not instead of? If its as well as I dont see the problem. If its instead of, then it is a bit strange, but its really your MILs decision as she does the present buying. Discuss it with your kids when they are a bit older, along the lines of ... yes grandma does this at birthday times, its a bit funny, but its just what she does and we still have to say thank you. Kids are remarkably accepting if they know its the routine.

[MmmHmm]

joanneg20, that's not really a comparitive point as the OP is not saying her DS shouldn't/didnt get to share b'day celebrations or cake etc (it would be most odd if anyone did this??), OP is saying that she has her own preferences specifically for presents on siblings b'days and she is entitled to not be undermined by her MIL.

[edam]

This is really about two different family traditions colliding. You need to be flexible about handling this - your children are part of your husband's family as well as yours. When you meld two families together, there will be times when one lots customs are different to the other.

A 3yo bursting into tears is not the end of the world - don't mean to sound callous but dd will have been over it pretty quickly. And both kids will learn that Granny has this custom, the rest of the world doesn't.

[MmmHmm]

Yes edam but where was the flexibility from the MIL in accepting that things won't always be done as she did them herself?

Flexibility might have been easier for the OP if she has been asked/advised in advance as a courtesy then she could have offered to be flexible, I think it's the stealth factor with the MIL effectively sneaking the present in that the OP has the problem with as much as the actual present.

[edam]

As has already been pointed out, the MIL had no reason to think there was an issue as the DIL had not objected on the previous birthday.

I'm a DIL, not a MIL, btw, so not biased!

[Inghouls2]

I think it's nice.. my Mil has always done this for my sons. It's called a "because you're worth it" pressie. It's only a token, usually a book or some top trumps but I think it's thoughtful.
I think you should let this go, tis a tiny molehill.

[pointydogg]

Maybe the mil would be more flexible about something which was a little bit important.

[TheFallenMadonna]

Actually, as soon as her MIL realised there was an issue, she hid the present do the brother had no idea that there had been one.

Which doesn't sound too horrible really...

[ConnieComplaint]

I agree with heated

My children's birthdays are three days apart - which means that generally people visiting will bring both gifts at the same time

Apart from DS's Godfather who only ever buys to his godchildren (he has 3 of them) and dd isn't one of them....but she understands!!

Though her godfather is married to ds's godmother so they both hit paydirt there

I can see both POV though - I would maybe have gotten annoyed about it 6/7 years ago, but it would have had more to do with the fact I didn't gel with MIL, now we get on much better I'd just accept that she adores her grandchildren & wants to spoil them

[mathanxiety]

Your MIL is daft and has created a problem where none existed. It's important for children to learn to be happy for others.

[CheerfulYank]

I think it's a silly practice but no real harm done here.

I think that it's important teach kids that other people have special days. I don't think that there's any reason to make them feel "part of the day" because, well, it's not their day. I'd rather have my DCs feel like they were part of the day by decorating for their sibling's party, helping with the cake, etc.

That being said, it's not a HUGE deal and I probably wouldn't make a fuss about it.

[EyeballsintheSky]

Goodness me, are all your children really so spoilt that they can't handle one day of it not being about them? The two year old that doesn't understand will understand when they are three so not a big deal. My nieces and nephew are all three years apart. Not one ounce of jealousy on each other's birthdays.

And it's a pretty sad state of affairs if someone can't be made to feel special on their birthday. What twisted logic some of you have.

OP YANBU.