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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents for brothers and sisters on their siblings birthday

137 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/11/2009 09:51

Am I being unreasonable, my Mother in law has given my daughter a present on my sons birthday, and my son a present on my daughter's birthday. On my sons birthday (he was 1 dd was 2) I managed to hide the present and give her the toy about a week later as MIL was not at my ds' birthday so not a problem.

At my dd's 3rd birthday though my dd went to open one of her presents only to be told it was not hers but her brothers.. dd burst into tears as didn't understand why it wasn't hers as she rightly asumed all the presents were for her to open. Over the tears I explained to my MIL that I had told my dd before my ds's birthday that on someones birthday only that person gets presents as it is their special day. DD had been absolutely fine with that, no jealousy, just excited about that it would one day be her birthday. I think it would have been polite for my MIL to have told me prior to their birthdays that she wished to do this, as even if I didn't like it, I could have at least explained to dd that this was something that Grandma does. Instead the present was just left on the floor, no label, no explanation until DD went to open it.

My MIL has now explained why they are getting presents, but only after I asked why, she said she likes to buy her grandchildren a present on their siblings birthday "so they don't feel left out". I really don't agree with this, but it was only after my dd was in tears that I knew about my ds's present. MIL told me she does it for her daughters children and has always done that, it's something 'they do'. After explaining to her that I had explained to my daughter that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents on their birthday, they hid the present for my ds (who being 1 had no idea what was going on anyway).

I felt so awkward at saying something but needed to as I feel it's important that they don't 'expect' presents on others birthdays. Also it was confusing for my dd as was the opposite to what I had explained to her.. I told MIL how grateful I was for the present and she was welcome to give it to my ds on any other day but my dd's birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? I now feel so awkward about it, I'm truly grateful for her treating the other, but it's not how I wish to do things.

OP posts:
zanz1bar · 02/11/2009 14:44

Unreasonable, why on earth can't you let Granny spoil her grandchildren.
Its only a small present on a siblings birthday, a lovely and kind thought.

Also really think you are going a bit OTT on how tearful your daughter got because just one present is not for her.

Yes children must learn not to expect presents on their siblings birthday But children should also learn not to expect that everything is for them and they should learn how to share a bit of the limelight.

Original poster
sleepsforwimps · 02/11/2009 14:50

My children are 1 & 3, they did not feel jealous or sulk or have tantrums when the other received their presents. So imo there is no need for the present to stop them feeling left out, or to stop tantrums/sulking! About a week before my ds's 1st birthday I explained to my then 2 year old about birthdays and how they are a special day for the person whose birthday it is and only they get presents. A few days later presents for my ds and a present for my dd arrived from my MIL. I would then be contradicting what I had previously said, and what I believe is right, by then giving her the 'unbirthday' present.

And how does a small child then understand that they only get the unbirthday present on a siblings birthday? won't they then feel left out on my birthday? their cousins birthdays... ?

My dd is already asking whose birthday is next as she is excited about someone else having a special day and getting them a present, as it should be imo.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepsforwimps · 02/11/2009 14:53

It was not a token present like a pack of felt tips btw it was a much bigger present.

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 02/11/2009 14:59

It's not about being mean or expecting too much of a child, it's about teaching children how to behave in society and that sometimes life is about enjoying OTHER people's special times instead of it always being about themselves.

Why shouldn't a child have all the limelight on their birthday? It's their birthday! The siblings will have the same on their own birthday so why not let children have a special day to themselves once a year!

After the initial issue that I posted about, birthdays since then have been a source of much excitement because for the brothers who aren't having the birthday, they get to decorate cakes, blow up balloons and help set the table for the party and the little ones put the things in the party bags.

Jux · 02/11/2009 15:10

It's a ridiculous practice. You handled it extremely well. You have also got your MIL cooperating with you over it so huge congratulations.

CountessVonKnackerstein · 02/11/2009 15:27

Sorry but YABU!
My Grandparents did this with my sister and I and we always loved it. Made us feel just as special not left out and not looking wistfully at the presents.

Not from parents though, it was a GP's thing.

crankytwanky · 02/11/2009 15:29

YANBU. It's surely more confusing to the sibling to give a present. When does it stop?

Someone in my family used to do this. I forget who, but I remember being upset when one year there was nowt for me on sis' b'day.
(I was probably in my teens )

Tis odd. You need to learn you can't always get what you want...

independiente · 02/11/2009 15:31

YANBU sleepsforwimps. This idea that every minute of childhood must be utterly happy or otherwise we have failed our children, and that each moment of happiness must be equal to everyone else's, is the path to a lot of spoilt children (and adults). Ditto the idea that a child must never have to feel minor jealousy - these small moments of gracefully swallowing back envy are what teach us how to do the same with bigger issues as adults.
And what a load of tosh that a child of, say, two cannot see his sibling opening presents without dissolving into tears and tantrums.
' It avoids a lot of tantrums.' Oh please.

yellowflowers · 02/11/2009 15:38

when we were kids I used to get a little present on my sibling's bday and he did on mine - justs something small - maybe a book or a pencil case, that kind of thin. It was nice to have something to open. We were also allowed a friend at each other's party too so we had someone to talk to.
I think it's a really nice thing to do.

madamearcati · 02/11/2009 16:18

Its more about the grandma wanting to spoil the childen than about trying to mollify a spoit demanding little 'verucca-salt type character'
Poor MILs can't do right for doing wrong .AND I can't understand why the MILs can't have a directr relationship with the children, and buy them presents if she wants.they are their own people and eveything shouldn't be conducted through the mother.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/11/2009 16:46

I'm lucky and my MIL checks with us before giving presents because she respects us enough to know everyone has their own way of parenting and might not want presents thrust upon children for no reason.MILs can be wonderful but the trouble starts if they're the sort who think they can do whatever they want even when it's against everything the parents are trying to instill in their child. Think OP did well to be able to approach it with her MIL in such a diplomatic way.

SherryMerryLennipillar · 02/11/2009 16:47

Wholeheartedly agree madmearcati

grumpypants · 02/11/2009 16:53

I think this is just yet another example of parents needing to control every aspect of their children's lives and not letting anyone else get a look in. TBH, it's one day, it's not harmful - does it matter? It just follows on from all the 'my mil fed my baby a teeny sliver of whatever.' Some things are worth the fight, others just make the rest of the family think you are a control freak.

cakeslover · 02/11/2009 16:54

Your MIL sounds very sweet. You should be glad your DC have such a nice granny.. let her spoil them, it would be much worst if she didn't care at all!

pranma · 02/11/2009 18:30

I always give something small to the non-birthday child-just a sticker book,some crayons or a card game.No one has ever objected.I just think that little children find it hard to see sibling have cards,presents,party,treats,cake and them have nothing.The sib gifts are tiny as I have to post many of the pressies and to have a parcel in the post is special.I dont know-I guess I am wrong

QOD · 02/11/2009 19:31

We used to get "unbirthday" presents! Just one small gift to enjoy - it was great and meant we both looked forward to each others birthdays.

WhiteRoses · 02/11/2009 19:39

There's a 2yr age gap between my brother and I, so on his 1st birthday, I was 3 and till then, my birthday had been the only child's birthday I'd experienced. I thoroughly enjoyed shopping for my brother's birthday, helping to make the cake, arrange the balloons, etc. I watched my brother open his presents one by one until there was one left. I was totally surprised when my mum told me that my brother had got it for me as a thank you for helping to make his birthday so special. The next birthday was obviously mine, and I actually (unprompted) asked my mum if I could buy my brother a present. On my brithday morning, I was so excited about what I'd gotten him that I insisted that he open his present before I opened mine! The first birthday I had after my sister was born was my 8th and, again, I got her a little toy (my own idea). She never got me anything because I was too old by then. We're all grown up now, but my brother has learning difficulties, so although we don't get him anything, we always ask if any of the presents are chocolates (one always is) and we always let him open that one and then have first choice! I just think it's nice if everyone enjoys a family birthday. And for really young kids/my brother, a year's a long time to wait for your own birthday to come around.

Sassyfrassy · 02/11/2009 19:43

My grandmother always did this with me and my brother (who was in fact not her grandchild). Neither of us ever expected to get presents from anyone else on each other's birthday and I must say that it never felt like my birhtday wasn't special just because he got that one present on the day. I think it would be different if every person bought two presents, but I can't see the harm in letting mil do it. Perhaps suggest that the birthday person gets a more expensive / flashy present.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/11/2009 19:43

My mum does this. I think it would be a bit churlish to object. The child whose birthday it is has never had a tantrum about one of the many presents inthe house not being for them. That I would be a bit miffed about. With them.

JANEITEluddite · 02/11/2009 19:48

I think you're being unreasonable. It's a nice gesture from your mil, does no harm and tbh a three year old should be able to cope with the idea of her brother getting one present amongst her many, without crying about it or pandered to for crying about it.

Hunting · 02/11/2009 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbierhodes · 02/11/2009 20:02

I agree with Thefallenmadonna, I'd be more annoyed with the child havning a tantrum because someone else had a present.

We often buy a joint present on birthdays. This is because one child has a summer birthday, and one has a winter birthday. It's hard to always come up with a 'big' present every time, so often, for the winter birthday we have a family day out, and for the summer birthday we get a garden toy, like a slide to share. What do people think of this?

bigbluewhale · 02/11/2009 20:31

Oh dear, what a fuss about nothing. Surely in the same way as you explained to your DD that the birthday child gets to be special for that one day, you could just explain to your children that their Gran ( or whatever they call her ) likes to give the non birthday child a present on their sibling's birthday. It's not a big deal - its just a GP who likes to buy presents for their GCs.

Its actually a bit of a tradition in our family - my sister and I were always given a very small present on the others' birthday. It didn't take away from the specialness of the birthday child, it was just something that my parents liked to do. I'm not even sure it had to do with helping us not to feel left out as my mum is not that kind of person - she is into tough love and not spoiling or pandering to children.

My sister and i have continued this with our own children, and my mum gives her GCs a small present on their siblings birthday and my ILs do not - the children are not confused, and are still reminded that it is their siblings special day. I have no fear of dealing with tantrums due to having no presents - on DD1s birthday i still had to explain to DD2 that it was DD1s special day and that is why she got lots of presents and DD2 got two very small presents.

In many ways I don't feel strongly either way - I only do it because it is a tradition in our family, and seems like a nice thing to do.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 02/11/2009 20:46

YABU.

She's trying to a nice little thing and you are overreacting and looking controlling, ungracious and churlish.

We don't do this in my family, but all this 'children have to learn....' is crap, most children could come to terms with getting or not getting a small gift on their siblings birthday and still manage to become compassionate sharing adults- as long as they don't have parents who exhibit a need to anally control every aspect of life regardless of the hurt it causes to kind relatives trying to do a nice thing. That would be more damaging imo.

I'd seriously suggest you look again at your priorities. This is not a big deal, your MIL feelings should be a bigger deal.

I can't stand all the moaning that goes on MN about GP's buying too many presents. Was this not always a grandparents perogative? both our grannies do this, an I do inwardly groan at more tat for our house, but I know it gives them so much pleasure to think about giving and buying for their grandchildren I would never prevent or resent this way of expressing thier love.

That's waht is is with my mum and MIL anyway, one way they express their love, and indulge them in a way that parents can't and shouldn't.

NewhereHelp · 02/11/2009 21:05

I've always got my DS's a 'token' on each others birthdays up until they were 11 or 12 - they are 14 months apart but have also done so with my friends children, my younger brothers and my nieces and nephews. My parents have always done the same??

May be it is a regional thing - keeps the peace and everyone smiles not just the b'day boy :-)

Hope that helps! x