Presents for brothers and sisters on their siblings birthday

[sleepsforwimps]

Am I being unreasonable, my Mother in law has given my daughter a present on my sons birthday, and my son a present on my daughter's birthday. On my sons birthday (he was 1 dd was 2) I managed to hide the present and give her the toy about a week later as MIL was not at my ds' birthday so not a problem.

At my dd's 3rd birthday though my dd went to open one of her presents only to be told it was not hers but her brothers.. dd burst into tears as didn't understand why it wasn't hers as she rightly asumed all the presents were for her to open. Over the tears I explained to my MIL that I had told my dd before my ds's birthday that on someones birthday only that person gets presents as it is their special day. DD had been absolutely fine with that, no jealousy, just excited about that it would one day be her birthday. I think it would have been polite for my MIL to have told me prior to their birthdays that she wished to do this, as even if I didn't like it, I could have at least explained to dd that this was something that Grandma does. Instead the present was just left on the floor, no label, no explanation until DD went to open it.

My MIL has now explained why they are getting presents, but only after I asked why, she said she likes to buy her grandchildren a present on their siblings birthday "so they don't feel left out". I really don't agree with this, but it was only after my dd was in tears that I knew about my ds's present. MIL told me she does it for her daughters children and has always done that, it's something 'they do'. After explaining to her that I had explained to my daughter that only the person whose birthday it is gets presents on their birthday, they hid the present for my ds (who being 1 had no idea what was going on anyway).

I felt so awkward at saying something but needed to as I feel it's important that they don't 'expect' presents on others birthdays. Also it was confusing for my dd as was the opposite to what I had explained to her.. I told MIL how grateful I was for the present and she was welcome to give it to my ds on any other day but my dd's birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? I now feel so awkward about it, I'm truly grateful for her treating the other, but it's not how I wish to do things.

[PrettyCandles]

My mum has been pestering me to let her know what our plans are for dd's birthday, because she wants to book tickets to go abroad. She keeps telling me off because I haven't fixed a date yet, and with every 'delay' the prices go up, or the date she wants becomes unavailable. I keep telling her "For goodness sake just book the trip whenever you want! It's your holiday, you are planning ahead, we aren't. We won't know what we're doing with dd's birthday for ages yet." But she just doesn't get it - she seems to think that missing dd's birthday party would be A Bad Thing.

[JANEITEluddite]

Good lord - this gets worse. Why the heck shouldn't she go on holiday, whether it's her grandchild's birthday or not? The world doesn't revolve around you or your child and you are being very silly indeed imvho. I can hardly believe your attitude tbh.

[mathanxiety]

A lot of this angst could be avoided by grannies remembering to ask the parents first. I think they should, in general, indulge the mothers and their preferences in matters like this, or at least consider whether a child's birthday is primarily an occasion for them to put on 'The Granny Show' or an important milestone for the child and his or her immediate family. Barging in and doing things your way with someone else's family isn't really ok just because giving presents is nice.

[2rebecca]

I'd let them get on with the unbirthday present thing if they insist but would stress it's unnecessary and confusing for young kids. Plus when does it stop? When kid starts school? When they are 18?
Children have to learn to enjoy celebrating other people's occasions and nopt just look for what's in it for them. I would stress this and hope they get the hint.

[2rebecca]

My kids parties have their dad and I and a few of their friends. This isn't "The Archers" you know where all the relatives and half the village turn up for kids parties.
My grandparents never came to my parties, all lived too far away, plus suspect they'd have hated the noise and chaos and just been extra people for my parents to cater for.
Kids' parties are for the kids.

[nooka]

Aren't grandparents supposed to indulge their grandchildren (and themselves in the process)? I thought that was in the JD, and why being a granny was so much better than being a mum I think my parents have been to maybe one or possibly two of my children's birthday parties - really not their scene, and their holidays (many) are built around their schedules, generally booked many many months in advance. I think this is just one of those situations where expectations are different, and therefore always likely to cause a few issues along the way. So long as you go on generally taking to each other and being nice most of these minor issues really signify very little.

Unless there are serious tensions I don't think that children have any issues at all, or to be honest notice a lot the differences in approach. Smaller children just accept things how they are, and then as they get older they might have opinions on them, but mostly it doesn't really matter. For example my grandparents were incredibly formal and did things like eating fruit with special knives and forks. My siblings and cousins justthought it was funny.

[Aranea]

Well, speaking as someone who as a child was given 'unbirthday' presents by my granny, I can testify that it would never have occurred to me that I would get presents at friends' birthday parties or be given a prize if I hadn't won it. I honestly think children are mostly intelligent enough to understand the concept that they are being indulged by a grandparent and being given something to which they have no entitlement. We all enjoy being given something we know we're not really entitled to.

[Clary]

Interesting that there is such a division on this one! unusual in AIBU.

I am one who agrees present for sibling is not a good idea (tho there are ways of dealing with the issue).

This is not really because I think anyone is being spoiled, or because I fear a tantrum. I just wonder where it will stop? It's not just about a birthday present for the next 10 years.

What about friends' birthday parties? Will they expect a present then? And all the other examples of one child getting something - as I say, winning a competition, having a special event (Cubs sleepover, Brownie revels, etc).

[MeAndMyMonkey]

storm in a teacup all round. Personally I think it's a lovely idea, but I don't see grandparents who buy presents as intefering/controlling - I just think they are kind!
My mum did - and still sometimes does this btw, and I am 40+ (shame). It hasn't affected me (much - I still am jealous of an unbirthday present my sis got, a Paddington t-shirt, but am nearly over it - phew!).
But then I still get a stocking from my mum (and dp) - maybe I ought to grow up .

[BaronessBarbaraKingstanding]

Blardy Hell.

She booked a holiday 10 months before his birthday without realising they clashed and you are using this as an illustration of her thoughtlessness?

It's not like she said 'oh is his birthday tomorrow? I can't come I'm shopping.'

It was obvioulsy an oversight you have said she siad this and apologised, so let it go. It sounds to me like she is tyrign very hard to be a loving Grandma, but will always stumble at one of your many rules or expectations, unless she checks every tiny thing with you first.

She is expectde to arrange holidays around grandchildrens birthdays, consult with you first on her arrangements, and only buy presents at times specified by you in advance?

You sound like seriously hard work.

Are you also one of those who like to issue lists of 'acceptable' presents or insists poeple check with you first before buying? You sound like you might be.

I feel very sorry for your MIL, it sounds like you are going to make life raher hard for her in the coming years.

[LetThereBeRock]

That should say he's your child not theirs. I was typing something else and didn't delete that.

[LetThereBeRock]

How does a grandmother going on holiday affect the OP's ds? When he was only 1 year old and would have no idea what was going on and wouldn't know or care who was present at the party.

I don't see why people expect birthday parties to be a big deal to anyone other than the child involved and the parents. Yes they are grandparents but I don't see why they shouldn't be able to go on holiday when they want to. It's your child not theirs.

I'm with Aranea on this.

[Aranea]

I am very surprised that people think grandparents should consult their dil before making holiday plans. And I don't really understand why you brought this up in any case? Especially since she has apologised to you. You obviously feel very hard done by and I am struggling to see why.

[displayuntilbestbefore]

sleepsforwimps as per my previous posts I am with you totally on the present issue and have to say I think others are being rather harsh on you with regard to the holiday thing because whilst your MIL can holiday whenever she likes, it's maybe more the fact that she doesn't consult with you on these issues that is what causes the problem and everything would be so much easier if MILs and other family members communicated better esp when it affects other people's children.

[Clary]

sorry hadn't read whole thread, just first few posts.

Gather it has moved omn somewhat...

[Clary]

I have come across this before and I think it rather odd.

We have friends who always organise sthg special for the other child if one child is doing sthg.

If I started with that (I have 3 DC) it would never stop. It's bad enough keeping an eye on the "she had a lolly from that party bag, I want something" which comes from the DC, without starting anything else myself!

With 3 DC they have to learn to share. Say one of them wins a competition - my DS2 won a surfboard this summer (!) - how did I compensate the other 2? well I didn't, hopefully they were just excited and pleased for DS2! I guess they know they will get their turn.

Birth of a sibling a very different thign IMO - I ofetn buy something for mum and dad as well then.

[sleepsforwimps]

Aranea In reply to

"Of course it isn't a bad thing that you would have liked her to be at your son's birthday. But to say that she lacked consideration for your family's feelings is coming on a bit strong, don't you think? She "is being very thoughtful in giving presents promptly for the birthday child, and then extra thoughtful in wanting to make the other child feel special and included. You may not agree with her idea, but you cannot deny that she was being thoughtful.

Your son was turning 1 and would not have cared whether his grandmother was present on the day or not. I think it sounds lovely that your children have an interested, involved and generous grandmother who also has her own life and other interests and activities. This is a time in her life when she should be taking advantage of the opportunity to go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I imagine that she has had years and years of putting her own plans on hold for her children. Wouldn't it be a shame if she had to do the same for her grandchildren?"

I'm not denying the present was thoughtful, I've said that in most of my posts. I do think it lacked thought though when they booked one of many holidays over his 1st birthday. She did apologise to me for that saying it was a special one that they shouldn't be missing.

Regarding your view of her life, she has not had years of putting her plans on hold for her children, my partner left home at 16 and is nearly 40.

[Aranea]

Of course it isn't a bad thing that you would have liked her to be at your son's birthday. But to say that she lacked consideration for your family's feelings is coming on a bit strong, don't you think? She is being very thoughtful in giving presents promptly for the birthday child, and then extra thoughtful in wanting to make the other child feel special and included. You may not agree with her idea, but you cannot deny that she was being thoughtful.

Your son was turning 1 and would not have cared whether his grandmother was present on the day or not. I think it sounds lovely that your children have an interested, involved and generous grandmother who also has her own life and other interests and activities. This is a time in her life when she should be taking advantage of the opportunity to go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. I imagine that she has had years and years of putting her own plans on hold for her children. Wouldn't it be a shame if she had to do the same for her grandchildren?

[sleepsforwimps]

I would have liked her to be at my sons 1st birthday, is that a bad thing?!

[pigletmania]

YANBU you have to tell your MIL not to do this and that on a siblings birthday only the birthday boy/girl gets presents, at the end of the day children have to get used to this and the only way to do this is not to do what your MIL does. I am sure that she means well, if she contiunes to do this, hide the present somewhere safe where nobody can find it and give it to them later.

[Aranea]

Wow OP, your MIL really can't do anything right, can she? I expect if she were to cancel all her plans and put her life on hold for your children you'd be complaining about how over-involved and interfering she was.

I feel sorry for her.

[sleepsforwimps]

Is that strange too? It wasn't their 'summer holiday' they holiday all the time, it was just another holiday accidentally booked over his birthday. I personally would make sure I did not miss my Grandchilds 1st Birthday. How people differ.

[jamaisjedors]

IMO you are digging yourself deeper with this comment OP:

"it's a shame she didn't show the same consideration of my family's feelings when she booked a holiday over my ds's 1st birthday"

FGS she's not allowed to buy a present for your son but she's not allowed to go away on his birthday either????

Why SHOULDN'T she go on holiday when she likes (presumably summer?)?

[jeee]

I assumed everyone bought tiny presents for the siblings when children are little (disclaimer: this only applies to your own children). Now my three oldest are 8,7 and 6 I don't bother. I didn't realise this was controversial.

[Bubbaluv]

I still remember my granny giving my younger sister a present on my birthday. It made me feel like she didn't think my birthday was really special.
I think children need to learn that sometimes there are days that are ALL about someone else and they should be happy for that person without getting something.