to think people should offer some help to a person travelling alone with three children?

[emkana]

I finally lost it when I tried to get off the bus at the longstay car park, trying to stop ds from running off, trying to unfold the pushchair, poor dd (6), bless her, trying to lift out the suitcase for me - and a bus full of people was just sat there, watching us. So I said to dd, but really to people in general "would you believe it that people will just sit and watch a six year old trying to lift a suitcase" to which some w*er replied "well it's not my responsibility is it"

ffs

I live in rural Ireland and, I have to say, over here people would definitely help in situations like that.
And I always help others I see in need like that.

OP, YANBU!

The more you describe the situation emkana, the more ridiculous it appears that no-one helped you unasked. Who on earth would sit and watch a 6 year old trying to move a suitcase without offering help?

That said, re tube workers, when I took my 4 children to London the other day, I was impressed that the gate attendants were a) always in attendance and b) very quick to open the gate for me to pass through with my children as they had no tickets with which to operate the automatic gates. Good service I thought.

And years back, when I was on the tube with 2 under the age of 3 and a double buggy, I found loads of Londoners came forward to offer me help, whether I needed it or not.

Agree with Scotia!

ah, right. that is ridiculous. poor dd.

I think you should have said to your DD that you would carry the case. It sounds as if your DD feels she has to do things that a 6 year old shouldn't have to do because you are giving her the impression that you can't manage, which puts her in a position of vulnerability.

The reality is that , regardless of the rights and wrongs, you cannot presume that someone is going to help. If there is a genuine risk that your DS may be seriously injured, then you should not put yourself in that position. Your DD should be able to have confidence that you can manage the situation.

You cannot change other people's behaviour, only your own, and I don't think it benefits your children for you to not to seem to be managing.

That is why people help parents who seem to be in control, but not parents who seem to have some kind of issue or be frazzled. People are happy to help in practical ways, but do not want to get involved with someone who has some kind of hostility/competency issue. It alarms people.

DG, hope you don't mind but I have deleted your comment on FB (don't want to be "matched")

I think there are two types of people posting responses here: those who would walk past someone collapsed on the ground in the street, and those who would stop to see what was the matter with them.

What has happened to this country? There is just no sense of SOCIETY. God, it's depressing. DH and I once intervened in a situation in London. It was late at night, and a very irate man was SCREAMING on the pavement at a terrified woman sitting in the driver's seat of a car. She was trying to close the door to drive off and the man just wasn't letting her. There were 2 young children in the back who were clearly terrified - tears pouring down their cheeks and trembling and shouting with fear. We were nowhere near the car but heard all the commotion and we were horrified that no-one nearer was helping out. So we ran over the road and walked over to diffuse the situation and try to calm the man down so the woman could drive off. Only when DH asked passers-by to help out in case the man needed restraining did anyone else seem bothered about doing anything.

Was just one of the many reasons we moved out of London and back home oop north - people are so insular down there and just don't want to get involved, and that was exactly what happened to you OP. Move up North! Very different up here, especially where I live....

There's only one answer to the OP's AIBU, and that is of COURSE someone should have bloody offered to help. Unless everyone else on that bus was disabled or had their arse glued to their seat, then they should have come forward and asked you if you needed help.

Oh sorry

yeah, dg, we got the underground where i live on sat (dd1 in full red riding hood gear with wolf and basket, dd2 in fairy outfit) and the chap not only opened the gate for us but carried the buggy onto the train, noted the train number and there was another guy waiting at our destination when we got off to take it upstairs.

but then i do not live in laaahndan.

oh great MillyR so not only am I being unreasonable, I am also psychologically damaging my 6 year old... Maybe dd was trying to help me because that's the helpful child I'm bringing her up to be? And what, is it not normal for a toddler to potentially hurt himself - even though my ds might be less risk aware than others his age, he is not totally unusual - he is 3.4. And tell me, what do you suggest? That I never visit my mother in Germany because I can't manage? And for the record, I did manage, just with more difficulty than necessary, if only people were more helpful.

DG, no worries, just didn't want you left wondering where your comment had gone

I don't often feel the urge to tell people where to go on here, but I am dangerously close at the moment...

I'd have probably helped, but it's not a 'right'. Not to pick on the OP particularly since many people feel that way and I can understand the frustration, but to moan that other people are not helping is like buying a dog and then complaining that that the neighbours don't take a turn in walking it.

Maybe people should take into account the difficulties when deciding how many children to have (or the spacing between them). Even one is hard work on public transport.

Bloody hell MillyR - who are you? Mary fucking Poppins?

Emkana, I am not saying that you are any worse than anyone else. I have certainly been in situations in front of my children where I have not coped well and where I have made negative remarks.

But I don't pretend to myself that it was a good thing for me to do. I am sure I have made a similar remark to one of my children, and I know (looking back) that I did not do it for my child's benefit.

I don't think you should have behaved like that. You do seem to think it is okay that you made those remarks. I just don't get why.

In deciding to travel alone with my three children I'm not undertaking an impossible task, it is doable and I do it. I'm just despairing at the lack of kindness and helpfulness around me.

yanbu. pushchairs and buses plus bags and small children can be a nightmare combination.

Onagar - so you have actually sat down with your DP/DH when planning your family and said "Well, I think we should wait a bit longer to have another one actually - after all, if ever I want to travel by bus with them, it's just going to be sooo stressful and difficult."

I can't believe you just said that.....

Of course I didn't make the comment for my dd's benefit! I said it loud and clear for the people's benefit. But I very very VERY strongly object to your implication that I'm somehow damaging my dd with what I said or did. And how did I behave? I didn't make a spectacle of myself, I didn't cry or scream or shout, I got on with what needed doing and made one sarky comment at the very end.

Sadly, I can believe that no-one helped you, and I don't think you should have to ask for help, when it is so clear that you are struggling. I think people just hate the idea of having to 'get involved' with anyone, I find it pretty depressing.

The comment earlier that 'most childless people are scared of children..' is just absolutely bizarre!

My DH would have helped you. He's always stopping to help people.

I travelled alone to Australia with 4mo DS a couple fo years ago and was so upset when I was refused help with getting my bag off the luggage belt by the airline groundstaff on the grounds that hey weren't insured (I later got an apology BTW). I had DS in sling and asked a man in front of me to help lift my bag off the belt and put it onto a trolley so i could wheel it off. That was it. He looked at me like I was a leper and didn't help. I was nearly in tears at this pount after the first refusal/no sleep etc and in the end a woman in a full burkha was the only person that stepped forward to help.

I know you shouldn't expect people to go out of their way to help you these days, but when someone is struggling - c'mon. WTF's wrong with the world??

emkana yanbu of course someone should have helped you, sadly unless sn is "visible" people just don't realise(I am "lucky dd's is very visible" but even without the sn, some one should have helped

YABU. They don't have to help, though it is good manners to help a struggling fellow human being.

Like others have said, you could have politely asked if someone could give you a hand. I'm sure plenty of people would have stepped up.

Emkana, I think you have done well to last this far in your thread, I would have lost patience by now if I were you. It has been VERY telling though........I know the people who have posted who I'd like to have as my friends, and the cold-hearted rest of you can bog off and go and form your own robotic society with no social interaction!

Emkana,you had a bad day.Have been there.dON'T TAKE THIS THREAD TO HEART.

look at how you have coped with all the other stuff that has been thrown at you,I remember reading your threads about S when my dc was dx with a certain sn,and yours gave me inspiration.

Not everybody understands and I think part of your frustration mirrors mine about lack of consideration for other people.

Donn't let it stress you.We all have horrid bad days as parents.