to think people should offer some help to a person travelling alone with three children?

[emkana]

I finally lost it when I tried to get off the bus at the longstay car park, trying to stop ds from running off, trying to unfold the pushchair, poor dd (6), bless her, trying to lift out the suitcase for me - and a bus full of people was just sat there, watching us. So I said to dd, but really to people in general "would you believe it that people will just sit and watch a six year old trying to lift a suitcase" to which some w*er replied "well it's not my responsibility is it"

ffs

Sounds like she's had a whole life of bad days.

And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?

these are ^lovely first posts on a website, justmyself, welcome to MN.

Sorry, don't see the connection between moral high ground and sarcasm or lack thereof. Can you explain? Seeing as you are so clear about right an wrong.

read my posts and you'll see it's perfectly clear, greg. why is everyone so pissy about this? it's no wonder you think society's falling apart if this is the attitude you take out of the house.

I'm a third of the way through this thread so I'm sure it's been said, but the reason no-one offered to help is because your DD was struggling ON HER OWN on the bus while you were off the bus and out of sight to most passengers. There is no way any man (and probably most women as well) would approach a child on their own and offer to help. You only need to read how some posters on MN react to any strangers talking to their children to understand why. Therefore, in this day and age, if you need help, you need to ask - people won't offer. It doesn't make them bad people, it's just a sign of the times I'm afraid.

Speak for yourself flashharriet. There are people (seemingly few it appears) including myself, who would have helped and don't sit down idly on our arses whilst we see someone struggling if we can offer assistance. Only a couple of months ago i picked up someones dd whilst she put her shopping away and folded down her pushchair. Didn't need to ask me. I have eyes. Oh, and heart.

Disgusting ganging up on stressed O.P. on this thread. Could understand if it was something outrageous, but not frankly, something as commonsense as this. Not suprised at the response of the first-time poster. Welcome to Mumsnet eh?

But IHateWinter, that mum was right there with you - emkana was off the bus and not in sight.

Fwiw I would have helped, I always do - having travelled by air lots of times on my own with 3 children I am totally in tune with what's needed and tend to clock any lone travellers with kids and keep an eye out for them. But I know pre kids I didn't have that awareness and would probably have had my nose in a book and an iPod in - didn't make me a bad person, I always helped when I noticed help was needed.

I don't know that emkana was completely out of sight but I take your point there.

em, re. being proud of the way you handled it... I'm not sure I'd be proud, exactly, in those circs. Bit unfair to use your dd to convey passive-aggressive comments that are actually directed to the other passengers.

But we all have off-days, I'm far from perfect etc. etc. etc.

I did find one thing that really helped was to try and anticipate what help I would need and when, so then I could take my time and ask someone "Excuse me, could you just hold my bag/suitcase/baby while I ..." - I never had anyone say no and tbh I think virtually all people are happy to help but are just worried about getting it wrong. I know my DH would have been really torn if he'd been on the bus - wanting to help emkana's DD but worried about emkana's reaction if she saw a strange man helping her daughter. Therefore, you're much better off asking, honestly

who on this very long thread has actually said that they wouldn't have helped?

flash seemed to be saying that she could see why people might have been reluctant in the absence of a parent (emkana said she was out of sight), not that she wouldn't help out herself.

personally i think that this thread is a good indication that everything is fine,that another mum will always step in to help out, especially when asked (this has ALWAYS been my experience) but the general air of angry entitlement is something i find a bit worrying.

oh, andd ihatewinter, emkana has said that the incident had happened a full day before she posted and that she was perfectly relaxed after a pleasant day... so your 'stressed out' characterisation is a bit off there i think.

I think there's an awful lot of people around who only notice stuff when it's pointed out to them - again, I don't think that makes them bad people. If they said no to helping (without a good reason e.g. medical complaint etc), then they're horrible .

Is this the right place to confess that I didn't help another mother recently?

Was getting on a train with ds, saw a woman standing by the next doors with a double buggy who may have needed some help. But in the split second when I thought about it, realised 'I have NO idea how to get a double buggy on this train given it's wider than the doors so will just look foolish if I try to help'.

Probably should have asked the woman if I could and what she wanted me to do i.e. thinking back, watch one or both kids while she folded the buggy.

Will bear that in mind next time... When we later wondered down to the buffet, I saw the buggy again so she must have worked it out or bumped into another passenger who was kinder/more effective than me!

i have some stairs to bump up at my house and i really hate it when blokes offer to help lift the buggy up. i always thank them most graciously etc and accept the help but they generally try to fling it (and me and baby) up onto the top step as fast as possible, forgetting that like ginger rogers i'm doing it backwards and in heels.

Actually, this thread has reminded me that if I want my kids to help me, the best way to do it is to ask them directly. Sure, it would be lovely if someone noticed me staggering past under great piles of washing but I'm far better off asking them to help rather than wait for an offer and then to resort to a sarky comment. First one, everyone's calm and happy and it's a win win all round, second option I'm snippy, they're resentful, result misery.

But isn't the difference there that you are asking children to help? Children are not expected to notice that you need help as empathy comes with maturity.

If one of my dc's was seemingly struggling with something on their own and it looked as though I wasn't around I'd be quite upset if people just left them to struggle. I find it quite upsetting if the reaction of society these days is that you must stay away from children for fear of being labelled a pervert.

The question in the thread title was 'Should people offer some help'

And without feeling angry or seething, or thinking the world is crumbling around us I think that, yes people should offer to help.

Dh and I helped a little girl in a big shop the other day, she had lost her mum and was hysterical. I was quite surprised that loads of people looked over at her and looked away, even though she was on her own, very little and distraught. I do think that often people just assume that someone else will do something, or they think it is best not to get involved.

Well I can only reiterate that I find it extremely off to imply that making a comment like I did in any way hurt or damaged my dd.
I don't feel proud of what I said, but I don't feel ashamed either. What I do feel proud of is that I managed the journey there and back all by myself, while staying calm and cheerful throughout until the very end.

should you have really went in the first place if you can't cope on your own with three children and all the luggage. sorry just my opinion...

I never expect people to help, it's a bonus if they do offer that's all.

you mean should I have gone? Yes, because if you had bothered to read the thread you would have realized that I did manage just fine, it's just that other people's help would have made my life a little bit easier.

I find loads of stuff difficult with 2 kids let alone 3, but it is stuff that has to be done, that is a crazy attitude!

ha, I'm not the only person who has said if you can't manage why go in the first place on such a long trip with three children, look back to the beginning of the thread and you'll see others have a similar view point to my own.

I don't go to far away places on my own with ONE child, couldn't even imagine doing it with three. My main point was don't expect others to offer help, but it is only a bonus if people do offer. Another way to handle that situation is to be direct with others on the bus and just ASK someone. Making snide comments doesn't do you any favours, really. Ofcourse this has already been said before so it's nothing new.

Sometimes you just have to do stuff that is difficult, don't you, and anyway Emkana said that apart from this bit the rest of the journey went smoothly.

Sometimes these things go wrong as it is happening, so you can't always anticipate it. She has already pointed out that it was difficult to ask when the situation occurred.

I do think it is a bit sad that so many people seem to think it is some sort of bonus if you get help. I tell my dd's that it is good to do good things for people, without being asked.