To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

I'm a big fan of breast feeding myself, but I think YABU. You have done your bit and given your opinion, but I think that is as far as it should go. It's her body, her baby, her decision. I'm sure the baby will thrive on formula as nearly all babies do.

Breast is NOT best.

Breast is normal.

Breastfeeding will not prevent your kids getting asthma, eczema, hayfever, allergies etc if they're going to get them anyway. Formula feeding can increase the risks of these things. Breastfeeding will also not mean that your kids have Einstein-esque IQ's, but ff-ing could reduce their IQ's.

To the OP - YABU. It's not your baby, you've had your kids, made your decisions, now leave your sister alone to make hers. As someone else said, she may well change her mind once the baby's born anyway. My friend was dead set against breastfeeding, told me I was "sick" for tandem nursing - ended up nursing her own ds until he was 11 months! Either way, beak out!

its your sisters baby and you should feel priviledged to get to be part of this babys life..but how your sister feeds her baby is always going to be her choice as she is the one carrying her and giving birth to her and raising baby her own way.
who knows how she will feel when she holds her little bundle in her arms, take a step back and let her take in all the joys and worries all new moms have and get through just fine by doing what they feel is right for them and their baby.

her baby up to her.support her in her choice even if you disagree

more important to maintain a good relationship than be openly disapproving of her choice

OP - her child, her choice, end of.

You gave your sister the information to make a choice, to be honest you're hard pushed not to get the BF information whenever you step into a maternity unit, she made the choice and the choice she has made is that she does't want to BF. So what?

I couldn't possibly tell you which of the strapping healthy children in my DC's class were BF or not.

Its her choice, no one else business

peppa - no need to do studies or even read endless studies. I've got a better idea - just try listening to people, on here and in RL, rather than adopting the knee jerk reaction of quoting obscure research papers at them to prove a point, should they dare to point out any drawbacks of the practice you advocate (even when they followed that practice!). (Or rather rushing in to support those who do, okay, you weren't the one who originally brought it up - but, I mean, checking it to find the citation (!! - incroyable)

YANBU to think it (I would too) but it would be VU to say it. I don't get people who don't try (obvs except medical/abuse issues etc). Two of my friends didn't, one as it 'felt pervy' and other 'didn't want tits round her ankles'. I was a teen mum and not that keen on the thought of it at first but knew it was best for baby.

Surely what is best for baby is to have a mother who is happy and contented in the choices she ( and OH) have made regarding the care of their baby. I cannot believe that it is better for a baby to be breastfed by a mother who is really stressed about the whole feeding issue, rather than one who FFs because, for whatever reason, that is what suits her?

Yes, we all know that in theory, it is better to breastfeed a baby. But many women don't for a number of reasons. And it is not for any of us to judge them because of their choice. It doesn't matter whether the choice was made because of health issues of the mother, or for pure vanity or anything in between. Every mother is entitled to support in her decision. The best start for any baby is a mother who is supported and happy.

FWIW I was interested to see that FF babies might have their IQ lowered because they were FF. Both mine were FF and both have had their IQs assessed by an ed.psych at the request of their schools. One is at the 99.9percentile and the other is at the 99.5 percentile. Dread to think what it would have been if they had been breastfed!

bellissima - the only journals where this sort of thing is looked at properly are specialist journals. They are indeed obscure to the general reader but that does not reduce their credibility. This research is based on the personal experience of the people in the study.

Part of the 'mis-info' I referred to was the assumption that breastfeeding was a logical precursor to saggy breasts - there were posts which scorned any other idea.

as someone who has breastfed for 16 months so far and who worked in neonatal intensive care for 12 years before that teaching breastfeeding.

Breast is only best if it is best for baby and Mum and that means mentally too. Only your sister knows what she can cope with, she and your niece just need you to be there and support her choice.

Sorry

Read all the posts: Stayingscarygirl - the answer is very little if at all - but that is mostly because of my sisters immaturity.

She's still to my mind quite unprepared for what motherhood involves. I 've no doubt she loves her baby. But shes like that with everything. For e.g. she wanted goldfish: promised mum to look after them and clean the tank etc, after 2 weeks our mother had to do it all. Same with the dog she wanted, and then the cat etc. Mum does it all. She does work which is good, but her boyfriend is a heavy cannabis smoker who does little but watch and listen to rap music vids.

My mum's making it worse by running after her. When her baby comes she'll have to to run around. And telling her she can just drop breast-feeding without even looking into it immmediately sends the message of me first, baby second. Her decision not to breast-feed tells me she hasn't changed. She likes the idea of a baby. Not the reality.

TheBatterflyEffect I knew no mothers who were breast-feeding past 12 months I felt I was rare. I would have been genuinely intrigued to hear someone advocating for longer breast-feeding. I didn't know about Mumsnet then, so I do wish I had breast-fed for longer.

Lot's of people here are suggesting that its mean to be against FF. But actually I would say that there is this pressure to stop BF as soon as possible.

Bellisima - My citation checking was tongue in cheek to your reply that it was an obscure journal. I am an academic specialising in breastfeeding research. Reading these journals is what I do, therefore I have them and the context at the tip of my fingers. I didnt go out of my way to check the citation - it is automatically there when you look the paper up on google scholar.

I was making a joke but just pointing out that because it was obscure doesnt necessarily invalidate its findings. Every study is going to have someone who contradicts it - for example I gain weight whilst breastfeeding - this doesnt mean that the average woman will. In fact the many many studies show the opposite. There are always going to be exceptions.

I was being serious about doing some research actually - I thought it would make a good study! Anyone fancy being part lol

YABVU (actually unbelievably Unreasonable)

1. Its her baby
2. Its her life
3. Its her body
4. Its not bloody poisen or starving the kid
5. How the F* do you know that your sister is thinking about body image? even if she has said that to you she is probably just trying to get her very annoying sister of her case.
6. If you keep on being this judgemental and bossy I'd be suprised if you get ANY relationship with your sister and neice - I'd avoid you like the plague.

For the record I was your sister - I didn't want to breastfeed and I was pushed into it. I had valid reasons for not wanting to BF (which are none of your bloody business before anyone asks) but got tired of being treated like a leper because of my decision to FF.

get a life

IHatewinter - stepping back a bit it seems that the real problem is that you believe that your sister won't look after the baby properly, that its some kind of vanity project, that she likes the idea of having a little doll and so forth. The BF bit is in reality your first big 'test' of this theory - and she's just proving your point by 'failing', isn't she?

Well YABU because your feelings about your sister's attitude to her baby are almost inevitably coloured by your relationship with her. Now, not knowing you both, I'm in no real position to judge what that relationship is exactly but it does seem to come through that you think she has/always has had/ will have an easier time of it, has less of an idea of responsibilities and so on. Maybe you are partly jealous. Believe it or not, even if what you think of her is partly true it doesn't give you the right to judge her future parenting qualities. A lot of people change radically when their responsibilities change. And your own controlling and judgmental attitude doesn't necessarily indicate that you would make the better parent - even with all the breast milk in the world. She might well make mistakes, but more independent minds will be around to assist her (not judge, but assist).

(I'm not going to bother replying to the lactivists and their endless research papers, there's no point, they'll always have more up their sleeves, on this subject and no doubt natural childbirth, the two always go hand in hand but funnily enough are scarcely ever expanded to the broader child care and parenting horizons which, as I'm trying to say (as someone who did bf) are equally if not more important).

bellissima, you say "(I'm not going to bother replying to the lactivists and their endless research papers, there's no point, they'll always have more up their sleeves"

I wonder why that would be, eh?

":... on this subject and no doubt natural childbirth, the two always go hand in hand"

???? simply not true!

"but funnily enough are scarcely ever expanded to the broader child care and parenting horizons which, as I'm trying to say (as someone who did bf) are equally if not more important)."

I think you are trying to say that research is needed into the effects of childcare and parenting. There is a lot of this, but as you clearly disparage the use of research in discussion, and prefer personal opinion, I'll not bother. I don't honestly know how anyone could say that breastfeeding is more/less important than other aspects of babycare - clearly, there is a whole lot more to babycare than feeding, but to guage the relative importance of infant feeding versus some other aspect is not possible. Common sense would indicate that bringing your child up to be loved and to feel valued is more important for his emotional well-being than how he is fed. But if you are talking about specific physical effects only, then how the baby is fed is more important than other aspects.

YANBU to think it, but YABU to press the point with her.

I always feed sad for babies I know who aren't bf - I think it's tough for them that they miss out on something so pleasurable and something with such long term health benefits. However, I do accept that most mums try to do their best for their babies, in the only way they know, and the way they can.

Re: 'it's her baby' so she can do what she likes' argument - don't like this. Children aren't possessions, they are people in their own right, and parents do have a responsibility to do what they can to keep them as healthy as possible, in so far as they're able to do so.

IHateWinter - you clearly think your sister is too immature to have a child - but surely by attempting to control her decision about how to feed her newborn, you are not helping her to become a more mature parent.

She needs to be allowed to make her own decisions, and to parent in her own fashion - choosing to formula feed is not gross negligence or neglect, and her baby will do fine on formula, if she decides not to breastfeed.

If nothing else, you should stop nagging and pressurising her, because it is likely to have exactly the opposite effect to the one you want. If you want to make her dig her heels in and formula feed, you are going the right way about it.

You're also risking ruining any relationship with her, your new niece or nephew, and potentially your mum too.

two anacroyms for you.

YABU

and

MYOB

Yup, your sister is making a selfish decision, but it's completely her right to make.

Yup, YABU but again you're allowed to be unreasonable on an issue you feel strongly about.

So you're both wrong, but it's really not worth having a falling out over. After all, your darling neice isn't going to suddenly develope a third eye because of being BF or FF.

Keep quiet at the moment, and when she asks you to look after her, do as most siblings do and teach her lots of harmless but completely annoying games and phrases.

Then gleefully smile as you hand her back.

"her baby will do fine on formula"

How do you know? Not all babies do well on formula. My nephew has just been given formula and has reacted very badly to it, being horribly sick and unsettled. He was fine on breastmilk. Some babies just don't get on with cows milk

you have stated how childish your sister is and how your mum helps her all the time. why are you surprised she does not want to bf then? bf takes up a lot of time and you have to do it all yourself unlesss you express some feeds which is a pain, so it would not really be compatible with your mum helping her with the baby and doing feeds for her now would it.
I have cousins like your sister who are 23 and 24, never bf and their mums do a lot of the bottles and feeds at night, one of them went out all night for new year when her baby was a few days old to get smashed as she put it. the mums are happy to hog the babies, the girls are happy to still be able to act like teenagers when they feel like it. Its not what I did or would have wanted even though I was younger when i had my first
but is up to them and they are all happy and the babies are well cared for, they all both live at home with their partners and parents too.why let it bother you?