To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

I think you are, but women need to be honest!

Having breast-fed without any issues before and during the period, maybe if I'd known about the effects to me I may have given second thoughts. I am glad I did it but not at all impressed with the results.

Love the impact though.

BTW please don't force feed your beliefs onto others, it's not nice and don't make your sister resent or avoid you. At the end of the day it's her choice. A lot of kids are bottle fed and are still ok.

"maybe if I'd known about the effects to me I may have given second thoughts. I am glad I did it but not at all impressed with the results"

I'm 43, have done 5 years of bf (3 babies in all) and have pretty fabulous norks. It's not breastfeeding that destroys your boobs - honest!

Good on you!

Well before mine were so fab I could go out without a bra and were then described as looking as if I had, had them done (in a good way).

After they sagged so don't know what else to attribute that. I am 28. I have read some white papers claiming it's the increase in cup size that changes them. I don't buy it.

If safety could be guaranteed I would have a job done, for now a good bra will do and water retention pre-mens lol.

no, you aren't being unreasonable to think that.
it IS selfish to not want to do something for a newborn baby that you know is better for them now and long-term

you watch internet forums and stuff and see people agonising over how to wean, which school to choose, how to discipline etc etc. we all want to give our children the absolute best.
and yet when it comes to something as basic as feeding a baby so many seem to just ignore the fact that breastfeeding is so superior- and again this of course is not aimed at anyone who has tried and given up breastfeeding (i was that person once too). but all those who just didn't even want to try, despite knowing it was better for their child.

of course it is her decision to make. but I feel that as with pretty much any big decision, it needs to be made on the correct information. If you knew she was making an informed decision it would be one thing, but if you feel that she is just doing it because she thinks it's yucky and without considering all the other factors then that's a real shame and I can totally understand why you feel so strongly

the health risks of formula feeding are as big in the developed world as they are in developing countries.

agree with everyhting annielobeseder has already said.

Mummee - my norks went very sad and flat when I stopped bf for the last time, and also lost weight. I hurriedly put a stone back on and voila - breasts back to normal!

Have now got a slightly fat arse and tummy to go with good cleavage, but I think at 43 you do sometimes have to choose between baggy slimness or being pneumatically plump. I prefer the latter - feel sexier. Also have a very good corset which takes 4 inches off my waist for when I want to achieve a bit more va va voom.

Sorry OP for hijacking your thread!

From what the OP has said, I don't see why she has been flamed so much. Having had a good bf experience herself, she seems to only wish the same for her sister and niece. Yes,she has tried to make her sister aware of the various benefits of bf but nowhere does it suggest that the OP regularly ties her sister to a chair and gives her a seven hour lecture on the negatives of FF!!!

The OP also says that she herself is surprised at how strongly she feels about this - she doesnt say she is actively taking every opportunity to guilt trip her sister. I'm very intolerant and judgemental about a lot of things but I have the social skills to know when to disclose all or only part of these views and when to just shut up.Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you can't talk to people who differ from you sensitively.

Winter, I am very passionate about the nutritional and emotional benefits of bf(and very opposed to the profiteering of the infant formula industry)and if my SIL was reluctant to bf I would find it difficult to understand why too. But as an experienced bfer, you will be a a great resource if she tries it and encounters any difficulty. I would leave it until she broaches the subject again, you sound as if you have done your best to make her aware of the options she has.

Perhaps your sister feels badgered by you and your approach to breast feeding and is just rebelling against you. If she is pregnant with her first child she may find breast feeding rather squeamish (I did) and doesn't want to talk about it so shrugs you off. Or, heaven forbid, she may have made a choice. It's something we are all allowed to do and it even applies to breast feeding.

As you seem so concerned about the long term health effects of breast feeding or not I suppose you need to ask yourself whether everything you do for your DCs is good for them? Do they ever eat sweets or drink the drink that cannot be mentioned (whispers fruit shoot) or have they ever shadowed the doors of MacDonalds? Whilst I can see your point that breast feeding is the best start, it's not for all of us. I didn't breast fed either of my DCs. I found the whole thing vile. I expressed for a few weeks and that was it. Neither of children have allergies or ahve suffered any long term health probelms. At least not as many as is probably being caused by eating some of the sweets their GPs routinely feed them. You clearly have very strong feelings but cast your mind back. How woudl you have felt if someone was being so pushy about something during your first pregnancy? You need to see the bigger picture. Your neice will be fine whether or not your sister breast feeds her or FF her. There are enough fo us to prove that.

Thanks to the posters who risked being flamed and agree with me! But the overall tone seems to be that I am BU and I reluctantly take all the points. Saw sis today and didn't mention it. I'm still not 100% convinced that it's NOMB, but being as I do want a relationship with my niece, I won't bring it up again. (except to strategically place some mags includ celeb BF.) It will be really hard though. Thanks for the posts.

I guess my biggest question is why people think its OK to ask questions and then tell people what to do unless you are in the health professions etc?

What I mean is, if I meet a pregnant woman (related to me or not) I wouldn't dream of asking her how she is going to feed her kid(s), nor would I talk about how FF/BF is good, or any other 'you really should do X' conversations unless she ASKED for my advice and help.

Why should you interfere? there IS a media campaign about BFing, there IS plenty of information out there and her Health Professionals WILL talk about it with her. What possible right do you have to try and influence how another adult chooses to live their life?

It takes a big person to admit that they might be wrong, and I applaud you for doing it, IHateWinter.

As Leonie says, you can do far more by being a positive role model for your sister than by alienating her. Look for the things that you can do to support her when she has her baby - help to make breastfeeding such a positive experience for her that she carries on.

If she knows you are there for her, whatever happens, and isn't feeling pressured or judged by you, she's far more likely to be able to ask your advice if there are glitches when she first starts to feed.

Are you serious Bucharest? 5 years 9 months?

For gods sake, it's her baby and her choice. As someone already mentioned it's not rat poison!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I agree that it's worth a try but if she doesn't want to respect that. Looking after yourself during pregnancy gives a baby a healthy start and love and care when baby's born. It's not all about breast feeding!!!

I really don't get why there re so many cries of "it's not poison!" whenever formula is mentioned. Of course it isn't. Nor are McD burgers (though some might argue that point), but it doesn't make either of them ideal nutrition for an infant.

Obviously, this has turned into a ff not being poison vs BF being best debate but I think there is a much bigger picture.

If a women does not bf purely because she cannot be arsed, how does this attitude (which I personally consider selfish) reflect on other parenting decisions she might make? What if she then cannot be bothered to get up in the night to feed her baby or sterilize bottles properly, or change nappies frequently enough or give up her boozy nights out leaving her baby with inadequate carers, or stop smoking....

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to imply that your sister will be a bad mother but she sounds like she needs a serious wake up call about the realities of having a baby.

I also cannot see why the OP cannot give her honest opinion to her sister? That's what close family members are for, surely? I don't have a sister but if my brother does something that I disagree with (getting into massive debt in his case), if I think he's acted like a twat, then I'll tell him...

Ah... a good old MN bf/ff thread.

I've missed it

Has anyone mentioned the nazis yet?

I think the worst thing you could do is show her this thread. Women who don't want to bf do associate bfing with extended bfing of children and not UK 'normal' ranges of six months to a year.

Why oh why would anyone want to bf a seven year old?

OP get over yourself, people like you really piss me off.

'If a women does not bf purely because she cannot be arsed, how does this attitude (which I personally consider selfish) reflect on other parenting decisions she might make? What if she then cannot be bothered to get up in the night to feed her baby or sterilize bottles properly, or change nappies frequently enough or give up her boozy nights out leaving her baby with inadequate carers, or stop smoking....'

Tryharder are you for real?

I think that's a stupid comparison, AnnieLobeseder. Formula milk is formulated to be as suitable as possible for an infant, whereas McDonalds' burgers are not.

And whilst breast milk clearly is perfect for babies, not all of us aspire to perfection, and some of us can't reach it. So we do the best we can for our babies - and all three of mine have turned out just great!

Likening someone who formula feeds to someone whose child exists on McDonalds is exactly the sort of comparison that makes this kind of debate so emotionally charged. I formula-fed all three of mine, and since then have carried on doing my best to feed them a healthy diet - plenty of fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit available, plenty of home cooking and some delicious meals out - and yes, some crap too. As I said, I know I am not perfect - but I do my best for my children.

Comments like yours, Annie, make it very clear that you think I am a neglectful mother whose children are living some kind of sub-standard existence, poorly nourished, unloved and destined for a life of underachievement - all because I did not breastfeed.

Can you not see how hurtful that is? Or how inaccurate it is?

LOLOLOL, Tryharder. I chose not to bf; strangely enough, I don't recall drinking, smoking or failing to change nappies frequently enough. Oh, and my oldest DC is nearly eight, and has never even had a babysitter, never mind inadequate carers. But maybe I'm so selfish that I didn't notice myself doing all of the above.

PS: OP, YAB completely and utterly U.

Of course we know that breast is best, but I think worrying about the future of your niece because she may be bottle fed is totally OTT. Breastfeeding is no bloody guarantee of living happily ever after!

My dd was breastfed and she still catches anything that's going and has done since she was a baby: her schools all agreed that they had rarely seen such an unhealthy child.

And just because some of her friends were bottle fed it does not mean that their mums have not been examplary in other ways. Or their children healthy.