To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

I do think it's a bit of a shame not to even try bf ing but there is already a major 'Breast is best' guilt trip campaign for Mums out there offered by midwives.

You need your family's support when you have a newborn not their judginess.

I breastfed both mine for 2 weeks each and only dd1 exclusively. I was told by doctors that I'd struggle with BF ing due to own medical problems but I still wanted to give it a go.

My sister has 3 dcs and has been a pro breastfeeder with the younger 2 feeding them up till 2 (eldest was prem and had expressed ebm but it dried up).

I was grateful that she helped me through being unable to continue bf ing instead of judging me.(or at least biting her tongue!)

Also if your sister is anything like me the more you try to tell her something the more she'll do the opposite.

well said riven

Back briefly: My breasts were beautiful before breast-feeding, perky etc. I passed the pencil test easily. Now they are looser - I wouldn't pass the biro test now LOL, and I need supportive bras. But I'm sorry, I think the desire to retain perfect bodies is based on the glossy magazine culture and influence on women by society to keep looking teenage for as long as possible. It's unrealistic and nothing to do with the baby's needs. Some women can't breast feed because they have no milk and would love to. I think those who can should try if they can.

Possibly it's got nothing to do with BF and everything to do with my sister's previous spoilt choices so that this feel like the last straw so to speak. I'm not perfect by any means but healthwise speaking, why would you chooose not to give your new baby the best if you could?

I'm sorry but I still don't feel that anyone has given me a good enough reason as to why exactly it's none of my business. Still, maybe harping on won't work either. I'll just keep quiet while she carries on making other selfish decisions then.

Yes, you should keep quiet whilst she carries on making other selfish decisions.

I guess you never do anything selfish then as a parent.....

Me - I do millions of selfish things - it's called being normal (do hate that word though).

How much say does your sister have in how you bring up your child/ren, IHateWinter? Would you like it if she was judging you and telling you that a decision you had given great consideration and thought to, actually made you a bad mother?

Reasons why it is none of your business:

• It is her child, not yours.

• She needs your support, not your judginess.

• You run the risk of ruining the relationship with her, and losing contact with your as-yet-unborn dneice/dnephew.

• It is her child, not yours.

"FF vs BF is clearly something some people feel v strongly about - but oddly enough, only ever those that are pro-BF who seem to feel a need to put down those who FF."

Can't think, if only that were true! I think you will find if you read through the archives that it's a pretty common experience for bfers to be randomly attacked for their choice - by relatives, strangers, friends, you name it.

FFers may get 'put down' to a certain extent in threads specifically about bf vs. ff, but in life in general believe me that they get a much easier ride!

"given great consideration and thought to" No, she has not given it great consideration and thought. She has not looked for opinions elsewhere or read anything about it. She is concious only of her looks and is being told by our mother to resist whatever anyone else says including the midwife etc, and do whatever she wants. I would respect her decision more if she had thought really given it some thought. But her mind has been set from the beginning and she only said she might try it for a month to shut me up I think. i'll be suprised if she even tries it for 2 minutes.

And no, i don't always act unselfishly but try not to where it really counts most.

Obviously not Riven. Blimey.

When I first read this, I thought you were totally out of order. however, sounds like its nothing to do with the actual bf issue and far more to do with the relationships between you, your sister and mum.

This sounds like you are the older sister who (you feel) has done everything 'right' whereas your sis has maybe not made some good choices in the past yet is the one that always gets the attention (your mum running about cooking her lasagne etc).

I do feel for you if this is the case. Are you worried that your mum will now also favour your sis's dd before your own dcs?

YABU - it's not your business how your sister chooses to feed her baby. You should back off.

Hi. I am very interested in this discussion. I bottle fed my first son because I suffered antenatal and postnatal depression and found it hard to cope with the idea of BF and being "force-fed" reasons why i should breastfeed made me even more depressed and I felt more like a failure.

In fact, my husband and I are doctors, and we downloaded all the medical research on the benefits of breastfeeding and the evidence is really not that strong that it is better. It is presented in a very black and white way. No one tells you it is terrible if you CAN'T breastfeed. This is all about a moral judgement about women who don't want to. It is a personal choice and it is much worse for someone to be forced into it and to be unhappy.

I breast fed my second son for 2 years and loved it. It was so much easier than bottle feeding although I found it hard to lose weight whilst doing it and my boobs look crap now!

Everyone has their reasons, and it is not up to us to judge but to understand. Rather than lecturing your friend, why not just ask her why she does not want to do it and see if you can help her talk that through to make sure she is making the right choice for the right reasons. Her baby will not be any less healthy for bottle feeding (unless she lives in rural Africa) so you also need to question why you are having such a strong (and somewhat extreme) response and find a way of working through that yourself if she is a good friend. She does not sound selfish, but normal.

When considering how to help someone look at a chosen behaviour and change it for the better (i.e. possibly to BF) psychologists have long known that "telling" someone to change does not work, it only makes them dig their heals in harder and you are in danger of reinforcing your friends choice if you take this approach. It is much more helpful to ask open questions such as "what made you make that choice" or "what are the pros and cons" and help them make their own decisions with support.

Sorry have gone on and on but having been at the receiving end of breastfeeding "bullying" I feel really strongly about this one!

It sounds as though BF isn't the real issue here. If she is much younger than you are you perhaps despairing at how she will manage and trying to take her under your wing? If so, I think you need to accept it's her choice - your job is to bite your tongue and be supportive no matter what.

YABU.
When I had DD1 I felt pressured into BF by the midwives, but she never took, even for 1 feed so they gave us formula in the hospital.

For DD2 I knew I didn't want to BF, so even with 2 midwives (emergency home birth in the downstairs toilet) on at me straight after the birth I stuck my ground and didn't do it.

I now have a 3 yr old and 17 month old and they are both just fine. Nothing wrong with formula at all.

Its your sisters choice. I know some people can't imagine not BF, but others, like me, couldn't imagine anything much worse (and its not because of what my body would look like afterwards - its all wobbly/saggy now anyway).

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I ff/mixed fed my DS1 but at least I tried to bf him and bf DS2.

I don't judge anyone who has tried to bf but whatever reason found it too stressful and gave up because I have been there....

But I would judge someone who chose not to bf from the off because of some notion about getting saggy tits or whatever. If you're not prepared to invest a bit of time and trouble in bf your child knowing that it's best for them, then that makes you a selfish person. Sorry but it does.

So flame me

Sounds as if it isn't limited to b/fing, but is generally rather self indulgent which your mom seems to contribute to.

Could you make a case for b/fing? Is she one of these celebrity obsessed types? Perhaps a few articles by high profile 'cool' moms?

I'm not going to flame you, Tryharder, but I would argue that one decision does not define a person's entire parenting.

As I said in an earlier post, there are so many things we can do to help our dcs become healthy, happy, rounded individuals, and the milk they are fed as babies is only one of those things. So deciding to formula feed, even for 'selfish' reasons, does not mean that a person is going to be a bad mother.

We all make the occasional selfish decision - but in the vast majority of cases, I doubt that that makes us totally selfish people.

OP - why not focus on the positive - your sister has said she is going to breastfeed for a month, and that's good. Tell her you think that that's wonderful, and offer your support during that time. Lend her/tell her the things that made breastfeeding easier for you. Find out the numbers for local breastfeeding support, so that you have them to hand if she needs them. If she loses weight during the time she's breastfeeding, tell her so and tell her she's looking great - maybe the weightloss will balance out the effect she fears breastfeeding will have on her breasts.

In short, be positive, not a nag.

Tryharder - I'm not flaming you, but neither did I refuse to breast feed because it might make my tits saggy. I did bf. What I was pointing out was that it did have definite effects on my tits - something that the nipple nazis often completely deny when preaching the message.

Well I judge people who judge others without knowing them. So ner

Anyone would think the choice was either to bf or feed your precious baby rat-poison. It's totally ridiculous!

If you ff your baby, they will not fail to thrive or turn into a pumpkin or be sickly for the rest of their lives or anything else for that matter!

I have two healthy, happy, noisy, messy children to prove it!!!

I've just had a great idea, helsbels. Why don't we lend the OP our children - say for a week or two - to show her how marvellously formula fed babies can turn out.

Agree totally with Tryharder- exactly what I was about to post!

You sound like a jealous self centred nightmare actually. No wonder your sister is not taking any notice of you. Your sentiments may be right but if you were my sister you wouldn't have to worry your little head about babysitting that's for sure. Butt out and let her decide for herself, no matter what her reasons.

And to all those people who trot out the ff is akin to rat poison but oh, you're ok because you did try...what a load of bollocks. Suddenly ff is fine if the mother agonised over the decision?? Formula in the western world is not the end of civilisation as we know it so stop beating people with that two faced stick.

every body else is being polite-i'll flame you.what a twatish view to have!it is not your baby,you do what you feel is right for you and yours but leave others alone!why does it matter so much to you?so you can say you are the better mother? i bf 2 out of 3 of my dc,not for long because it didnt work out-which was fine,im not hung up about it,i got on with it because i felt so long as they were being fed did it really matter?(i refused to feel bad as others tried to make me,theyre loss not mine).i loved them all the same .

What a great idea (On the other hand, op might put their unruly lively behaviour down to the fact I was selfish and ff them