To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

Interesting debate. I was inclined to say YANBU to the original poster because actually I do believe breast is best. But then after reading some of the postings I have changed my mind - I do think women have a choice and what's important is that our babies are adequately fed. Sometimes what's best for your baby has to incorporate what's best for your family as a whole, and that can include mum. So YABU to give her a hard time.

Of course in Scotland it's an offence to try to prevent anyone breastfeeding their child in a public place. Yeah if you don't like it, look away. [grrr! emoticon] There's nothing "militant" about feeding a baby - if sometimes BF'ing mothers are a bit assertive, maybe it's because there's a balance to redress.

As a teenager I certainly felt uncomfortable around BF'ing mothers but, even then, I felt their need to feed their babies beat my squeamishness about it.

Think it's a bit of a myth about bf'ing ruining the breasts. I've bf'd two kids and (ahem!) my breasts remain superb. But frankly, who sees them? Me and DH - and he'd better not complain, because they have been feeding his children!

"I have never understood why forgoing make-up and having scurvy bedding makes you the better parent?"

A saucer of cream for the lady at table 12?

Maiow!

• The OP has been back and taken points on board (only a few people seem to have noticed)

• No, formula is NOT poison, which is why no one ever says it is! ffs

• sabire, thank you for being articulate enough to say what I'd be saying, if i was capable

"Because, in my experience, militant Bf-ders don't just stop with pushing BF-ding down your throat. They seem to have a whole host of ideals which promote themselves, and their life-choices, in a far, far superior light to yours."

No sorry - I asked you what your evidence is for this? Has someone put you down? What exactly did they say to you?

"Out of the dozen or so militant BF-ders I've encountered, they all subscribed to the theory of 'My home is scruffy tip because I'm such a devoted, hands-on Mother' and they were also card-carrying members of the 'Bothering to shower daily and apply lipstick makes you a selfish/neglectful parents' club.

What qualifies someone as a 'militant breastfeeder' in your eyes? I'm genuinely interested.

I want to know what a 'militant' BFer is?? Is there a uniform? Training? Assault courses to contend with?

Why oh why do pro BFers always get called militant? Makes me very sad, and . It's like we've become a minority group to be abused by anyone who gets super-defensive about FFing. Nick Griffin and 'militant homosexuals' anyone??

Is someone FFing in public, commenting on how their baby feeds and extolling the wonders of the formula they choose also militant?

PS. YANBU to care, YwouldBU to cajole.

Brilliant post Boobuffet!

I get REALLY annoyed with bf-ers being called militant, bf-nazis, 'the bf lobby' and all sorts of other rubbish. You know what LeQueen? There are as many types of bf mothers as there are mothers who bf! I bf my baby for 8 months & I felt it was something important to me, an achievement if you like (in the sense that it took effort to keep it going). I would never consider myself militant though in any way, in fact, I mixed-fed happily for the last months of my bf & have given bottles also happily after. I always roll my eyes at the stereotyping of bf mothers. If any bf mother was to talk about 'militant bottle-feeders' she would get flamed immediately (and rightly so). So I fail to see why this kind of talk is acceptable? Don't you see you're generalizing to the extreme?

To the OP: I agree of course with what the others have said. Mind your f*cking business.

OP - I understand how you feel. I was also surprised at how strongly I felt when pg. I have sympathy for those who struggle, but no understanding of anyone who won't even give it a go. How can you know what breasts are for, feel them engorge, and then go & make up some 'pretend' breast milk?

I hope that she will listen to her HV or whoever, and change her mind.

In the Telegraph the other day they said it's been discovered that breast milk changes during the day, so a night feed contains something to make them drowsy (alledgedly ) and a morning feed will wake them up. Formula can't compete with such an amazingly designed system. Women have fed their babies with their own milk across the world and across the millennia, and it is a luxury that we now have a choice. But the 'new' way isn't better.

ILovePiccolina, those kinds of arguments about 'pretend breastmilk' etc really don't help the bf cause. It comes across as aggressive, smug & self-righteous. Formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative, regardless of whether you chose it for your own child or not. It is not 'pretend milk'. It is milk, a good quality food for newborns.

As for drowsy milk versus awake milk, I would seriously doubt that's the case, how would milk know when it's night & day?. ANd what about naptime? My DS always fzonked out while bf before naptime. Don't believe everything you read!

Maria, it was the Telegraph - of course I believe it!

I wasn't arguing - they were just my honest, instinctive thoughts. I sympathise with why the OP feels so strongly, that's all.

Just one other thing - I dislike formula because to me, it smells disgusting!

there is more to parenting than initial mode of feeding

children need love,attachment,affirmation that comes from good parenting regardless of feeding mode.neither mode of feeding guarantees good psychological mental health and social development

i love seeing a wee baby cuddling up to mummy,regardless of how it is fed.it is that unique bonding that shapes solid secure relationship

no mode of feeding confers maternal special powers or ensures maternal fulfilment

babies (and mums) thrive on
affirmation
positive reinforcement
consistency
unconditional love and regard

and mode of feeding is only one part of the complexity of parenting

i imagine no one asked barack before inaugural eh hang about were you bottle or breast fed

Oh No!! I've been rumbled!!

All this time I have been using breastfeeding as an excuse to sleep in dirty sheets and neglect my personal hygiene! I have justified my slovenly existence, slobbing about in baggy jumpers and floor skimming, shapeless skirts and ugly shoes, with greasy hair, unkempt armpits and furry legs, my nipples swinging from beneath the hem of my top so my nurslings can help themselves when ever they want, without so much as a "Mummy may I?", and when I do venture out I flaunt my breastfeeding aggressively, my children scuttling beside me or riding on my back in a weird wrap-around sling carrier, shouting at and spitting on the bad, selfish mothers with their evil prams feeding their poor babies nasty fake milk.......

Ahh, except it's not true. My bedsheets are clean, My roots get done at the hairdressers, I work 3 days a week and I have a cleaner to help me keep my house fit to live in. And I wear a bra!!

I am one of the most "militant" of breastfeeders, ever, but I have never abused or judged another mother, or jumped to conclusions. On the contrary, I smile at new mums, support those who ask for it, inform those who ask me questions. I never force information or opinions on people, but will correct those who pass on misinformation.

What on earth is a 'militant breast feeder' or a 'nipple nazi' which was used earlier. Both of these phrases are v rude and insulting. Women get judged for all aspects of parenting from feeding onwards but throwing insults around doesn't really help.

YABU. It's none of your fecking business.

here a novel idea.support mums -regardless of mode of feeding

hope it catches on

i second that SM!

Finally, some sense uttered!

Think its sad how this sort of debate can turn bitchy.
Mothers who bf or ff shouldnt be slagged off or frowned upon, as long as they are good parents, taking care of their children, not abusing them mentally or physically surely, clothing them and feeding them isnt that what matters?
Breast is best in my opinion but I also ff at night time and then fully ff after falling poorly. I am a good mum though and no one should be judged.

Totally agree with SCOTTISHMUMMY support all mothers regardless of whether or not their bf.

YABU I found breastfeeding my son (now 6) incredibly hard and gave up after 2 weeks. With my daughter (now 4) I breastfed for 18 months. Bottle-fed son was rude in health and still is. Breast-fed daughter developed eczema at 1 month which is only now improving.

Use your brain to make informed choices for yourself and not simply to memorise, regurgitate and try to indoctrinate other people with the current . It's none of your business what your sister does.

My sister has 4 children, all bottle-fed and that makes no difference to her parenting abilities. We both have very different opinions but want a close relationship for our children and so agree to differ. If you want your child(ren) to have a relationship with their cousins then you need to back off.

I don't have the time to read all 546 posts but I do think it is selfish of her not to even try to breastfeed but the OP is ill-advised to force her views onto her sister. She will make her sister feel guilty, harrassed and extremely hostile to her before she's even had the baby. Someone earlier on in the thread made the perfectly valid point that not all our decisions about parenting can be based on what is best for the baby. I agree. For example, some people believe that a child is best at home with its parents, but many parents have to go out to work and enjoy their work. It would be too great a sacrifice for me, for example, to give up my job for my baby. However, I fail to see how breastfeeding can be such a great sacrifice, unless the women is in real pain or utterly exhausted from it, or has a modelling career for La Senza or swimwear. What problems could there be? Slightly less bouncy mammaries (big deal), mild embarrassment if they are a prude when out and about (get over it, there are plenty of discreet places to feed their baby), not wanting to be solely responsible for night feeds (it's for a fixed period of time, and the baby could always have a bottle for one of its night feeds if it were a real problem), time spent breastfeeding (an advantage, you don't have to do housework). So I really cannot get my head round how someone would not even TRY it. I do find that strange to be honest. BUT it is her sister's child, not hers, so she cannot interfere.

But just to emphasise, before I get shouted at, that I know a lot of women who have tried to BF and not managed for whatever reason. People who criticise them should be lined up and shot. I can also sympathise with those that do it for a few weeks and then reckon it's quite a big hassle and would rather not. I have a lot of friends like this too and would never ever judge them for this. I think what surprises me about the OP's sister is her insistence, before the baby is even born, that she won't breastfeed. But I wonder whether this could be a form of rebellion.

This really is an OOM thing isn't it? In RL people would just politely ignore such ravings.

OP, really, honestly, let's change the words a bit. Let's say you were her mother in law rather than her sister. You're still family right? Do you think you'd have the right to comment or interfere. Nope. You don't now.

My sibling's children are raised completely differently to mine. My parents raised me differently to how I raise my children, and yet I am comfortable with them babysitting and babysitting for them.

It is only on Mumsnet (OOM) that people would spend over 500 posts, defending your sister, or sometimes your feelings over this.

But to be frank, you are being a bit overpossessive over a child who is not yours and who hasn't been born yet. Can you not concentrate on the positive bits with your sister so she will be comfortable asking for advice from you in the future, rather than ostracising her?